This is too weird!! I've been noticing the similarities between our spouses. I just saw your post in response to how does a betrayer behave:<BR>(forgive me, I haven't figured out how to quote yet) "i don't know...my H comes up with very believable excuses, for everything in his life. he claims to have a TERRIBLE memory. he LOVES to be 'the knight in shining armor'-to everyone, even animals. he makes people feel sorry for him often, usually regarding his 'poor health'. he claims to have low self-esteem."<BR>You are describing MY husband! If my H wasn't 29 I'd think he was having an affair with YOU!<P>In response to my post Betrayers - is this an affair?:<BR>"wow, i just read your profile. we are married to the same man, i think. (well, ok, mine's 50, i'm 27) i never heard of another man who could do that 'sex while sleeping' thing. weird, isn't it. Mine was in the navy his whole life, and he seems happier to be away from us, just like his other families (hmmm, no wonder i'm his 4th wife). I didn't have a car for a long time either, and when he lent it to me, it was a great excuse for him to get rides places with OW."<P>In response to my post Pathological Liar?:<BR>"hello? is that MY husband? (have you seen divorce records-bigamy is a real issue ahahhahaha)."<P>Pretty strange! My H's dad never married his mom and didn't raise him at all. He's probably around 50 yrs old now. My H was born in Massachusetts. He has a half brother by his dad who is the same age (29yrs). His half brother had their dad in and out of his life.<P>Well, I'm pretty convinced that my H has a mental problem (seriously). I am trying to get together with his therapist to talk about bipolar disorder. Not that this is the cause of our marital problems, but it sure isn't helping!<P>BTW, I didn't have a car for a long time either, and don't now. It seems to be some kind of control thing that my H does.<P>Thought you'd find this interesting! Lizbeth

>>>>>Pretty strange! My H's dad never married his mom and didn't raise him at all. He's probably around 50 yrs old now. My H was born in Massachusetts. He has a half brother by his dad who is the same age (29yrs). His half brother had their dad in and out of his life.<<<<<<<P>oh god, how weird, my H has 'evidence'(birth annoncements, pictures of children that definitely have his eyes, and applications for military ID's) of having two sons, 30 and 29, deines marrying their mom-denies they are his, but says one MIGHT be. <P>well, the only humdinger is they were born in el paso, and are most definitely of hispanic descent. other than that, twilight zone.....<P>Maybe we are soul-sisters? cool<BR>I've reached the point where i am just raising my babies the best i can...attachment parenting to an extent, and following a program to teach babies to read, and the heck with H. I love him, and if he wants to come back to me, cool. If not, HE'LL have to file for divorce, because my children have it good so far, and I won't be the one to rock their boat (I'm not working now, and will stay home with them as long a possible).<P>H's lying hurts, but if i detach from it, i just feel he is kinda pathetic, and i don't let it hurt me anymore.<P>Life is too strange, isn't it? <BR>julie<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Truly bizarre! How old are your kids? I have to tell ya', it's been a pain in the butt trying to attachment parent alone! Sucks, quite frankly. (I never truly realized how different it would be being separated) I also feel that HE'LL have to do the filing, but I wonder if I'm going to be able to survive living with him running my life financially. I want to give this a couple of years. Either we'll rebuild our marriage or the kids will be older when we divorce. I want to stay home to raise them for as long as possible, hopefully educating them myself at home. It burns me up that we live in a society that undervalues the most important job in the world: raising children! It doesn't make any sense, financially or emotionally, to take children whose parents have just divorced and put them into daycare. Oh well, that's my turn on the soapbox for today. <P><BR>"H's lying hurts, but if i detach from it, i just feel he is kinda pathetic, and i don't let it hurt anymore." <BR>This was my motto up until last fall. Because I had withdrawn from him things got much worse. I figured I was doing the only thing I could to keep our marriage from crumbling. Boy, was I in for a rude awakening!! He became worse than I could have ever imagined. Treated me with outright hostility and scorn publicly and privately. He would barely aknowledge my existance. Basically, take his normal unpredictable behavior and magnify it 100 times. He was saying rude things to me in front of our kids. Even when we didn't speak to each other, the air was so thick I could hardly breathe.<P>Oh, my H is definitely not hispanic! <BR>

sigh. men. what is with them?<BR>i gotta go get dressed, but i'll write more later...wait'll you see MY soapbox <P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

hehehe! talk more later...

oh man, i just read your post about how thin you are now...<BR>i was exclusively BF'ing my ten month old at discovery last year, and, at 5'7", i dropped down to an anorexic 144 pounds. LOL. H told me i was down to a "good fighting weight"...little did he know!<BR>some of us just can't drop those baby pounds so easy (of course, i gained 55lbs with #1, and only ten lbs so far with #2...7 1/2 months along...)<BR>

I've been meaning to ask you about that, I saw that yo're pregnant!! How old is your baby? Sounds young. It sucks being pregnant and having a spouse that doesn't know if they want to commit. My H barely aknowledged my pregnancy. It was so lonely! It's hard, too, raising my baby girl alone. No one to share the beautiful moments with. <P>I'm about 5'7" (more like 5'6.5") and I'm usually around 128 pounds. I had dropped into the teens last year because I had a really healthy (whole foods, very nutritious) diet and extended breastfeeding. I didn't look boney. I gained about 45 pounds with my 1st baby (I think it's good to gain a decent amount of weight during pregnancy). I lost a good portion after my daughter's birth, but held on to the last 5 to 10 pounds until she was a year to one and a half. With my 2nd pregnancy I have no idea how much I gained, we weren't keeping track. But I know it was more "fat" than my 1st. I ate horribly, and gained in places I hadn't gained before. My marriage was the pits and I lived by Ben & Jerry's, need I go on? I think I need to put back on maybe ten pounds to be back were I was last year.<P>I just read about your H's mom. Is that true?? Sometimes I don't know if I believe my H. But I think he's telling the truth. If it's true, maybe that's why they act so similar? Some people have said they think my H got "stuck" at age 7. And I'm totally convinced that he's bipolar. I'm hoping to get in with him to talk to his therapist. <P>Make sure that you're eating healthy food, with at least 80-100 grams of protien! If you think your diet is deficient, take those prenatals. Who cares about the # of pounds, just make sure your baby's getting the nutrition and you 've done your job. Especially since you were just breastfeeding, and MOST important if you're still breastfeeding. (OK, HAD to, I teach childbirth classes and it's been almost a year since I've had anyone to give advice to!) I'm done!<BR>

oh, i quit BF'ing the older when he was 18 mos, and i was about 2 months along--but ha, i just could not lose that last 20 pounds--or i was eating too much b/c of a rotten marriage....<BR>yes, ma'am, im taking my vitamins (i have been a complete nutrition freak most of my life, but am having a foray into drive thru heaven: H not home, no reason to cook, why get out of the car with a 2yo...).<P>so here's a little nugget on the H/abandonment thing: my H was at the therapist last night,and came to the startling realization that he needs women to control him. In fact, OW did appear to me to be a MAJOR control freak. he tells me i am (i have to ask him in what way), but that for some reason he chose ME to rebel against. oh heavens, that makes me feel special. how lucky can a girl get? he thinks maybe i was "safe" enough to fight against, and he was out for revenge for my perceived control and an imagined affair i had with his best friend.<BR>maybe i'm like his mommy? I AM awfully "maternal"...with the babies and with him.<BR>anyway, he said the therapist thought that this was good, and the marriage was salvageable (im glad, H is a very suggestible guy--i think the sleeping sex thing is a a state of hypnosis) he adores his therapist, so what the man says, goes. "save my marriage? yes SIR".<BR>anyway, just thought that was interesting.<P>PS, babies b'days are 9-11-97 and 10-9-99, and my big boy just started sleeping in a toddler bed. I try to be as gentle and loving as can be, but days and days without a break drive us both insane. I hope H comes home when baby's born, he was a big help with the first one, and you KNOW how rough that first six months is! boy, do you...<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Yes, I was the Fast Food Queen during my last pregnancy! <P>Verrrry Interrrestingggg...my H insists that I'm a control freak. Okay, I AM. I'll come clean! I was nitpicky and anal and I learned from the best (my mom) how to be passive aggressive. I'm a master (this I got from dear dad) at all types of control. But I stopped a few years ago. Well, actually, I cut WAY back. I don't know if it's possible to completely stop. When I read parenting books about control issues between parents and kids it's like reading about my marriage. But now it's my H who is trying to be so d*** controlling. I think we were in a power struggle for years, and he does everything he can to continue it. Keeps pushing the limits. But I'm tired of being his parent.<P>Figured ouit a while ago that I'm the substitute mommy. He totally wanted me to be as maternal as possible. I think he picked me to marry because I was 1) really anal, and 2)very nurturing (thanks, again, mom).<P>Good news that the therapist is willing to commit. LOL. I'm so glad you're sharing this stuff with me... my H is SO suggestible. I've been told he's a "people pleaser." That sex thing may be some kind of hypnosis!! Man, I want to ask his therapist about THAT! <BR>"The guys say I shouldn't have to help plan the wedding." "Oh? Are you marrying The Guys?" "The guys say I shouldn't have to do anything around the house." "Oh? Do you live with The Guys?" "The guys say... well, you get the idea. First it was "The Navy expects me to blah, blah, blah." Now it's Work expects me to blah, blah, blah."<P>My girls b-days are 8\14\96 and 4\6\99. Tell me about it, I just told my oldest to leave me alone and stop climbing on me. Enough! And, NO, I don't want to nurse AGAIN. If my H doesn't come back soon, I'm going to go insane. At least he spends lots of time with her. It keeps me from totally losing it. I do hope your H comes back before the baby comes. <P>Do you think your H imagined your infidelity because that's what HE does? My H has been accusing me of sleeping around, which is so ridiculous.

yunno, i used to think he was just accusing me of infidelity because of his guilt, but i am coming to realize that no, the guy who was his "friend" who was living with us (for MONTHS) really did make it look like he and i were together. My H worshiped this guy, and i was young and impressionable, and so i did too.<BR>This "friend" would spend lots of time talking to me watching tv and though i would not have done anything with him (ugly chauvinist pig, i thought he was), it sure did look like we were. He would also grill me about why i married H, and would warp things i said, and tell H, and do the same thing to H. It was VERY eighth grade...<BR>H thought i only married him for his money and to stay home and raise babies, but what i had told "friend" was that i was so glad i had found someone else to whom family was important, and who would support me in my goals of raising children. perhaps this is a fine distinction the male brain cannot make?<BR>anyway, the guy REALLY tried to break us up, and we were newleyweds, barely had known each other before marriage, and it was TERRIBLE for our marriage. <BR>also, "friend" worked with H, and my have played some part in getting H to stay with OW on many post work occasions (we only had one car, and the guy would bring it back to our house,and H would have to get a ride with her, that sort of thing).<BR>annnnnyyyywaaaayyy, i think H really did think i was having an affair with the guy.<P>but i'm sort of a betrayer, too...i'll admit. after discovery last year, H moved out for two weeks, and during that time i had an internet thing going with a guy, and plans to go meet him. but as soon as H moved home and found out about it, i ended it. I guess that always make H question what i'm capable of.<BR>there is some other weird stuff that happened. like this anonymous guy called and told H i was having his baby and that i loved him. I can't confirm that, and i know nothing about it, but it sure makes me look bad! (i think "friend" had something to do with it, as it only happened when i went to see my mom, and the calls were from that area code --H SAYS)<BR>oh well.<BR>i still have the nagging feeling this is all to jsutify what he did, but im sure he felt some real pain about it...<BR>thanks for letting me vent!<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

hey you, interesting about the internet thingy you had. I wrote in one of those posts about emotional affairs about a strange situation I found myself in recently. Even stranger, actually , is that I went on a date last fri night. My H said he wanted me to start dating (he wouldn't feel as guilty), so I said "what the heck!" I don't remember if I posted about it on here. Well, the guy was nice but I'm SOoo NOT interested in another relationship. It was purely recreational. But maybe not for the guy! He's been coming around, and I need to make it clear to him to stop.<P>Meanwhile, my H told me yesterday he wants to move back home next month. He wants to work on things!! This could change tomorrow or next week. We''ll see. I'm totally shocked! I'd better go get my crying baby. I'll catch you up later.<BR>

ooooooh, a date, you baaad girl . yep, get rid of him.<BR>funny thing, too. there was a guy i met on the puter even before i met H. He was in new york, i was in hawaii...it just couldn't happen...anyway, he was always asking for pictures of me, and telling me how much he loves me, so i blocked him from my IM. Everytime i unblock him, he's back (this is over 3 years, now!). I've been chatting with him some while H has been gone all these months, but the guilt is getting to me. It's nice to be wanted, but i would much rather have my husband back.<BR>so, i've blocked him again...<P>I know what you mean about not being sure about your H coming home. I have pretty mixed feelings about mine coming home. He told me to go look at houses where we want to move today, and i sabotaged the effort by letting the toddler get too cranky for the drive. H wants me to take on more responsibility for our lives, be more of a team player, and it eats me alive every time i "let him down" like this, but there is just something inside me that holds me back.<BR>hidden resentment, i'll bet...<BR>it's gonna take some time before your H comes home, and i hope being in limbo won't drive you crazy. at least he mentioned it, that's a start.<BR>by the way, whatever happened to the much-denied OW? seen her around lately?

I forgot to comment on what a scummy "friend" you had there. Sounds like a really disturbed guy. Too bad your H was hanging around with someone like that. I can see why he might think those things. It sounds like there was some distance between you, too, maybe. Otherwise why would he have believed something like that? Just curious...<P>This guy on the internet, he's a different guy than the one that you had plans to meet with? That's a little scary about him obsessing over you. Tonight the guy I went out on that date with stopped by again. I was ready to tell him to hit the road (the nerve of him showing up at 9:30pm!), but I sat him down for a little talk and told him I won't be seeing him again. Glad that's over! The funny thing is, my H is acting like a betrayed spouse; asking a bunch of questions like "Where'd you go?" "Did you hold hands?" LOL I answer every question. I have always been completely honest with him.<P>Have you see my post This stuff WORKS... ? I don't feel like repeating everything again. It's hard to type one-handed while I'm nursing my baby!<P>The OW (can't remember what posts you've read about her. Try BETRAYERS-is this an affair? if you haven't already read it) works around the corner from my house, but, no, haven't seen her. H hasn't mentioned her, but he knows I suspect them so he wouldn't admit it if he'd seen her. We've started to discuss her a couple of times, but our kids are around and I don't want to argue about that in front of them. I'm pretty sure this has the potential to become an argument. My H actually had the nerve to say he only kept in touch with her for our daughter's sake! I looked at him like "give me a break" and he shut up. Spare me! This issue will come up again, when they have some contact, in the near future. I'd love to go into her workplace and make a scene. Even better, get her fired. Then she'd move away. (sigh) Part of me thinks that my H was really flattered that I told her I thought their relationship was inappropriate.<P>Come to think of it, my memory has been HORRIBLE. I don't know if I've been repeating things or leaving things out. Sorry!

I don't understand this place. I just tried to look up some of my older posts (within past 30 days) and they're gone. Oh well! I can explain more about OW later.<P>So glad this job is working out for your H!

hey, yeah i remember the story of your OW..sounds like not much is going on,now, i hope.<BR>yeah, H's "friend" was pretty scummy, and right now im hacked off b/c H blames him for his affair, even though he got seriously underway with OW when "friend" was too sick with heart problems to have sex (like, had major open heart surgery) and moved out of our house. So, like HOW was i screwing the guy? i don't get it.<BR>yeah, internet affair was a different guy from the NY guy who "loves me". flattering, but kinda bizarre (i have some evidence the guy has a real life, so why hang on to me?).<P>How funny your H was jealous of your 'date'--he told you to do it!!!hahahahaha. I'm glad you 'dumped' the guy, though, entanglements are bad...<P>yeah, i lost a bunch of posts, too, but if you say look at the last 30 days, and look at like page 16, you can find them. that is really random and slow, though. oh well.<BR>yeah, im keeping up with "this stuff works" <BR>talk to you later!