How many of you feel that escaping responsibility and an affair go hand in hand? My ex-H says he never had a life of his own and he is now running around like a teenager, buying new toys and having fun. Is is possible to have a MLC at age 30? Is the affair the reason he feels so trapped and burdened by marriage and kids? Its like he felt he was missing all the fun in life by being tied down with a family.<P>AD

AD:<P>Absolutely...<BR>My W (started affair at age of 37... admits a MLC...)<P>Yes... <B>teenager</B>... is all I saw all this past summer long... with W's dress... and W's hairstyles... and on and on...<P>Fortunately... because of divorce filing... I was able to save the money for kids... <P>Yeah... fortunately... right...<BR>I'm doing everything possible to slow down my divorce... but at least I kept a good part of the money for the kids!<P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

Jim,<P><BR>Do you have custody of your kids? My ex-H is broke all the time, part of it is child-support, but a lot of it is for his new toys. He has gone into debt 15K since the divorce, all this while living with his parents. Of course, he complains all the time about child-support, but doesn't seem to realize his new toys are a big part of the problem. The only way he will ever move out is if a woman will give him a place to live. Why do they lose their heads like this?<P>AD

AD,<P>I definitely think that escaping the "routine" is part of EVERY affair. For some it is the normal, daily responsibilities and for others it is problems and for stillothers it is pain caused by crises outside their control. <P>I had this talk with my H: I asked him why he thinks so many people need therapy and counseling today, as compared to our parents and grandparents. He and I talked about society has this expectation of "the good life" and people feel "entitled" to that good life - all about "having it all" - happy family life, exciting marriage, fulfilling career, all the "toys and trappings", etc. This is reinforced on TV, magazines, movies, etc.<P>However, this "good life" is really unavailable to many people - they don't make enough money to have it; they are all caught up in debt and financial problems; their kids (usually teens) are less than idealistic; their jobs and marriages are less than idealistic; they have aged parents to care for now - maybe Alzheimers for parent, etc.<P>In generations before us, our parents and grandparents had to WORK hard to put food on the table and to eke a living that was probably barely over the poverty standard or very middle class. <P>We, as a people, feel ENTITLED to happiness -want a fulfilling career, financial security, ideal marriages and children, expect to take fabulous vacations and have a fabulous house and all the trappings, etc.<P>If we don't have all these things, we feel we are MISSING something and that we must be the ONLY person who is "missin out" and we feel CHEATED. We search and look and try to capture what we feel is "lost."<P>You know, maybe nothing is "lost" but our perspective of how LUCKY and FULFILLED we really are, if we take the time to think about it........<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

already divorced,<P>I have to whole heartedly agree with RMA on the reasons for the immature behavior of our spouses...<P>I have right now... just defacto physical custody of my three kids. She left 9/28... (out of state) under the pretense of needing "time to think things through"... so me (the dummy) gave her $10K upfront out of what I thought was a near certain property settlement agreement. And... within a week, my W's OM moves in with her... in direct violation of the agreement! I only found <B>MB</B> at the end of September. <B>So.... the kids are mine.</B> My older son tells me (during the every other weekend visitations my W asked for... not more!) his mom told him(my son) that she will try in June of 2000 to go back to the courts and attempt to regain physical custody of the kids... My attorney laughs at this... (she has stopped taking them to church... doesn't make them do their weekend homework... brings them back late... and without dinner...) She is truly dillusional .<P>I fought for the kids for a number of different reasons... one was to not have child-support simply given to the sponge(my affecionate name for my W's OM)... haven't used it in a while. He(OM) truly is a leach... but my wife doesn't see it... yet.<P>Obviously... I didn't want OM being the "new man" in my children's lives (a term my W used... new man???... old sponge???... whatever)....<P>Sorry, I'm ranting on your post....<BR>Ahhhh... that feels good though....<P>Prayers to you... <BR>Keep posting.<P>Jim

I have absolutely no respect for my stbx for doing the same things your's is doing, A.D. He lives with his dad, pays no rent, no utilities (I've been his "accountant" paying the bills - even his car payment!) and has over $1000 cash in his pocket each month even after he gives me money (about 2x what child support will be) to make minimum payments on the bills he had a lot do do with running up before he moved out last January. Yeah, we were broke then and sinking, but instead of working to pay the bills off, I've got documentation of how he was jetting around the globe with "her". <P>So while I'm scraping by, he tells me how flat broke he is while he takes out this girl or that, or flies up to Ohio to... use your imagination - he's got a girl up there, too. You know where he's at for Thanksgiving? Not coming to see his kids... he's in Mexico!<P>Must be nice to be able to take off whenever he wants to go wherever he wants (so what that the airfare's free - everything else costs!). After all, he doesn't have to worry about those mundane things we have to take care of like managing unruly children, getting a babysitter, repairing the dryer, feeding the cat, taking out the trash...<P>And I resent it but I can't do diddly about it.<P>Yup, sounds like a (very spoiled) teenager to me. And my oldest just turned 13. Here we go again...<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie<P><BR>

AD,<BR> My H started his affair approximately six weeks before his 30th b-day. I don't think it was just a coincidence! He says that he got burned out on the everyday routine and responsibilities (when this started our daughter was only 18 months old). He says that he wasn't having fun, and he wants the freedom to do things before he gets too old. Since our separation on 8/5, he has racked up $4,000 on a credit card. Mostly on dinners and trips w/the OW. He cashed in an IRA ($5,000) w/o my knowledge (I don't know if that is illegal or not), and paid off his truck so that he really has no other expenses. He is supposedly living w/ his parent's too, but for the most part he lives w/ the OW and her two kids. Maybe it's just me, but losing my house, my money, my daughter, raising another man's kids and dealing w/ crazy ex's doesn't sound like that much fun!

Hi there Already Divorced,<BR> Good thread!!....and I agree with everything said. In our case my H was 46, we had 4kids (two teenagers at the time) and I really feel the affair was an escape from the chaos of life with teenagers. But my question is how does this fit with the Harley "not meeting needs" theory? What if there "needs" are to be young and carefree and not worry about their responsibilites? I guess this is where I have trouble with the needs thing,...now that my H is back life is back to the teenager "crisis of the week" life and my H does not seem very happy. ....just venting I guess....Lu<BR>