Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#348766 02/26/02 09:04 AM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 74
A
AlanR Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 74
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have been married for 5yrs, we have been in a relationship for 10 nearly 11 years. We have two beautiful children girl 2yrs and a boy of 4ys I love them both beyond description. I love my wife now more than I have ever done and cannot imagine loving anyone as deeply as I love her.<p>In October J told me she had no feelings for me. It felt as though my insides had been cut out with a blunt knife. I was devastated. Although we had not had a physical raltionship for 3yrs and I knew we had some problems, I thought we were improving.<p>We lived for 18months with Js parents and I know now that this stopped us communicating as husband and wife. Parents always around and so we didn't talk properly and got into a rut. Then we bought our our own place and I thought this would mean we could start working things out. But J keeps saying she does not love me as 'a wife should love a husband'.<p>She wouldn't talk top me about the probleme with our sex life and so eventually I said I wanted a divorce. It was only to get her attention but she latched onto it, then she wanted us to seperate, me living in an annexe to the house (one room).<p>She says I am a great father and a wondeful guy and she loves me as the childrens father.She syas we are good friends but that she can't 'handle' physical contact. Because of this she can't see us being together in ten years time and so we should start making lives for oursleves. <p>She feels that it is unfair for me to stay in a relationship where she cannot provide the love and affection I need. (I suspect that she also needs physical affection for herself as well) She tells me that even a kiss or a hug makes her feel uncomfortable.<p>I feel that if she would only let down her defences for a while and give us the chance to try it would make a difference. I don't mean physically I mean mentally. Now I know how she feels about physical contact I can respect that and giver her space. <p>On the good side she does not want us to split up, in fact she is happy for us to live together as friends and as parents - but 'to go our own ways' in that relationship. She says that she is happy for me to go and have sex with other women as it is only normal and natural for me to want to have a sexual relationship. I find it hard to imagine having sex with anyone apart from J. It would only make me wish that it was her. The propect of another man touching J makes my blood run cold and my stomach turnover, it is a horrible thought.<p>While my writng might seem lucid and rational I cannot describe the anguish that this situation has caused me. I have thought about ending everything, but my love for the children rules that out. It is just that sometimes I just want the pain to stop, just for a while.<p>J means everything to me. I have tried since October to provide for her ENs but she seems to have 'locked that door'. She tells me that I do a lot of things that she likes - cooking, helping her, looking after the childrens needs etc. But when I seem to be getting closer she backs off and won't move from saying 'I don't love you the way a wife should' and that nothing has changed.<p>I love to be with J anyway and for the moment that I forget we have this problem I really enjoy just being together. She used to love me so much, how can it go when ther seems to be no real reason.<p>
J says derogatory things about herself as she kept soem weight on after our last child. Also she had a major epyleptic seizure last year and it hit her confidence. lastly her father was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago and the outlook is very poor.<p>I think she suffers from low esteem and I have done everything I can to re-assure her about all her positve points incluidning her body and how intelligent she is. It is not just words I really do appreciate everything about her. She seems better in herself now but does not see any of these thing beinbg linked with our relationship.<p>Its as though as long as she does not find me attractive sexually we have no real future as husband and wife. The lack of a physivcal relationship started when I came home from a weekend away with sctratches on my back. She thought I had been unfaithful. I had not. I realise now that she never forgot and felt I had let her down. <p>Also having the babies got in the way of our physical relationship, some of this was down to me as I did not find her extra weight sexy and I did not do enough to let her know I still loved her to compensate for the lack of sex. I still cuddled her and tried to show my affection in other ways. I now know that some of my feelings were linked to her breastfeeding and that it was this which put me off sex more than anything. I have told her about this.<p>She says a little of what went wrong was related to my reaction to her putting weight on, she didn't want to feel rejection. I once said very cruelly that 'J has given up on her appearance'. I am ashamed of that, it was said after an argument but its no excuse. Now she just does not have those kind of feelings for me any more.<p>If there is anyone out there who can help me to give J some hope that love can return i will be eternally grateful. She read the first few pages of 'Fall in Love Stay in Love' and thinks that it is all posistive just to sell the book, 'who do I know that it worked for', she says. She also is not interested in what has worked for others because she just cannot believe that anything can change her feelings. <p>J says she has wresteld with her feelings for three years and so that means nothing can work. I have tried to say that maybe she did not know the way to do something about it. I certainly did not know how until I read Dr Hartleys books and the 'Five Languages of Love'.<p>I am thinking that if I stay in the house with her I have the best chance to rebuild trust, but what is the best way, I just do not know, how do I get J to let me provide for her ENs so things can improve. I am prepared to put up with no sex for the sake of my children and anyway I love being in Js company. But I cannot bear the pain of knowing that she does not love me the way I love her and the way she used to love me. I would do anything just for a second chance with her to make things right again.<p>If she could only have some hope then I think we can make our marriage work, without hope it seems she can't commit herself to us.<p>AlanR<p>three years and so it might sound naive but I thought t

#348767 02/28/02 01:15 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
Hi Alan...<p>Yes, I do think love can be rebuilt. Starting with HN/HN is a good place to start. Your wife sounds like she has shut down her emotional response to you...often this withdrawal is a way of coping with repeated hurt and/or lack of having her emotional needs met. But, if both folks are willing to work at it, withdrawal IS reversible!<p>As is often said here, if you knew you could regain your love and raise your children with happy, loving parents, wouldn't that be the best option? If so, then its certainly worth your best efforts.<p>You may want to repost this under the Emotional Needs area of the forum...there is a lot more traffic there, and you will get more responses.<p>Kathi

#348768 02/28/02 04:56 AM
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 74
A
AlanR Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 74
Kathi, thank you for the reply. I have now posted in emotional needs.<p>J and I are still living together and she tells me that she does not want to be somewhere else. I feel she has some kind of block about trying again, but I just hope that while we are together I have the chance to turn things around.<p>Alan.

#348769 02/28/02 12:19 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 27
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 27
Hang in there!! I was told 6 months ago pretty much the same thing, that my husband wanted out and didnt want to try and save our marraige. We have had alot of stress in our marraige. He has 3 children from a previous marriage and we have 2 children. We have raised all of his children. He has been very unhappy for sometime. He finally went and had an affair 2 weeks ago. I am trying to deal with all these feelings and know that I still love him so much.
If your still in the home, keep your head up and say alot of prayers, thats is all that keeps me going.

#348770 03/31/02 01:34 AM
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 104
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 104
Hi there............All I can suggest is keep on praying and asking God to open your wife's heart. I pray everyday day for my husband and I to be reconsiled and I know if it is Gods will it will happen one day (hopefully soon).


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 161 guests, and 61 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Sourdine, Abela Laye, Ardent Center, Lost@1969, Jmoor9090
71,845 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5