Guess you can tell from more frequent posts that I am back in the swing of things again. Was feeling so overwhelmed by the inability to help my husband see what he was doing to our marriage by his verbal abuse and unrealistic demands under the guise of "his needs". My anger was out of line but then I found those two thoughts for the day that I wrote on Lor's and Alcoholic Wife's latest posts and I realized that my time here is so very limited. As Charles Stanley said, what is 20 years in light of eternity? Kind of put things in perspective for me. Not that I am going to be a doormat and allow this abuse to happen or to continue. I am a child of the King and this is not the treatment due to royalty, though we can identify with Jesus in the mistreatment He received, He has already paid the price, so I don't have to. (That was one of the battles going on in my head about not suffering to the point of shedding blood)<BR>The following verse in Nehemiah kind of kicked me in the pants about fighting for our familes and marriage and Paul's words that our weapons are not their weapons just greater instilled to me the power of prayer as a weapon for the spiritual warfare that we are in. <P>NE:414 After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, "Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes."<P>The new stats are out and Christian divorces are now higher than non-christian divorces.<BR>I just had to figure out how to balance the codependency thing, for I don't quite agree with Harley's viewpoint. I wanted to understand it from a christian perspective, for to meet "needs" can be misconstrued into that demanding, control role, especially when one spouse does not believe in the POJA and in a very self-centered mode, not accepting any responsibility for the relationship and expecting me to give up everything including myself to "make" him happy. While I could see that possible perspective in the "dying to self" verses, I could not balance it from Phillians 2 perspective of " I consider you when considering me" a paraphrase from "Not only look to your own interests, but consider others more important than yourself." I have that responsibility to look out for myself too, not shove it under the rug. I have the responsibility to grow in Him and to be what He would have me be, to develop that relationship with Him, to deepen my faith, to be sensitive to the Spirit, to see where God is working and join Him in His work (not take it over) to develop that quiet and gentle spirit that comes from leaning on Him and His understanding, (not my own) The boundaries issue that I wrote to Lor about was my own realization that my boundaries were being violated. The detachment information that Codependent No more and other codependency books talk about seemed to leave a void (or else my blinders have been on) about how to lovingly state limits and still be respectful and honoring to my husband. My gut response like most of yours at times has been to grab for the 2 x 4. James 3:6 says "[6] The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." and in verse 10-"Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be." I am so convicted about this! I want to know how to affirm my husband and yet set my personal boundaries so that I am not a doormat, but that fine piece of china, worthy of cherishing. If I set no boundaries, the I give my husband permission to abuse me, to treat me with disregard, etc....yes, yes, yes, he is also accountable to God, but I am focusing on my responsibilities here and not his. Am I honoring my husband by allowing this to continue, I think not. Is this love? Not according to 1 Cor. 13.<P>AW, you do a great job of discerning what our prayer requests are out of our written gibberish. Help me to clarify what mine are please.<P>I am thankful for the insight He is giving me, I feel more encouraged and stronger for the battle. The weekends are our toughest times together. Usually by this time of day, I am just dreading him coming home, but I feel a peace today. I know how he acts when he doesn't get his way, I know how he screams and yells and attacks and yet, the breastplate of righteousness is firmly in place and the rest of the armor is nearby. I realize that the word of truth is that double-edged sword and his yelling is Satan's attack to turn away the truth, cutting to the heart of the problem.<P>If you get a chance, read "pursuit of holines" by jerry Bridges. it is awesome.<BR>Love you all!

I for one am very glad you're back in the swing of things. Your insightful posts have helped me a lot! <P>I understand fully about trying to figure out how to draw the line between meeting my husbands needs as a submissive wife and being a doormat. I, too, have had my share of being yelled at, things thrown at me, etc. because I didn't do the laundry right, dinner wasn't ready on the table the minute he walked in the door (kind of hard to do when you have no idea when he's going to stumble his way home), etc. But, since I've been reading POPW and following the daily prayers, he has been much easier to live with. And I've changed. I'm much much less resentful of the disrespectful and downright abusive language and treatment. I'm trying to respond with kindness and love. He usually calms his attitude if I do. <P>I have a copy of one of Terri Main's daily inspirations on my nightstand that I re-read a lot. I have highlighted the following paragraph:<P> "God's word says that a "soft answer" is what turns away wrath. If you respond to anger with anger, then you have set the stage for an explosion which has the potential for destroying both of you. If however, you lowre the volume and respond to hate with love, anger with calmness, you have a chance of defusing the bomb and saving both of you from devastation." The verse that goes along with this is Ephesians 6.12 - "for we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world against spiritual wickedness in high places." Very powerful stuff.<P>One of the things that God has spoken to my heart about is the disrespectful way I was treating my husband before we separated. I was so fed up with his drinking and never being home that I bad-mouthed him to anyone and everyone. When my H moved home that was the first thing that God addressed with me. Its been a struggle to not talk negatively about him when my friends talk to me about him. I've had to make a conscious effort to just say "things are much better, we are fine, thanks" and leave it at that. <P>I also long for the day that I am treated like that fine piece of china, worth of cherishing. It has dawned on me that I am going to have to treat him like my cherished china first. God is working in his life, I have faith that one day my H is going to be the good-hearted, loving, sober man he used to be. <P>So here's my prayer for you SueB: Dear Lord, SueB needs your guidance and peace today in discerning between being a doormat and setting her personal boundaries. Please speak to her heart, Lord, and give the answer to her. Bless her for her continued unwavering faith in you Lord. And Lord, please soften her husband's heart, let him see the negative behavior he exhibits is against your will. Give her husband a profound love for her, as your word commands a husband to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Thank you Lord for all you have done, in Jesus Name I pray, AMEN. <BR>

the doormat issue is a biggie for me, because i come from a long line of doormats. Women who relied on thier husbands for their sense of worth and respect, who looked to their husbands for satisfaction of all thier needs. this does open us up to "abuse" in all forms--overt and covert. but God has been teaching me/showing me stuff in His Word on how He can fill me and satisy me in a way that my husband never could, no human could.<BR>the word study i did was on the word establish-to found, make stable settle, order, ordain permanently<P>there are so many promises that the Lord can establish us-rebuild us-the right way-HIS way.<P>Psalm 119:38 "Establish Your Word to your servant, who is devoted to fearing you. Turn away my reproach which i dread, for your judgements are good. Behole i long for your precepts! Revive me in your righteousness"<P>1 Peter 5 "after i have suffered a little while He will perfect, ESTABLISH, strengthen, and settle me!!!"<P>Oh Lord, build us up--we look to you as the author and finisher of our faith--establish us and fill us.

SueB,<P>Because my H doesn't make demands on me I often feel I cannot relate to women who suffer under the hands of a demanding H. I see the hurtful abusive ways that men often demand that their needs be met by their wives. I have never had to experience this kind of suffering. I have found it very easy to submit to the simple demands my H has made of me. So, the doormat issue has basically been nil for me.<P>Neen mentioned in her post that abuse can be overt or covert, that got me to thinking. I am now experiencing the abuse that a passive-aggressive H can inflict. I had been living in a fantasyland based on his minimal demands when all along he was exposing me to emotional abuse through the constant lies and cover-up of his affair. I thought all along my H was this perfect man. Well he wasn't! I bring this all up to compare our situations. I know that facing daily the demand of a selfish person is brutal, but brutality is not always "in your face". My H's covert abuse has left me with a nightmare I struggle to get over as well as a physically transmitted ailment. Guess I have been a doormat all along and didn't even know it.<P>Forgive me SueB if I have in anyway been insensitive to your situation or sounded prideful. I know God has taken away all of our rights when we enter into covenant with Him. We are now hid in Christ and He is our Lord. He alone is trustworthy to watch over our needs and deliver us.<P>Lord, we will be a doormat for You alone. We will trust you to watch out for us and we surrender to You all of our rights. Keep us safe Father and don't allow our attitude of submission to be taken for granted or abused.<BR>In Jesus Name Amen<P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18