My H has told me that he has turned to God to meet his needs and for forgiveness. I had my doubts about his change of heart, couldn't discern any real difference, other than he was nicer and didn't appear so depressed.<P>He's continued in contact with the OW. How much I suppose I will never know. He only once has told me the truth about their contacts, unless he was "caught".<P>"I'm sorry" doesn't cut it when he is unrepentent.<P>If you guys think I'm offbase, let me know. I'm pretty angry.<P>Lor

Setting Boundaries<P>You have hedged me behind and before,<BR>And laid Your hand upon me. Ps. 139:5<P>What is the purpose of a hedge? To create a boundary, a protection, privacy. And that's the purpose of our personal boundaries, too. We all have areas of self that should not be upsurped by others.<P>Before we start the journey of recovery, we are often unwaware that we have boundaries or that they have been violated. That's why anger and resentment are often one of the first healthy signs. Anger is a signal that someone has gone too far-transgressed our boundaries- and that w know it. The next step is learnig to protect our own boundaries, to say no to those who invade our personal territory. If we hardly ever said no, our first attempts will feel awkward and even rude. Controlling, enmeshing, irresponsible people may accuse us of being selfish. Yet other will value our honesty and clarity- and we will gain a better idea of who we are.<BR>Boundaries are inherent in the character of God. The trinity, with it's clear distinctions between Father, Son and Holy Spirit, demonstrates how we can live in close relationship yet maintain our separate selves. God gave us boundaries. And God hedges us behind and before with the boundary of His never failing love.<P>Of course you are angry Lor! I don't see how you could be anything else- the boundaries fo your marriage covenant have been violated repeatedly. The seesaw that you have been on with his coming and going is very frustrating. I really think there is a fine line in regards to total honesty and integrity towards the relationship and bending over backwards and being continually misused and treated with disregard. I know there are different definitions regarding tough love, etc. but where does it come to the point of saying I love you enough not to allow you to do this to me any more. When you decide you are ready to work on this relationship, let me know. These things (actions-ergo boundaries)will let me know that you are serious about it... You would have to determine what those would be Lor, whether it is counseling, being on his own for a period of time without contact with OW, whatever...but right now, it just seems like the lovebusting on his part overrides the good few seconds between him taking off again.<BR>We can be compassionate about our hubbies feelings and difficulties without being sucked under ourselves, can't we? I don't see that God calls us to be doormats in our role as helpmeet and that doesn't display the quiet and gentle spirit that leads them to the Lord.<BR>If I have stepped on toes, please forgive me.

I can't think of a thing to add to what SueB has said. I would be furious, too. (In fact, re: emailing OW, he did and I was!)<P>You cannot let this mistreatment continue. He is unable to speak the truth because he is still lost in the lies. <P>My h. and I have slowly been emerging from that fog ourselves. I will pray for you to have wisdom as to when and where to draw the boundaries.<P>Please keep us informed.<P>hugs,<P>lizzie<BR><P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

Lor, <BR>I would be furious also. For me, it's not so much that I'd be angry, but the continued betrayal would come out as as anger towards my H. I agree with SueB and Lizzie. Looks like you and I both are at a "boundary setting" point. <P>What SueB posted "but where does it come to the point of saying I love you enough not to allow you to do this to me any more" was an eyeopener for me today. My pastor basically told me the same thing. <P>You're not offbase. Please take care and know that you are in my prayers. <P>Love to you,<BR>AW<BR>

Thanks for your prayers. I have a long, long posting in infidelity under this same heading. (I can never get things to copy from one place to another in this forum). In a nutshell, my H is saying that my platonic though caring friendship with another man is what is causing me to withdraw.<P>I'm searching my heart...and it is my H's lies, cheating and repeatedly walking out that has drained my lovebank. If he hadn't left me for the 6th & 7th times, this friendship wouldn't probably exist. He asked me one day, while I was working, why I'd been crying...<P>Am I justifying my actions? I don't think talking ocasionally to someone (like I have done) equals a sexual affair for 18 months & 7 separations. I'm not the one having the affair. His turning the tables on me doesn't feel like repentence.<P>I'm angry.<P>Lor

To the top!<P>I am bringing this to the top so we can all pray for Lor. Lots of posting by her H on the Infidelity forum(general ques.). He has gotten alot of advice, just hope he will take it!<P>Lor, be careful! I sense a real vulnerability. You have been so strong for so long and had to contend with so much. Your H really needs to face the music and make some decisions. He is riding the rail and that is so unfair. Just don't get yourself in a worse situation Lor due to your need for a shoulder to lean on. God has mighty big shoulders and He must be your husband at this point in your life. <P>Lor, lean on God alone and make Him your focus, He will give you wisdom and you will know what to do. Staying isn't always the thing that works but God must give you direction and no one else.<P>Lord, show Lor what to do. Protect her in her vulnerability and keep her in the center of your will. It has been such a long trial and in our frail nature we can only hang on so long, if you want Lor to keep stedfast Lord then You will need to be her Tower of strength. Bring this man to the end of himself, the end of his lies and the end of his waffeling. Father we ask for an end of this struggling and a beginning to true recovery. Apart from you we can do nothing Lord so we look to you alone for Lor's marriage. IJN<P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18