I am so confused right now - I've prayed and prayed that the Lord go before me in everything I do and say, and it still blows up in my face. I'm having a really hard time tonight trying to deal with this alcoholic who blames me for EVERYTHING wrong.<P>My husband has been drinking today - He just got home about 30 minutes ago. He's not drunk but had enough to drink that he is unable to control his anger. He is extremely angry with me again about his sentence to go to spousal abuse counseling. I believe that if he wasn't in so much trouble now, he would have hit me tonight, he is so angry. He is blaming me, says I screwed up his life by forcing (?) him to go to counseling. He screamed at me that he wouldn't have to go to the #**#&$ counseling if I hadn't had him arrested. He was just livid, hollering at me, one minute saying he wants to end our marriage, next minute says he didn't say it, I must be crazy. I was calm, told him repeatedly that I love him more than anything in this world, but he has to stop blaming me. Of course this just made him madder. I told him I didn't want to talk to him about it because he'd been drinking. <P>He kept asking me what did I want to do, we had to settle it right now. Apparently his atty. had told him in order for the trial to be cancelled, I have to agree to this sentence. This is what we got into the arguement about last Friday - I was angry that his atty. took it upon himself to make another deal with the prosecutor without me having a chance to discuss it with my atty. - the Prosecutor. I had told my H then I wasn't agreeing to anything until I could talk to the prosecutor. I've tried several times this week to talk to him and haven't been able to reach him. I felt that my H wasn't telling me the whole truth, because he let it slip that he had a choice between 1 yr. probation with no alcohol, mandatory AA, and counseling or the 6 mos. of spousal abuse counseling, or a jury trial. He had led me to believe that the prosecutor changed the offer. Again I felt betrayed by him. If I would have had my say in this I would have preferred he took the no alcohol sentence over the counseling because his alcohol abuse is the root of all of his problems, and all of our problems. So, I felt like my H chose the easy way out - keep drinking but go to counseling. <P>Anyway to keep a long story short, I ended up in tears, upset, afraid of losing what we've accomplished, and totally unloved. H went to bed mad, nothing is settled again. I guess he has to give his atty. an answer tomorrow. The last thing he said to me before going to bed was that the outcome (whether I agree or not) would settle whether or not he stays and works on the marriage or leaves again. He is in one of those moods where he wants to give up and go back to drinking himself into a stupor all the time. He is manipulating me into getting his way and I don't know what to do. Part of me says I must do what he says to be a submissive wife, and the other part of me says that I can't let him twist things around and blame me anymore. He swears at me and calls me horrible names. He wouldn't do this if he hadn't been drinking. My stomach is just in knots and the tears won't stop. Why does he have to drink and ruin what we have?<P>I have been trying so hard to please him, I kept his dinner warm for 3 hours, I greeted him with a hug and kiss & didn't say anything about him staying out late drinking, so why does he attack me with his hateful words? <P>Dear God, why does this man want to hurt me so much? All of this pain is becoming overwhelming. Please pray with me that the Lord resolve this problem. Thank you for being here and listening. <P>

Precious Sister,<BR>I am so sorry that you had to experience this attack from Satan via your husband. Your behavior was positive in spite of his negativity and you are right to talk with the prosecuter first. Alcoholism is a nasty thing. Manipulation and deceit are emeshed so tightly that it is difficult to separate and look at things as they are. The reality is that he made bad choices long ago and you took positive action so that it would not be repeated. Though someone may be remorseful about what they did, they still experience the consequences of the choice they made at the time, example David, Bathsheba and the baby. <BR>The most healty thing is for your husband to experience the consequences of his behavior and that you love him enough to allow this to happen and that you are committed to the relationship to stand with him through it. You do not have to allow yourself to experience his wrath or verbal abuse, you can walk away from that and reaffirm him that you will discuss things when he has calmed down. You do not have to allow fear to take a hold of you that he might leave the marriage if you don't "do" what he wants, God is in control and working here. Stay out of the Lord's way. <P>Keep your focus on the Lord and how He would have you act. Rest in Him and wait expectantly for the hope that comes from Him. You know enough about alocoholism that they have to hit bottom before they are ready to be helped. Let him hit bottom! You speak the truth in love, even if he becomes angry. His anger is nothing compared to the Lord's! We are to fear the Lord, not man. <P>Praying for you and loving you from here!

AW,<BR>I really can't offer much advice, because as you know, I've been thru the same thing.(Over and over again). The only thing is I hadn't found MB yet and I LB'd big time, every time. <P>I don't know how you kept from screaming and yelling. I would have. But you did good staying calm. <P>You're H is in really bad shape. He may be to the point that a stay in rehab may be the only way he can really get help with his drinking. I think that's what it's going to take for my H.<P>Please be careful. Don't stay if you think you are going to be harmed. If you ever think he is going to hit you, leave for a night or two. Maybe if you left it might open his eyes a little. <P>I have been praying for you every day. And your H too. Maybe the turmoil he is going thru is God working on him. It has to get better for you.<P>Take care,my friend.<BR>Mitzi

Thank you for praying with me. SueB - thank you for encouraging me to stand on my beliefs that he has to get help. He twists things around so much and makes me cry that I feel like I'm the one being punished, not him. Please keep praying with me that God take complete control of this situation. He started back in on me this morning, but again I told him that I must talk to the prosecutor before I make a decision. My H just keeps saying that I am ruining his life and our marriage by not agreeing to what his atty. is offering. If I don't take a stand now he will never quit attacking me and things will just get worse. I feel like he is dragging me down to the gutter with him sometimes. I won't let him destroy my faith though. <P>Mitzi, thank you so much for your prayers. I pray for you too every day. How are things going for you? I pray that both of our husbands are delivered from their alcoholism and that the Lord works a miracle in them. I guess maybe I would feel better about agreeing to the atty's offer if my husband was remorseful for what he's done, but he's not. He just blames me more.<P>I thank the Lord every day for all of you that are here to encourage me through this and for Him leading me to this site. You are so special to me.

AW,<BR>I'm actually doing really well. My H still hasn't decided to come home. But I'm growing as a person. I've come to a point in my life where I've realized that he has to take the consequences of what he has done. Whenever I talk to him there are no arguments on my part. If he tries to argue with me, I ask him to call back when he is calmer so that we can talk instead of yell. It is working because he quit trying to argue.<P>He is supposed to come to the house tomorrow when the kids are at school so we can talk. They don't need to hear all that we talk about. So, I'm optimistic. We haven't been alone to talk since he left and I think it may help. I have my fingers crossed!<P>Basically the down times for me are few and far between. I feel better about me and I attribute that to my own prayers and the prayers of others. The Lord works in mysterious ways, doesn't he?<P>Prayers,<BR>Mitzi

Dear AW: My heart bleeds for you. I have not been posting lately, but I have been here reading everyday and praying for you all. I agree with the other posts. You are doing your very best. You must let go and let God do the work. It is so hard and it hurts us to see our husbands have to pay the consequence for their sins but sometimes it has to go that way before they will turn their hearts to the Lord. Please be sure to keep yourself save and listen to God's word. I wanted my marriage and husband back so much when this first started I would do anything to get him to stay. I was wrong. I had to do what God wanted and let Him get my husband to stay. Everytime I tried my hand at fixing the marriage, we took two steps backwards. I finally surrendered all to God - my marriage and especially MY life. At that point, things began to change. Have faith, AW, and keep safe. We love you! Blessings, J

NewDay,<BR>Thanks so much for your prayers. Could you tell me how you were able to surrender your marriage and your H to God? I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I love him very very much and pray for him continuously, as well as ask God to mold me into the kind of Christian He wants me to be. <P>I thought I was surrendering but since I have to make this decision, I feel like I'm being pushed into taking control. This is one thing my H does, he twists things around and forces a me into a corner where I have to make a decision that really he should be making and then he blames me for whatever happens. Last night while he yelled at me I kept praying for God to help me get through it. He's walked all over me for so long. Please keep praying for me.

Dear AW: I wish I could give you a simple answer - a solution that would work for all of us but our situations are all very different. I can tell you that I came to a very scary conclusion and that was that if I had to go on without my H, I could. I would be okay. Because God loves me and would care for me and watch over me. That was really scary for me because I could not and did not want to even think of life without my H prior to this. He was my life source. Not he is my life gift and the Lord is my life source. Does that make sense? I did not have to deal with an alcoholic so the circumstances were very different. You are in a difficult situation, but please, aw, keep your faith and trust in God. He is your life source. He will fulfill you. I wish I had the eloquent words many of you do to pray and explain what I have been through but this is a start and I hope it makes some sense. Please know I will continue to pray for you. Be still and listen for God's word. Trust Him!! Blessings, J

AW,<BR>Hmmm,must be a certain 'mold' out there. I gleaned this from the Alcoholism Discussion Area months ago and read it daily posted on my kitchen cabinet. I've been following along and do include you in the 'POPW group prayer', you are holding up pretty well! I think the S-man is in full swing this week...all those baby bldg blocks got knocked into chaos again. I used your situation in my head recently...the Shut Up and Pray approach...hang in there, the Lord sees all this 'stuff'& He's still in charge!!!<BR> 2 Tim 1:7 <P>Let Go;Let God<P>As children bring their broken toys w/ tears for us to mend<BR>I brought my broken dreams to God, because He was my friend.<BR>But then, instead of leaving Him in peace, to work alone,<BR>I hung around and tried to help, w/ ways that were my own.<BR>At last, I snatched them back and cried, "How can You be so slow?"<BR>"My child," He said, "What could I do? You never did let go."<BR>

AW,<P>Because your H is an alcoholic, who continues to drink, anything you say or do won't make a difference to him. Even if he doesn't drink too much for a day...he is still, what they call, "a dry drunk." The alcohol is still in his system...and so is the irrational & crazy behavior.<P>You won't see any change in your H until he comes to terms with his alcoholism and wants to fight it.<P>The only thing that I can advise is for you to go to Al-Anon and therapy (preferably a therapist who specializes in drug/alcohol issues).<P>I went to a therapist who specialized in drug/alcohol/marital issues and she helped me to understand what I was dealing with. <BR>You need to realize that your H's mind is so clouded and polluted with alcohol. He has an illness that only he can save himself from.<P>What you need to do is keep yourself safe. Should he attempt to do anything physically harmful to you, you need to do whatever, just to protect yourself.<P>There is a book that I recommend that you read, "Codependent No More." It will show you how you can begin to take care of yourself so that you can start feeling better again.<P>I will be praying for you.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited February 03, 2000).]

Thank you NoTrust. I will definitely check out that book. <P>I checked my email a little bit ago, and to my surprise there was a second unread daily bible verse quote for last Sunday waiting. I thought to myself, "Hmmm, I already got this email on Sunday so why is a duplicate showing up now?". I opened it, and immediately realized why. God sent it to me:<P>"Thus says the Lord: 'Keep your voice from weeping, and your eyes from tears; for your work shall be rewarded.'"<P> - Jeremiah 31:16<P>God is awesome.

AW,<P>I'm going to put a few excerpts from that book, "Codependent No More." As hard as it is, I think that, at this point, you need to detatch yourself. Here's a little of what that book says about detachment:<P>"Ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from, a person or problem in love. We mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy (and frequently painful) entanglements with another person's life and responsibilities, and from problems we cannot solve..."<P>"Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help."<P>"If people have created disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music."<P>"We give them the freedom to be responsible and grow. And we give ourselves that same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability."<P>"Detachment requires faith--in ourselves, in God, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world."<P>"We trust that Someone greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening. We understand that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can. So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it. In time, we know that all is well because we see how the strangest (and sometimes most painful) things work out for the best and for the benefit of everyone."<P>AW...Keep your faith and do not lose hope. God is watching and will take care of you and your family.

AW,<BR>It broke my heart to hear of your pain. I have no idea what you are going through but i do hear your pain and anguish. I will continue to pray for you.<BR>To let go and let God for me meant intensly praying until I felt I was out of the middle of the situation. I knew I was out of the middle when I was no longer obsessed with thoughts about the situation. At first it didn't seem like I could think about anything else. When I couldn't think of anything else I would pray or especially sing praise songs. I often walk down the street mumbling and singing softly. It helps me to keep the focus on God and off me and the situation. I also found that I really have to keep this up. It is so easy to fall into the trap. I also over the last two years have piece by piece given up control, because in truth I have no control, i just hold on to the ilusion I do. So I now know that when I feel panicky about something or my thoughts race with things I must tell my husband, I know I am trying to control. I stop and say I don't have control anyways take it from me God. It is all a process that we have to continually work at.<BR>Prayer mixed with praise is what has helped me, because it keeps the focus on God. I especially do this when I am walking because that is the time my mind is most likely to wander. AW, you are doing well. It's a process of just plugging and saying, "Take it Lord, it is yours." And if you don't think you know how to do it, then tell God that and ask Him to show you how. Have faith, God is walking right beside you and sometimes carrying you. He loves you.<P>Father,<BR>I lift up AW to you now. You know where she is and you are right beside her. We praise you for your caring and your love. Thank you Father, for wrapping AW securely in your arms. Let her rest on your mighty arms and feel your spirit rise within her. Bring her peace, joy, comfort, and free her from all anxiousness. Bring a calm spirit to her husband and take all taste for alcohol away from him. In Jesus name I pray this over AW now. Amen.

oh my dear sister - you are holding up great! it is an encouragement to hear how God is strengthening you and holding on to you. on my way home the Lord impressed on me to pray for you and Jack, i cannot remember your name, but that is your h's name right?<BR> God sees you and is definately paying attention to you--He is thinking about you!<P>Psalm 40:17 "...I am poor and needy, yet the Lord thinks upon me. You are my help and my deliverer; Do not delay, O my God"!!<P>Psalm 27:7-14<BR>(paraphrased)<BR>Hear, O Lord, when 'AW' cries with her voice! Have mercy also upon her and answer her. When You said, "Seek My face," Her heart said to You, "Your face, Lord, I will see." Do not hide Your face from 'AW'; Do not turn Your servant away in anger. You have been her help; Do not leave her or forsake her, O God of my salvation. When her husband forsakes her, Then the Lord will take care of her. Teach her Your way O Lord, and lead her in a smooth path, because of her enemies, Do not deliver her to the will of her adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against her, and such as breathe out violence. She would have lost heart, unless she had believed that she would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. <BR>Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!

neen,<P>I think you were praying for me and my husband, whose name is indeed Jack, thanks. If that was meant for AW then that's okay too. We'll just say you were praying for both of us. hw

I talked to the prosecutor late this afternoon. He was very apologetic for not telling me ahead of time what he would be offering my H as a deal to avoid trial. He did, however, tell me if my H messes up (like hits me again) or doesn't go to each of his weekly counseling sessions, there will be no excuses, he will be tried and he'll be tough on him. This man is tough, my H should be so thankful he isn't facing this man in a trial. He also told me that if we were not back together there would not have been an offer at all, H would have had to have a jury trial. <P>New Day - I'm so glad you post here. You make me feel so much better with your encouraging words. Yes, I'm doing the best I know how, I'll get through this, and most of all I know without a doubt that I would be ok on my own. The Lord has always looked after me. When my first husband left me with a little 2 yr. old daughter to take care of, He cared for me then. He took my pain away then. When my now H went to jail, and filed for divorce, I was devastated over what had happened but knew in the back of my mind that the Lord would take care of us again. And He did. I have felt really strange all evening, I don't know what it is yet. Thank you so much for praying for me. Someday I'll stop being such a basketcase.<P>Aboulia - I cut and pasted your message and saved it for me to keep handy. I love that quote! I've got to stop "snatching" my H and his problems back from God!! Somebody make me stop! Thank you for sharing this. <P>NoTrust - You're not going to believe this! After I read your post again, I remembered about 2 years ago I had started Christian Counseling because I was really going nuts over my husbands increased drinking. One of the books she gave me was "CoDependent No More". I had never started reading it then, but I definitely will now. Funny, after I remembered the book I went straight to where it was. Somebody up there must have told me it was under the couch! Praise God! <P>Hw - So glad you're here tonight! I'm still at the obsessive thoughts stage. It goes around and around in my head "what am I doing wrong to make him want to keep drinking". I am doing better on my drive home (that's one of my main prayer times) though, because I no longer am gripped with fear over what's going to happen if and when my H comes home and what condition he'll be in. When I start to fret about him I've been praying for God to calm me down, take away the pain I feel, and to convict my H to turn to Him wherever he is. Your statement "in truth I have no control, I just hold onto the illusion I do" made me stop and think again about my desire to keep my H from cheating and drinking. Someone else on the Infidelity board has posted several times "I have no control over what my H does". That thought kept going through my mind. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not responsible for what he does, and he is only hurting himself by continuing to live a life full of sin. My prayers have to change to "take all of this out of my hands Lord". After I talked to the prosecutor today I felt so odd. I wasn't upset but wasn't really comforted either. I've been feeling that I should stop being so attentive and loving to my H, and should stay away from him and not talk to him. <P>All through this ordeal I've been strangely at peace about the sentence he would get - I felt that God was in control of this. Satan attacked me through my H last night, I believe his intent was to turn me into a raving loony so my H and I would have an huge fight and split up. The hatred in my H's eyes was eerie. Tonight he came home half lit, asked me what was bothering me. I told him I didn't want to talk about it now because he'd been drinking, and changed the subject. I will take your advice though and will ask God to show me how to turn everything over to him. Thank you so much dear sister for the prayers, you are so inspiring to me. Keep reminding me "turn it over to God". I'll get it sooner or later.<P>neen - thank you so very very much for praying for us. I had to giggle though after I read your post and Hw's post - my husband's name is David. But God knew who you meant, right? I praise Him all the time for you and the others being here to support each other through these trials. You are a treasure! <P>Thank you all again for praying. I'm gonna do better I promise!<BR>

Thats the truth, We all need to let go and let God take care of it in his own time. I do know how easy it is to also grab ahold of the problem and try to work on it myself. I got some good news and some bad news today. The good is my husband has talked of building a new home with me, (but he still lives with the ow )he has even had a meeting with a builder. My husband told a friend of ours he has a plan, that he is coming home, and that he loves me. The bad is I got a letter from my Attorney today, my husband had put the divorce on hold for 30 days, well time is up he has to drop the divorce by monday or it will procede and I will have to file my answer. I pray for my husband to turn to God and let God show him the way home to restore our marriage and his relationship with God. I pray God will help the ow and show her this is best and he brings to her the one he has choosen for her, not my husband. IJN amen With the bad news today I did ask God to take care of it for me and I do have a nice peace about myself tonight. Good night all, and you are all in my prayers, May God Bless you, and he will just keep your faith in him.

2CO 4:1 Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. [2] Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. [3] And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. [4] The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. [5] For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. [6] For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"* made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.<P> 2CO 4:7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. [8] We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; [9] persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. [10] We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. [11] For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. [12] So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.<P> 2CO 4:13 It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."* With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, [14] because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. [15] All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.<P> 2CO 4:16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. [17] For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. [18] So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.<P>Chalres Stanley has a series going that really is touching my heart. Thought you guys might be encouraged as well. The above verses are higlighted in his topic "Responding to Life's Trials". The link is below, I sure appreciate RealAudio! <A HREF="http://lightsource.broadcast.com/lightsource/content/in_touch_ministries/archive.asp" TARGET=_blank>http://lightsource.broadcast.com/lightsource/content/in_touch_ministries/archive.asp</A>

If you like the above mentioned series, you would probably enjoy the book "Streams in the Desert". It is a daily devotional recommended to me by a dear friend when I began this whole ordeal and I have found it very comforting. Check it out! Blessings, J

Another word of hope to those of you whose H is on the fence of divorce or already proceeding with it. While my H was seeing the OW, she divorced her husband. I guess in hopes of keeping mine. However, my H is here and the OW has REMARRIED her H. I still pray for her, her H, and their marriage. I hope they are getting the blessings that we are from our Father. I just thought it might be encouraging to know that sometimes divorce is NOT final. Blessings, J