I have been looking for creative ways to show affection. I have been leaving little I love you notes and give kisses and hugs a little more often than I have in the past. I know it will be a slow process to restore trust as I never did this before unless I was looking for SF. Right now I am sure my efforts are viewed as phony or forced. I am in it for the long haul & hope there are subtle little ways I can do so without being phony. Any ideas?

David,

Welcome to the club, I give my wife a hug before work, and after work and when she goes to bed, I tell her I love her each time. It seemd and feels phony at the beginning but it actually gets better and you will actually grow to look forward to it. If you have a dog walk it with her, join the gym and go together. Never fight with her. Always be in a good mood around her. I have been doing this for over a month, she has not come around yet but I see hope and that is all you can ask for. If you cause the pain do not think it will work over a short period of time. Go get some anti-d's. They will actually make you feel a lot better and keep you in a good mood. Life is short so do your best and if she talks about divorce tell her you hope not but if it comes to that that you will support her decision. Hold your head high and soldier on.

Toyman

David,

In recovering from finding out about my husband's affair, the most important thing for me was to know he thought about me when we were apart. The things you do when you are together with your wife is great...but I found it was when my husband was at work or away from me that I most needed deplays of affection. I needed to know that he thought of me and not her. He would call from work, send a funny email, bring me home a Starbuck's, share a conversation he had about me with one of his coworkers....all these things help.

In my situation the news of my infidelity broke 2 weeks before my spouse was sent halfway across the globe to fight the war on terrorism. Any advice on getting through this ftime on occasional mail and infrequent short phone calls?

David, as the BS...here is what matters to me.

Do say I love you with words and actions.

Do not dare say I love you if you cannot muster the actions to support the words.

Do call often when you have to be apart. Say things like..."I just called because I thought of something about you that is so special to me...and make a VERY PERSONALIZED statement that is not "universal" to all or any other woman.

Do not call at all if you have not planned what you want to say...it makes us think you are just going through the motions, with no emotional effort.

Do account for every single female you encounter if she needs you to. It will be more important to account for females when you are in situations where she has feels she has no allies (a new job, away on business, at the gym, etc.)

Do not needlessly hurt her by ever (and I mean ever) noticing a female in her presence again. We women tend to be competative by nature with other females when we feel threatened.

Do become the excellent home husband. Remember, to a woman, you making the bed without being asked or unloading the dishwasher could best be described as FOREPLAY! We are different than you. Please us in ways that are pleasing to us, not in ways that you would find pleasing if done to you.

Do not overdo it so that she feels like she is not doing a good enough job and you are picking up her slack.

Do WRITE!!!! Write creative love notes. Write creative love letters. Send loving emails if that is a way you communicate. Leave love notes on the refrigerator. Leave them on her car seat. Make a special trip to where she works and leave a secret love note taped to her steering wheel.

Do not be cliche when you write. It will once again be misinterpreted as a lack of effort.

What is her favorite dessert from a favorite restaurant that you have been to together? Go by and pick up a take out order of it for her.

If your coffeemaker does not have an auto function, go buy one that does. Prepare her coffee at night, every night so that it is fresh and hot when she wakes up each morning.

Stand behind her adoringly while she is in front of the mirror getting ready to go out (or to work, or whatever). Authentically pronounce what an absolute idiot and fool you were. MEAN IT.

Make an appointment for her to have a pedicure. When she gets home, take her on a date (movies are not always a good choice, she may suspect that you wish to avoid conversation). If you have children, YOU need to make babysitter arrangements, YOU need to have the kids fed, bathed and ready for bed. YOU need to have a date plan. Don't just get in the car and say "Okay, what should we do." Once again, lack of emotional effort.

If she has been waiting for a video to come out, rent it. Either put the kids to bed early, or if your kids are older, make arrangements for them to be out of the house. Order a pizza, or other easy dinner and darken the room to watch the movie.

Send her a card in the mail.

Wash her car inside and out.

Offer to massage her neck, back and legs with lotion. Take your time (a good 20-25 minutes). DO NOT HAVE OTHER SEXUAL MOTIVES...Though usually this will work out in your favor!

Whatever it takes to make her feel like she is not just any woman. She wants and needs to feel like she is uniquely important to you. She needs to know that you two have some parts of the past that only belong to her. This is where the real emotional effort comes in on your part. Remember things that are special to her that even she has forgotten.

Offer to take a week of vacation if you can. During that week, do things around the house that she has wanted done. During the evenings, really, truly emotionally invest. Start conversations, stay in them, YOU NEED TO DO MOST OF THE TALKING. Tell her how you feel about what has happened and how it has changed you (for the better). If she caught you with the OW (versus you revealing it), swear that you are so thankful because now you can be the MAN she deserves and you were meant to be. Acknowledge her suffering.

Make statements that begin with "I am so sorry that I did this to you. You must feel _____. Here is what I am planning to do on a daily basis so that you can move towards a happier, more secure feeling about our marriage..."

Finally, live honestly in every way. Be emotionally honest, mentally honest, materially honest, totally honest with yourself and her in every possible way!

Remember, you created a woman that has come to question everything she ever believed. Your job is to recreate the security she once felt.

I know this is long, but I hope it helps.

CKD

CKD, I'm going to print this list, have it laminated and post it on the refrigerator!

I am recovering from my spouses multiple affairs. Our marriage was very shallow for several years. We did not appreciate each other nor did we show any affection. I am trying to become a better wife. I have found that having a great church family that is committed to strenghtening marriages has helped me. As I have done addtional research on what I need to do to show my husband some affection I found a website that I would like to share with you. www.themarriagebed.com. In that website there is a place where you can sign up for daily emails on how to be a generous wife/husband. You might want to check it out. It is not just about sex. There is so much more to marriage, althought sex if a very important aspect. I would also encourage you to spend time in prayer and ask for God to help you understand what your wife needs from you. You can also ask her what she likes and dislikes as far as the affection you show. I greatly appreciate it when my husband takes the time to ask what I would like or if I liked what he did for me. It helps open the lines of communication, which is critical. Take care and God Bless.

CKD, thank your for taking the time to share your thoughts on this. I made a copy to keep. First I was simply wishing I could leave it for my husband... then I realized that I could also try some of these ideas myself, to help restore his feelings for me.

His did not have an affair, but we are both deeply in the withdrawal stage.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I found them very valuable.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ckd:
<strong>David, as the BS...here is what matters to me.

Do say I love you with words and actions.

Do not dare say I love you if you cannot muster the actions to support the words.

Do call often when you have to be apart. Say things like..."I just called because I thought of something about you that is so special to me...and make a VERY PERSONALIZED statement that is not "universal" to all or any other woman.

Do not call at all if you have not planned what you want to say...it makes us think you are just going through the motions, with no emotional effort.

Do account for every single female you encounter if she needs you to. It will be more important to account for females when you are in situations where she has feels she has no allies (a new job, away on business, at the gym, etc.)

Do not needlessly hurt her by ever (and I mean ever) noticing a female in her presence again. We women tend to be competative by nature with other females when we feel threatened.

Do become the excellent home husband. Remember, to a woman, you making the bed without being asked or unloading the dishwasher could best be described as FOREPLAY! We are different than you. Please us in ways that are pleasing to us, not in ways that you would find pleasing if done to you.

Do not overdo it so that she feels like she is not doing a good enough job and you are picking up her slack.

Do WRITE!!!! Write creative love notes. Write creative love letters. Send loving emails if that is a way you communicate. Leave love notes on the refrigerator. Leave them on her car seat. Make a special trip to where she works and leave a secret love note taped to her steering wheel.

Do not be cliche when you write. It will once again be misinterpreted as a lack of effort.

What is her favorite dessert from a favorite restaurant that you have been to together? Go by and pick up a take out order of it for her.

If your coffeemaker does not have an auto function, go buy one that does. Prepare her coffee at night, every night so that it is fresh and hot when she wakes up each morning.

Stand behind her adoringly while she is in front of the mirror getting ready to go out (or to work, or whatever). Authentically pronounce what an absolute idiot and fool you were. MEAN IT.

Make an appointment for her to have a pedicure. When she gets home, take her on a date (movies are not always a good choice, she may suspect that you wish to avoid conversation). If you have children, YOU need to make babysitter arrangements, YOU need to have the kids fed, bathed and ready for bed. YOU need to have a date plan. Don't just get in the car and say "Okay, what should we do." Once again, lack of emotional effort.

If she has been waiting for a video to come out, rent it. Either put the kids to bed early, or if your kids are older, make arrangements for them to be out of the house. Order a pizza, or other easy dinner and darken the room to watch the movie.

Send her a card in the mail.

Wash her car inside and out.

Offer to massage her neck, back and legs with lotion. Take your time (a good 20-25 minutes). DO NOT HAVE OTHER SEXUAL MOTIVES...Though usually this will work out in your favor!

Whatever it takes to make her feel like she is not just any woman. She wants and needs to feel like she is uniquely important to you. She needs to know that you two have some parts of the past that only belong to her. This is where the real emotional effort comes in on your part. Remember things that are special to her that even she has forgotten.

Offer to take a week of vacation if you can. During that week, do things around the house that she has wanted done. During the evenings, really, truly emotionally invest. Start conversations, stay in them, YOU NEED TO DO MOST OF THE TALKING. Tell her how you feel about what has happened and how it has changed you (for the better). If she caught you with the OW (versus you revealing it), swear that you are so thankful because now you can be the MAN she deserves and you were meant to be. Acknowledge her suffering.

Make statements that begin with "I am so sorry that I did this to you. You must feel _____. Here is what I am planning to do on a daily basis so that you can move towards a happier, more secure feeling about our marriage..."

Finally, live honestly in every way. Be emotionally honest, mentally honest, materially honest, totally honest with yourself and her in every possible way!

Remember, you created a woman that has come to question everything she ever believed. Your job is to recreate the security she once felt.

I know this is long, but I hope it helps.

CKD</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

David.. I know it been awhile since your post... but as a recent BS, I wanted to echo CKD's advice...

Although my H is sorry about is actions, he is not at a point (and I guess he may never be) where he is willing to invest emoitionally in our relationship.. its only been a month.. so I am going to hang on...

With this said, I echo CKD's comments...if you are the WS, the little assurances that she is the one you love and want will go a long way to helping her trust you again..and in the long run all the benefits which go along with that from a great friendship to great sex...

A note, a call unexpectantly (not because its three o'clock and that when you call every day) , a stop by the office or at home for a quick and hug kiss (no sex)..if you do this ever so often, sex will happen! Take her to lunch, buy her flowers, tell her she is the most important friend you have... that you love her eyes laugh... whatever you love about her.. brag to your friends, family etc. about her... But be sincere and after awhile...my bet is she will start to trust (and love you) again, and once again understand/feel why she feel in love with you in the first place.

David T,

Maybe this isn’t the way to show you wife you love her. I just finished a book called: “The Five Love Languages”. From this book I found out that the things I have been doing for six years to show my wife I loved her were not what she needed to feel loved.

I would tell her and do things around the house and give gifts, but I never gave her enough time. It turns out that her love language is quality time. Now I am giving her plenty of quality time and it really makes a difference. It tells her that I love her in a language she can understand.

Check this book out it could really help.

ckd,
I realize that your post was a while ago, but it is great!

I will be using some of these ideas to get my wife and best friend back!

We will be married 12 years on Sunday the 29th and things were very good for several years. Now through years of growing apart due mostly to poor communication; my wife has had two affairs. The first was just a one time fling kind of thing, but this last one was very different. There was no sex involved but they had been telling each other that they were in love with one another for several months.
I was devastated. Not because she betrayed me, but because he was one of my best friends, and only after all this came to light did I realize that he had been working his way into her heart for a long (3-4 years) time!
I know the things that I did (or did not)do that made her seek attentions elsewhere. And I accept my portion of the blame for this. However, I am having a hard time understanding why she will not forgive me as I have her. I love her with all my heart and nothing that she can say or do will EVER change that.
I have made changes to the way that I act around her and I don't get much in return. I am still a little confused and frustrated by this. It has been several months since I found out and I committed to changes right away. I know that at first it probably seemed forced and insincere to her, but I had hoped that by now she would know that I am truly sincere.
So, I thank you for all of this advice because I think it gives me a little insight into the way she may be feeling. I also would love any more tips and hints you might be able to send my way, I need all of the help anyone is willing to offer.

Sorry for the long post!

r0uter

As the BS I loved most of the ideas CKD posted. I need to know from you WS out there some ideas of special things to do for my H to let him know that I believe in Us and that he is still very special to me. He loves gardening, not much into sports...Any Ideas GREATLY appreciated!!!!

Dear CKD,

Thanks for posting your suggestions. My WH just recently came to MB website since I've told him it has really helped me during this difficult time of discovery and recovery of his A. He ran into this post and was so moved that he printed it out. He showed it to me that night and when I came home and I read it. I started to cry because it was exactly my sentiments and exactly how I needed to be loved. YOU ARE RIGHT ON THE MONEY. We were discussing weather or not you had just written it off the cuff because it was SO GOOD. Thanks for sharing. On behalf of all BW's, thank you.

I too loved CKD's post. One thing I would like to add that is so very important:

All those things should be done by BOTH the WS and the BS. It's a two way street as they say.

God bless.

2LLP

As a BS, I also love CKD's suggestions.

My main need with my husband has been for some written words that are loving and not just generic. It's been like pulling teeth! So I decided instead of just asking him to message me some nice things, I'd send questions/suggestions like "what are 5 things you like about me?" and I'd send him 5 back. And then what are 5 things you are looking forward to in our future?" etc etc.

I have requested many times for him to send me a very lengthy email explaining what he used to feel, how he feels about having done what he did, and what he feels for me now. But it hasn't happened. He is going away next week so hopefully he will have time to do it then....... still anticipating.

Wow CKD's post is the first post I've read thats made me really stop, sit up and listen to whats written.....

Will start digesting this immediately....