Yet another chapter I can relate to my marriage. I'm beginning to think mine is really a big mess! We have some serious issues here. Since my husband lives for the world right now, he does not see anything wrong with the example he is setting for our son. We had a rather heated discussion about what we'd do if our son wanted to drink. H thinks its ok, all kids are going to do it, and he might as well be with him or son be at home if he's going to drink. I say it is our responsibility as parents to instill the ability to say "no" to drugs or alcohol in our son, and to live as an example of what is right and wrong. I also told him that by telling our son it was ok to drink as long as he did it with him or at home was condoning illegal behavior (not to mention it blatantly says to him - go ahead and drink son, I don't care if you end up ruining your life). We ended the discussion by agreeing to disagree on this subject. I'm sure our parenting skills are going to get discussed during counseling. <P>Stormie's statement "the importance of a father's influence can never be underestimated. How he related to his children will shape their lives for bad or for good" really got to me. I think of all the years of verbal cruelty my daughter went through at the hand of my H and it makes me SICK. This had my daughter so screwed up in the head she ran away, did drugs, hung out with some really creepy people, and practically lived in the gutter for almost 2 years. She has since straighted her life out but still has major scars from the years of abuse from my H (he's not her father, she's my child from a previous marriage). She has such extreme hatred for my husband now, he knows this. I have always prayed intensely for my daughter, and the Lord has taken care of her, but since I found out what he had done to her, I've been praying for her to be able to forgive him someday. <P>It scares me that my husband has "provoked his children to wrath" and has not "brought them up in the training and admonition of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4). I have tried to make up for this for so long. There are just so many things that go haywire when one spouse is a Christian and the other is not. May the Lord bring my husband to repentance, and soon.<P>On page 140, the paragraph that states "THe Bible says, "Whoever curses his father or his mother, his lamp will be put out in deep darkness" pertains to us. My husband came from a physically abusive home, and despised his father. How true Stormie's statement is "Unless forgiveness happens in his heart for his dad, he will be in the dark as to how to be the best father for his children." I realized after reading this chapter that it will be so important for me to pray that the Lord teach my husband how to be a good parent, and that He give my husband forgiveness in his heart for his father. <P>Lord, teach our husbands to be good fathers. Guide them every day in their interactions with our children so that the loving bond between father and child is strengthened. Show them each how important they are to our children and what an impact their lives are on these children. In Jesus Name I Pray, AMEN

AW,<P>Your history with your H is so invasive, it is so sad how one family has to go through so much. I can think of so many ways that these kind of dysfunctional situations can be avoided and they all come back to Jesus.<P>Our society today would say your daughter is truly "scarred for life". but God says He makes all things new ,old things are passed away.<P>It would seem that your H needs to have a complete change of heart in order to deal first of all with the present before he had even begin to deal with his past and your families past.<P>Your daughter needs to see forgiveness for this man as well or she will be chained to the abuse. It sounds like she shouldn't be around him until God can heal her of all of this hurt.<P>Fatherhood is so important, and our H's come to our marriage with the example set by their fathers to their mother. Oh what a wicked web is weaved!<P>My H has basically changed forever his relationship with our kids. They love him but they have been totally disillusioned by his behavior and they are dealing with their own losses.<P>This is such a "can of worms", I'm not even sure how to pray. In this case with your situation and mine I am going to call upon the Holy Spirit to pray according to God's wisdom and will.<P>Lord, Your word says when we don't know how to pray You enter in and pray with groanings that cannot be spoken. Our hearts grieve for the destruction that has taken place in our children's lives, allow your peace to enter in and calm the storming emotions of hurt. Somehow Father show our H's what real Fatherhood is, the kind of love You our Heavenly Father love us with.<BR>Help us God in our grief to leave this concern at your feet. In the mean time Lord make us mothers who can stand in the gap even with our children.<BR>IJN<P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18<p>[This message has been edited by Taj (edited January 21, 2000).]

I agree 100% that the way to avoid these dysfunctional situations in a family is through Jesus. And, I agree that my daughter is better off not being around H until my husband has a complete change of heart. Yes, he admits he was cruel and hurtful to her during her teenage years, but he still tries to throw the blame back on her, saying how it was hard for him to live with a teenager that hated him and defied him. Until my husband has a complete change of heart and accepts responsibility for the damage he has caused in her life, he should not be around her. <P>I'm adding your last line about being mothers who can stand in the gap even with our children to my prayers.

My H also had a bad homelife experiance.. His mom and dad divorsed when he was 7 and spent the 2 years previous in and out of separation and fights... <P>Physcologists told MIL that H's panic attacks probably stem from this trauma in his young life, and that boys of 7 and girls of 5 that go through traumas are the ones they treat for panic/anxiety most of all..<P>So H has a negative attitude toward his parents, and says his dad is as well as dead to him, although he is much alive but hundreds of miles away... Its hard for a man that has had no 'good' example of fathering children to be able to take over the position of father...<P>My H is very loving to his girls, and if the OC could be around H would shower him with affection also... H said that he will never abandon his children as his dad did... The biggest problems seem to be H understanding the responsibilities as Dad and the need to model the walk they need to follow...<P>We will need to lift all of these men up to get past their own dysfunctions to be able to be what Jesus would have them be to these precious gifts we have been given to us...<P>I think the chapter "His Past" will be a great way to start this recovery...the paragraph that starts on the bottom of page 144 says it all...<P>My Gods grace and mercy cover a multitude of the incorrect influence in our H's past with their own fathers which carry over to the present with their own children... Lord, where our H's fail, bring in sound models of a Godly man into our childrens lives and give them the decernment and wisdom and strenth to do what is correct.. Start the healing to bring our H's into the correct walk with you, as to make them like our Father in heaven, mold them Lord Jesus.. AMEN

This chapter on Fatherhood is one that is so very real to women in our situation. Due to our circumstances we have often become both father and mother. That in itself is hardly God's plan and yet there has been no other way due to our H's choices.<P>Consequently my children have me on a pedestal and my H in a pit! They have been able to forgive him like I said in my last post but they lost so much respect for him.<P>My H was a good father in many ways, he just spent alot of time away with OW and consequently missed alot of his kids life. His own father was pretty much nonexistent due to being a workaholic and since we've been married there has been very little contact. This has made it easier I believe for my H to assume a position with our children of aloofness. They are hurt even more by this!<P>Please pray for my H and my children that they will be able to find their way back to each other. My H does need to take the initiative and keep in touch at least by phone. I know my kids still need him.<P>Father in heaven, bring my family together in a new way. Let the relationship between my children and H be renewed. Show us how Lord, we are not sure how to go about it, our efforts up to this point have not been very successful. IJN<P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18

My children are young, 8 & 10, and so they really don't know about my H's affair. I'm sure they are aware that something was up but we kept our discussions closed. However, the other night as my H was in tears (see update post) he mentioned how he had let me down and the kids down. I said they didn't even know about the affair & he didn't let them down. But he admitted how he spent time with OW which could have been spent with his children. He was very hard on himself for this. I can see a big change in him now trying to make it up. I am grateful he can see his errors and is trying to make amends. PTL! Blessings, J