I know I've not been around. It's not too often that I get private time on the computer.<P>I've not told my wife yet. Sitting here today, I'm not sure I ever will. Things seem to be going good...better than I've noticed in a while.<P>I am missing the OW real bad today. I want to call or email her so badly, but decided to come here instead. It's only been a little over a week, but I feel like I have a million things I want to share with her.<BR>Why does that disappear in marriage? <P>I've been trying to be the good husband and the good dad. Not because I feel like it, but because I hope doing the right things will eventually bring me back to where I will feel like it.<P>Want to hear something really sick?...at the Thanksgiving table, I found myself thanking God for letting me meet the OW...<P>I feel like I'm still going downhill on this rollercoaster. When does it bottom out?

Apollo13,<P>The feelings of all those things you want to share disappears because you have ALREADT shared most of yourself to your W through the marriage. In time, if you ever spent years with the OW, you would have also shared most of yourslf with her -hence, the newness wears off in time for all.<P>What replaces the "newness" is a comfort you can only get by sharing the ups, downs and all the "ugly" side of yourself with someone. W has seen the moodiness, the short tempers, the selfish times, the greedy times, the lazy times, the sick times - priobably seen ya puke and do other "indelicate" things, etc.<P>OW has seen you charming, seductive, attentive, affectionate, interested and at your most interesting, probably never seen you do the "indleicates" yet, etc.<P>Probably this list can be reversed, too. YOU have probably seen the VERY BEST of her, and few of her less than charming and less than appealing qualities.<P>What makes the affair so "magical" is that you are caught up and in-love with the BEST a person can offer.<P>However, LASTING relationships, whether married or long-term relationship outside of marriage - will eventually reveal all that is HUMAN about each one of us. How WONDERFUL to love someone WARTS and ALL!!!<P>Keep trying to see the reality part and the fantasty part of all this, Apollo13. Pulling for you!!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

WOW!!!! RMA, did that ever speak to ME. That it absolutely true!! Apollo, I am very new to the site, and even newer to my ID. I have recently changed from being 2 Soulmates. I have just begun to see what all of the withdrawal pains and excuses are all about. It's going to get worse before getting better for me, but at least I am on my way. If you haven't told your wife yet ( I'm only guessing it's the affair that you haven't told her about ), I strongly suggest that you do! I cannot convey ,through typing, the pain that you will feel as the words leave your lips . It was almost completely unbearable for me to see what it did to my wife. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. But after that horrific moment...I felt a relief that was also unparalelled. I was able to be honest with my wife. This was the same experience that Chrissie (my OW) had. She called my wife and I at home and talked with us about telling her husband. She also had a rough time, but when the immediate trauma was settling, she too felt great relief. This must all happen before real healing can begin. Honesty, honesty, honesty, is by far the most helpful trait that you will find. It's going to be tough, and I mean REAL TOUGH after this, but hang in there friend, for you will survive. I am right beside you in my struggles as well. I am daily fighting withdrawal, in a HUGE way and more often than not, I feel like I will lose this battle. I know that there are people in this site that will support you and I right through the worst. Lean on them and me when you need to. I am completely in touch with what you must be going through right now, Apollo. Think this through carefully. I'm sure you will see the light. Talk to you again soon.<P>------------------<BR>" I broke my promise to be faithful...so I make a new promise to be truthful and loving." Take care in the things you do and say. Be sure that they are loving and caring...not hurting and neglectful. Arik<BR>

Thanks RMA and Arik<P>You're right, RMA, we've only seen each other at our best. But even then, I think the desire to share so much with her comes from genuine interest on her part. That's something I've not felt in my marriage in a long time. The OW actually LISTENS and helps me work through feelings, where my wife had gotten to where she wanted to tell me how to "fix" things...and made me feel stupid for not already having thought of "her" solution.<BR>I tried to tell her what she was doing to me, but she told me I had to "deal with it".<P>Arik, I'm glad things are going as good as they are for you. You must be married to someone pretty special. Thanks for the encouragement.<P>Apollo<BR>

Apollo13,<P>OK< so your W won't listen to you and the OW makes you feel special. Well, you ARE special. For your W and you to get back that "special" feeling, she will have to work as hard as you and realize that SHE is part of the failing of the marriage. It takes to WORK by both to keep a marriage special. <P>OW listens now and thinks you are very "special" - OF COURSE, because you ARE. But, again, over time, that specialness wears off and is replaced by familiarity. It just happens. What takes work is remembering and cherishing those aspects of each other that are unique and complementary, even though familiar!! There is where the WORK comes in - gotta REMEMBER to cherish those things about each other!!! <P>As for my situation, I am unfortunately separated. I am a former betrayer who is now betrayed. I have learned a little too late here, to "remember" to cherish my H. While I "forgot" somebody else "noticed". I do love my H dearly, and am still sitting here "wishing", but not very "hopeful." I do know I will be a better partner in my next relationship - just hoping that next relationship will be with my H.<P>Let us help you, Apollo. There are several of us here who know EXACTLY what you are going through. It "ain't easy" but you CAN survive this!!!!!!!!!!!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Roll Me Away (edited November 27, 1999).]

Apollo13 and Arik!!!<P>Apollo13....<P>You and Arik <BR>(aka... Being a better Arik)<BR>(aka... 2 soulmates)<BR>have soooooo much in common!!!!<P>Please... please... please... read <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010044.html" TARGET=_blank>To everyone...Especially Dazed and Confused</A>. <B>Read every line of it!</B> This was Ariks original post a few days ago. It was to be a side-by-side posting with his wife(Patient Love... aka Nicole)... and they agreed not to read each others postings for 3 days...<P>I want you Apollo13 to read <B>every line/word</B> in this multi-page post...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010044.html" TARGET=_blank>To everyone...Especially Dazed and Confused</A><P><B>It speaks to <I>you</I> too!</B><P>Apollo13... <B>we</B> love you no less than Arik!<P>----------------------------<P><B>Arik</B>... Thank you... thank you... thank you...<P>Your name change to (Being a better Arik) warrants a big <B>CONGRATULATIONS!</B> <P>Now work on the more important changes...<BR>The inner changes of fighting that addiction!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<BR>

Hi Apollo13 --<P>Firstly, I just wanna say that RMA has some excellent advice. Good stuff.<P>I'd like to also say that I completely understand the need to talk to the OW and share every little thing. I still to this day think of little things I'd like to say to her that my wife just would not care about or get. But I put that out of my mind. I realize that there are other qualities about my wife that I can take comfort in.<P>Now this brings me to my next point -- YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR WIFE. The reason I think this is important is that you will never get your wife to see how serious this matter is unless she knows how close she is to losing you. It troubles me that she just sort pushes your marital issues aside and says "it's something YOU have to deal with." Check out the section on this web page entitled "Negotiating in the Three States of Marriage". You guys sound like your in the "withdrawal" state, where nothing is shared and you both just do your own thing. Instead of working through things together, you run away into your own corners. Sound familiar? You have to get out of that rut... but I think the trigger to do it is by telling your wife about your emotional affair. Sticky business, I know... but I have a gut feeling it may save your marriage.<P>--andy<p>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited November 28, 1999).]