Hi. <P>I posted the following as a reply to Garden Girl, but then I decided I wanted to hear from others on the subject. I hadn't been posting at all, just reading occasionally, but I felt that I should share what God has taught me.<BR> <BR>Something critical to our marriage recovery was my realization that if I wanted Total Honesty, I had to REWARD it, rather than freaking out every time I learned or heard something unpleasant or contrary to MY<BR>set of values. <P>This is addressed in the MB books, but I don't think most betrayeds really understand how we can set ourselves up to be lied to. <P>Think in terms of conditioned response: when we respond negatively to honest opinions and actions, we train our spouses to bend the<BR>truth. They learn that lying or pretending brings positive or neutral responses from us. <P>After my h. confessed his affair (a 14 mo. office romance which had been over for a couple of months when he told me), I wanted Total Honesty. <P>I promised him that I could handle whatever he told me and that I would always respond calmly and listen intently without judging or<BR>flipping out. His job was to answer my questions in a kind manner, let me know when I offended him, and not use honesty as a blunt weapon.<P>The key to the success of this approach, in my opinion, is that he no longer thinks of me as some needy, dependent ball and chain that he has to protect from reality like one of our children. His respect for me has skyrocketed, and love for me has returned because he perceives me as strong and alive. <P>Does this make sense? I just think that this may be a common trait among the betrayed; being unable/unwilling to cope with difficult<BR>truths.<P>love to all, lizzie<BR><P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

Hi Lizzie! So good to hear from you! <P>Your post makes sense to me. Being a betrayed person, sometimes its hard to get past your feelings of hurt and rejection. But you are right that when you expect Total Honesty, you must accept what the betrayer says when being truthful and not react negatively. We have not yet processed the events of my H's affair. He doesn't want to discuss it, and I am trying, with God's help, to remove the pain associated with it from my heart. <P>I would feel better discussing it with Dr. Harley, together first before we do alone. I have many unanswered questions about his affair. I recently asked him (in a calm manner) why he had an affair, and his answer was "I really don't know". I could tell by the look on his face and the sound of his voice, this was an honest answer from him. My response was I hugged him and told him I loved him. <P>I do think it is common that many betrayed persons have a difficult time coping with the truth, because the truth of what happened is so very, very painful. The pain is indescribable. I tend to bury my feelings and not discuss them with my H, so in a sense I have been trying to protect him from my emotions. I guess that's why I come here to let it all out!

POGP,<P>Honesty! Yes, a two edged sword! We say we want it and then we scream when we get It!<P>Guilty as charged!<P>Honesty is my #1 need on Dr. Harley's emotions questionaire. Now I wonder if I really ever understood what true honesty meant. I was a big talker.....<BR>It took alot more time then I was aware of to be able to receive the honesty I so desperately desired.<P>The counseling which my H and I have been going through has revealed some things that even honesty couldn't of revealed. You see we need to be in touch with the darker side of ourselves to be able to reveal truth. <P>Praise God! He is Truth!<P>I now know that I can count on the Lord to reveal Truth as He sees fit. It has taken a while but finally Truth is shining its heavenly light on our marriage.<P>Rootbeer, don't worry about those questions you have. God will reveal Truth as He reveals all other things. Your H probably doesn't know the "Why" of the affair, but God does and if He wants it revealed in truth and light then it will be. I have truly been experiencing this in the past few weeks.<P>Sometime what we are sure is the reason is so far from it it isn't even funny. <P>I am so glad that I worship the God of all Truth!<P>Blessings to Everyone, <BR>Taj<P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18

Honesty...... My H is an avoider...<P>I say "why is it that you shared all of my e-mails to you with OW, but you never share hers with me?" and he says, "you don't want to know"....<P>I think my imaginings in situations like that are sure to be worse than the truth... but am I sure, if H thinks his answer is going to be so painful, that I really want to know.. makes ya think... hmmmmmmmm<P>I am sure of one thing, if I don't get honest answers in one area, I won't be able to trust in others...<BR><P>------------------<BR>Jesus is the only answer!<BR>His blessings, Cozy

Good to hear from you POGP and Taj.<BR>Great insight. I agree with you. When you want honesty you have to accept when it comes. However, I know with my h. for him sometimes honesty of feelings and emotions change according to how he is feeling about himself or how dark the shadow of depression is at the time. He can say he never loved me at all during a dark time nd then apologize the next day. I've had to learn to recognize this. Of course I can delude myself and believe which ever mood I want. But I do believe the really negative stuff is his own feelings about himself rather than about me. It still hurts but God has been showing me how to turn to Him at those times, so the words don't sting as much. It is not that he says horrible things like I am a... whatever, it is usually reflective of his feelings for us, and at dark times the feelings are not positive.<BR>I think for me I know too much about the affair as it is and there are many things I wish I didn't know. It is a double edged sword. You want the details but then you have to live with those details. For a long time those details played over and over in my head, Ouch!! I finally said enough. I turn to God when they start. Praising music either listening or singing along with it helps.Slowly they fade. Thank the Lord!!!<P><BR>

Hi from POGP/lizzie.<P>my browser burped and won't let me log on as POGP anymore...stupid old computer--collects dust and drives me nuts! <P>I must be quick but I wanted to give you my new email.<P>lizpearl@go.com<P>I'd love to correspond with any of you LADIES who are interested.<P><BR>LIZZIE<BR><P>------------------<BR><P>