I am wondering about something and need some input from you ladies.<P>Here is my question, Do you still snoop? <P>How does this fit with honoring your husband and trusting God?<P>thanks, liz<p>[This message has been edited by POGP (edited January 20, 2000).]

I confess, I still do this and I hate it! I originally found out about his affair while going through his briefcase for a folder. I found a card with a woman's name on it and sat there trying to decide whether to open it or not. I did and the words of him professing his love to her still burn in my head. I then went through his day planner so I could put a last name & number with her first name because I didn't even know she existed. I found it. So I don't know why I continue to snoop, but I do. After the briefcase, I went through his desk, his pockets, etc. and found nothing else. But I am still compelled to check things out when I get the opportunity. I admit I don't do it as often as I used to, but I do still do it. Now he has gotten online, I try to check his emails, too. Oh, it is terrible and I don't like the fact that I feel so compelled to do this. I want to trust him again, but it is so hard. Blessings, J

Convicted. I did this all the time. He didn't know I went through his brief case. But now I have to deal with all the words I read. Sometimes it was helpful so I could in my own way refute the lies she was telling him. The ow is a prolific writer. Sometimes even 18 page emails. She repeats over and over again everything he's ever said to her. She often recalls their meeting. To me it is like a brain washing.Now that he is out of the house I don't get a chance. It is probably better. I know she writes because my daughter was over there and she said she saw an envelope. If he came back it would be hard to stop, because as far as I'm concerned it is one of the consequences he has to deal with for his actions. However, I have been convicted by God that this is not good. Therefore I have no clear answer on this one. It woiuld be a great temptation to continue in the future, but the pain and memories are hard to deal with. So there are consequences for me as well.

Well, I have to admit I still check up on my husband. Not like I used to though. Before we separated I checked EVERYTHING every night!! He had women's phone numbers hidden in places you wouldn't believe. Of course I confronted him every time and of course he denied denied denied. He became quite the accomplished liar. I still get a sick feeling in my stomach every time I think about it.<P>Since we have been back together, and he wants me to trust him, I have made a concentrated effort not to snoop. Yes I have a few times since he's been home, didn't find anything. In fact he no longer erases his logged calls from his cell phone and pager, like he used to do. I guess what keeps me from totally trusting him is the fact that he still drinks a lot and was always drunk or in a bar when he was unfaithful. <P>One of the things we discussed in our counseling session was me being able to trust him. The pastor told me I HAVE to trust him until he proves otherwise. Since our meeting I have tried very hard not to think about what happened in the past, and not snoop. Until tonight I was doing good. My husband was late yet again (drinking after work with his co-workers) and those old feelings of fear crept in. I've got to pray harder for help on this. <P>Let's lift each other up in prayer about this ladies. We can overcome this through the Lord.

Thanks for your responses.<P>I guess none of us has 'the solution' to this problem. I know that God is trustworthy, however, I also know that my h. has proven himself unworthy of trust.<P>I guess I am trying to figure out how much 'slack' to give him. <P>Lord, please protect us from the evil one. Please give us wisdom regarding our compulsion to check up on our husbands. Please guide us as we try to learn to trust.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by POGP (edited January 20, 2000).]

Liz,<P>I have thought long and hard about this question you posed. I really wasn't sure where I stood on snooping. I would like to say that I have grown beyond all of that and maybe one day I will but for the present I guess I need to keep a watch out!<P>That is not to say that my H has given me any reason. The thing is that I so blindly accepted everything he told me for all of those years and only once in the very beginning doubted him.<P>Mind you I have been a believer in the power of God for many years. I know I was trusting God during the years of the affair as well as since.<P>To make this long summation shorter, I will not blindly love this man again. The only one I will unconditionally love is my Lord. I will respect him and love him but he is a mere mortal and I think given the right circumstances we can all commit some pretty rotten deeds.<P>Call it lack of trust but as my sign off use to say, I will remain, "eyes wide open". If my thinking is wrong I know God will show me.<P>Blessings, Taj<p>[This message has been edited by Taj (edited January 19, 2000).]

Taj,<P>I think you summed up how I feel about it pretty well. After I posted the question I realized two things: 1) God has never let me down, 2) my husband has, in many ways.<P>So, I blindly trust in God's goodness and cautiously extend trust as it is earned by my h. For instance, I thought that I would worry each night he 'works' late. However, he calls me when he is leaving, we have Caller ID, and I know he is where he says he is.<P>Give trust where it is deserved, withhold it where it still needs to be proven...i guess that is my present philosophy.<P>Thanks for responding.<BR>liz<P>------------------<P>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR><p>[This message has been edited by POGP (edited January 20, 2000).]

I've put off posting to this topic since my H doesn't live with me at the moment. But....<BR>When I started getting suspicious about his behavior, I snooped. Everywhere. In his pockets (all of them) , his wallet, the car, his toolbox...I also looked at every piece of paper he brought home. I called to make sure he was where he said he was. And he still had the affair.<BR>I can say, with complete honesty, that if he decides to work on us and come home, I will continue to snoop. I'll just be more discreet about it. Sneaky if you want to call it that. <BR>He has let me down in a way that if he wants to be trusted, he has to earn that. He MUST willingly give me info that I need to build that trust again.<BR>Maybe I'm wrong but I will need that sense of security.<BR>

yes i do check stuff. i don't really think of it as snooping, i think of it as confirming the truth. that he is once again single hearted, and has nothing to hide. so far so good. <BR> i will repeat what i have read, i trust God (most of the time), i do not trust him. this behavior does not "bother" my h, if it did then i would definately do it behind his back. <BR> boy, aren't i a ray of sunshine??? tough week/month.

See my red face? I have just had a narrow brush with danger and a full fledged encounter with embarrassment!<P>Background: My bedroom phone stores the last number dialed, completely...that is, if you dial your work voice mail plus the access code, the whole thing is stored. I thought I was so brilliant last week when I saw it on the weekend after my h. checked his messages. (I was suspicious because he checked messages on a Saturday.)<P>I didn't use the code all week, because I didn't want my h. to be checking his mailbox at the same time, which would 'expose' me.<P>Sooo, yesterday while he was working in the yard I had to run an errand. I thought "this is a perfect time to check his messages", so I brought my cell phone and checked the messages as soon as I drove away from the house. Three saved messages, boring work related stuff.<P>I bought Super Bowl food and called him from the car -- he was very cheerful, "bring home some wine, it is beautiful out on the porch".<P>When I got home, we sat on the porch and watched our kids playing. After a minute or two he said, "May I ask a personal question?"<BR>"Sure". "So, how often DO you check my voice mails?" Whoops.<P>He wasn't angry at all, in fact, he said "It's so funny, 'cause my life is so boring and I am being completely open with you". <P>I apologized a few times and he said "Don't be silly, I am not mad. You have a right to be suspicious, it is very understandable. I just think its funny."<P>So there is my tale of embarrassment. (I thought I was sooo smart!)<P>have a good week. We have counseling Thursday night.<P>lizzie\pearl<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

Ouch!! I have been caught before, too. But as was your h, mine was fairly understanding about where I was coming from. He just told me I wasn't going to find anything, cause there is nothing to find, but if it makes me feel better, go ahead and snoop. Well, last week I did check his briefcase again. Pleasantly I was surprised to find all the little devotionals, words of encouragement, or prayers I have emailed him. He had them all printed out and had saved them. This cured me of snooping for awhile. I finally feel I can quit unless I get that feeling.....you know that one....that something is amiss. Anyways I haven't had that lately. Just another praise note, my H recently emailed me and mentioned a marriage conference listed in our church newsletter and asked if I wanted to attend. He said he thought it would be good. I said you don't have to ask me twice, I am there!!! I am so excited. It is in March so I know a lot could happen between now and then but keep us in your prayers. On another high note, my 10 year old son has decided to commit his life to the Lord and get baptized. Hooray!!! The Lord is showering me with blessings. Prayers to you all! J

i think it is really encouraging that your husbands are so understanding of this kind of post-betrayal behavior--mine is too.<BR> i just can't wait until the day when we have no temptation to do that whatsoever--because trust is fully restored!! oooo i can't wait, and sometimes i lose sight that it is even possible.

Lizzie, thanks for sharing. Now I don't feel so bad about my past snooping. The last time I snooped, I asked my husband about the number on his cell phone, and he gave me an honest answer. Wasn't mad at me like in the past, I guess because I confessed to him that I had looked and was feeling very insecure about our relationship. I haven't snooped since then, I'm trying hard to trust him totally, and let God do the work here. There's been a number of times I thought I ought to go check his cell phone after he'd gone to sleep, but I didn't - told myself I was too tired and said a little prayer that the Lord handle any situations that could cause me heartache. So far, so good. <P>We're all human, and can succumb so easy to our fears and insecurities. Why can't it be easy to get over these old suspicions and fears? Pray, pray, pray, right gals? <P>

I still snoop, which is bad. I also let my H know that I look or he knows without me looking. My H says that he does not have anything to hide and he is upset when I do look. He says that it lets him know that I don't trust him. And I tell him that at the present time I don't, but am trying to get back to the point of trusting him, because I have forgiven him and trust is suppose to come with forgiving. (My H had an affair for two years and I just found out in December.) (Read my story in General Questions forum and you will see what I have to contend with.)<P>After I found out, he took me throught his wallet and together we got ride of things we thought was and maybe a problem. I also told my H that I trusted him for 15 years and he betrayed me. So me trusting his has to be rebuilted. And he has to show me that he is trustworthy.<P>I pray every day for strenght to endure the hurt and pain. I pray that the Lord would bless my H and change his ways. I also pray that the Lord would guide me to learn to trust him again. <P>But I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHICH STRENGHTEN ME! Phil 4:13<P>TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND HE WILL DIRECT YOU PATH.

Yes, I can relate to much of this. I bumbled on to the paper trail of evidence. He made up some pretty incredible stories of the receipt I found for a gift I didn't get and a few other things. I wanted to believe him, I mean I never suspected a thing. Although I have to say that one morning, mayabe a week before discovery, when H wasn't home (during the month of his affair there were legitimately crazy hours 24/7 at work, so that was his cover), I said out loud..."My H is having an affair." I have no idea why that came out of my mouth. Except for the odd hours (which at the time was not a red flag) there was no suspicion. I remember thinking, "what was that?"<P>Anyway, after the receipt, my H sent me to look in his jacket to show how the "gift" was there to be returned. I am sure he didn't know she stuffed a love note in his pocket...and there was also a sweatshirt of our team's archrival in a bag to be returned. Now I know he had no intention of giving me that. It was almost like I was lead to all of this. <P>So what started out as being bombarded by evidence, led to my snooping for months. Still check things out occasionally. But H knows I do this...and he doesn't act like it bothers him at all. He told me he knew he lost any shred of credibility with me and that I he understood if I couldn't believe him. So for me, checking things out made me feel less threatened which was helpful.<P>Although it is another one of those fine lines, I think verification is different than distrust.<P>And I keep in mind I can trust, but I can not control whether he is trustworthy. <P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

This is such a great discussion... It's been about a year and a half since my H's affair, and the Lord has done miraculous things in our marriage, but I'd be untruthful to say that I still don't struggle with this. Two things have helped:<P>We have recently become involved in a church that really stresses having accountability partners and helping each other along in our spiritual walks. So I know that there is another Christian married man who asks him periodically, "so how's your purity?, how are your times with God?, how is the issue with the internet going?, Are you still tempted by A, B, or C? How do you deal with it?" And he gets to do the same, and they really pray with each other about their struggles. So in a way, a lot of burden has been taken off of me to be checking up, because someone else is doing that, and would let me know if anything was wrong.<P>The other thing that has helped is that my H and I have vowed to always be honest with one another, no matter how hard it might be. When I have the temptation to snoop for any reason, I tell him about it. This may not make sense to some, but for me, it works. I tell him what I'm feeling, and why I feel as if I need to snoop, including any behavior that he has exibited, or anything that I stumbled across to make me question something. Then, he either discusses this with me, or (even more often) we snoop together right then and there, as soon as I bring it up, so that he doesn't have a chance to hide anything. I should say, I snoop with him in the room watching me.<P>I know this last one seems silly, but it's something that has worked for us so far. It doesn't give anything a chance to "sit and steam" in my heart, and things are resolved very quickly, bad or good, and there have been both.<P>I hope this helps someone!<P>Carrie.

FHL,<BR>Oh, you made me feel so much better! Your statements "Although it is another one of those fine lines, I think verification is different than distrust.<BR>And I keep in mind I can trust, but I can not control whether he is trustworthy." helped me so much. I'm in a daily struggle with the trust issue. It never came to me that "I cannot control whether he is trustworthy" until you said this. How very true. My prayers for him will now include "Lord please help my husband to be trustworthy". <BR>Thank you for sharing with us. <BR> <BR>

AW,<BR>You words were very kind.<P>It has taken me about a year of recovery to get where I am. It is still difficult.<P>My H is out of town on a business trip. He has been great about calling, telling me his where he has been/is going. That helps me to trust...and actually I do. I think he has learned enough to run from trouble. However, I can not guarantee that he is trustworthy. I can positively influence him, which in this case is asking about his schedule, etc...so he feels accountable and being loving and supportive. I don't drill him and I don't try to micro manage, because I realize his actions are beyond my control. That took a long time. He makes it easy by being understanding and patient. Just letting go of the need to make him trustworthy by realizing I can't has really helped me let a lot go.<P>Since we are all humans and sinners, blind trust seems really kind of silly to me now, although I sure had it big time. Now I would call my trust more balanced and realistic. <P>In certain situations I think blind trust is really counter productive and enabling. <P>But you are right about the fine line.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13