My H says he has found God. My spirit/gut/instinct says he is trying to do the right thing, but he's doing it in his own strength and doesn't really understand God's power. I've always been stronger spiritually, though he has been more religious at times.<P>I feel like I can no longer bear this marriage and I'm not making very good decisions in order to make it end.<P>I seem to be an entirely different person than the one who helped start this forum...perhaps that was God's role for me...<P>I'm so exhausted.

Lor, honey, please rest in the Lord and give yourself a break! You don't have to actively Plan A or B all the time, you know...just do nothing for a while. Be courteous and don't start fights, but other than that just chill.<P>If he asks what's wrong, tell him what you just told us...you are emotionally exhausted. If he can't pick up the ball, then maybe you are right about ending the torment...but you have done MORE than anyone should have to in an effort to save this marriage.<P>I don't think God blames you for how you feel at all, remember Jesus understands EVERY emotion and was tested in EVERY way.<P>love and hugs, <P>lizzie\pearl<P><BR>Lord Jesus, please hold Lor in the palm of your hand and carry her through this darkness without a scar.<P>Amen<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

Lor, your tank is empty. I believe you need some time to just rest and not deal with anything. You have shown such strength and tenacity -- he should be willing to give you the time and rest you need. I have wondered how you and your girls have been able to cope. Just continue to leave it in the Lord's hands. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care of YOURSELF.

Lor,<BR>Could it maybe be that all the time you spent actively fighting for your marriage made you feel like you were at least "doing" something, even when it was getting you nowhere?<P>Now you are taken the passive (in terms of fighting for) role, maybe it feels really weird...especially since you are seeing the results (jury still out) you hoped for when you were trying.<P>Maybe the sourse of your uneasiness is learning to adjust to your new role in the marriage more than wanting to end it right now. Maybe?<P>Any decision you made would be understood and supported.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

lor,<BR> reading your post, I see that you too are trying to make decisions in the flesh... lay it at the cross, and walk away!!! you keep going back and picking it up.... <P>be still and know that I am God !!<BR>Psalms 46:10

I thank God for the wise women dwelling on this board. Liz, Janie, FHL, Chrissie may God bless you all with the desires of your heart according to His will.<P>Okay, this is very long and may be muddled, but I am trusting you all with my current condition, be gentle?<P>I have felt that my marriage is over since Jan 7, the 7th time my H moved out. I've been trying to wait to see if love and trust would once again grow within me. Nothing. Especially once he wrote that email to the OW and I caught him and he lied.<P>I've been yearning for peace and time to listen, so I can be sure of God's will, yet Guard has been bombarding me with attention/Plan A until I'm about crazy AND exhausted. In Guard's defense, he says I send him mixed messages. No doubt I do. This is the man I have fought for 2 years, he's the father of my children, I've known him for 19 years, been married nearly 17...and he has hurt me to a horrible extent. I honestly feel that I drip blood and leave bloody footprints in the spiritual realm. In the heat of battle I only fleetingly felt the sting of the wounds, now it's like I'm in triage and I'd do anything to make the pain stop. I've got a long recovery ahead...I will heal, with God's help. <P>But, as it pertains to my husband, this is what I believe: God needs to work with Guard without my interference. God wants Guard to be a strong, faithful, believing Christian man and to draw this directly from God, not through me anymore. (Does this make sense to anyone?) I've got to get out of God's way. Yesterday Guard & I were talking about the budget and setting up 2 households--he's been living very simply in military housing--and when we got to church contributions, Guard said, "we'll just have to wait on that to see what we have left". It cleared my vision a bit. Yes, I know his attitude is in part ignorance, but this man was treasurer for our church for 2 years...he KNOWS how giving is supposed to work. I think Guard has faith, but it is shallow and he needs other Godly men to teach and bolster him. He is seeking that.<P>Ironically, now that Guard is convinced that the marriage could be wonderful if only I'd let him move home (NO!!!!)...his job, which he hasn't been too pleased with, has become much worse and the blame for his dissatisfaction with his life has shifted from me to the job.<P>I'm on the verge of going in to see a lawyer. She's a Christian barracuda. In part this is to see what I can do to ensure a separation. I know a real separation (Plan B/tough love) is scary for Guard because of my relationship with this other man. I've set firm physical boundaries with this man...but I know I'm still not exactly in the right and verbally...I haven't been nearly so firm. Even if I didn't know that God views sin, not as an act, but as SIN--the same whether it is thought, word, or deed--reading on this board every day tells me that I'm playing with fire, letting someone else meet my needs. My lovebank seems to be not only empty, but missing, I feel heartless (not in a mean way, just empty). The guy told me yesterday that, although we rarely see each other, we probably shouldn't be in each other's presence until my marriage is resolved. I know I should have been the one to make & state that decision...but God has a solid hand on this man as well.<P>I tell you, that when you let confusion in...all hell breaks loose.<P>God allows divorce for the hardness of our hearts...I didn't expect my heart to become hardened. I have a lot of forgiveness and sin of my own to work out, and I don't believe at this point my marriage will ever work without huge God-induced changes in my H, but my anger with God is dissipating (I know God didn't cause this, our idiot decisions/free will did.) I have to make sure that if I pursue divorce it is because God has indeed released me, not because I want to run amok with sin, vengeance, and "doing right in my own eyes".<P>Whew . It feels good to get that all out. Is it any wonder I feel exhausted carrying this all around?<BR>

I know the confusion doesn't come from God, and I know the confusion won't last. <P>You are using wisdom, Lor. You are giving this time. You have the gifts of discernment, and I know you will know what to do "when", and I know that the best thing for you to do is what you are doing.<P>I know that the Lord has heard all our prayers, and I agree, you need to "get out of the way" so God can work on Guard. I think your friend is wise in stopping contact with you, at this point. I know you are wise enough to adhere to this, until you have a release from God to end the marriage, or until Guard has allowed God to change him.<P>I think a legal separation may help you. It certainly won't hurt you, and I think you will feel more comfortable and protected. <P>I know I came down hard on you - sometimes I do that. That doesn't mean that I don't care. I care so much! I know that the Lord is busy at work in your life, and your struggling is not in vain. The Lord is there, holding you, just like the footprints in the sand. Let him carry you. <P>God Bless You, and say a prayer for me too, okay? <BR>Love,<BR>Connie

Lor,<BR>found this on the prayer forum. <BR>here it is:<P>Some time ago, a few ladies met in a certain city to read the <BR>scriptures and make them the subject of conversation. While <BR>reading the third chapter of Malachi they came upon a <BR>remarkable expression in the third verse. "And He shall sit <BR>as a refiner and purifier of silver."<P>One lady's opinion was that it was intended to convey the view of <BR>the sanctifying influence of the grace of Christ. Then she proposed <BR>to visit a silversmith and report to them what he said on the <BR>subject. She went accordingly and without telling the smith of her <BR>errand, begged to know about the process of refining silver, which <BR>he fully described to her.<P>"But Sir" she said, "while the work of refining is going on, do <BR>you stand or do you sit?" The silversmith replied, "I must sit with <BR>my eye steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for <BR>refining be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be <BR>injured."<P>The lady at once saw the beauty, and comfort too, of the expression, <BR>"He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." Christ sees it <BR>needful to put His children into a furnace. His eye is steadily intent <BR>on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in <BR>the best manner for them. Their trials do not come at random for <BR>"the very hairs of your head are all numbered."<P>As the lady was leaving the shop, the silversmith called her back, and<BR>said he had forgotten to mention that he only knows when the process of<BR>purifying is complete when he sees his own image reflected in the<BR>silver.<P><BR>

Lor,<BR>It is your decision if you want to end your marriage. <P>However, I just got to comment on the irony that Guard's Plan Aing is making you crazy. Not all that long ago it was you that was Plan Aing and Guard that would shut down when YOU tried to fix the relationship.<P>You two have switched roles. It is really quite unbelievable, who would have thought?<BR>You are dancing the same dance basically, but you have changed leads.<P>No wonder you are exhausted.<P>I really don't have any advise. You are probably right about your H using his own will instead of God's...but maybe that's his first step toward growing back into his faith?<P>He is accountable for his own life and his own faith, regardless of his marriage.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi, Im new to the forum, and i dont know your stories all that well, but i always have an opinion : ) and my own personal experiences have taught me a thing or two as well.... <BR>First id like to say that my Lord, forgives.. I was also married once before, and i didnt marry the man that God wanted me to. When my ex and i seperated, i knew it was for the best, and through my personal relationship with God I know He forgave me for my mistakes, as He always will. I am a stronger christian today because of my faithfulness. You may have married the wrong man as well.. If you truely have put this situation in His hands the all will work out according to His plan for you. <BR>I dont think seperation is going to solve anything, for you , for him, for your marriage. <BR>If you both are working towards the same goals, you should do them together. The Lord will be with you. Maybe His plans for both of you are in diferent directions? you cannot force the issue one way or the other. Let the Lord make your decisions, not you. Do not fight about it. When you open your mouth to speak, let the Holy Spirit be in charge of your words. You are trying to hard, and nothing that we could possible do in the flesh would ever please God as much as our faith will. Lay it at the cross and leave it there... that is so hard for us to do..... i am guilty myself..almost daily ! <BR>My situation here isnt so grand, but I have stopped thinking it was all my fault, and there was something i could do to change it... I cant, you cant. Sit quietly before the Lord and you will hear the still small voice, maybe not when you but be patient. He wants you to trust in Him, and then He will give you all the desires of your heart according to His will. I promise you that!!!<BR>I would love to learn more... I am always here if youd ever like to talk... <BR>God be with you always.... <BR>love<BR>Chris

The others have made some great points. What FHL said seemed to echo my thoughts that he might be making steps back towards the Lord now. Time will tell. You've been so strong during all of this. I'm praying for you Lor. Its a hard decision to make.<P>I LOVED the story TNT posted about the silversmith. I read it at work and it made me cry. Good thing my boss wasn't near or he would have thought I was having a breakdown or something. Thank you for posting that TNT, it brought tears of happiness to me. <P>I was married before as well, to my daughter's father. We were kids (18) when we got married. Big mistake there! At the time of our divorce (he had been having an affair for a year and left me for the OW) I wanted so badly to work things out, but he flatly refused. I was very concerned about getting divorced. My pastor at that time reminded me of the verse 1 Cor 7:15 "but if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases". My XH was not a believer and wanted no part of any sort of reconciliation, so I agreed to divorce. <P>Pray about it Lor, God will show you what He wants you to do. We're all here for you and will pray with you.<P>

TNT--I read Guard's response to your post over in General. If his wife was anyone but me, I would think she's pretty hard-hearted not to give him another chance. But I was looking at some of his email to me, back to July, he said the same things to me then that he's saying now...ie he'll always love me, take care of me, want me for his wife. The echo response I have is real. I've heard his words before. But there aren't any other words to express what he is saying.<P>I have to do what your silver story says and take my eyes and ears off (ooh, bad visual image ) of Guard and focus on God.<P>FHL--ah, the dance. I guess I hadn't looked at it as switching leads, I feel like I'm trying to get out of the dance building. I truly am afraid (I know: GOD, "Fear NOT.") that if I once again begin to return to Guard, he'll turn back around and I'll have to kill him...er, take the MB 2 X 4 to him?<P>Hi Chrissie, I know it is optimal to work on the marriage in the same household. Our separations are chronic, this is our 7th. He's not getting back into the house until I believe he has changed, which will take a great deal of time since he usually has promised to "never leave again" when he has come home. It's too hard on our daughters, 11 & 14 to have him continue to do this. It is not an example I want them to see any more of. The 14 year old, a very black & white, moral child/young woman, also knows he had an affair. But has been hurt more by his continual leaving because that meant broken promises to her.<P>AW--I have looked at that verse as well. I have let him leave. But he is not an unbeliever...according to what he is saying now.<P>Okay, just laying it all at the foot of the cross. Not going to continue to clutch this mess to my chest and think that I can do God's work better than He can.<P>God's blessings to you all.<P>