I started reading posts here a few weeks ago. I've been separated from my H and was feeling very betrayed. I couldn't quite put my finger on why I felt that way. I felt like he was willing to destroy our lives and our children's lives in pursuit of some unknown something. Like a drug addict or an alcohlic might behave. I had no reason to think that my H was having or had any affairs. I just imagined the way I felt must be what it's like to discover that your spouse has cheated. So I came here.<P>Then I noticed some unusual behavior that piqued my curiousity. I happened to call Dr. Harley on the radio and described my situation. He asked me point blank if my H was having an affair. I stuttered that I didn't think so but I had kinda' been wondering. He said that we could safely assume that my H was having an affair, based on his behavior as I described it. I thought... well, the Dr. might be partially right, maybe my H has thought about having an affair. He certainly wasn't actually having a real affair right now! He told me he wasn't even interested in other women.<P>I began to share some of the little details I had noticed with friends and family. They agreed that things looked questionable. Slowly I began to accept the possibilty that what he's been telling me all along isn't true. I confronted him, and told him I thought he had been unfaithful but that I wanted a chance to meet his needs, instead of someone else doing it. He listened. <P>Things have exploded since then. I discovered that he's having some type of relationship right now with a family friend. I don't know if it's more than emotional. I was devastated to discover how protective my H is of the OW. I've been posting my questions here, and I've learned that a lot of things that my H has been saying to me are typical of a betrayer. His general behavior is typical of a betrayer. It's been an eye opener for me. I now know that there was more, a lot more, in the past. I had suspected, but he was always able to explain somehow. Now I know my instincts have been right. I thought I was just being paranoid all these years.<P>So, you see, I wasn't really supposed to be here. I didn't fit in. My H and I had never cheated on each other. But here I came. <P>Lizbeth

Lizbeth -- Welcome to hell. I can understand how discouraged you must feel right now, finding out that your H has/is turning to another instead of you. I will praying that you be given strength to deal with all you will find out in the coming weeks and months. I can only encourage you to continue posting here. You will find many who have been in similar situations, and many others who will give you a shoulder to cry on.<P>I'm really sorry that you now find you do need this forum, but you have come to a place of love and friendship from others who have been where you are right now.<P>Hang in there and God Bless

mmmmmmm hmmmmm....been here, felt this..."oh, i've been cheated on, i'd never do it...now, buy this crummy story about why i'll be gone for 6 hours on sunday...."<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Lizbeth, first and foremost welcome to MB. I'm sorry you have to come here but what a wonderful place to have others help you through it. You are not alone. I had no idea that MB existed until recently, I could have used it a year ago. I, also was one of those people who never worried what my H was doing because he would NEVER cheat on me. Well I've choked on my foot a long time now. You are not crazy, you just wanted to believe your H. I think the thing that scares me the most to this day, is my instincts were gone. I believed his stories, or maybe I knew but couldn't handle it....who knows. I'm not sure where you are in your recovery yet, but anytime you need advice, a shoulder to cry on or anything for that matter come here.

I just looked at the other boards on this site... I'm reminded of when I found this forum and looked at the list trying to decide where to go, none of the other boards even came close to the issues I felt that I was facing. I can't even imagine bothering with the emotional needs board, or the resolving conflict board. Those things seem so petty right now. <P>I'm in some kind of marriage hell. An indescribable place. People ask how I'm doing and I don't know how to explain. I don't think they can appreciate that I have managed to survive another day without completely losing my mind, and, hey, I actually got to take a shower (I've got two little ones, this is a BIG deal)!<P>Thanks for letting me vent! Lizbeth

I too wonder what I am doing here..I din't do anything wrong..I am getting therapy...but it just isn't enough. I don't know where it will lead..this is so new..<P>Yesterday was really bad...1st weeks denial, then professionalism..yesterday as he worked and the kids were at ballet I drank 8 beers and a bottle of wine and still couln't knock me out..I just wanted to get away from all the thoughts...I guess that is what we do here...I am afraid to boot! And just too tired to fight for anything...I don't even care anymore about him , I am having a hard time worrying about me.

Dear Lizabeth,<P>I know what you are feeling very very very well! I am in a "predisclosure plan A". Think about it - it means I don't have to tell you - Why I know very very very well!<P>I have seen success! I am sure my h affair is over now. Decide if he has had an affair, even though he hasn't admitted. And move on to plan A for a lifetime!!!! You will be so amazed with the results.<P>What are husband's emotional needs? Recreational companionship? Let us help you figure out what you can do, share your joy and sorrows, and be your friend.<P>This board has been a life saver for many! <P>God bless.<p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited August 23, 1999).]

trustntruth, it's good to know I'm not the only one here who hasn't officially earned the title BETRAYED. I'm so envious of those people whose spouses waltzed in and announced that the were in love with someone else, or those that noticed the change in their spouse's behavior and discovered the affair(s). My friends, even my therapist, say "What does it matter? It's (the marriage) over!"<P>I started plan A and have seen the results! This has actually speeded along my awareness of what's been going on all these years. Ouch!! When I tell him I want to learn to meet his needs instead of him turning to other people, he thinks about it and doesn't deny anything. BUT, I believe he must still have something going on because he keeps saying he needs more time to decide if he wants to give this a try. So, "predisclosure plan A"... is this plan A before your spouse will admit to infidelity? Does this mean that eventually you get the truth? Maybe after they are ready to follow the rule of honesty?<P>I'm going to start talking with Steve Harley, which I hope will help. I feel like every day I'm fighting tooth and nail for this marriage! I don't even have time to address how angry I am! I just can't take this waiting!! I'm trying like crazy to avoid lovebusters. I want to threaten him to get him to start working on this, but I know it won't work. I want to get him back into the house!! I know it won't be fun... actually it will probably suck, but I really think I need him to come back.<P>I just can't help but think sometimes that this is all in my head!! I don't think any one else really believes that my H has cheated. Some people don't think it counts unless it involved sex (I have no proof of that, I really don't know), or they think he may be dating now but what does it matter after all we don't live together anymore. He insists that he's not dating. Am I insane?!?<P>I'm trying to figure out what his needs are. Wish me luck.<P>love?, I've read your messages on other threads. I was suprised and concerned to see your message here. I must admit, I wanted to trade places with you when I read your profile. I want to homeschool my babies! I guess we all have our own little private hell, huh? Are you okay? I don't think the drinking is a good way to make those thoughts go away.<P>BOY, by the looks of this message I really needed to vent!<BR>Lizbeth

Lizbeth... I discovered love notes in my wifes clothes two years ago, she denied and said it was a co worker Pursuing Her. I believe and it STILL devastated me... and "emotional affair" I was a total wreck, made a feeble attempt at Plan A back then but backslid and we became even more distant... Well last weekend I found out she's been having a "full affair" with him the WHOLE TIME and is ready to leave me and the kids behind soon. I'm sure she's leaving sometime but for now I take comfort in the fact she's not set a date or anything like that. As long as she's in the house I can try Plan A, if I have the strength.<P>Bottom line is don't be fooled, trust your guts. I've said to friends here that "women" have their intuition and us men have and unconcious... I DID know all this time but simply couldn't face it... I was hardly shocked we she told me because I knew inside it was so... I feel so bad for wasting two years of her and the OMs "growth" together, just makes the job harder now.<P>Don't be fooled, be strong and resolute for the task that faces you. <P>Oh, and VENT here, it's helps me alot!!!<BR>

Dear Lizabeth,<P>Actually, I coined the phrased "predisclosure plan A" - because the Harley principles are based on discovery. Because my husband denies, denies, denies - we were getting no where. Basically my "predisclosure plan A" is a plan a - without discovery..... I decided he had an affair, and moved on as if we had discovery. <P>After a couple of months of progress - and believing the affair ended, I told him although he denies having ever had an affair, that I believe he did, forgave him, and have worked to rebuild the marriage. <P>I had to do this with the "I feel" statements - or it would have been a lovebuster. We agree to disagree, and have agreed to rebuild the marriage. He has no interest in the methods that I am using with the Harley principles - but it doesn't matter. <P>It (Harley methods and Prayer) is working, it may be onesided, but I am now a firm believer that one persons behavior changes can change the behavior of another.<P>Keep up what you are doing.... Have you figured out what your emotional needs are? I did - but it spun me into a thinking pattern of "what about my needs...." (Non productive for me...) <P>I was much better off at guessing what his needs were by risk taking, ie: 1) going fishing with him so I could figure out if recreational companionship were some of his emotional needs.... (trial and error) (2)Sending him a note or message on his voice mail at work to see if affection was one of his..... (3)Increased sexual activity..... (4)Improving my personal appearance...<P>So, although the rebuilding has been basically my responsibility, it has helped our marriage - and guess what!.... My needs are beginning to be met. <P>Honesty is my most important need - and he has began to employ honesty in some situations but not all yet.... I'm using patience as a tool! It's working!<P>God Bless you, and I'm glad you are on the forum. And by the way, You are Not Crazy!!!! My first post was "Catch him or am I crazy!!!" - so you can see how far we've come.<P>

Honey, you are in good company. I had asked my H over and over if there was anyone else and he would look me in the eye and lie everytime. This is a very tough thing to go through, but you will find tons of love and support here. Welcome to the club.<P>------------------<BR>Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you.<BR>* Viki