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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 238
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CarolBo Offline OP
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I would like your opinion on this situation<P>I was not married yet to my husband and a <BR>woman who is his hairdresser came to our house<BR>by his request, to cut his hair and does it for<BR>free<P>He was interested in buying her house and<BR>me being new in his country having come<BR>here on a tourist visa to meet him and<BR>see if we would click to form a relationship<BR>was new to everything here (Netherlands)<P>I am South African and can partly understand<BR>Dutch<P>She arrived and them not taking their eyes<BR>off each other for a minute did not look <BR>at anything else but each other and were in a<BR>fixed stare<P>My boyfriend at the time said "tea, the lady<BR>wants tea"<P>I felt a little jealous but went to make the tea<BR>wondering if they were going to cuddle and kiss<BR>while I left them alone in the room and decided<BR>to try and be positive coming from a different<BR>background<P>(two nights prior to that we were at her house<BR>her husband had a birthday)<P>At her house there was a chair open next to me<BR>and she was on the left of me on the next chair<P>When I looked my boyfriend was on it between <BR>her and me but I did not mind<P>He decided on the spur of the moment it was time to go when she got up from the chair to say goodbye to some guests andsaw them to the front door which had a passage leading to it<P>He bopped her to the front door down the passage with<BR>his stomach and kissed her mmmooooaaa on the neck loudly cuddling her and look who we have here and whispered if it were not for your husband I would marry you and I went to sit down and wait for him feeling embarrassed not knowing anyone in the room and also trying to understand dutch as I spoke afrikaans which is different from dutch and a whole new atmosphere<P>I asked him not to behave like that again because I was embarrassed <P>Back to the couch:<P>I ebrought her tea to the table to find her leg to leg next to him her hand on his knee and on top of his hand both looking to the floor whispering silently not lifting their heads to look at me and I was so shocked, and did not understand what I saw, felt uncomfortable, and left the room<P>He came up with her 2 hours later with her walking behind him and him saying she had not seen that part of the house and asked me if I was feeling shy<P>She eventually cut his hair and left shouting goodbye to me, after which he took me to the couch and asked me what was wrong <P>He told me he did not even notice her hand on his and there was nothing between them, no feelings, nothing<P>To this day she has been the only one he had behaved with like that and we never saw her again although she tried to invite him to their bar/house opening and he offered that I stay at home for New Year on my own while he goes with his friend to the opening<P>The first night she came there when I was newly in Netherlands he also got up to kiss her goodbye after she came to look if her husband was there and said<BR>to me " now don't be jealous" and said "I want to give her a big kiss" I was not effected then by their closeness because I got up to kiss her goodbye too and thought nothing of it<P>We got married in January this year <P>2 weeks ago a woman came her to deliver two cats which we had agreed to take from her <P>On her arrival she told my husband she had to go straight away because she was emotional at parting with the cats<P>My husband and her got into an involved conversation in the passage and I asked them both to join me in the lounge<P>She walked to the window to look at our pond <P>He persisted with the conversation taking no notice of me for 2 hours and her doing the same looking to me like she was tremendously and emotionally enjoying the conversation and the focussed attention from him and his smiling constantly, not moving even to go to the toilet or fetch another beer like he normally does, his one leg up on the chair and his hand under his chin<P>It seemed a record to me<P>I eventually left the room thinking perhaps they are dutch and she is satisfying his emotional needs in a way I cannot because I am not dutch but South African and left them alone<P>I came back with an alcohol free beer and asked him and her to sit down so I could chat to her about the cats and ask her a few questions He took the conversation again and I interrupted after 10 minutes and asked him if I could "borrow her from him or is that difficult for him to part with her" and eventually got to ask her about the food and so on which she readily obiged on the spot to do so, and then he took the conversation again<P>I then told her that if he came to my country we would always make sure he was in the conversation and not be ignored or left out as I felt it is common courtesy and also told her that he is married to me, after which she seemed so shocked and shortly left<P>We had quite a heated discussion over this because he knew after she had left that I had popped his balloon because he in my opinion was flirting with her in front of me and told me after she had left to deny my feelings and I was wrong in what I thought I saw and was seeing ghosts and making up stories and my feelings were wrong and I did not understand the "dutch way of doing things"<P>In my interview with the social worker she told me I was not seeing ghosts and that the dutch were not different in their behaviour to other people and that there is an issue to be addressed here<P>Please give me your opinion on this<P>I am a counsellor and am currently awaiting counselling for my problem as well, but am interested to know your opinion on this<P>Perhaps you have had a similar experience<P>Thank you<P>Carol<P>

Joined: Jan 2001
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Hey Carol,<BR>I got onto this site by accident while trying to open some of the other forums. You're posted in the wrong place, which is why you haven't had any answers. You need to post in General Questions and Emotional Needs.<P>I too am a South African who left her homeland to marry a foreigner, but in California, so I can really empathise with your feelings of being a stranger in a strange land. And like you, I married a man who was involved with somebody else. I found out three weeks after our wedding day. 15 months of hell followed till they finally ended it. We're now four months into recovery.<P>You are not a fool, you are not imagining things, you are not having hallucinations or seeing ghosts. Your husband, at the very least is a shocking flirt and is showing you an outrageous lack of respect and love. He is being just plain rude, whatever country of the world he is in. And I think your gut feeling is justified - it sounds as if he is not faithful to you.<P>Go to the Home Page for this site, read Dr Harley's articles on Infidelity. Talk to your counsellor. I am too raw and exhausted to be able to give you good advice, but there are many people on these forums with deep experience, and who will be able to help you. I would like, however, to extend a sisterly hand to a fellow countrywoman and tell you how sorry I am that you should be going through this horrible experience. I'm going to put a link to your post onto the In Recovery board, as General Questions is down at the moment, and ask for advice on your behalf.<P>Vasbyt, hoor?

Joined: May 2001
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Carol<P>I feel very badly that no one responded to your post. If you are still seeking help on this site please come to the Just Found Out forum. Please will find you there and help. <P>There is a lot of information of this site that can help you. I’ve included links here to two threads that I think will get you started. <P>What your husband is doing is very disrespectful to you. I am sure that you are seeing only the tip of the ice burg. <P>You will want to read the book “Surviving An Affair”. <P>WAT’s quick start guidelines for betrayed spouses.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000940.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000940.html</A> <P>General Welcome.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>One final suggestion. If you do plan to marry him, make sure that you postpone your wedding to give both of you the time needed to rebuild your relationship from the ground up. <P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

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I agree that your husband is acting inappropriately and the signs were there prior to your consenting to marry him! Marriage has not changed him! You have taught him that he can get away with flirting right underneath your nose! I know you can't control his behavior, but don't give in to it, either! Put your foot down, lady! You're not dumb but you are making yourself look dumb (to him) by allowing him to behave this way. Never complain about what you permit! & I say this in all respect.<P>

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CarolBo Offline OP
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Thank you all for your support and advice<P>I booked an appointment with a social worker after consulting her myself<P>I put the leter on the notice board<P>He has seen it and never responded to it at all<P>(I have not had the guts to ask him to come with)<P>He keeps telling me there are no problems in our home<P>If I could tell you how I feel<P>It is inadequate, lonely, unloved and depressed<P>The times of love we share are just a fraction in my life<P>It does not cover the hurt and pain of the past<P>When the subject comes up of the past he says as far as I am concerned that is a closed book<P>Perhaps it is my looks or that I am not a model beauty I do not know<P>I think I am too darn Christian and faithful<P>You know the non drinking type no bar going no flirting<BR>staying at home cooking and waiting for him to come from work<P>I never know what he gets up to at work<P>If it is flirting or not<P>But I do feel heavy emotionally and weighed down<P>Thanks you guys<P>I am beginning to feel like I was not wrong and seeing things<P>I am going to ask him to come with to the social worker<P>Because we need to get to understand each other better<P>Carol<BR>

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i have to agree with BINthere and the others who are sharing thoughts with you. I do not see that behaviour as any kind of typical dutch behaviour.<BR>I wonder if he is behaving in this way, why he married you in the first place.. Maybe you should put this question to him.<P>I mean, I think you clearly believed that the behaviour with the hairdresser was a one off. But you should let him know that you would never have married him, had you known he would start to make a habit out of it. <P>What is his purpose in flirting with these women and rudely shutting you out of conversation like that? Have you asked him that?<P>There is nothing wrong with having female friends, but he has to realize that marriage means something else. He's acting like he's still on the prowl and you're just the pesky kid sister constantly in the way.<P>i think you should be very clear with him over what bothers you. As BINthere suggests, put your foot down. Clearly, concisely and without LoveBusters.<P>Because he clearly isn't meeting one of your needs, if you are left feeling, sad, helpless, jealous, guilty, unsure, etc.


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