Hi,<P>Never thought I'd be at this station in my journey, nonetheless, here I am and here's my story.<P>Married 18 years, 2 great kids, good career... changed jobs last year & got off the road warrior wagon and was renewing a lot of lapsing relationships.<P>In July, discovered wife's affair from virus-laden email the OM had sent her that crippled our PC. What a metaphor, right..? you just can't make this stuff up.<P>Anyway, without any experience in these matters, by pure instinct, I went into what can be called the Plan A actions and after 4 more weeks the affair was ended. During this time, I began to notice wife's strange behaviors becoming more severe and pronounced... nervous tics, rhyming speech pattern, sexual aggressions, 2-3 hours of sleep, obsession with exercising, binge drinking among others.<P>During the first session with a counselor, he declared my wife an alcoholic and based on the behavior patterns he observed, recommended strongly that my wife see a psychiatrist. <P>In September, a psychiatrist found my wife to be suffering from Bipolar Disorder (manic-depression) in severe dysphoric mania and 1 symptom away from requiring hospitalization. She is now on medications to control her moods and behaviors.<P>The pdoc has told me that all of her behaviors in the manic stage have no basis in reality, logic or rational. Her mental state of mind was that of pure delusion... in a word, she was not sane.<P>Bottom line is that I stood fast: I rescued our marriage, probably saved my wife's life (many BP's in dysphoria commit suicide) as well as got her away from the serious scumbag she involved herself with, she is getting the medical and mental care she needs, I saved my kids from a terrible ordeal. <P>Why do I still feel so bad?<BR>How long will it take for the pain of betrayal and humiliation to go away?<BR>When can I stand down from this sense of vigilance? <BR>Can anyone recommend any good techniques on recovery from infidelity?<P>Thanks much

hi shorekid, welcome to our illustrious little club. You are one great hero and I commend all you have done for your family. You are a wise person to have noticed the severe changes and sought help. <BR>Not to discount anything you have written about the seriousness of bp, affairs are all somewhat insane! Yes, there is a sick delusional side that comes out of some people that allows this. That is what I have been told, and though not comvinced, it has merit. My h was a very sick man, getting better now, but has not been an easy road for the family or for him. <BR>You asked "Why do I still feel so bad?". Time will help heal this wound. Does not matter what caused the affair, the outcome for the spouse is pretty much the same-PAIN. You were wronged and you feel bad. It is a very ugly place to be...no one wants to stay in the pain. So use it to guide you toward recovering. You did not cause the affair, you had no control, but you were left holding the famous bag. How is that fair? It is not...but it is fact. Your wife is now getting help, and I hope you are. The affair and the bp are both very hard things to deal with from your position. I would imagine there is a lot of pain, stress, anger, etc. Let yourself be sad, be upset, anxious or angry. These are all normal emotions under the circumstances. <BR>"How long will it take for the pain of betrayal and humiliation to go away?" I cannot relate to the humiliation part, but there have been discussions on here about that. Do a search and use that as your subject and the old threads should pop up. You really have nothing to be ashamed or humiliated about. Your wife is ill, she made a mistake and you are putting your marriage and family back together! The pain can seem like it lasts forever, but it becomes tolerable. I am not sure the memory of the event ever goes away. How can it? Such an experience will stay with you forever, unless you are lucky enough to get amnesia. What does happen is you become able to look at the affair, and all the associated pain, and put it in persepctive. You use it as a learning tool for the rest of your life. You no longer keep beating yourself up with the pain. <BR>"When can I stand down from this sense of vigilance?" I am not sure if you are asking about trust? Or asking about being vigilant with your wife's illness? Or asking if you will forever guard your feelings? <BR>"Can anyone recommend any good techniques on recovery from infidelity?" The techniques on this webiste are wonderful! Books that helped me were After and Affair by Spring, Torn Asunder by Carder, Surviving an Affair by Harley. Other non-affair realted ones that helped me were Emotional Resilience, Death of a Soul/Birth of a Hero (abt midlife change). Reading helped me a lot. <BR>Again, welcome.<P><BR>

Welcome <B>shorekid</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principals and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>You have clearly done a little research before coming here... a good summary of ideas is presented here at MB with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>I commend you on your true <B>heroic</B> efforts to save your marriage... <B>well done!</B> From what I've read you've applied <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> well!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P><B>cl is right!</B> The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, or just ending, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<P>I made a recent post of many books (non-Harley) that were recommended by many on this forum... check it out... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/009968.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books...</A>.<P>"Why do I still feel so bad?"... You know your work is still not done... exhaustion!<P>"How long will it take for the pain of betrayal and humiliation to go away?"... it could take a <B>very</B> long time... it goes quicker if you get support from here! <P>"When can I stand down from this sense of vigilance?"... <B>never</B>... but effort in the future will not be as great as it <B>must</B> be now... <P>Can anyone recommend any good techniques on recovery from infidelity?... again using the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> book will help...<P>A few quotes...<BR>Four rules to guide marital recovery<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL> <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When anger wins, love loses. (page 92 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>... Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. (page 97 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Learing to meet each other's emotioanl needs in marriage is far less complicated than going throughthe agonizing ritual of affairs and divorce. (page 111 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> The Rule of Care - step 1: Identify the most important emotional needs<BR><LI> The Rule of Care - step 2: Become an expert at meeting the most important emotional needs<BR></OL><BR>...<BR>The quotes and the lists go on...<BR>Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> ASAP!<P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Thanks for your kind words and feedback. The books and links have been very helpful. Especially 'Survivng an Affair' which I've been reading the last couple of days based on your advice. I can't believe how closely my insticts and intuitions during this crisis paralled the advice the book.<P>The bpd is very difficult to describe and comprehend... other than a bpd can have what is called 'reactive formation' ideas that they will act on... spending sprees, reckless behaviors, drinking/drug binges, sexual indescretions, etc that have no reality based reasons. It is a period of clinical insanity (mania) which can be severe enough for hospitalization.<P>Vigilance... it's a post trauma reaction, hyper-vigilance actually is not the healthiest symptom... kinda of like anxiety where you're just waiting for something to happen.<P>Thanks again.<BR>