HI! I am new here..first post. I guess if I am going to post anything here would be a good place to start. I am committing adultery. I have been for 3 months now. Let me back up a bit...I have been married for almost 6 years. We have a daughter and live with my parents. We have lived with my parents for 5 years for no real reason other than the fact that it saves us and them money all living together. Anyway, my husband is in a fieldwhere he is away a lot. Even before then, though, we were having issues. He was constantly 'meeting' women online, lying about who he was and starting up relationships with them. I would always find out, we would have huge fights, but things always calmed down and I just blew it off. We tried counseling for a few months, but neither of us wanted to be there and so we stopped. The love in our marriage has never REALLY been there. I mean, we got married BECAUSE I was pregnant and while we get along wonderfully as friends, there is no love and passion there. We have not had sex in months (8 to be exact) and we are basically roommates. We have decided that it woudl be best for us to split up and maybe not be so miserable anymore. My parents are up in arms about it,and believe that it is a direct result of us not being 'faithful to God'. Really, though I don't know. I mean, I know we are not the Christians we should be, but I really think this has less to do with that and more to do with the fact that we are both just not into it anymore. We don't WANT to do this anymore and don't feel like we should HAVE to just because people say we should. Now lets get back to me. I have been friends with a co-worker for about 5 years now. We are really good friends and my husband knows him,too. Anyway, a few months ago we were talking and to make a long story short, we started dating. We are SO in love. I know everyone is rolling their eyes at this point, but its true. We are very happy together and want to be together. This relationship has nothing to do with the breakdown of my marriage, but it will look like that as everything progresses. My husband does not know and we aren't going to say anything about it until after everything with the marriage gets resolved. I am here, I guess, because I don't know what to do. I love my husband as a friend. I love my boyfriend as a, well as one should love a husband. I just feel really confused about so many things going on. Just as an FYI-he is NOT married and we are sleeping together. I guess I would just like someone to tell me what they make of all this. I know what I am doing is wrong, but I also know that I feel very good about this relationship and that we truly love each other. Maybe I am not seeing something, but I don't see why I should have to 1. stay in a marriage that neither of us wants to be in and 2. Why I should NOT be happy. My happiness does not depend on this relationship, but the love I feel is something I have not felt in a while. If anyone out there has advice for me..or anything, please let me know. I just want to know what others think. Also, if you have questions let me know! Thanks in advance.

Kitten,

You have been very honest, so I hope you don't mind if I am, too.

I can see the dilemma you are in.

A few things come to my mind; you said there is no passion. I suspect that this might have to do with still living with your parents...it may be that you both don't feel like a married couple because you are still under your parents roof.

Your daughter: how will splitting up affect her? This is very important. You need to consider her.

You mentioned feeling love for this man. But what you are feeling is lust or you like him. Love is not a feeling, it is an action.

You and this man have both betrayed your husbands trust. He has betrayed a friend. He might betray you next.


When you promised to love your husband, you were making a promise to care for him, honor and respect him.

I think you and your husband could have a great marriage if you moved out together and made a home of your own, and both of you concentrated on building a life and caring for your child. Being that you are friends is a good start.

I think the passion comes more naturally when two people are working together for a common goal, such as making a home, raising a child.

I know it doesn't seem fair, but God says adultery is wrong. It hurts us, and our children.

I would hate to see you end up worse off and cause harm to your child when you have a chance to make it work with your husband.

Maybe what you need is to move out and make a fresh start with your husband.

Shul

Thanks for your reply, Shul...I appreciate it!

Um, we have thought before about moving out and trying to give it a go on our own, but it never comes to fruition and now we are BOTH just fed up. Not sure I mentioned this is the 1st email, but HE is the one that wants to divorce, not me. I mean, I am not going to fight him on it because I just don't see why that should be neccessary, but I am not the one who says now that I 'deserve someone who will love me' and that he is 'miserable and can't take it anymore'. Those sre his words exactly to me. Yes, we are friends and he and I BOTH think that we should just dissolve this and move on. He says that its just not working..I can't MAKE him stay or anything like that..or love me for that matter.

As far as the love/lust/like...I have never really thought about love not being a feeling, but an action. It is not lust that I feel for him..I know that. We have been great great close friends for several years and never ever even talked about being attracted to each other in THAT way. And really, my attraction to him is not physical in nature..it is emotional. The physical came along later. We are in sync on so many things..and I DO feel that it is Love that we have for each other. If Love IS an action alone, then I have acted up it and love him. I really hope this isn't coming across the wrong way..I have a tendency to ramble, sorry!! I just want to make it clear that our problems are not just on my end...he is not wanting to stay...whether we are with my parents or not.

Why not make give it your best shot before you throw in the towel?

Move into your own place, give the counseling another go etc.

You could both agree to really work at it for a year and see how things go.

Kitten,

God loves you and he wants the best for you and for all of you.

He knows what that is. You can trust him. And you can ask him to tell you what to do and he will.

I know you don't have peace about this situation. He will help you to live so that you will have no regrets years from now.

Shul

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