Its Testimony time Ladies... I'll start.<P>At 27 as a single mom, I had just left a bartending job, I was pregnant with my 3rd child and the father had decided that he wasn't interested in sticking through this situation, I was left to make the choice to keep the baby and try and raise all these precious ones alone....<P>I had had two bad abusive, addicted H's in marraiges and 2 crummy live in relationships which ended in my being alone expecting my two boys... hmmmm God had to get my attention some how...<P>Life was really ugly and I had tryed Everything, Drugs, Alcohol, Men, even my friends Budism, I even tryed playing religion and going to church for a while... God finally brought me to the end of myself, and At 7 months pregnant feeling totally alone in the world with chaos and confusion reigning in my mind and my life, I remembered a simple song from a praying grandma:<P>Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so.... <P>I got down off my bed, and kneeled on the floor, told Jesus "If you really love me and your there, I give up, Ive made a terrible mess of my life, I give it all to you". I felt a peace flow over me the minuted those words left my mouth like I had never known!<P>I didn't know anything about Lord and Savior then, and I probably did things backwards, because I surrendered my life to the Lord Jesus before I even knew about the Savior Jesus....<P>But God is good, and He doesn't leave you hanging...I recieved a bible shortly after that, then a neighbor soon invited me to an adult Sunday School class for new believers.. Wow God knew just what I needed..<P>I have been down many rocky roads since then 17 years ago, both that little church that I got baptised in and I have done alot of growing... Its no rose garden, But with Jesus I know all those thorns are because he loves me enought to make life rough enough to keep me holding tight and growing in His precious love...<P>God had brought me through some of the most difficult times in my life, and He has let me travel this path 'Because he loves me'! If that sound strange, Ill explain further, but I know that Everything I go through is for my good, even when it feels bad...<P>Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so...... This simple song still brings tears to my eyes, and a softening to my heart... But verse 4 is the one that I try and remember all the time... Ill write it all in case some don't know all the verses...<P>Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so,<BR>Little ones to him belong, they are week but He is strong,<BR>Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, the bible tells me so.<P>Jesus loves me when Im bad, though it makes him very sad,<BR>Jesus loves me when Im good, when I do the things I should,<BR>Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, the bible tells me so.<P>Jesus loves me He who died, heavens gates are open wide,<BR>He will wash away my sin, let this little child come in,<BR>Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, the bible tells me so.<P>I love Jesus does he know, have I ever told Him so, <BR>Jesus wants to hear me say, that I love Him every day,<BR>I love You Jesus, I love You Jesus, I love You Jesus, because you first loved me!<P>=)<P>don't ever think that those songs your children have you singing with them won't make an impression....... <P>------------------<BR>Jesus is the only answer!<BR>His blessings, Cozy

<A HREF="http://www.paddlewheel.com/testimony.html" TARGET=_blank>www.paddlewheel.com/testimony.html</A> <p>[This message has been edited by SueB (edited March 08, 2000).]

The above url takes us to this marriage and I have to admit that I find this one the greatest challenge of all! <p>[This message has been edited by SueB (edited March 08, 2000).]

SueB.......That was a great testimony....Who's was it? come on gals.. Its time to see how you have been transformed by our Lord!<P>------------------<BR>Jesus is the only answer!<BR>His blessings, Cozy

My testimony shows how God uses the power of friends to touch our hearts and bring us into His Kingdom.<P>I didn't have much in the way of religious training. I sporadically attended Sunday School in several different churches. I was baptized in the Catholic church when I was a pre-teen after my parents were divorced. Nothing seemed to have any impact on me and I lived a rebellious teen existence. I married my h when I was 19<P>After our first daughter was born I was invited by my neighbor to a bible study. I wanted her friendship so I figured it wouldn't hurt to attend. That is when I first heard the Gospel of Christ, that He died for me and wanted to forgive me my sins and more... give me eternal life.<P>I asked to speak to the leader of the bible study after the group ended that day. He shared the message of salvation so I could see it was something I needed to do myself, God wanted to come into my life in a personal way. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that what he was saying was true and I asked Jesus into my heart that afternoon.<P>That is the miracle of my testimony and I praise God for it. I didn't have to struggle like so many others and wonder if all this was true or not, I KNEW IT WAS!<P>I have been saved for 31 years and I am still growing in His grace. God does use the turmoil in our lives to make us Christlike. He is all He claims to be, Sufficient, Our Deliverer, Our Rock, Our Shield, Our Savior, Our Shelter......the list goes on.<P>Thank you Jesus for saving me and making my life worth living. To God be the Glory!<P>Blessings, Taj

Ok, this might get long. . . . .<P>I was saved at 12 yrs. old. I grew up in a Christian family, with loving Christian parents. We were very involved with our church and church activities, however I didn't develop a close relationship with the Lord until I was married to my first husband.<P>I married my first H very young. It was rocky from the start. He was always cheating on me, even with my sister. I fell away from the Lord until my best friend invited me to her church. It was a charismatic non-denominational church, filled with the Holy Spirit. I was 22 then, with a small child, and an unfaithful husband. I was so moved by the Spirit that first Sunday in her church, and became zealous in my pursuit of the Lord. My unbelieving husband didn't like it one bit. He announced that he was not going to be married to some "holy roller" nut and left. I was totally devastated, I had worshipped the ground he walked on. Little did I know his real reason for leaving was his long-term affair with his best friend's wife. Through my faith in the the Lord I made it through the divorce. I tried unsuccessfully for over a year to reconcile with my H, but he flatly refused to have anything to do with me. The Lord impressed upon me to let him go, I plainly remember the day the pastor and I read I Cor. 7:15 "But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace." It was at that point I knew it was God's will for us to no longer be married.<P>After our divorce was final, I lived life like I was just going through the motions. I became poor, living on a very low income with a little girl to support. Many nights we were cold because I didn't have the money to buy fuel oil for the furnace, and wouldn't ask for help. I had a wood stove though and learned to chop wood. Through God's grace we made it through the first year after the divorce, and I decided to move to Texas where there was better jobs (this was in the early 80's). During a time of high unemployment and a very depressed real estate market, I sold my house right away. I was amazed at how quickly God sent the right buyers for my home. I sold most of my belongings, loaded up my car and drove 1,000 miles south to Dallas, Texas. The Lord was with me throughout this time. I was hired at a decent paying job 4 days after I got to Texas. I got an apartment and my parents brought my daughter down (she stayed with them while I got situated). Money was tight, but the Lord took care of us. We never had to go without heat again, but there was many times my daughter at the store brand macaroni & cheese every night for dinner. To this day she won't eat macaroni & cheese! <P>I had a hard time adjusting to the big city, was lonely and felt so out of place, a little country girl in the great big city of Dallas. I couldn't find a church I liked. My brother was in Dallas and we went together to the big Highland Park Methodist Church in Dallas. It was nice, but I didn't feel the Spirit moving there the way I felt it in my charismatic church back up north. I began to fall away from church again, still prayed a lot, but gradually stopped going to church. <P>Then I met my husband. He was so taken with me that he wanted to be with me constantly and lavished me with attention and affection. I ate it up. I fell in love with him, hard. Soon I wasn't attending church at all, and was spending all my spare time with him. We moved in together. He was crazy about my daughter. I thought he was terrific, and got real good at overlooking his drinking problem. We got married. He was drunk at our wedding even before the ceremony. After the wedding, his drinking went from bad to worse. Within a year we had our son, and H left me while I was pregnant to live with a bartender woman so he could drink for free. I began to doubt that God cared about us anymore, for why would He let my H treat me like this? God always has a plan. I got some of my faith back. When son was a week old H begged to come home. Things were better for a while, husband "almost" quit drinking. I hadn't returned to church yet, but still believed that God was taking care of me and my children. H fell back into heaving drinking, was using drugs, started getting abusive, having affairs. I was certain I was going to be a widow due to H's drug use. We separated when S was 18 months old. H disappeared. I filed for divorce. I went from bad to worse, fell completely away from the Lord, starting going to bars, etc. Still there was always that empty place in my heart. Our divorce was almost final, one day out of the blue H called, crying. He wanted to come home, he begged me to call of the divorce. He was accross the country. I refused him, stating I couldn't live with his drinking anymore. He called, cried and begged for 2 weeks to come home, I steadfastly refused. He stopped drinking, said he would prove to me he would never drink again, never use drugs, never go to bars, never cheat again. I relented. He came home, SOBER. The first time in many years for him. <P>Our marriage began to heal, but I couldn't give him my heart, no matter how hard he tried to be good to me. We bought a house, I went back to church with the kids. Life was good for 5 years. Then the thing I dreaded most happened. He didn't come home on Christmas Eve 1991. I was frantic, thought he had been killed in a car accident, etc. He came home after midnight stinking drunk. Christmas Day he cried and cried, promised to never drink again. He couldn't do it. It was all downhill after that.... <P>When he started drinking again, I began to pray again. Meanwhile, I became the strong one. I had the good job, etc. H became resentful, drank more. Started hanging around in bars. In 1996 he had an EA with a co-worker, also a drinker. I stayed with him, but lost all trust in him. Our marriage went farther down the tubes. We fought constantly, he became what I consider evil, never a nice word out of his mouth. The verbal abuse escalated into physical abuse. The drinking got worse and worse. <P>Fast forward to Jan. 1999. H started hating me. Everything I did was wrong, he threw his dinner at me, threw me around, kicked me, slapped me, smashed me into the walls etc. during his drunken rages. I lived in constant fear that I might set him off. He ridiculed me at every opportunity. He was almost never home. He basically just slept here. He called me every horrible name in the book all the time. I was living with a monster, didn't know what to do, went therapy, began praying for God to please make him stop hurting me. God had a plan. <P>Things progressed to a stage where I knew I had to do something drastic, my H had started giving my son alcohol (he was 13). I prayed and prayed for God to help me, show me what to do. On August 2, 1999 H came home slobbering drunk, screaming at me that he wanted a divorce. I told him to go get one, but to get out now. He attacked me physically, choking me, I thought he would kill me. I have never seen so much hatred and evilness in someone's eyes. I called the police, he was arrested and charged with assault with bodily injury. <P>In his grace, God had made sure my son was not home during any of this. We had no contact with H for over a month. I had incredible peace after H was gone, and didn't miss him like I thought I would. I prayed continually for my son, and we began praying together for the Lord to take care of his dad.<P>Our Heavenly Father was working on my husband's heart. He began to see his OW as she really was. H got visitation, started picking up son for visits. I didn't talk to him. <P>One night he brought son home, and just sat in the driveway in his pickup. He sent son in the house to tell me to come outside, he wanted to talk to me. I refused, he told son to tell me he wasn't leaving until I talked to him. Ok, I gave in. <P>With tears in his eyes, he asked me if I thought there was any way we could work our problems out. We talked for several hours, H confessed his affair, I told him I already knew, he promised to never see her again. I asked him what made him change his mind about our marriage, his only answer was "I don't know". I know though, it was God speaking to his heart, urging him to go home..... for God hates divorce. <P>After he left that night, I prayed and prayed that the Lord would take control of the situation, and if it was His will for us to be together, let my H be sincere. I begged God not to let him hurt me again. <P>A few days later H came home. We've been recovering for almost 6 months. I see signs of answered prayers, and through all of this trial, my faith in our Lord has become so very much stronger. I believe with all my heart that the Lord restored our marriage. It was God's grace and love for me that caused me to read the Power of a Praying Wife, and learn that 3 letter prayer "Change Me Lord". God has lifted the pain from my soul about my h's affair, He has shown me how to forgive, and He is showing me how to trust again. But most of all, he has shown me that I must put Him first and trust completely in Him for he will never fail me, He will always be right here beside me, through the darkest, deepest valley. Because He has a plan for me, and every day He reveals to me a little more of that plan. He has carried me through the worst trial of my life. Every day he reminds me that I must have faith in Him, for "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalms 147:3). All my hope comes from Him. He is my rock of Gibraltar, and my refuge. He will never forsake me. And one day soon, my H will be a believer.

MTAW, <BR>All I can say is I read your testimony and my eyes filled with tears. You've been through so much, but you have had Faith in the Lord at all times. What a wonderful feeling to believe in the Lord.<BR>You, your children and your husband are always in my prayers. :-)

Pookie, you are so kind. I didn't mean to make you cry. Life with my alcoholic husband has been a very rough, trying road. It's always been in the back of my mind though that the Lord placed me in my husband's life for a reason, and I believe that reason is because I have been the only Christian he is around, other than his mother. Oh, and I lose my faith a lot, like last night for example. God always picks me back up and dusts me off, telling me to get back out there and fight the enemy! <P>You and your H are in my prayers, Pookie. The Lord will restore your marriage, keep faith, and most of all pray without ceasing.<P>Love ya,<BR>MTAW<BR>

Sorry Cozy, didn't see your little note about the url I left. That is the real me, my testimony up to the first few months of my marriage. Obivously at this point, I can't write about the verbal abuse and the control issues and the bondage my husband is currently in, so I share with you all and feel blessed to have power prayer sisters to fight the battle with me. I do admit though that is because He has seen me through all these other things, that I know we will be victorious hee as well. Praise God!

Up to the top for the newbies.

to the top again.<P>Please read SueB's link. That story really is hers, and an awesome one at that.

<B>originally written by SueB:</B><BR>----------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>Walking with the Lord<BR> <P>I hadn't realized how difficult it would be to pick and choose the words for telling one's story. Raised as a child in Catholicism with a fairly rigid parish prient as the spiritual leader, I grew up believing in God, but only knew Him as harsh, judgemental God. Shame-based, I think they call it nowadays. I grew up with an undeniable sense of unworthiness, which relatively is true, but it hit deeper than just a general feeling. I just never could do anything right it seemed. Oh, I got good grades and stayed out of trouble for the most part; I was active in school events and offices, but there always seemed to be some kind of void, an emptiness that touched me so deeply, that I didn't like to go there very often. <BR>I was a doer, fixer for all, available when needed, energetic beyond description, thrived on 4 hours of sleep a night....Years went by, I married, divorced after being abandoned for another woman while pregnant with my first child, remarried nearly three years later and had another child. <P>I started a daycare and focused my energy on single parent welfare moms, since I knew what it was like to be a single mom and unsupported. I sometimes had ten children in the house and we had such fun, doing crafts and singing and playing. Children are so forgiving and accepting! But, in spite of all that, the empty hole I always felt was still there. <P>I met a lady while living in Nebraska, a gal who didn't have a whole lot, three children and a hard-working hubby, but there was something different about the gal. No matter whether the car broke down or a medical bill unexpectedly arrived, she was calm and serene. Drove me nuts! <P>I finally had to ask her how she did it and of course she told me about a loving God, who never abandons you or leaves you in times of trouble. It was so different from anything I had ever heard before and all those years of hearing about a harsh, critical wrath-seeking God conflicted with this new information I was now receiving. <P>My marriage was crumbling, I was feeling so abandoned and betrayed, emotionally drained and I wanted that peace that my friend had. So, on October 29, 1979, I asked Christ to come into my life and be my lord and savior. <P>Now it would be nice to say that my life has been just hunky dory since that time, that my marriage was healed and we all lived happily ever after, but such is not the case. When Satan loses one of us to the kingdom, he really raises a stink! The battle for the mind is so intense and new believers are so vulnerable. Old thinking patterns are hard to break, and accepting the gift of unconditional love in light of the past is often difficult. <P>Two of the children I was caring for in the daycare needed full time care so the mom could get her act together and figure out what was important in her life. The state found out and told me I had to chose between daycare and foster care, so I had to give up the daycare and got the necessary foster care license. <P>That change eventually resulted in receiving training and specializing my foster home for sexually abused, physically abused and chemically dependent children; children no one else seemed to want due to their behavior problems, etc. <P>God taught me a lot during that time. I learned that you have to be careful what you pray for or you might get it; never pray for patience or He will give you lots of opportunities to practice it! The innate mother bear tendencies that rise up when a child is in danger or hurt, the desire to protect the vulnerable was especially difficult in light of Social Services goals to reunite my sexually abused children back with their bio-parents. I had to teach the parents to be parents, to show them how to love their children in a healthy, nurturing way. It didn't always go well and there were times when parental rights were terminated. I adopted the children. <P>Now that may sound crazy, but what message would it have given the children if I hadn't adoped them? Oh, you are good enough to be in my foster home, but not for adoption? All the years of convincing them that they were wonderfully made, lovable individuals...well, you can see what I mean. <P>With seven children in the home, one becomes creative in the usual mundane things to make things run smoothly. Our house had only one bathroom. Showers by itself became tricky! Each child needed their own safe space where they could go and not be bothered by others. Friends helped me cut a hole in the roof with a chainsaw one day and the friends, children and I built two bedrooms. It did wonders in teaching them about teamwork and all were proud of our accomplishments. <P>Even though I was doing a recognizably good service for our family and Social Services, there were still times when I felt I was discounted and minimized, reduced to "just a foster parent". <P>In 1985, I signed up for college. I had applied for all the financial help, etc. and had just enough money to pay for the books and supplies necessary. <P>The weekend before the classes were to start, my clutch blew out on my car. I had to have a car to get to classes. Now some might think that it was God's will that I not go to school, a sure sign,,,but I have found that Satan likes to pull lots of stuff that gets blamed on God. <P>So, in faith, my girlfriend and I pulled the transmission out of my car. (her husband was away on a military training, my husband knew nothing about cars and wasn't willing to try) With a how-to book in hand, we changed the clutch, but not without problems of course. <P>One of the problems that occured was that the bolts that held the crossbars to keep the transmission in place broke. (Sorry men, all the technical words will fly out the window here) Easy enough we thought, use the drill and the easy out bits and then just replace the bolts....Well, we broke all of the easy out bits and there was still a piece of bolt in the drill hole. <P>To make a long story shorter, we ended up cutting two small holes in the floor of the driver's side floor and running wire through it and around the crossbeam to keep the transmission in place. We were so proud of ourselves! <P>By now, it was early morning of my first day of school. I was exhausted, had 26 cents left and no money for school books or supplies. I got up and went to school anyways, in tears and feeling so defeated. The loan would not be distributed for five weeks and I didn't know how I was going to do five weeks of school without books. <P>One very special counselor had compassion on me (you think she was there by chance? I don't) and wrote out a waiver for all of my books and supplies. I was officially enrolled in college! Fortunately, learning is easy for me and since I didn't require much sleep, I worked college and homework assignments around the children's schedules and finished a four year program in two and a half years with a 3.77 GPA. <P>In 1986, we bought property in Washington State. the goal being to complete adoptions on all the children, finish my schooling and start off in a new place where we were no longer living in glass houses and the children could have fresh starts where no one knew their backgrounds. <P>The marriage still wasn't going well, even after trying marriage counseling, since it takes both partners to participate and work things through. I didn't know what else to do or try, so focused energy on the children and the schooling. I found the letter to the other woman quite by accident one night and my whole world just fell apart. <P>Everything seemed to make sense now. To have the same thing happen twice really devastated me! The emotional battle between "what's wrong with me?" that this keeps happening and the rage I felt over another betrayal nearly did me in. I was mad at everyone, including God, that He would allow this to happen again. <P>I hardened my heart to everything, concentrated only on finishing school so I could find a job in Washington and prepared myself mentally for another divorce. I felt justified in this decision, but the anger never dissipated. <P>Graduation Day, the end of one lifetime, the beginning of another.... <P>The move was an event in itself! Between all the teenagers, their cars, household belongings for two households. etc. (my friends bought 45 acres next to our land) we had a nine vehicle caravan. Since one of the bio-parents had made life-threats against us and the children, we bought South Dakota license plates, told everyone we were moving to South Dakota, (well, we had looked at land there originally) and we left in the middle of the night. It took us three days to make the trek. <P>Fortunately, none of us were short on ingenuity. Our base camp was filled with tents. Tarps formed a temporary kitchen while another set of tarps formed a bathing room. <P>We had a generator for electricity, the washing machine and refrigerator freezer. A backhoe found water for us and we used the other generator to pump water into the washing machine, into 10 gallon containers for drinking and cooking purposes or into the large horse trough set in the bathing room for our baths. <P>Surrounded by a forest, we never lacked firewood and the deep pit built under the horse trough blazed often to heat water in the "bathtub". It was an incredible sensation to bathe in the darkness of night; the crisp, chilly air that had us shivering to get into the tub, the steam from the hot water that rose to meet the chill around us, the heavens above us filled with stars galore. It was a perfect end to a long hard day of building. <P>Building you say? Yep, we bought land, 30 wonderfully wooded acres with a creek on it, no wells, no electricity, no modern plumbing...a place where the 4 seasons show their distinct personalities. <P>We were limited by money so having someone build the house for us was out of the question. My father always said that anything you wanted to know could be found in a book somewhere and so, with books around us, the children and I built our house. <P>To say it was easy would be dishonest, to say it was without trials would be a joke....though we did laugh a bit of the time! <P>My 12 year old son was at an important age. Tall, skinny and lanky, he didn't have the strength to do some of the building things. He asked if he could do the electrical wiring. My friend's son supervised him to make sure he did it correctly and when he got the seal of approval, my son wired the entire house! (Today, he is in an apprenticeship program through the electrical union, pretty neat huh?) <P>Hand sawing everything and pounding those nails produced tendonitis in my elbow that I still am bothered by today, but it did far more than that emotionally. It helped with the anger. Each board that was hammered, each wall that was stood up released a little more and when the basic house was finished, I wasn't mad anymore. It felt so freeing. <P>I still didn't have a job. Though I went to interviews often, I always was number two when it came to decision-making time. In the local paper, there was an ad for a Social Worker for a Home Health Agency working for the geriatric population. Most of my skills were with children and adolescents, though, as a child, I made the rounds to all of my old neighbors on a near daily basis just to check on them and to listen to the wonderful stories they had to tell. I didn't think that necessarily qualified me for the position. I went to more interviews, I prayed, I came in second, time after time. <P>After three weeks of interviews and no job and seeing how the money was dwindling and the creditors were starting to complain, I finally took that newspaper ad and my resume and marched into the Home Health Office. I figured the worst thing they could say was no. I shook hands with the director as I introduced myself and told her that I had ignored the ad for three weeks and kept missing out on the other interviews, so figured this job was supposed to mine. She hired me! <P>Again, this would be a nice place to say that we lived happily ever after, but again, christians are not guaranteed happily ever after in this world. <P>Adjustments were easy for some of the children and hard on the others. Going from one of the top schools in the nation to a school with a total k-12 enrollment of 1200 was especially difficult for the oldest daughter, who had been a cheerleader and in the marching band that had won awards and had participated in some of the bowl games. This was a child who had worked for and bought label designer clothes, not that designer clothes are any big deal per se, but to just show one of the areas where she struggled was. <P>To now come to a school where holey blue jeans and a t-shirt was the "in thing", her ability to adjust to fit in was pretty compromised. It wasn't cool to be in the band here, so she refused to continue, even though she had been playing an instrument since she was in the fifth grade. She had taken ballet since she was six years old, now there was no dance studio available. Small things we hadn't thought about in the process of moving to a smaller community, and she suffered greatly! To be a basically shy person to begin with, to lose her friends was much harder on her than I had ever imagined. <P>The first year was quite a struggle for all of us. One daughter went back to her dad and other relatives at Christmas time. The agency where I worked had a history of only keeping Social Workers for about two months before they went elsewhere, so the nurses were hesitant to give me a chance or referrals. They didn't want to rely on someone and then have the rug pulled out from under them when I moved on... <P>The winter wasn't as bad as they had been in Nebraska, but since the house wasn't fully closed in, it did get pretty cold at times. The house was heated by a wood stove and even though heat was supposed to rise, those rooms upstairs sure didn't seem very warm. Money was tight; I finally sold the house in Nebraska at less than market value to keep from losing it in a foreclosure. <P>Spring was a welcome sight and we all were pretty much tired of being housebound. It took me six months before I convinced the nurses that I wasn't going to quit on them and I finally started getting busy. <P>One of the first things I became increasingly aware of as I worked with terminal patients was the stark reality of our own individual mortality. It was a real soul-searching time for me, a time to discover within myself if I really believed what I said I believed. It was a time of reconnection with the Lord in a whole different way. <P>The Fall of '89 seemed to be another pivotal point in our journey. Another daughter had gone back to live with her dad because my rules were too strict and she knew she could manipulate her "daddy". The older daughter had spent the Summer with her grandmother working in her grandmother's cottage business. The boys and I had driven down to California and back through the touristy routes, seeing the sights in Oregon, etc. My daughter had been asking about her biological father, so I had written to the last known address I had, telling him that his daughter wanted to know who her father was. He had last seen her when she was 20 months old. <P>He showed up on Labor Day weekend, still as handsome as I had remembered when he had walked out of our lives so many years before. He had had a difficult past had been married many times and in jail; he still struggled with alcoholism, though at the moment, he was dry. We talked for hours about the things that each of us had experienced since he had walked out so many years before. <P>He was a carpenter by trade and decided to stay and help out a bit on the place, which would give him some time to get to know his daughter, though neither one knew what to say to the other. I came to realize that I had never stopped loving him. Hindsight is always 20/20 and as I think back, I am amazed at how the signs were all there, but ignored. Love does that I guess, scripture says that love covers a multitude of sins. <P>My older boy adored him; here was a male person who didn't think he was incompetent, who was willing to teach him about engines and building, etc., who listened to his boyish dreams and played with him and encouraged him. We were married in February of 1990. <P>He did a lot of carpentry work around the place, added dormers to the bedrooms upstairs, so the children had more space in their rooms. We decided to have farm animals, and he and the boys built fences and barns and bought us two goats and some chickens. <P>The time he spent there was productive, he cut firewood and he and the boys had contests when it came time to split the wood. There must have been 16 cords of wood stacked by the end of 1990 and the house was slowly looking more and more like a home. <P>Even though he was doing all this work for the family, he began to feel like he wasn't contributing to the family and he finally went out and got a job. And like so many years ago, when he was around other men, something happened to him and he went back to drinking, staying out late, or not coming home at all. It was a repeat of so many years ago, though all of my training over the years helped me to cope with it much better than before. <P>Summer of 1991 was an interesting one. I was working with a terminal patient and his family on death/dying issues for the man had brain cancer. It was particularly difficult because he was a young man, just 50 years old and both he and his wife felt gypped by the fate they were being handed. He died the first part of September, both ready for his death. <P>The family was able to hold his hand as he died and sing him the songs he loved and they could feel the immense love that they felt for each other. It made me realize how special relationships were and my love for my husband just increased and I cherished each day that he came home. <P>There are parts that are being skipped over because this would be so many pages longer. A brief scenario though was that he had been arrested once again for a DWI and was going through a diversion program for alcoholism. He did stop drinking for a period and then started again. He always kept a blank check in his wallet in case he failed any of the many blood tests they required which would result in his being thrown back in jail again. I can say he did try, but the demon always attacked him and he was weak. <P>A strange thing happened that month. The telephone bill arrived with a letter that they had been overbilling me for the past three years and I had a $400 credit. My husband had a small $2000.00 life insurance policy and we had talked about increasing it and getting life insurance on me as well. We planned to do it on the 1st of October when we got paid. <P>On September 27, he came home again drunk, an angry drunk. He was especially harsh with the younger boy and I had to step in to keep him from hurting the boy. I prayed and prayed during this time, for calmness, for the right words, for wisdom, etc. etc. He ranted about a variety of things, the typical things I suppose a man is concerned about, the housekeeping, what was I doing with his money, etc. <P>My skills as a therapist helped a lot and I was able to tell him exactly where his paycheck went, for the attorney bill and his liquor bill since he bought most of his alcohol at the gas station. It was a sobering reality for him I think and the ranting stopped. He became extremely quiet. <P>I just looked at him, so defeated looking and the love I felt was so powerful. I told him about Jesus, of the sacrifice He had made for my husband, of how little He asks of us, that we just receive the gift of love He has offered for us. I prayed and prayed for the spirit to speak through me. I held onto my husband and prayed as I have never prayed for before, petitioning the Father to hold him and to let my husband feel the peace that only comes from Him. <P>The next morning, there was something different in my husband. You could see the calmness in him, the shine. There just isn't any other way to explain it. The four of us had a great day, laughing and joking, planning what we wanted to do on the property over the next five years, etc. He and the older boy were building dirt bikes and he got a lead on an engine, and so planned to pick it up before going to his AA meeting. <P>I wanted to move a couch that was downstairs upstairs to our son's room and my husband teased us about not being a piano mover. He again made a comment about the house, he made plans to go night fishing with the oldest boy after he came back from the meeting. <P>And then it was time to go. I don't know how to explain what happened next. <P>As I walked out of the house to kiss him goodbye, something cold and chilling ran through me and I knew he wasn't coming back. whether it was of the Spirit or the evil one, I do not know, but I knew if he left the house, I would never see him again. I begged him not to go. I thought of everything I could say to get him out of that car, but he just said, "Honey, tomorrow will be our day together." I kissed him and watched him out of the driveway with tears in my eyes. <P>The way I control my world when it is falling apart is to do something that I can be in control of and mostly that involved cleaning. The kids and I whipped through that house, cleaning, moving furniture, making jokes about telling dad that we were piano movers, etc. I prayed and prayed while he was gone. By 10:30 when he should have been home, the house was spotless. No dad though. The older boy and I waited and waited, no hubby. Sometimes when he went on his drinking binges, he spent the night up on our meadow and watched the stars. We each made up different excuses but my son was clearly disappointed that they weren't going to get to go night fishing. We finally went to bed at 1 AM. <P>The next morning was a sunny, lazy day. My husband was still not home and I delayed in going to church. The younger boy was riding his bike and the older one tinkering in the garage while I sat on the steps and soaked up the morning sunshine when the police officer drove in. He asked me who I was and if I knew so and so and what was my relationship with him. I answered that I was his wife. He said "ma'am, I regret having to be the one to tell you..." and that was that. He had been on his way home, in fact he wasn't that far from home, when he lost control of the car and rolled it, the car landing on top of him. <P>As always in a crisis, I become the strong one, calm and rational, pushing aside all feelings. I told the older boy, and held him a bit while he cried and then, in my foolishness and without wisdom, (probably because my own feelings were trying to well up in me) I left that child and went to my neighbors house to tell them. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Our daughter had moved out so she had to be notified. It was a Sunday and so I couldn't call the mortuary or his bosses or anything. I called his family. <P>First thing in the morning, I called his boss. I wasn't quite sure what to say and think I mumbled something about Tom not being able to come to work because he was killed this weekend. I then called the place where they towed his car after the accident. They wanted nearly $300 for towing the car and storage. I had less than $100 on me and payday wasn't for four days. The lady then informed me that it would be x number of dollars for each day left there. <P>I then called the mortuary and my friend came down with me. Just a simple cremation would cost over $1400.00 plus the box....he tried to make me feel guilty about the box, there were "welfare boxes" for $400. I became incensed at his arrogance and told him I didn't want a box at all, just cremate him. My mother-in-law wanted to see him to make sure he was really dead, I guess. The funeral man said it was against the law for anyone to see him without him being embalmed, another cost of $150. And of course there was a charge for the viewing room and he needed half down up front. I now needed another $700. <P>I didn't know what to do. I decided to call the owner of the car towing place since I had had a lot of car work done there and to appeal for a postdated check option. When the owner found out what the girl had told me, he was livid and I guess he chewed her out a lot, but told me I could most definitely write a postdated check. <P>So, one obstacle was down, but I still had to worry about the $700 for the mortuary. Just then the phone rang and Tom's bosses wanted to know if they could come over and bring me his paycheck with sick leave and vacation time on it and the information about the life insurance. I am not sure how the conversation went anymore, I just remember getting off that phone knowing that somewhere along the line, my husband had changed his policy and it wasn't a $2000 policy but $15,000! All I could do was cry and marvel at the God I had. When they arrived, the check amounted to over $1000, enough for both the car and the mortuary. <P>Tom was the kind of man that thought it was a waste of money for funerals, etc. He had often told us that he wanted us to put him on top of our mountain against a tree and to put a beer can in his hand and let the coyotes eat him and that way, he would be contributing to the eco-system. I knew he didn't want a funeral, but my mother-in-law was insisting. I finally decided to have a memorial service at the church where he went for his AA meetings. I figured that was the only place where he might have some friends, since he didn't work in our town and his job was out of town. <P>It was kind of funny in a way, but my house was so clean that it was like it was prepared for a funeral. My mother-in-law refused to come to the house, but most of the siblings came to see where Tom had spent his last two years. On the day of the memorial service, there was a family viewing time. I didn't want to look at Tom because I never wanted to remember him that way, I always wanted to remember him in life, beautiful smile, beard and all. The family all came in after we did and then it was time to go to the memorial service. My mother-in-law said she wasn't going and all of the in-laws took off in their car, leaving me standing with my children, my mother and one brother-in-law. I was so angry! <P>I guess there isn't much else to tell about that period of my life, except to say that by the time I got finished calling, comforting and checking on family members over the next 4 months, the $400 credit was gone. <P>One of my peers at work encouraged me to get back into the church and to be supported by the body. I had received a card from the pastor and not one visit, so he wasn't high on my list. She finally talked me into going to a bible study with her. <P>I knew the Lord wanted me there and I only was going begrudgingly to honor and obey him and not for any other reason and I ashamedly tell you now that I also let the group know the same thing. I was just plain mad! <P>In the Spring, my friend and I decided to participate in the 50 Spiritual Adventure. One of the homework assignments was to meet with a friend a couple of times during the 50 days and prayer together. We decided to meet once a week on Fridays at the local bakery. We invited another woman to meet with us. People may have changed over the years, but that group is still meeting today. I was part of that group for 4 years until I moved out of the state. <P>It was a place where we could be ourselves, tell what was going on in our lives, ask for prayers, give input and receive feedback from the others and to tell what God was doing in our lives that week. God is so faithful! When one of us had a situation, another one had a scripture that she had read during the week or had heard a segment on the Christian radio station that fit. It was incredible! One of our prayer partners said she wasn't very bold in her witness to our patients and so we prayed for boldness for her. The next week she told us of all these opportunities for boldness and she became stronger and bolder with each passing week. <P>We started praying for those nurses who were not believers in our office, one at a time. One particular nurse was an avid new ager, living with her boyfriend. God said to plant the seed and He would make it grow, so one night, I got the opportunity to share something with her. I don't know what God did to open her eyes, but I got a call one night, that she had just asked Christ into her life. It was so exciting! We started praying for another <BR>nurse. <P>When we needed an additional physical therapist in our office, we prayed for a Christian. When one came our way, we got very excited but he changed his mind, so we went back to praying. As it turned out, the place where he had decided to accept the job offer didn't work out and he ended up coming back and working for our agency! What a mighty God we have. <P>Both ladies were married to non-Christians and we prayed often for their salvation. The Promise Keepers had become a vital place for Christian men and I just knew that the husbands needed to go there. We prayed for that for 4 years. In that 4th year, one husband agreed to go, though he later admitted, he was a bit worried about what he had gotten himself into. Our prayer chain was ferverent that weekend for him. I got a call on Monday morning that this husband had entered the kingdom. I had a new brother! <P>I am skipping a lot through here, my daughter got pregnant and had a son. I built onto the house and tried to make my husband's plans continue. I had to give up the goats and butchered out the chickens. The older boy moved out and went to live with his girlfriend, the younger son ended up in a psychiatric hospital and residential treatment center for 18 months and then, as he neared his 18th birthday, announced he was going back to Nebraska to see his bio-mom. <P>Though many of these things were extremely painful, I could see God's hand on them. By becoming pregnant, my daughter stopped the heavy drinking she was doing, being knowledgeable about fetal alcohol syndrome from our youngest boy. The youngest boy's trek to Nebraska landed him in jail and he sat there for two months because no one bailed him out and he became involved with the jail ministry people and recomitted his life to the Lord. Even though it hurt that the older boy had left, he finished school on the honor role and when it came time for he and his girlfriend to decide to get married in 1997, he insisted that they be married in a church. I skip through these things quickly not because they were unimportant, but to show that no matter what happens in one's life, God is forever faithful. <P>The six years betwen my husband's death and my remarriage in 1996 were the most vital years of my christian life. He taught me so much about His character, His faithfulness, and His agape love. One of the most important studies I participated in during that time was "Experiencing God" by Henry Blackaby and I recommend it to everyone. In that process of renewing our minds, Mr Blackaby helped me to better understand the Lord's nature and our purpose here on earth. To finally have the lightbulb come on in my head to see how I fit into His plan, to recognize my wrong thinking in trying to fit God into my plans rather than me fit into His plans was like a breath of fresh air. Learning to hear His voice and how to discern was an incredible experience that I will carry with me forever. Towards the end of those years, when I was so much more sensitive to His leading and as I trusted Him more for everything, I became aware that I had relinquished everything to Him except for the possibility of another man in my life. I just did not want to go through the pain of another relationship going bad. I was content to be alone, I was experiencing a peace that I had not experienced previously and I wanted things to stay as they were. <P>I had started a cookie ministry at the park, going one day a week to the park with cookies and milk to meet the many youth whose parents had to work or didn't care what the child was doing. I remembered how my kids had come home from school and for the most part, I was always there when they came home. Now there is a whole generation of latchkey children, and Satan is loving it. It was great to sit there and ask the children how their day was, how school was going, what could I pray for them about and to check back with them the next week to see what changes happened. <P>At first, the children were hesitant to say anything, but as time progressed, they would come and ask me to pray about certain things or to tell me what happened in the situation they had asked me to pray about. (I even got to be the first person to see the report cards! It was great!) A group of women in our church took on praying for the children on a weekly basis. Many donated cookies or milk. It was dynamic to say the least! <P>But still, there was this area that I had not relinquished...The remarkable thing about God is that you can say anything to Him. When He says bring everything to Him, you can bet He means it and He gives us examples of that in His Word, especially in Psalm 109. Now, I am not recommending that people necessarily pray as David did, for revenge, etc, but it is truly a wonderful example of the freedom we have in being a child of the Lord. He truly does listen with a father's love when we are experiencing all emotions. <P>I knew I hadn't done such a great job with choosing husbands and yet, I wasn't so sure I wanted to leave a choosing of a husband to the Lord either. I was content to be without a man in my life. What if God decided I needed one? It was quite a time of praying, arguing, petitioning, listening, reading, etc. You know the story of the two sons where one son said yes he would do something and then didn't do it and the other son said no, I won't do it and then does it? Well, that was kind of like me, saying no at first and then doing it. Maybe not having the right heart to begin with, but desiring to be obedient and so following the leading. I share this because I think a lot of people out there have this idea that christians are these goody two shoes folks and they don't understand that like Paul, we do desire to do right, but the human nature in all of us gets in the way and we don't always do what we know we should do. <P>So, I took that leap of faith and relinquished this area to the Lord. I did put a stipulation in there though. I told him that if He felt I needed a man in my life, then I wanted a man with His heart. I wasn't concerned about looks, etc, but I wanted a godly man. I can say I felt very peaceful afterwards....well, for about one week. You know how your child says something silly or unrealistic to you and the love you feel for your child bursts inside you and you smile to yourself becasue you know how silly or unrealistic it is? Well, that is how I imagine the Lord is with me, loving me in spite of myself. <P>What happened after that first week? I met Ralph on the internet. I had a group of friends that I played hearts with, an old man from Florida, a woman from the Seattle area and one from Canada. We all exchanged email and I just enjoyed their company. Denise couldn't play one night and Ralph crashed our game. Marguerite and I had just gotten our scanners to working and we were passing out pictures to these few friends via the icq option (the internet really is a marvelous thing) <P>After a bit of playing, Ralph and I began writing to one another as well. He had made a rather negative statement about religion and I wanted to clarify what God and being a christian meant to me. God had given me lots of opportunities to share the gospel with people in the gaming zone and I thought that this was another opportunity. So I wrote him. In the second letter, the man proposed to me! Now, I was really blown away! You hear about so many bad things happening on the internet. I had always been careful, keeping unlisted phone numbers, covering all traces of who I was and where I could be found, etc. I really had to pray about how to answer this person and for the Spirit's leading in this....as I said, we wrote over 800 pages of email to each other. <P>One of the great things about writing letters is that you can say anything and not worry about reprocussions, per se. You also can look back at all of the other letters for consistency or errors. We discussed the Word, we discussed what God was doing in our lives, we discussed our hard roads and the experiences that made us who we were. He invited me out for the Thanksgiving week to meet his children, his parents and siblings. We would stay at his mother's house. I spoke with his mother on the telephone. I prayed and argued with the Lord so much during this time and the bottom line that kept coming back to me was Him asking the question "did you mean it when you relinquished this area to me?" Sigh, "yes, but...." and again "did you mean it.....?" I climbed onto an airplane. <P>His mother is wonderful, truly a gift from God. I don't know how to explain anything else other than I felt His peace and I knew this was right. It turned out that a snowstorm in Washington State postponed my return flight and we ended up getting married. I went back to Washington, put in my notice at work and began packing for the move. I arrived here on January 6th, 1997. <P>One of the best gifts I think I ever was blessed with was when our older daughter and grandson came to visit us for Christmas. While here, she asked Christ into her life! I cannot express the joy I feel and the encouragement to continue to pray for the rest of my children. (And you should see how Satan has been rebelling at that one!) She coud write a book all on her own!) God is faithful though and He already has the victory. <P>So, shouldn't this be the Cinderella ending where we all live happily ever after? Smile, God isn't finished with me yet! <P>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Anybody else like this one? Please, I am trying (pathetically, maybe) to inspire more activity on this forum. Let's get back to study time, okay?<BR>

I don't "feel" especially close to the Lord right now. But I am amazed how He can use us and reach us whether we are walking with Him as we think we should be or need to be and even despite us. I am amazed at how He goes before us and tends and mends and cares for our emotional needs. He understands our needs much better than we do ourselves. He, our Lord is such a companion as He truly does walk beside us and within us as well.<P>Whether I feel close to Him or not at different times, my life has certainly been a testimony to His faithfulness and love. And it continues... in a million small daily ways that He reaches out and goes before.<P>How much I appreciate hearing the story of others and how good it is to see more of a birdseye view or big picture. I appreciate those here who have shared their story here (and what a good idea Karenna to copy and paste in SueB's story). <P>Relationships can be exhausting and I feel like I am at this point and time exhausted. It's hard to realize that a person can't always be in a state of intimacy-even with our Father. I think I need refreshing these days and it is encouraging to hear the stories of others even as they are in the midst of them. Happy endings are nice too, but I suppose we're guaranteed that! <P>Lately I am being confronted gently with my independent spirit. After high school (so long ago now) I went to Bible college in downtown Chicago. I had grown up in a cloistered rural area pretty niave and inexperienced. I moved to the big city and college and started school. I loved the excitement of Chicago. I loved being social (not having opportunities growing up). I dated, explored, and had a lot of fun. I was academically put out of college due to my social calendar-I was 19 at the time. Although it looked bad to be put out academically, it was more necessary at that time that I gain the social skills.<P>While in Chicago I openly walked into the very worst areas. I worked daily and sometimes late hours in what is considered one of the worst housing projects in the country. God kept me safe.<P>I became unemployed during a time of high unemployment. I struggled through a year of unemployment, eventually ended in a governmental vocational training program which I finished in 1992. I always wanted to complete my degree, but was never ready until about a year ago. God had been working all along. He had spoken with me at different times giving me a word here or there about it, but I hadn't felt I'd seen the "green" light--I was actually looking for one. After being out of school for so long I was tired of waiting for that sign and told God I was moving and it would be up to Him to close the doors. I applied and filled out paperwork step by step, then there was orientation and step by step I did what there was to do until I found myself in the first night of class and then the second night up until this day. When I applied to get back into college I found out that the journey God had taken me on had not wasted anything. The year I spent in the governmental training program was to be applied to my college education for credit! The location which I had been transferred to which I had protested being sent to vieing for a different location(out of state) was one of two (out of 102) locations in the country from which I could receive accrediation. Not only had I met the required credits to enter my program, but because of God's greatness I had overshot the score. Those two years of my life were a desert experience in my life with much disruption, insecurity, and pain and yet it was not wasted time in any way shape or form. <P>He continues to be faithful and enough. Since September I have been going to school full-time and working full-time and He has gotten me through every bit of it and not only that but I am enjoying and learning when before I was a flunky. I praise Him each time I got to a class for the opportunity and each time for my grade when I receive it. It would seem He prepared all of this for me, but the truth is that while He did prepare all of this for me, He also prepared me for it! Isn't He SOOOO good?!<P>Hard to imagine those wonderful things He has for us ahead!<P><thought>I'd like to see more in the women's Bible study forum too!

>>Isn't He SOOOO good?!<<<P>HM, yes He is!!!! Praise God for all He is doing each of our lives.