I have accidently posted a reply to another topic instead of posting a new topic, but here goes.

I've been married to my second wife for 5 years now and we have two beautiful children, boy 4 and girl 2 years old.
Now by hind sight I can see that our marriage has been goiing downhill for the last 3 years but due to the fact that I had a very painful first divorce, I stuck my head in a hole and hoped our love will survive everything.

About three weeks ago the bubble burst and I panicked. I was in a state of total terror and made myself believe that my wife acted like a spoilt child. This led me to eventually spanking her like one would a child. It obviously had a devestating effect on her as well as on me. She comes from a childhood where this was only the beginning of worst to come while my actions for me was the worst I could possibly imagine doiing.

I started doubting myself in this sense but have calmed in the meantime when my phsycologist assured me that I do not fit the profile of an abusive husband.

I have in the meantime started reading the stuff on this website and looking back I can see precisely where I did wrong. I'm trying to get our marriage sorted out now but my W is completely withdrawed at the moment. She insist that the only way forward is to divorce so that she can get herself sorted out. I feel on the other hand that this is the only chance we,ll ever have to sort out our problems. She feel that we may be able to try again in a year or more's time.

I have started to try on my own to apply the stuff learned from this site, but I feel that I sometimes do more damage in my own inadequete way.

Please help me with advice as well as praying for me so that God will lead us both back to the belief that our marriage is worth fighting for.

All my hope is on God at this stage as I feel that no one else can help me.

Gustav Kamfer

Gustav,

I'm so sorry you're going through this but I think you've come to the right place to receive some support. The weekends are usually very slow on this forum so don't be discouraged if you don't receive replies right away.

Hopeful can get you hooked up with becoming a prayer warrior & add your name to our list. We join every Wed in prayer & fasting for our M's.

Now onto your situation - Bubble burst? Exactly what happened to cause this outburst? And spanking her? Perhaps you've been acting more like her father instead of her husband? Possible question you could ask yourself.

As far as your W w/drawing, this happens to a lot of S's when they're needs aren't being met. I suggest you read up on Plan A & get yourself busy meeting her needs. She's probably very lonely, feels taken for granted perhaps? This is your chance to let God change you into the H you were created to be. I suggest praying for that (for Him to change you) & letting God take control of your situation.

Perhaps also you could look at the reasons for your 1st M disintegrating. Maybe you need to learn some things from that experience as well? These are just some thoughts on your situation since I don't know anything at this point.

Love in Christ,
Y

Hi and thanx for the reply.

I think I did act more like a father than a H the longer we were married. Looking back now I can recall incidents where I ignored her needs and also completely steam rollered over her when she had a point of view.

We went to visit her parents over the weekend and went mountain biking. We actually had a good time. Sunday on our way back she suddenly asked me for money to buy material to make herself a dress for her sisters upcoming wedding. I turnedd and looked at het in amazement. Firstly beacause a week ago sge told me in no uncertain terms that she nevr want money from me again. Secondly because I actually appreciated her asking me. She then completely took my expression the wrong way and burst out in tears. She told me that she hated being in a position where she had to ask me for money and told me to stick my money. This obviuosly is an emotional need I have been unable to meet. Not the money itself but the way she feels about the money. This morning she's been off to work and I'm so affraid that she's gonna do something stupid like filing for divorce.

My 4 year old son has also started wetting his bed again. Our situation is obviously having an effect on him also.

I'm gonna see my phycologist today. My W stopped seeing her because I think that she dosn't like to face the truth. She's living in her own little world at the moment and would rather divorce and run away from our problems than face and fix it.

My mom also agrees that God will look after us and that this is probably his way of pulling me back to him. I must admit that I haven't been a good Christian the past years.

Thanx for your support

Gustav

I agree her asking for money for material was a good sign. I can understand your reaction totally. You realized this right away so when you reacted like that, she assumed the negative instead of the positive. It sounds a little like she wants her own money? Does she work?

How'd the psychologist appointment go? Have you assessed what needs you think you've been neglecting towards her? Maybe that's where you need to start. Make a list of the needs your W has, how you've fulfilled them & then go from there.

Your mom makes total sense! Wise woman <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ! I am a firm believer that God will use any means possible to get your attention. Although he doesn't make people's choices for them (as in the case of your W wanting a D), He uses times like these to draw you closer to Him.

Love in Christ,
Y

Good morning (In SOuth Africa at least)

SHe does work but we used to have a joint account and I basically handled the finances. Poorly I must ad.

I now realize that she must have been frustrated endlessly not having money to spend on our house and stuff. I've asked her now how we can handle this situation.

The psychologist appointment went well but my W still refuse to go for a following appointment.

I went to church last nite and felt much better. We had a fight before I went because a friend of hers told me about my W's so called friendship with OM.

At 3:40 this morning my W made us some tea and we talked for about 1,5 hours about all kinds of stuff. Nothing about our M though.

Now I'm thinking, is this God's influence with her trying to get closer to me or does she still wants to get D but are afraid to loose me as her "friend". I dont want to get my hopes up just to get it crushed again.

She went to visit her folks till Saturday in order to make her dress for her sisters wedding. I hope they can at last have a talk with her.

realized last nite that I'll just have to trust God to work on me and hope W see this and react

God's love with you and all of the other people praying for each other.

Gustav

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> SHe does work but we used to have a joint account and I basically handled the finances. Poorly I must ad.

I now realize that she must have been frustrated endlessly not having money to spend on our house and stuff. I've asked her now how we can handle this situation.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is there any way you can include her in the finances? What my H & I do is sit down together & discuss the bills (I handle the finances - that's how we arranged it b/c my H is terrible at managing $) & I always let him take the lead in what we're going to pay & when b/c of the lack of $ right now. He values my input though & two heads are always better than one!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I know how frustrating it can be when you lack $. I know I get pretty frustrated when my H spends our $ foolishly, but I keep praying that God will help us out (just a bit) in being good stewards with the $ he does give us.

I think this is a very good chance for you two to POJA the $ together.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> went to church last nite and felt much better. We had a fight before I went because a friend of hers told me about my W's so called friendship with OM.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Church always makes you feel better, doesn't it? I love the feeling of sitting there listening to the sermon, taking communion, fellowshiping w/other Christians. Always makes me feel better anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now I'm thinking, is this God's influence with her trying to get closer to me or does she still wants to get D but are afraid to loose me as her "friend". I dont want to get my hopes up just to get it crushed again.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could very possibly be. Friendship is very important in M's. My H & I were not friends FIRST, which in turn, disintegrated our M b/c we didn't treat each other like friends. Maybe God is establishing this friendship FIRST so the other stuff will come into play later. Just continue to follow his lead!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> realized last nite that I'll just have to trust God to work on me and hope W see this and react
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the only thing you can do. Trust Him FULLY & He won't misdirect you.

Love in Christ,
Y

Hi Y

Maybe a little background on me and my W.
We met at varsity while she had a boyfriend. The boyfriend died in a car crash and I gave support where ever I could. We were friends for 4 years with her dating other men and me dating other woman. I had also just went through a painful divorce before I met her (I'm 9 years older than her)

So, our love really grew out of the best friendship and because of this I wrongly assumed that nothing could hurt our marriage. SIlly isn't it. The worst part is that about 2 weeks before we had the BIG fight I actually contemplated going to a marriage counsellor. Then I thought that we would be able to work through this on our own, forgetting that we should rely on GOD.

At the moment she's so bitter with me that I'm unable to discuss the issue with her. I must also ad that me and a fellow manager are negotiating a management buy out at our company with us having to borrow about R 3 million each(thats about $ 420 000) to do this.

So, I have all of these stress at work as well as the personal finances at home to worry about.

A funny thing is all the support my first wife is giving me with her current husbands knowing. She just bought me a book and journal roughly translated in english called " The mission directed life" to help me discover the life that GOD created for me. I actually started crying when she gave it to me. Funny where support comes from at times.

Well, enough for 2day. I must go and pick my son up at the creche in about 1/2 an hour so I need to get ready to leave.

Keep the faith

Gustav