I had not seen him since 7/03. I needed to see him to make amends for my part of things- like being a control freak, and a yeller, and a person who LB all over the place. I posted "confused about my divorce" in divorcing/divorced and emotional needs about all that. We met about an hour and a half. I had a list of things I wanted to make amends for that I had done. We talked for a while about life in general, then about my old youth minister whose wife and son died in a car wreck, then about my niece who is having a hard time. Then I got my list and just read it and read it and cried but it felt cleansing. Then when I stopped he asked if he could take the list to keep and just said "there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you or what happened." He also said that he didn't know if it meant anything to me but he was so sorry. He said he had wanted to say that for a long time. Which when you see someone look you in the eye and really mean it- of course it means something. So I cried more and he cried and then he said he didn't know what he was doing or who he was when he was having the affair- it was like he was a different person and could not believe the things he did. He said he somehow felt justified doing it but now knows he was not (All this I knew because of MB - it was FOG). He said he knows how much he hurt me and also knows he hurt himself and so many others. I asked him about OC and told him I thought of her. I asked some questions and he wanted to know if I wanted to see a picture. Which was weird because I had thought of asking but I didn't. So I said yes. She's cute. I told him my thoughts of missing her and feeling like the OW had stolen a child from me because she had his child instead of me- that I tried not to think that way but I just felt a loss. That I cared about OC and hoped she was well taken care of. He also said that OC reminded him of my niece- and as I know, my niece acts and looks like me. He said he knew that sounded weird, but he thought about me when seeing OC. I just told him I was powerless- that I had been a control freak previously and now I was realizing I can't fix anything or anybody but me but because I chose to love him I hoped he would get help he needed (we didn't talk about the pornography or him living with OW) and that his life could turn around if he chose for it to- but he was the one who had to have the change of heart. He had to realize his worth-his potential- his dreams- and do something about it. I dont' know what that means he will do- I just know I made amends on my part. We hugged. It was hard to let go, I admit. But he is living with OW- I have to let go, I just needed him to know that I know where I screwed up and make amends for that. I am rambling, don't really know what I am looking for- I am at peace - yet yes, I do miss him. But I don't miss the fighting and the hurt- and I want to be truly loved.
I don't know what to pray for. I was hoping seeing him would bring peace- I don't feel bad, I just feel sad- Like part of me wants to be reconciled, part of me doesn't know how that could happen. He has a child- a child that isn't mine- but I could love- but the child would then not have both biological parents. Does that matter if they are just living together? I don't think God honors that. I don't think he loves her. She has a child with her ex-husband, she left that child except to see him every other weekend, for my ex-h. So he doesn't have a full time mom. I know nothing is impossible with God- so do I just pray that if the situation is for us to come together, that God will open the door?

<small>[ January 20, 2005, 09:03 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

I don't know either, but lately I have felt compelled to seek my husbands forgiveness too, for the ways I have hurt him.

Father,

Please bless adsgirl tonight.

We know this is a mess, but you can heal the broken pieces of their lives .

Let your will be done in this situation, in Jesus name we ask.

Thanks Shul- I am thinking a lot here. I thought I was going to have peace and be able to walk away- when I left I didn't feel that though. I felt peace about saying my part in the problems and hearing that he was sorry- I didn't feel I should just walk away though. And then I was leaving and he said, you have my email address. I said I know I did but I don't want to be the ow. I don't want to hurt anyone. He said he knew. So I am wondering, is me talking to him, or if I emailed him, being the OW since he is living with the original OW? Or because I was his wife and she is not married to him, but they live together, is it ok? I don't know what to do. Just praying.

adgirl, have you been to Restore Ministries? If not, I encourage you to read that website. I know you two have been divorced, but in God's eyes you will always be one flesh. Here is the link... http://www.restorem.org/
I do not think you are the OW by keeping in contact with him. He is YOUR husband and she will always be the OW. IMO.

If it is God's will for you to be reconciled, he WILL open the doors for you. Just leave it all in His hands.

Praying for you!

H98

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: hopeful98 ]</small>

hopeful98
I have read the site about restore ministries. But how can it be restored when he has a child? On the other hand, her other child does not have full time parents either- she only sees him every other weekend. I don't know in this situation what the right thing is. I don't know what God wants for me and for him and for our lives. Of course I would like to be reconciled, but at the same time I am a realist. I don't want to be reconciled to someone who does not know how to love me, and who can't put God first and me second and his child third (which really is better for the child- to have a foundation of God, then marriage- then her). I am not sure how this can work- He is living with her.

Maybe he is wondering the same thing.

It may be that the ow and the child will go back to her husband and your husband will come back to you.

I agree that in Gods eyes you are his wife and she is the ow .

Where is he at in terms of his relationship with God? Has he ever professed faith?

Shul,
Maybe he is. But do I ask, or do I just pray that if he is, he will contact me and let me know that? When I met him, he professed to be a Christian. He had been attending an assembly of God church but his parents stopped going and got into a pastor on TV who has some false teachings IMO. It was a source of disagreement for us. I wanted to attend church regularly but it was hard because he listened to his parents a lot and they were anti-church. After the divorce I started going back regularly, actually when we were separated- when he came back to me for a short time he went with me. Then when we got counseling by a Christian couple I know, they asked about his salvation and he then professed to want to repent and turn to Jesus, we cried and hugged and listened to praise music on the way home and looked at homes at the lake just as a dream. Then that night he flipped again and said he had to be a full time dad, and left me again, supposedly just driving but I think he went to OW. That was the end- then after the divorce he admitted his addiction to porn and I told him I would help him get help - he got angry and said no, that he didn't want me to and that he didn't need me or God and didn't care what we thought. That was the last conversation we had except to sell the house and for me to scream on the phone to him once or twice about the addiction since I found so much stuff on the computer. Til the recent conversations- he asked me about church and about my involvement and I tried to witness to him as best I could but I didn't want to shove anything down his throat. I gave him a list of resources (as we were leaving so it would not seem like I was pressuring him) including some of my church materials, a couple of Christian books like Your Best Life Now, and information on Sexaholics Anonymous. I hope that wasn't a bad thing, I just wanted him to know where he could get help.
So that is the answer about faith- I don't really know I guess. He said when we met that he could not believe the things he said and did at that time- he felt like a different person, so I don't know.
It may be that the ow and the child will go back to her husband and your husband will come back to you.




That was the only scenario I could think of. Is that ok to pray for? I am not really sure how to pray to God for this situation. I talk to Him but I don't know what to ask for. He wants the child in his life though, and I could embrace that. I just have a hard time thinking about dealing with OW forever.

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 11:12 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

Aloha adgirl,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not really sure how to pray to God for this situation.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would suggest to ask God to give you peace, ears atuned to His leading and an open heart. Ask for His will to be done and read His word. Worship Him in song. These things are critical for an intimate relationship (Prayer, Reading and Worship).

Don't try to educate him about anything. Let God do His thing. You just be sweet and safe for your H to talk to.

Gotta go. stuff to do and things happening early in the AM for me.

Blessing to you.

S&C

Adsgirl,

Yes, I think it is very possible that God would have both marriages restored.

It sounds like your husband has had lots of exposure to the good news. And Gods word never returns void, but always accomplishes what God intends for it. I think that God is at work in his life and in his heart.

Like S&C, said, concentrate on your own heart and relationship with God, and you will heart from him.

I am going through a letting go and letting God time, and I am having a hard time with it, but I know I have to get my hands off the situation before God can work. For so long I have been so stressed out , thinking that so much depends on me. I am trying to let God be the choreographer now, as it should be, and listen for his instructions.

He will work this out for us.


Father,

We pray for this man, and also for the ow and her husband, that you would reconcile them to you and that your will be done in this situation.

Put it on adsgirls heart to know when and what to pray for , and give her peace in all these things, knowing that you love her and you want her to love and be loved.

S&C- Good and simple advice. Really the most important. I am getting blasted on emotional needs. I think maybe I should stop posting there because I am getting all confused. They mostly think I should leave the whole situation and get on with my life. When you and Shul say just pray, worship and read His word- I am for that. Definitely. I can be a control freak. So does this mean I should stop any contact with Ex unless he approaches me for reconciliation? Or should I send a Plan B type letter- saying I care for him love him and would be willing to try again if these things were done (help for addiction- never seeing OW - etc etc). Or is that just weird to do at this point?

Well, what about this- if he contacts you, maybe let him know you care about him and will be his friend, but that it can't go any farther while he is in a relationship with someone else.

Something like that?

adgirl,

Seems to me that the door might be open for a relationship. I wouldn't catagorize you as an OW. He's not married to her is he?

You could let him know how you feel about him. I mean, if you went to see him to be honest with him a tell him you were sorry about things, then why not continue to be honest with him about how you feel. But if you do, I think you really do need to include the boundries (no OW, no pornography, etc.) Whatever your boundries need to be to keep you safe. That's a must. w/o them you're libel to get sucked into something real painful.

He also would need to know what you need.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I don't miss the fighting and the hurt- and I want to be truly loved.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he can't do that then he's going to be toxic to you. And you will need to walk away again.

Whatever you do keep your relationship with God #1. Continue to Read, Pray and Worship. That will keep your relationship with Him strong and your mind focused on God's will.

Gotta go for now. Starting to nod off. Bless you.

S&C

I forgot to mention earlier that he also went to a Christian school from 4th -12th grade. That doesn't always mean anything, but yes he has been exposed greatly to the Word of God.
I called the 700 club for prayer yesterday. Ex is not remarried, just lives with OW. They were very helpful on the phone - 700 club. Prayed for his heart to change and the OW;s to change- talked about how even though OC is involved, that doesn't make my marriage less important- God makes it very clear, put Him first, then marriage, then children. The man on the phone prayed for me and ex and OW and OC and that hearts would be changed, reconciliation could occur, and that ex would pursue me. And to give me peace and a Godly man- whether that ended up being ex or another man. I don't know if I should tell him my feelings. On one hand I want to but on the other- I am not even sure what my boundaries are yet. Because of OC, OW can't be out of his life completely- unless only one of them had full custody. I don't know how to express what I need there because I don't know what is best for the child. OW left her first child except every other weekend and has no rights other than that, last I had heard. So that doesn't give her the mother of the year award, but it doesn't give ex a lot to be proud of either since she left her son for him. And they both need forgiveness and grace. My point is, how can I give any boundaries when I don't have a clue what to do in that situation with OC involved? I am not sure what is safe. Ex's mother takes care of OC during the day. So his family is involved too.

adgirl,

The person on the 700 Clug is right. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God..."

Your relationship with God should come first. If that happens, then one of two things will happen. Either you will be at peace with not having an R with your Ex or God will lead you to a place where you can reconcile with your Ex and feel ok with OW's role with the family.

When my W was in her A and was working with OM, I prayed that God would literally destroy their R with each other. My W still works with Om and has seen him through different eyes. She now believes him to be a spineless man without the ability to make decisions. (BTW - He's been her supervisor for well over a year now.) I prayed a hedge of thorns around her and asked for things to happen between them that would bring out his true character. It has. She heard him tell other guys that he looks down the t-shirtrs of the girls he plays racketball with and can see... stuff. Also how it said it was everymans dream to go to the PlayBoy Mansion to see the Playmates. And that it was "Ok to look but not touch". My WW didn't like hearing things like that from the man she was "In love with".

It is possible that your Ex and OW could end up really disliking each other and OC could very well end up like the first child. Who knows what creative solution God might come up with.

When you've taken time to improve your relationship with God, I truely believe the answers to your boundries question will be answered.

Reading the Word of God allows Him to talk to you. About 2 months after I really started to read His word, it literally came alive for me. Speaking to me about things that would happen in my life and marriage.

Praying allows you to speak to God. I woke up in the morning (about 4:00am) after reading the Bible, I would pray for my W and against their relationship. I would keep an somewhat ongoing convesation with God the whole day letting Him konw how I felt. The conversation consisted of crying to Him crying out to Him, even yelling at Him (He can take it you know) telling Him whenI didn't see Him working. He was always faithful.

Worshiping Him. You know an intimate relationship with anyone, including God, requires more than conversation. I requires you giving Him worth and expressing that worth. Worship does that. It's the key to keeping the relationship intimate. Without giving the other person in the relationship worth it goes downhill. Don't forget to Worship.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know how to express what I need there because I don't know what is best for the child</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are intimate with the Father, just tell Him what you want. He will let you know through His word and through your prayers if it aligns with His will. I guarantee it. Remember His plans for us are far better than the plans of our own making.

I want to make sure I tell you that I think your doing well and that this time of uncertainty is God's acknowledgement of how proud he is in the growth you've gone through. Remember, He won't take you through anything He doesn't believe you will have victory in. You may not know the outcome yet, but rest assured, you will be stronger, freer and more at peace than you ever thought you could be. I believe you had to take the step of faith you took confessing to your Ex and asking for forgiveness before God could take you to the next phase of your growth.

Bless you sis.

S&C

It is possible that your Ex and OW could end up really disliking each other and OC could very well end up like the first child. Who knows what creative solution God might come up with.


I have wondered this. And when he told me they lived together I cringed, yet part of me does have to wonder if it is only for the child. I realized later when I left, he took out his wallet of pictures for me to see his daughter - and all the pictures were of her or OW's son and her. None of the pictures were of OW. That meant something to me because I don't think he would just take those out to meet me- I don't think he would have planned to show me those pictures. I know it sounds small, but it crossed my mind. And when I would bring up that I felt like she stole from me (having his child) he nodded his head in agreement and that is when he said the child reminded him of me. I can't imagine him saying that if he had love for OW. Maybe I am wrong, but I just have that feeling. And when he talked about how much pain he had caused himself...
Anyway, I have been listening to Mercy Me's song, I gotta keep singing- I gotta keep praising your name, you're the only one who keeps my heart beating- And my favorite line- Can I climb up in your lap, I don't wanna leave- Jesus sing over me....
Sometimes I feel like I am literally crawling in His lap- My Father's.
Repelling them from each other is a good prayer. And you are right - the same thing could happen with this child as the first.

I was reading Genesis tonight- the story of Hagar, Sarah and Abraham. Interesting and thought provoking. And Sarah laughed when God said she was going to bear a child in her old age- and God asked why she was laughing- that was anything too difficult for God? And I have to say, no nothing is and I should believe in the impossible, the miracle.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write and share your story and for your encouragement.

adgirl48

Don't walk, but run to this site:

http://www.restoreministries.net/cgi-bin/index.cgi?page=index

When S&C wrote to me about not educating ex-H I thought about how I had given him a list of resources (books, cds, messages, sexaholics info) that he could use if he wanted. I wanted to make sure that he didn't think I was judging him or educating him but that I just wanted to help and so I emailed that- I told him I might be paranoid, but just wanted him to know that I didn't mean it that way.
He wrote back:
I didn't think you were trying to judge
me or anything. Actually when I read over the list I didn't think
anything bad about it just that it sounded interesting. Besides, there is no need to be paranoid when you're right.

So that is a good sign I think. I'm leaving it alone now!

adgirl,

Any updates?

S&C

Not since he sent that email reply Tues. I get anxious about not hearing from him- like I should say something or do something. But I think instead I will just read a chapter a day- pray a chapter a day- of The Power of a Praying Wife. And let go. And see what God does without me butting in <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Thanks for asking.

adgirl,

I think that's a healthy way to handle things. Let God work on him and see where it goes. You're doing well.

Bless you and have a great weekend.

S&C