Lizzie, I think you're right. I've been doing Plan A for 6 months now, not expecting anything in return. My needs are not being met by H. I am meeting all of his expressed needs, as well as those he doesn't express (been trying to think ahead of what he might want/need and doing it). He had come to expect the same things from me every day: Abundant love and affection from me, coffee ready for him when he got up, clothes laid out, lunch packed, dinner waiting on the table when he got home, boots removed and footrub after dinner, backrub when he went to bed, plus "I love yous" from me to him frequently. For the past few days, I stopped everything (except the coffee - I can't survive the day without my morning coffee). Stopped talking to him. Big change. <P>He knows I am fed up. He knows I have the upper hand legal-wise. We have already been to divorce court for hearings; results wre court ordered custody to me, child support and alimony to be paid by him, and possession of our home, property, and vehicles to me. If I tell him to leave, the law will make him. Its not his home anymore. I haven't said anything about this, but I'm sure its in the back of his mind (when he's sober) somewhere because he was in attendance at court, and he's got copies of the signed orders. <P>The Lord will tell me what to do. I've been praying for Him to give me a clear answer. I may have to get tough, which my H won't like and I may end up losing him in the end, but if it gets him to face his alcoholism and do something about it, it will be worth it. He is my son's father, and I don't want to see him die a slow painful death from liver failure or something like that. <P>You all in in my prayers.....<P>Love ya,<BR>AW

Rootbeer,<P>I feel so depleted myself right now so haven't posted to your current situation. I am keeping track and praying.<P>I have a question......What did you think of phone counseling? I suggested it to my H and he said "NO" that is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! I trust Harley's method and just wondered what you thought. Of course if my H won't agree it won't do much good. Just thought I could have a response to his rejection.<P>E-mail me if it would be easier.<BR>camorine@hotmail.com <P>Taj

Taj,<BR>I just sent you an email. If it comes though as garbage, let me know and I'll send it again. Sometimes my Yahoo email doesn't come through well when I'm at work because of the firewall.<P>

Thanks Rootbeer, read you loud and clear! Back at you.......<P>Taj

Aw,<BR>I'm so sorry for all you have been through. I have had the flu and been in a deep depression for the last week or so. I have prayed and I have keep all of you in my prayers. God will take care of you don't lose your faith. Love to all

AW,<BR>I could not even get to this page last night to read the latest and post. It was God's miracle I got through once to post the opening prayer.<BR>Oh, AW know you are doing what is right for you and your husband. You are growing in Christ and letting God in to change you and show you more of himself. I am convicted that this is what all our trials are really about. Of course we have to remember we are a small part of God's equation. He sees the entire tapestry of his children.. One day we will stand beside God and marvel at the entire tapestry and be able to point to the various themes, and threads and say, "Oh, that was what that was about. It included and touched how many people! Wow!" It is hard in the midst of our trying days to remember we are only a thread of the entire pattern. Each action, comment and trial involves untold others. Our trials are touching each other, all of us on the forum. Look how God has untied us all here for His purpose. See how each of us touches, plants seeds, sows in sequence even though we don't see it all. How mighty a God is that.<BR>Aw, I hope you have such a blessed day. Trust in Him like you have been. I know you know He is there. Feel it today!!!<P>Father, touch AW with yur special hand of love today. Reach down and grab her husband and open his eyes. Remove the blinders and reveal to him Your truth according to Your will and purpose. Wake him from his stuper and teach him to live life and learn to enjoy life without the addictions finding, joy and life in You. Take special care of his wife today while he is unavailable to her. Let her find all her unmet needs met perfectly in You. In Jesus name, Amen.

AW,<P>I'm so sorry you are going through this! You have been so supportive of me through my problems! <P>I don't have any advice to offer. Just hugs and prayers!<P>TB<P>{{{{{AW}}}}}

Nothing new really to report yet. H didn't make the call yesterday, promised again today that he would call for an appt. I talked to him about 30 minutes ago, asked if he'd called yet, he said "no, but I was just going to call". <P>Lord, I pray in Jesus' name for my husband David today, lifting him up to You. Father, please place a heavy, heavy burden upon his heart, giving him no rest or peace whatsoever until he repents, starts counseling, and turns his life over to You. I pray that th Holy Spirit will intervene in his life mightily today, closing all doors that lead him down the wrong path, and forcing him through the open doors that lead him down the right path. Lord, for you have said that with you ALL things are possible. My husband is suffering from a horrible addiction, that is dragging him into the pit. Help him Father to turn his life, and his addiction, over to You. Lord, I pray that You will speak to him in a thundering voice, a voice that he can NO LONGER ignore. Trouble his relationships with his fellow drinkers, Lord. Bring his fellow drinkers to their knees in repentance. Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that you will help me love him, the way that You do. Let me see him as your precious child, the way that You do. Lord, my heart aches for him, in my heart I know it is Your will that he comes to salvation, for Your word tells us that it is your desire that none perish, and all come to know you. Thank You Lord, for caring so deeply about my husband. I praise You Father, I am so thankful to You for your love of us. Dear Heavenly Father, please be close to us today, help me be the wife and mother that You want me to be. Help me, Lord, to reflect Jesus in my eyes. Thank you Father. IJN AMEN.

Well, everything's coming to a head at my house. I have stuck to my guns on my H going to a counselor or I will pursue a divorce. I know this isn't "my" topic, but felt what has happened needed to be shared here. I never in a million years dreamed he would ever go. He has always adamantly told me NO WAY!!! But....just like AW's husband, he knew I was serious.<P> After actually begging me to "forgive him" (when I had explained it wasn't about forgiveness), and saying that I had forgiven him a thousand times, why couldn't I forgive him one more time?, I explained what I posted earlier - that someone I respected had told me it was my fault for letting him get away with it, and I was standing firm!<P>He left (he's working in another town right now) and (I couldn't believe this) came back. We talked a little longer - this is the very first time since we got married that we had a 2 way conversation and he actually had his head and/or body turned in my direction. Yes!! There was even eye contact. I stood firm, and asked him didn't he think we could try my way once - we had already tried his way soooooo many times (which was just forget it).<P>I like the scientific analogy above, but I told him this. He's a pilot, and I asked him if something was wrong with his plane would he try the same thing ten more times if it didn't work? Of course he wouldn't!!! Much less a hundred or a thousand. Well, this time he left to go back and didn't say he wouldn't go to counseling.. He called about 10 minutes later and said he would consider going. I couldn't believe that - I can't remember if I said before that he's told me he'd kill himself before going to counseling. <P>Still.....I was afraid he'd try to weasel out of it and not really go. I kept my attorney's appointment - got some very useful information too. Everytime he called, I mentioned it. Finally, yesterday he called and said he would go. He told me he'd prefer to go without me "making" him, but I told him I'd prefer he had agreed to go because it was important to me.<P>Okay - now on to what I've realized. First of all - he was apparently all bluff. When I took the steps, boy did he "behave himself". Secondly, (and this was where I truly saw God's hand in this because of the timing, etc.) I got to watch Oprah yesterday. Now, I homeschool 3 kids - one of them is handicapped, and I never get to watch TV. But my older two were out, and the younger one has a bad bug and took a nap, so, while I did some chores, I turned on the tv. Dr. Phil McGraw was on, and the topic was "EMOTIONAL ABUSE". His theory was that everyone creates their own situation. When one of the wives of the three couples (all very similar stories to mine and most of the people here apparently!) said, "I have to say, I just don't see how I set this up for myself", Dr. Phil replied, "YOU'RE STILL THERE TAKING IT, AREN'T YOU?" It was very much an affirmation that I was on the right track.<P>Of course, I do believe marriage should be forever - at least every effort possible made for that to happen, and my pastor had told me things like, "well, look and see what you might be doing to cause this anger" [I honestly see absolutely nothing], and "you got to pick the one you were going to love, now you need to love the one you picked". <P>How I wish that someone had told me 10 years ago - "YOU are being emotionally abused". It would have made such a difference in my life. I would have either stopped it - or gotten free of it before it almost broke me. I really do wonder if it's even possible to fix our marriage after all the nasty water that's flowed under that bridge - it would have been alot better if it had happened years ago. I never dreamed that if I really stood my ground he would agree to my terms - never in my wildest dreams. He's always controlled my through his grumpiness - I just never saw it. I was too busy spending my time trying to figure out ways to make him "ungrumpy"!!! <P>Anyhow, I got alot of good information from Dr. Phil's website about emotional abuse - from both perspectives. You can access it through <A HREF="http://www.Oprah.com." TARGET=_blank>www.Oprah.com.</A> (it's actually on Oprah's site - I went and checked after I posted).<P>I now know that I will be able to handle it whether we can hammer all the kinks out or decide to let it go. It was a horrible example for my boys to see - I pray they will never treat a woman they way they saw me being treated - and believe me, I'll warn her big time if I see them doing it!!!! I will give her a place to stay, help her with the kids, whatever. I love those boys too much to let them turn into jerks like I lived with. And the darnedest thing (which is listed as a characteristic of an abusive marriage) is that he was always so charming and loving when others were around. Had his arm around me at church, but wouldn't touch me affectionately at home (withholding affection is another characteristic). Well - I'm off my soapbox now, but I am a woman with a mission. To help women realize it's not their fault except for they are tolerating it!!!!!<p>[This message has been edited by CindyM (edited March 22, 2000).]

Cindy, GREAT post! <P>I just have one tiny request -- could you please use paragraphs? <P>My computer is really old and flickers and it is hard to read the screen if its all one solid paragraph.<P>Thanks.<P>liz

Wow Cindy that is great! The Lord is awesome, isn't he? I get so excited when I see prayers being answered. Praise God!!!<P>