Losing the ties that bind
Whatever became of marriage? Cultural conservatives blame the decline
of marriage on the sexual revolution, which destroyed the chastity of
women. Men don't marry, say the conservatives, because sex is
available outside marriage.
There is, of course, something to this view, but it is hardly the
whole story. Sex has always been available outside marriage. Call
girls are cheaper than wives, and a prostitute costs no more than a
date. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Men married for love, children and family. They would still do so,
only the culture -- and women -- have changed.
When I inquire of men in their 30s why they remain unmarried, a few
give the hedonistic answer, but most deny that they are unable to make
commitments and assume responsibility. Marriage, men say, has been
undermined by a lack of female and societal commitment.
The fickleness of women, men argue, is no longer constrained by
concerns with reputation and by laws that require real grounds for
breaking up a marriage and a family.
A wife can walk out at any time -- with another man, if she wishes --
and take your children, your house, half of your pension and half of
your income. If you make a fuss over child custody, she can gun you
down with accusations of child molestation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Even if a father is awarded joint legal custody, the mother usually
has actual custody. It is up to her whether the father's visitation
rights are honored.
Professor Stephen Baskerville at Howard University in Washington,
D.C., is an expert on family courts. For most men, divorce and its
aftermath are a Gestapo experience. There's not a man alive who
doesn't know someone who has been through the experience. Indeed, the
experience never finishes with a man.
Men say that women's lack of commitment is evident in the fact that
the vast majority of divorces, family quarrels and acts of domestic
violence are initiated by women. Yet, from start to finish, men are
regarded as the villains. Society's image of divorce is the successful
executive who dumps his dowdy wife for a young blonde bombshell. The
propaganda is ubiquitous that domestic violence means men beating
women.
Men maintain that the position of a husband in a marriage is
untenable. Formerly, there was a division of labor and authority among
the spouses. Today, working wives have financial independence, and
divorce laws and family courts give them the upper hand in any
dissolution of the relationship. Husbands know this and, consequently,
have lost their share of authority. The wife cracks the whip, and when
she is no longer pleased, she leaves with your assets.
I have listened to men debate what can be done. They doubt Baskerville
will succeed in reforming family courts and don't believe that
heterosexual men will organize politically like feminists and
homosexuals.
Recently, I heard the view expressed that multiculturalism would
provide a solution. Men will return to marriage, a young man said,
when the bride brings a large dowry that remains the husband's
property regardless of what happens to the relationship. The dowry
would offset the risks that make it foolish for men to marry.
Heads nodded in agreement, but one spoke out, saying that more would
need to be imported from India's customs. He had in mind child
betrothals and child brides. It was the only way in this day and time,
he said, to acquire a wife who didn't have the sexual experience of a
prostitute by the time she reaches marriage age.
Conservatives are right -- but for the wrong reason -- that the sexual
revolution has undermined marriage. Men see women as damaged goods and
feel funny about marrying a woman who might have shared a bed with a
number of the wedding guests.
It is called the double standard, but many men believe that
promiscuity does not suit women. They believe that a woman who has had
many partners cannot bind emotionally with a husband. She is never
his. The emotive ties that bind a woman to a man are lost to
professionalism or to indifference.
None of this is to deny that individual men can be jerks, neglectful
and abusive, but the decline of marriage is not caused by
personalities.
Women think men don't care, but men are far more aware of the problem
than women. I was a young professor when it all started and watched a
campus turn into a brothel. The male students were perplexed, even the
left-wing ones who had been taught to regard female chastity as
oppression. I still remember the resident Marxist who, high on peyote,
came to me to complain that "nice girls are ruining themselves."
