Well it finally happened. The big blowout. Guess I’ve been stuffing my feelings instead of embracing them, allowing myself to feel them. H & I had a major argument on Saturday night. He finally said to me, “Am I going to have to apologize for this for the REST OF MY LIFE?!” He’s exasperated. He’s frustrated. He’s trying to understand where I’m coming from, but I haven’t been trying to understand where he’s coming from. He made a very interesting comment that he too is upset by all this. He too feels triggers, just doesn’t mention them as much as me. The house is a constant reminder for him, especially looking at the steps. It reminds him of the day he walked out & the look on my face. It haunts him. The memory of Christmas replays in his mind over & over again. He told me to put myself in his shoes for a minute. Now, would I be able to look at him everyday, knowing that I hurt him beyond words w/o wanting to hang my head or kicking myself? Would I ever be able to look him in the eyes again? He struggles with this but he’s trying to forgive himself & move on w/a happy M w/me. He told me that he’s in this for life. That he made up his mind about that the day he moved his stuff back in here.
But then I told him that I’ve been having 2nd thoughts about reconciliation. What?! Me?! How could I think that when all I wanted was for him to come home? But now that he’s home … That Satan sure gets a hold of your thoughts, doesn’t he?
The thing is, I’m not sure if we can have the M we want as long as H’s not following God’s lead. He doesn’t talk about God, he doesn’t go back to church, he doesn’t pray (at least not that I’ve noticed). I’ve tried really hard to let him take the spiritual lead, but he’s not doing it. When I asked him if we could pray together, his answer was yeah, he’d humor me. That answer infuriated me! Can’t he see that God led him back home? Can’t he see that if it wasn’t for God, I wouldn’t be the W he’s always wanted? He made a comment to me that when he noticed the changes I’d made, he said to himself, Now that’s the woman I married! He missed her. So did I. And I’ve finally gotten to a place in my life that I feel so close to God that I don’t want ANYTHING to come in between that. I want God to lead us in our journey together. I want H to have that spiritual lead & then me & the kids follow his example.
The Bible tells H’s to love their W’s as Christ loves the church. H says he loves me very much. He doesn’t want to ever lose me again. He says he wants to be together till we die & that he’ll never make the same mistake again. Boy, have I longed to hear these words from him. Boy, have I longed to feel him wrap his arms around me & tell me that he loves me & no other. I’m hearing it. Do I believe it? That’s another story. Is he letting God lead him by following what God says to love your W even though he's not doing the rest of the things that a Christian should do?
Sorry this is so long but these are thoughts I was having this morning & I needed to get them out. I don't want to LB H & I'm afraid if I don't deal w/it right now, I will when he calls me today at work.
