Those who know me from my posts know that my situation is not nearly as bad as some of yours so I sometimes feel selfish posting questions but I thought maybe you could help. It has only been 3 months since discovery and my H immediately broke off relationship with OW. Things are like normal at home ON THE SURFACE. Still alot of emotions underneath it all. We are the couple who never fights. Keeps everything inside. And avoids confrontation at all costs. I know this is bad and am praying for guidance. I want to discuss Dr. Harley's book with my H and go through the emotional needs questions, etc. but I don't know how to approach him or why I am even afraid. I did ask him once a few months ago but he said he was not ready for that - he was still going through a great depression, etc. I also want to ask him to go to Sunday school. We do go to church but feel we need more. We tried a few years back but he wasn't comfortable. I just have the hardest time talking to him. I don't know why. Maybe just fear of rejection? I don't know. In essence, I feel we are going along okay and making some changes (he is much more affectionate and careful of my feelings) but we really have not taken any concrete steps toward rebuilding. I don't know what he needs or wants or why he ever strayed in the first place. (He says he doesn't know either.) Any suggestions on how to go about this? He won't read the book (not a reader) and won't go to counciling (thinks we can do this together with God's help). So any suggestions would help. Blessing to all, J

New Day,<P>You could be describing us when you talk about not fighting, no confrontations, etc.<P>I am blessed in a strange way, because the severity of our 'break' and the intensity of the affair convinced my h. that counseling would be necessary. I did, however, pray for many months before the progress began. <P>I can only say, along with Stormie "Shut up and Pray" It sounds harsh, but when things are sort of suppressed and you can't figure out how to get to the root of things, I think prayer is the way to go. <P>I also pray that God will continue to "Instruct my husband while he sleeps" Psalm 16:7. (They can't argue with a dream!)<P>I just pray, and then look for opportunities to talk about one thing at a time. In our case, we had gotten far away from the kind of 'real' conversation that is the core of a good marriage. I pray that God will build an intimacy for us, and He is doing that, baby steps at a time.<P>Hope this helped a bit. Be patient. God is on the side of marriage. Pray against the darkness!<P>liz\Pearl<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

NewDay,<P>I agree whole heartedly with what POGP says, Pray, Pray, Pray! Let God work in your H's heart first and when God gives the Go sign you will know it is time to talk.<P>As far as your reluctance to post ques. we are all unique in some way. The hurt and need for healing is the same no matter what the circumstances. We need each other and none of us would ever see what you are going thru as less important or less painful. <P>Post away!!!! <P>God Bless, Taj/Cathy

Hi newday! I also have wanted my H to go through the workbook that takes you through the lovebusters and His needs Her needs books, but Im waiting for the right timeing and praying also...<P>I am not afraid to confront, anymore its just prayer, let the other know of my desires then pray some more... I don't ask, it doesn't work... My husband knows I want to go through the books with him, now its in Gods hands... I did notice the workbook is now on his computer desk....<P>cozy/Sue

I agree with POGP too. And yes your problems are just as important as anyone else's. I'm in the same situation, husband told me when he moved back home that it was over, in the past, and he was sorry, so he didn't want to hear about it from me ever again. I have so many unanswered questions in my mind too, sometimes my imagination gets the best of me and I get all worked up about it and fret and fret. Then I find out the truth later - I had nothing to be upset about, he has not contacted her. Every time he's not home and not at work I get to worrying too. So the only thing I've been able to do to get myself calmed back down is PRAY PRAY PRAY and give myself a good talking to -- I remind myself that if he wanted to see her nothing I can do will stop him, I pray that the Lord convict him about it and remove her presence from his mind altogether. I don't dare ask him questions about what happened or why because I'm doing Plan A. Last week when I was about to throw in the towel I cried real hard and prayed real hard for God to tell me what to do. I believe He wants me to keep trying to work things out and trust in Him to handle everything. That's the hardest part for me, letting go and letting God. We're here for you, no matter what, ok?

we can all learn from each other, regardless of what our specific situation is. it seems to me that intense suffering initiates you into a club-and that once you're in, you're in. unfortunately, you are in.<BR> would your husband be open to maybe you reading aloud to him. we have done this and it has turned out to be kind of fun and cozy. we also have a couples devotional bible. it has little devotionals along with a bible passage to read. the discussion questions help us to talk in general about marriage and life and not necessarily "the problem". at least it will get you talking and building.....<BR> i too sometimes feel like we "look too good". he's happy, the kids are happy, i look happy but i am dead inside. i admire your patience in not clobbering him with questions and demands for openess.i fail in this area all the time.<BR>

Neen: We just got the Couples Devotional Bible for Christmas from a friend. Unfortunately, we haven't started using it yet. Maybe tonight! As far as not asking for details goes, it was/is a big struggle. When I did ask in the beginning, we ended up in a huge fight & he would walk out. I was so desperate to keep him here (I didn't want him to leave me), I just dropped the questions. Little by little he opened up about some things but there is still so much I don't know. Part of me wants to know & the other part says I don't need to know - just move on. I really struggled with this issue in the beginning but have adjusted. Thanks for your input. Both our kids are spending the night at friends tonight so we will be home alone (a rare occassion) only the 2nd time I can ever remember. Hopefully, we will have a wonderful night!