Lor,<BR>Not sure I can add much, but I do understand. About a month after my husband left there was a couple of weeks when every guy looked good. I bumped into one guy and I felt sparks, I knew then how emotionally vulnerable I was. I steered clear of men real quick. So, I do understand. I am glad to hear though that you were able to talk to trusted people and work through some of the issues. <BR>Something I have realised with myself is that I too to some degree avoid intimacy. I don't know where it comes from./ It is something I desire. I'm talking about baring your soul type intimacy. So I see now that I was content to some degree to just let the marriage exist as it was, until his affair. Actually a little before that. So for 5 years I have read all there was and tried to work on the marriage. Meanwhile he never did give up the ow except for a month here and there. SO there were not very good results. Now that the marriage is broken and he has moved out (7 months now) he is starting to like me again. He had built up such a horrible picture of me. We worked on taxes and had a great heart to heart. He is still seeing the ow (she visits a week out of the month). I do not know where it will lead. So what was my point. Marriage and relationships are dances. We move forward when they move back, we move back and they move forward. I think one of the keys to making the marriage work after the affair is to come to understand the patterens and each partners role. If you can get some insight and both partners are now ready to work then I think you can begin to move around the dance floor together. It is tough. I pray you have a chance to do that with Guard.<P>Father, I lift Lor and Guard up to You. You know where they are and You know their hearts. Father put your will in their hearts. Change each of them according to Your design and purposes. I pray they will let You direct and they follow both drawing nearer to you individually and together as one. Lord, be in the middle of their marriage. Help them to see Your design as You reveal it to them one step at a time. Amen<P>Lor, I don't know the situation but if you and Guard can pry together, God will use that to draw you closer to Him and each other. I pray you find your way in Jesus!

FHL, Taj, hw, Thank you all for your gentle/thoughtful responses.<P>As for the OM & my vulnerability, he started coming into my store in July, (#5 separation from Guard, I was not wearing my wedding rings--had thrown them across the room at one point), the OM bought all sorts of things that he may or may not have wanted/needed, just to have the opportunity to talk to me. Of course I didn't know that at the time, there are other people who come into the store a couple times a week (Little ole men buying westerns, little ole ladies getting romance ). It just wasn't obvious to me for a month or more...and Guard came home in Aug and left me again in Oct.<P>I guess I'm saying attraction can be a lightning bolt, as the OM says it was for him, or it can be like it was for me, so gradual that I felt confident I could handle it. I thought I was handling it. And then I started lying to myself that it was still "just friends" when that was plainly NOT what he was saying...and it was not how I was reacting/responding to him. Guard saw it. So did my prayer partner. But I refused to see it, because it was too nice to receive positive attention after 2 years of neglect, betrayal, & pain. As my prayer partner told me yesterday, Guard was my idol for a long time, and then I moved God into His rightful position...then found myself a new idol in the OM. <P>God will take away our idols and/or crutches (thinking of alcohol, busy-ness, financial security--anything that we use in place of God). He is a jealous God and promises to meet our needs. I was just fooled into thinking the OM was from God. He spoke scripture (without knowing that he was doing it) and that was very powerful at the point where Guard had left me yet again...I was scared and wondering if I ever would love a man again. And I KNOW that the Enemy knows scripture as well as any earthly theologian. I don't think the OM is evil. He's merely a man who is tired of being alone. But he chose to throw away his marriage at 13 years because he "woke up one day and realized he didn't love her, had never loved her, the marriage was a mistake." Ugh, most of us have heard that as well. Then he moved a state away from his kids--who are the same age as mine. His 14 year old son is as resentful as my 14 year old daughter. The OM was (is?) basically the same man as Guard has been. I recognized that early on, but ignored it because the OM started to meet my unmet & crushed needs.<P>The blinders have fallen from my eyes, but I'm still in a state of trembling. I danced through the flame and I am burned, I guess it remains to be seen if I am becoming silver or if I am dross. I've been sifted like wheat... (any more metphors I've missed?) I can still feel a catch in my thinking. <P>And, yet, I continue to be unsure about Guard. I guess I had decided that I WOULD NOT BELIEVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT and might as well divorce him. I'll leave that armour for God to crack, or replace.<P>If my struggle/stupidity/waywardness is helpful, as Taj says it is, I can be glad about that. Be watchful, be wary for the enemy stalks not only as a roaring lion, but as an angel of light & mercy.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10