I have discovered that I no longer know how to just sit and talk to my H. We have drifted so far apart in this whole mess & our lives are always so busy. Last night when we finally had a little one on one time, I didn't even know what to say. We talked about a few things but just surface talk, you know. Later that night in bed I though about all the other things we should be discussing and tried to figure out why I can't talk to him. I'm still not sure. I email him sometimes or write him notes & letters & I can say anything I have on my mind with no problem. But when we are face to face, I lock up. I don't know if I fear his response or reactions to me or just feel he judges everything I say - I don't know. I need some good recommendations on how to build back that communication. Any good books or sites for help? Your experience? I continue to pray for God's guidance and for him to provide the time and words I need to proceed. Blessings, J

NewDay, I have the same problem. We hardly ever really talk to each other, and that is something the pastor identified right away that was a problem for us (see my post Meeting with Pastor). I think that the reason I feel like I can't talk to H is because for so many years now my H has ridiculed what I say to him, and has repeatedly told me how "stupid" I am and discounted what I say to him. So I quit talking to him out of fear I guess. Now we have an assignment - spend 15 minutes at least 5 times during the next week holding hands or somehow touching each other, and talk to each other about why we like each other, our day, our son, how we feel about each other. Its gonna be hard, especially for H. I don't understand why he can't talk to me, because he can spend hours visiting with his best friend and/or talking to his family. But not me, its a chore for him to talk to me. The pastor also told us we have to make the time to talk, even if its just for 5 minutes or so. He said along with touching, we have to look into each others eyes. My H has a real problem with avoiding eye contact with me, so this should be a challenge. Maybe my pastor's suggestions may work for you?

Thanks AW. I am going to try this without H really being aware first to see if I can do it. I have decided to jot down things that I think about throughout the day that I would like to share with him. Then just get the nerve up to sit down & talk about them. One time I did write a long letter & let him read it then we discussed it. It was easier for me. He knows it is hard for me. But that is a bit awkward & I want to get past that. He says the same thing about me as you do your H. I have no problem talking to my friend or sister & spilling my guts but to him it is so hard. You know it never used to be that way so I really want to get past it. Thanks for the suggestion. I am going to try tonight. Keep me in your prayers! Blessings, J

I like the homework! Just remember to keep it all positive!!!! I think it would be like praising God for the blessings he gives us each day... Its edifying for both parties...<P><P>------------------<BR>Jesus is the only answer!<BR>His blessings, Cozy

i read your post to my husband because he isn't a talker either, and i talk enough for 10 people!! so whether or not i know how to approach him, i just plow ahead and if he retreats i corner him and intensly question him until he completly shuts down. that is exactly how you should NOT approach your husband. things are 200% better now since he isn't hiding anything (i don't think) so i am not digging for anything. <BR>anyway, he suggested this book he is reading called "The Trauma of Transparency" by J.Grant Howard. he says it's a real eye opener, and a help with communicating. he says you husband sounds closed. he said to try and get the book on tape if he doesn't want to read it. it is a christian book loaded with scriptures, like a bible study. so it doesn't read like a regular self help book. he says that when communicate acceptance it makes him feel open. i do that by validating what he does say, and i say that what he says is important and valuable. (i'm typing this as he speaks, and i'm wondering when i do this ) he says i encourage him by my openess. <BR>maybe you should try reading him stuff off this site. (my husband added "naked", he says that helps everything and that it certainly is open, then he paused and said not everything, but it certainly won't hurt)<BR> <BR>what happened with the couple's devotional, did you read it together? i think that "broke the ice" for us when there was an elephant standing in the room (the whole affair) and we didn't know what to say without opening up the whole can of worms.if there is a christian bookstore by you , maybe you could rent some of the videos by dr. ed wheat or dobson or someone, just about building up marriages. our pastor counselled us to tell each other one good thing about each other every day - that kind of got us talking too.<BR> really, reading this site to him is interesting, and i'm not even naked!!<BR>(of course i am careful about which posts i choose, i don't want to start a fight)<BR>

omigoodness....i just took some of my own previous advice and read some posts to my husband. i had been reading "Being a better arik"'s post over in infidelity because i remembered his unusual name from his wife's post here (nicole). well, what a story. it has opened up much discussion here. they are both sooooo open and it is all laid out for us to read and disect. they are about in the same place as you (time wise) since discovery, so that may be a interesting place to start. especially if you do a search under arik's previous name (2 soulmates). it is heart wrenching, but very eye opening. i'm going to post to nicole, because i don't want to offend her, but i think the whole thing is fascinating (that they both post here) in a sick way that only someone suffering in this way can appreciate.<P>

We did it! We actually had a good conversation for 30-45 minutes. And I was shooting for 15. He actually opened up and expressed some concerns he has over his job. We are planning on moving in June to another state with his company. I was glad to be away from OW but still hated leaving friends, etc. here. He decided to submit his resume to another company here in town so we discussed the pros & cons of staying & leaving. It was great! I am encouraged & plan on trying again tonight for those 15 minutes. Thanks to all! Blessings, J (I will check out some of the other posts you mentioned. My H really doesn't know how all this is discussed on here & I'm not sure he would like me sharing. Very personal to him. So I have not read him any posts. Maybe I should reconsider that. He might be okay knowing this is still pretty anonymous. Again thank you all!) J

NewDay,<P>Again I am in awe at how powerful the prayers are on this forum. God is hearing us! God is answering prayer! God is changing our situations into hopeful, positive steps of restoration. It is so great to hear what God is doing in your particular set of circumstances. <P>Thank your Lord for the time of communication that NewDay enjoyed with her husband. Encourage her heart with this answer to prayer and give her husband the desire to continue talking things over with her concerning their lives together. Where silence has prevailed let words of love and support now prevail. IJN

I am so happy to hear that you two had a good conversation!!! A lot of prayer beforehand is a big help, huh. I want to start our 15 minutes of touching and talking tonight. My H said he couldn't this morning because he didn't have 15 minutes to spare. I'm going to try to leave work a little early so I won't be tied up making dinner when he gets home and we can talk. I made a list last night of the things I'm going to say to him (all positive, what I love about him stuff). It seems that the more I compliment him his facial expression softens. He is an insecure man, and I think this is one of his important needs - to be made to feel that he is cherished, wanted, attractive. For years before the split I was always so upset with him and angry about his drinking and being gone all the time that I couldn't find it in myself to say anything nice to him. For the majority of our marriage, I have made more money than him, which I think bothered him and made him feel more downgraded. I should have been building him up and complimenting him then. If I had maybe we wouldn't be going through what we are today. Ok, I'll stop rambling. My thoughts and prayers are with you today, and I'll be praying for you to have another wonderful conversation with your husband tonight. Bless you, NewDay!!!

I just wanted to thank you all. When I read those personal prayers & well wishes for ME (NewDay), it means so much to me. To know someone specifically names you in their prayers is a priviledge and I am so grateful for all of you. So strange to feel so connected and not even know your names Thanks again! Blessings, J

Well, we didn't get to talk last night. By the time I arrived home he was sleeping. I was a bit frustrated because I wanted to spend some time together. I often email my H quotes from my devotionals but today I just didn't feel up to it. Guess I was a little disappointed about last night, so I just sent an email wishing him a good day. He emailed back asking where his inspiration was. I told him I was a little empty & how about him providing the quote today. He wrote back telling me how thankful he is for a me being so understanding about him, his work, & what a great mom I am (ok, i feel guilty now) and "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer & petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" & "Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift." Happy to know he is reading his Bible again. God is working in our lives. Blessings, J

NewDay,<P>Hey, sounds like you and your H are communicating to me! <P>Communication takes many forms, e-mails, physical touch, words, gestures, body language, facial expressions! I think the way your H spoke of his thankfulness for you communicated volumns! <P>I think of all the ways God communicates to us, through His word, through prayer, through circumstances, through others! I need to remember how different we all are and how we change with different moods etc., maybe your H has an easier time communicating in other ways then verbally!<P>My H weighs each word he speaks long and hard. He may not say much but what he does say I know he means. I on the other hand could talk with the house on fire. In some ways I wish I was a better listener and not such a talker!<P>Anyways, all of this to say I still think God is answering your prayer for better communication maybe just in not the way you thought. <P>God Bless, Taj<P><p>[This message has been edited by Taj (edited January 12, 2000).]

that sounds so great! thank God for these little and not so little victories!!

I am so happy for you who have this communication thing going on! You are blessed! Last night I told my H that I was lonely in a houseful of people.. I was close to tears...<P>H said hey, you got attention today, and I recalled the time I spent giving him his needed physical attention earlier in the day and explained, or tryed to explain that the attention I need is different than his needs. He doesn't understand and still isn't ready to go through the books with me..<P>I think right now our biggest problem is that the finances are soooo tight we are seeing signs of it all over the house... Down to the last this and there is none of that etc... so H is withdrawing into his computer again... this is a world that I cant join into as he's on the puter, but what scares me is that somewhere out there OW is on her puter too.... <P>Best stop thinking, Ill be getting myself into trouble...<P>Pray for me guys, I need H to open up and just talk and touch so badly....<P>Ill pray too...<P>------------------<BR>Jesus is the only answer!<BR>His blessings, Cozy

Cozy,<P>We all seem to have our areas where all we can do is "shut up and pray". This sounds like one of yours. Mine right now is the finances. I am not working and so my H is the sole earner so to speak. I believe in giving back to the Lord a portion of what He blesses us with and my H struggles with giving. He is always afraid there won't be enough and so he is reluctant to give. I have to bite my tongue continually to keep from telling him what I think when I know he knows already. Sooooo, I must SUAP!!!!!<P>Each of our H's have specific areas that we need to see improvement in so that we can feel encouragement to see progress. Is this the area you feel is hitting you hardest?<P>Lord, cause Cozy's husband to sense her lonliness and need for communication. Let him see her with eyes that are sensitive to her way of receiving love. Where there is hardness of heart Father soften and bring about an opportunity even today for this couple to really enjoy each others company. IJN