two yrs ago my H had an affair. words cannot describe...my world was shaken to it's core and i don't seem to be getting any better. the problem? we are still together and my H prefers the "let's pretend it never happened" approach. i can't do this. there was not remorse, no regret and certainly no compensation. i try to explain, in detail, what my emotional needs are (words of reassurance and love, gestures of affection) but get none. am i wasting my time? i feel that i have to get through this and fight for my marriage all by myself. he says he wants to work things out but is unwilling to work at it. you'd better beleive i want compensation. i feel totally alone and am at loss of what to do. counselling has been horrific. the longer he does nothing the more withdrawn i am from him- causing him to try less and less to be warm to me -how do i break this cycle? i love my h and want to be with him. i am willing to try to forgive, but he has to do some of the work to and some serious compensating. nothing i say or do will convince him that there is no time left. i am desperate and crushed and lost.

sjb -- I'm sorry I don't think I understand the whole picture.<P>How long have you and your H been in "recovery" ?? Has he made any attempts at all since you found out?? How did you find out??<P>I'm sorry, I'm being rude . . . I am sorry to find yet another new member here. I keep hoping that one day I will come to check things out and not see another new name. Well since that is obviously a pipe dream . . .I think you may find this forum to be very valuable to you. I has helped me to understand so many things since I found out about my W's affairs. I don't know if I would have made it through without the love and friendship I have been shown on this site.<P>Other than my copule of questions, I really can't offer you much advice yet, but know that you are welcome here.<P>I will add you to my prayer list.<P>God Bless<P>

i had suspected he was having an affair for a few months. when i questioned him he denied it vehemenently. i finally confronted him with the tel # of his friend and he admitted to a one night stand. the truth didn't come out for 8 days. i still cannot fathom that he could see me in so much pain and still lie to me. he moved out for a couple of months but was in touch every moment. he called his friend and called it off while i was listening. but then called her privately the next day and didin't tell me he spole to her until weeks later. all i ever asked for was honesty. it was his lying that killed me and continues to do so. so. the past two yrs we have been trying to go back to normal but as i said, he wants to pretend that it was a mistake and he's sorry and that's it. i have no knowledge of the affair and he refuses to discuss it. he even wanted to lie to the counsellor and was ticked off when she forced him into telling me the OW name. he has no comprehension of the level of devastation. none. i don;t trust him at all- not because i think he is still cheating but mostly because i know now what a capable liar he is. i am feeling and acting terribly insecure and instead of understanding that there is very good reson for this, he simply blows up and makes me feel as if i am completely irrational. i truly never thought i would be where i am today. we had so much together and i really adored him-still do - but really hate him for killing what was so precious to me.<BR>should i still pursue counselling? have any of you had great counselling experiences? the last psych told me that i needed to make myself more attractive to my husband and bend to his needs and trust him no matter what. don't my needs matter to anyone? what i am really trying to understand is the rational behind the cheating spouse being so incredibly defensive and feeling like they have 'lost' by giving the hurt spouse the things she needs? i just don't get it. <BR>soory if i sound rather jumbled, it is all so overwhelming.

SJB,<P>I'm sorry he's being such a jerk, but that's the reality you have to work from.<P>What need did his affair partner fulfil? Is that need still there?<P>He wants to bury this because it obviously upsets you. Discussing the details only seems to upset you more, he feels. He has withdrawn because any discussion only opens up a new can of worms. It's much easier for him to just withdraw...and be highly suceptible to cheating again. He was selfish enough to cheat to get his needs met before...if they still aren't being met, why should he suddenly become noble and start finding out how to meet your needs? It's completely out of character for a selfish pig like him, unfortunately.<P>This is why your counselor suggested that you make the first move. Frankly, he'd probably just rather withdraw have a more discrete affair and not get caught this time. Not exactly fertile ground for getting him to respond to your needs.<P>You're trying to get a creep to quit being one. That's a tough sell. Grit your teeth, bite your tongue, and try what the counselor suggested. He responded to the slut, make him respond to you. He treated her right after she met his need, maybe he'll do the same for you when you meet his.<P>I know, it should work the other way around, he should be remorseful and try to make it up to you. But what I hear is a guy who'd just rather not bother. More discussion only leads to more accussations and criticism and certainly not meeting his needs, so he selfishly just gives up trying.<BR>Break the deadlock. Don't let her win. Good luck.<P>

SJB,<P>You're suffering as the innocent partner. You are trying to make your marriage work. You are doing all the right things. Stay in this forum for people to encourage you and for you to have a safe place to vent your frustration. There's a lot of love and experienced people here and some success stories. Find the strength from these people to do what your counselor said even though you certainly don't feel like he's worthy of it: you are worth it, and that's the purpose in meeting his need...to ultimately get him to start meeting your needs.<BR>

sjb -- When my W and I first got back together again, we had several conversations about what had happened. I told her then that I wanted and needed to know the truth. That if there was anything else I should know to tell me now. She said nothing.<P>When I found out about the Emotional/internet affairs, We again had a similar conversation where I more vehemently said that I needed the truth. Still, she said nothing. Then I found out about the physical affair.<P>It has now been almost 6 months since that time, and I am just now beginning to get the whole truth.<P>I know it is hard sjb, just hang in there, and keep posting here. We will help you if we can.<P>God Bless

HI, have you considered counseling with steve harley? Will your h read the mb principles? That would be a good start. Since it has been 2 yrs and the healing is slow, I think the two of you would benefit by reading and counseling via this website. His needs/Her needs is a great book, as well as Surviving an Affair. I read a book by Vaughan-Vaughan (at their webiste) that I really did not fully appreciate. BUt I think that in your situation it might be good.<BR>One book that helped me quite a bit was Torn Asunder by Carder. <BR>Seems to me that working on the marriage will bring the affair into persepctive which is what you need to feel healed and complete again?

thank you everyone for all your great words of wisdom. Obviously i am among an insightful group of people even tho' it has to be on such a distressing topic....<BR>i will definitely give what you have said some serious thought and keep in touch here.<BR>i know i have some tough roads ahead. but i have this wonderful little boy who is 4 yrs old who loves his daddy so very much and it just kills me to think that my selfish H has been willing to risk it all. <BR>thanks again