My h. has told me numerous times that the affair was not at all my fault. He says I didn't fail him in any areas, except allowing him to 'be bad' . <P>He says the OW was a mean, sarcastic and selfish person, so he felt comfortable being as bad as he wanted with her. (Talking behind coworker's backs, sarcasm, sex in the office, in hotels at lunch, footsie during business meetings, sex on a business trip).<P>Now that we are in recovery and in counseling with a great therapist, I still wonder how I can meet this 'need' of his to be 'bad'. I think maybe it is just a need to be more 'real', since he now openly says he is no longer a Christian. <P>This is an area where my disrespectful judgments came in, as he had been a pillar of the church, a deacon, etc., and as his Midlife crisis kicked in, I wasn't very happy with his new lifestyle of drinking, swearing and talking about other women all the time.<P>So I try to balance these two needs, and I don't know if I am succeeding. For example, I now join him for a drink every night after we get the kids in bed. This means my intake of alcohol has gone up from 1 drink/month to 1/day. <P>I now share openly with him all my thoughts, including angry or malicious ones about other people. We had a really deep conversation about the nature of man and whether or not it is healthy to stifle our 'bad' side. The conversation was great, but I wonder, is he going to 'pull me down' if I am not careful?<P>Any insights?<P>lizzie\pearl<BR><P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

I think that I have been there, although for a little less time than it seems that you have. I really found a lot of hope in that verse (forgive me for not recalling the reference) that says that a wife, solely by her actions, can turn her husband back to God. That's a large bit of power that God has given us, and a large bit of responsibility as well. If I can put in my two cents, concentrate on your relationship with God, and what HE wants for your marriage, and don't let satisfying your husband compromise that. I understand the importance of satisfying him in every way possible, but if it messes up your relationship with God, well, it's just not worth it. I would encourage you to really look at God's word and see what He has to say about it, and then, get some more good advice on this, too. <P>Best of luck. I'll be praying.<P>Carrie.

PGOP,<BR>Isn't it ironic, that I found the reference to the scripture that I was looking for in one of YOUR posts????<P>You wrote about 1 Peter 3:1-6 in the submission thread, so here's the verse I wanted to quote from your post: "Wives, in the same way, be submissive to your husbands, so that, IF ANY OF THEM DO NOT BELIEVE, THEY MAY BE WON OVER without words BY THE BEHAVIOR OF THEIR WIVES, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives."<P>So, you know what I'm talking about, and I'm glad... it's neat to see the same scriptures apply to different parts of our lives! <P>Carrie.

I neglected coming here, and your post yesterday drew me back...and here you are again.<P>I never thought about it in this way until it was quoted here, but I think we walk a fine line applying it to our marriages.<P>If we are to win over someone, I think we need to be careful not to appear superior or judgemental to the person we are trying to win. It is one thing to quietly conduct our own lives in a Godly manner, certainly we can not compromice our own faith. However, appearing rigid, judgemental or superior in our attitude ivalidates our actions.<P>This is tough. Maybe it comes down to the mindset that we can not control our H's actions, so we need to resist the urge to evaluate them. Agree to disagree about the appropriateness in each of your lives individually, unless his actions actually steps over an important boundry in your marriage. In other words, don't swear to please your H, but let him decide his own language usage for himself. Possibly negociate language used in front of the children.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL,<P>SOOOO glad you came back here to post! <P>That whole 'fine line' concept is exactly what I have been thinking and praying about.<P>Lord, what lines don't you want me to cross? What behaviors will make my husband more comfortable and still not offend you? Please give us all wisdom as we seek to meet our husband's needs and serve you at the same time.<P>AMEN<P>lizzie\pearl<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

i get concerned in a similar way. my husband viewed me as "godly" when he was turned away, the ow was even worse than him, so this inturn made him feel like he was super spriritual, and he liked that. so now, how do i "be myself" if it makes him feel like i am "more spritual" than he is? the truth is that when we met he was the one much further along in his walk. but in the last 6 years he was running back (as opposed to back sliding) while God was strengthening and growing me.<P>do i act like i am in God's 5th grade while he's back in kindergarten?? i hope not. i think the key is to be real about my struggles. we all have them. i also need to recognize and "admire"/notice/respect the growth that i do see in him. this is tough since he was such a good faker/hypocrite that for years i thought he was "fine". ugh!!<P>one word about being "bad". i sometimes want to be "bad". i have always been that way, but my husband was "goodie goodie". it is ridiculas that HE was the one to be REALLY bad. and it kills me that he finally "broke out of his stiff strait jacket", but with someone else!!!! but i think a little "badness" once in a while keeps us from being really bad or sinful. what do i mean?? certainly not sin: here are some ideas, some with the kids some definately alone: saying a bad word once in awhile or not being so perfect, staying in our pj's all day eating only sugary stuff, taking off from work and school and going skiing, watching 3 movies in a row, staying out way too late with the kids, having sex on the steps, one time we were driving home from the city and i very carefully put my husband's suit jacket on and took off all my clothes, having sex anywhere besides the bed,(i'm on a sex roll, but you know what i mean), having cereal for dinner, staying home from sunday night church......you get the idea?? i guess it's just another version of being creative and not letting our marriages become mundane and boring. maybe you could brainstorm with him.<P>i'd be careful of stuff that could be construed as sinful because then he may veiw your participation as approval. and you need to be careful not to be a stumbling block to him.

You've gotten some really great advice, so I don't have much more to offer. I've been kind of in this situation too, because my husband will say to me "have a few drinks and cut loose" or "why don't you just get drunk with me at home tonight". I just can't though. In the past I would sling the "disrespectful judgements" at him. I've made a concentrated effort to tell him, "no thanks honey, drinking will make me throw up". He doesn't take offense at this because its true - ever since I had my son, if I drink I get very ill. So guess God saved me on this one!<P>I think neen said it best when she said your H may view your participation as approval and you don't want to be a stumbling block. I don't feel that being submissive means we have to submit to our husband's unholy request. If he wants to be "bad", let him deal with the consequences but don't jeopardize yourself.

POGP,<P>You have gotten some great feedback here. There was a time when my husband had a couple of drinks every night. I did have a glass of wine with him nightly but I prayed at the same time about this. After about three months he quit and doesn't drink except for an occasional beer. I think in all things we need to be an example, but not judging or saying anything. "No, thank you but go ahead if you want." I don't think there is anything wrong with having a drinjk with your husband if he initiates. But pray God to work on this. But I would be careful that you feel okay about whatever he is asking you to do. If you feel that tug, then follow God. In all things follow God first.<BR>This is a hard one. But trust God and Trust Him to let you know. And in all things pray.

I was reading some articles about unbelieving spouses and came across this one by Billy Graham. It gave some very good scripturally based advice on how to handle these situations.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.cityguides.net/Charlotte/family/marriag2.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.cityguides.net/Charlotte/family/marriag2.htm</A>