I need the opinion of someone who is in an EMR and can't let go of the OP. I've posted a message at Affairs-Help: Closure and Forgivness. I would appreciate your input, I am trying to do the right thing.<P>Thank you.

Here is a quote from your profile. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It is hard to believe that someone could make such a difference in my life. However, it is time to move forward. He will always be the Love of My Life<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>With this kind of statement, you are going to go NOWHERE forward in your life.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris, Perhaps I was asking to be flamed by posting here. I am seriously trying to do what is right for everyone. I do not want to continue and want to end this EMA without any loose ends. I apologize if I have offended anyone here by my post. <P>If you do read my post on the other board you may or may not be happy to hear that I've decided to not contact MM. IF he calls I will not speak to him. For those on this board who are trying to end an EMA you will understand how difficult this is. As the OW I am ashamed and guilty for the part I played in hurting his W and my family. <P>I will re-read my profile to see if I have said anything that I would take back. I do believe that the man I was in love with will forever be the love of my life. Just as the dog I had 20 years ago was the best I'll ever have. I've had many dogs since then but none like that one. I am and will continue to live without him(MM not dog). I am moving forward because I know that I am a better person than I was when I was I allowed my heart to rule my life. <BR>I hope this makes sense. Although your opinions matter to me I recognize we are on different sides of the fence. <P>I am a person I do not distinguish myself as an OW. It's just a bad detour I took and will never travel again.<P>Chris, as a person, please accept my sympathy for the loss in your family. My thoughts are with you.

aghra<P>What can I say - I am a wife. I will have to take great pains to remember that you are NOT the OW in my marriage. However, you were that in someone else's.<P>I'm not at all certain what you hope to learn here. I can tell you that discovering that my husband was having an affair was about the most horrific pain I have ever experienced ... then I found out he was leaving me, and that pain was worse. I can tell you that my life has been a turmoil, that I daily have to ask God's forgiveness for my VERY unChristian thoughts about the OW. I can tell you that I have lost my best friend, the man who made the earth move for me, the one who I promised to love until I die.<P>I can cite chapter and verse from this website: What you feel for the MM you had an affair with is very real - but the person you are feeling it for does not truly exist. He is a fantasy - a construct of your mind. You have never had to get up with him in the middle of the night when he is sick with the flu - you've never had to be the one at home getting dinner on the table when he walks in frustrated and irritable from a lousy day at work - you've never had to be the one that he worried about the finances with ...<P>No matter how bad a wife might seem to be, remember that the central part of an affair is deception. Lying, sneaking, conniving... about what a nag his wife is, about a horrible housekeeper she is, about her devotion to him ... there might be a grain of truth to some of what he tells you - but it is more likely that he is making it all up so that you will not feel badly for usurping his wife's rightful place in his life.<P>Affairs harm everyone. You are hurt and feeling loss, his wife is in excrutiating pain - even if she doesn't know about the affair, she has the pain of loss because something is wrong and she doesn't know what it is - and he is hurting from guilt and confusion. Nobody wins. Everybody loses.<P><B><I>Everybody.</B></I><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<BR>

It wasn't a flame. Believe me, I could do much better than that. <P>You just have to dump the OP & get it over with.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

aghra,<P>Sorry you are here with the rest of us. I understand how you feel. But, since you have mnade the decision to stay with your H, you and your H will have to work hard to help you get "over the hump", so to speak, and then to both work to rebuild the marriage.<P>How to get closure - JUST DO IT! Like quitting smoking - just do it! Once you decide to do it, which you have, yo will still go through the cravings and the temptations, and you will be crabby and have to remember to resist, resist, resist and resist some more!!! You and your H need to make a PLAN for you to be successful in resisting temptatins concerning the OM. You and H need to also realize that some setbacks might occur and need to have a PLAN for that, too.<P>Let us help you here. Several of us have been in your shoes, and really do understand where you are coming from. You will experience a great dealof anxiety and painover the coming weeks and months - you have to EXPECT it. It won't relieve it, but at least you can expect it.<P>So many will be praying and pulling for you!!!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hi Aghra -<P>I haven't spoken with you before - so Welcome!!!<P>I am just going by this post and your profile - so forgive me if you have answered somewhere else what I am about to ask....<P>You sound like you really need to get some forward motion going on for yourself!!!<P>May I ask why you have been separated for so long? What happened and why no divorce or reconciliation? Seems like this is your main non-movement problem.<P>You really have to forget all about the OM....you may THINK he is the love of your life - but if that is the best love you feel you will experience - a love of deception, adultery and choosing to hurt others - than that is not a very good outlook you have about your future!!!!<P>YOU deserve more than that - I am sure!!<P>Everyone feels this "love" when someone shows them concentrated attention and affection.......it's nothing new or unique!!!! You probably had it with your H at the start...of course, that's all hard to remember now!!<P>That feeling changes over time and day-to-day life....I'm sure you know that!!! They don't stay just paying you total attention!!!! Other things get in the way....and sometimes other people.<P>Like you taking his attention from his Wife......Or anyone else who might take his attention!!!! <P>Don't you want someone for the "love of your life" who would be able to communicate their problems and thoughts with you always? This man apparently stopped doing that with his Wife...is there a character flaw there? OR just a lack of knowledge of how? OR is he just having it all?<P>Please realize that you need to straighten out your marriage situation and then worry about the "real Love of your Life".....that will be the guy who has no attachments and no need for lies and a conscience that doesn't allow him to hurt anyone!!!!<P>Good Luck to you..<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Greetings Aghra, I could not find your response on the Affairs-Help: closure and forgiveness area. I do understand what you are going through, as I am myself in the same position, If you would like to respond offline drop me a line at norcal2@hotmail.com. My thoughts are with you.