Hi TNT<BR>Wondered how you were doing. "Put the bag back on his shoulders" has to do with not accepting responsibility for his problem and handing it back to him by asking him what HE wants to do about it. His immediate answer would have to do with changes I need to make and he is not in control of that, only himself, so the figuring out what he plans or wants to do about it, clarifies a possible need for action on his part if something is bothering him. <P>Since one of his values is "happiness" and the book clearly identifies why this is not a good value to have, he needs to assume responsibility for his feelings and make some decisions about how long he plans to stay in that feeling mode, is there something he needs to do differently so he doesn't feel that way all the time, or ???? whatever. It is about him and not about me and therefore he needs to do whatever he feels is necessary to fix his problem.

I have been lurking around for a time reading the posts. Every attempt to get BIM is thwarted. (They keep ordering me Boundaries and Kids at Booksamillion!) There is much wisdom being shared here. The issues of control being spoken about are probably the most enlightening. I hadn't realized that I had been trying to control God or invade his boundaries too!<P>One issue that puzzles me. I have been praying about it and searching the Bible for answers, but my heart doesn't seem to be open or my emotions are clouding it all up. I recognize the control I have been exerting over my husband throughout our marriage. I long for a balanced Christian home where we both fulfill the roles that God has created for us. But I have too often taken the reigns. My husband is deciding if he BELIEVES that we can be happy and have a fulfilling marriage. I find myself trying to convince him that it can through logic and reasoning and through MB principles. I need so desperately the patience to let go of him and allow him to take ownership of this decision. I am just scared that it won't work out if I do. Am I trying to control God too? Are there scriptures I can go to for guidance and strength. (I am still tempted to ask God "to make him love me.")

gsd,<BR>I know the control issue well. I didn't so much control my husband in our marriage, but since I found out about the ow, I tried to control the situation. Tried to work on me, him etc.. I had never looked at it from the point of view you suggest that I was trying to control God. That is insightful, and I will have to think about that.<P>I can only share what God has been telling me all along, but that I have been more willing to act on little by little since Jan. God has told me to basically let it all go and pray only. He has even gotten me to the point that I am not to talk about it with my h, with anyone else, or even think about the circumstances. He has said to me, "Seek Me only for the time being."<P>I have not tried to have a conversation about anything substantail for about 6 weeks now. I don't ask when the ow is in town, even when I suspect. I have replaced thoughts of the whole situation with praise, as best as I can. <P>It was really hard at first. I would want to say something and God would just stop me. Now I don't worry about it. I chit chat and when he asks me something then I share. Although my h is currently not living with us, we do see him all the time. So this has really been hard at times. <P>The Lord has shown me, how much I had tried to control the situation. He has shown me strongholds I didn't know were there. And we all pray for our spouses to get to the end of themselves and call out to God. Well, God showed me I had to get to the end of myself in wanting my marriage so desperately.<P>He has shown me He wants me to seek Him only. To focus all my energy on Him. Basically He has told me to seek Him in the same way I have sought to restore my marriage.<P>It was hard at first, but it is a relief. I feel at peace most of the time. The enemy still tries to confuse me, bring thoughts into my head such as it is a lost cause. But I try to praise Him at these times and tell the eviil one, no more. <P>This has not happened over night. But God doesn't give up on us. He is faithful even when we are not. We can stand on His promises. The one that has helped me is the realization that God has allowed this into my life and marriage, but He uses all things for good. I have His promise although I don't see progress for months on end, that He is still working. God builds our faith in this way. <P>God is so great!!! I do not know what I would have done with out Him all these months and years. He has taken me from where I am and moved me closer to where He wants me to be. It is still evolving, but God is there.<P>Sorry, got carried away here.

Welcome gsd!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>One issue that puzzles me. I have been praying about it and searching the Bible for<BR>answers, but my heart doesn't seem to be open or my emotions are clouding it all up. I<BR>recognize the control I have been exerting over my husband throughout our marriage. I<BR>long for a balanced Christian home where we both fulfill the roles that God has created<BR>for us. But I have too often taken the reigns. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I appreciated the honesty and vulnerability in your post. I always have to laugh as lately when I am confronted with an issue God wants me to deal with and I would prefer to run away from it, he allows one of you to post something with the topic suirrounding whatever it is I need to deal with. <P>Reminds me so much about Paul telling us that we are given comfort that we may in turn give comfort. I think it is similar in those areas God teaches us in, that I share what he is teaching me and perhaps others are blessed by it.<P>Met with pastor today. I mentioned that I hate crying and he suggests that I need to take it ip ith the Father and discover what I need to do about it, since I feel so strongly about it, seeing what it is the Lord would have me learn.<P>So your "I long" statement really hit me, because I have made similar statements and I am realizing that I am mad that so far these desires have not been met by the Father. Today I am incredibly aware of how powerless and helpless I am to change my husband's behavior, that my desire to become the woman He wants me to be has been displayed in "action" steps, that is, I see the fruits of the spirit and I desire to absorb those characteristics in my life and put much emphasis into practicing patience, etc....but I also found out in this discovery today, that I am bitter and even angrily rebellious in my spirit as I feel some under the thumb pressure knowing He is in control of my life and nothing happens that He doesn't allow, for my good, etc.<P>Gosh, see what happens when you pray for awareness and for bitter roots to be ripped out of your heart? My bitterness extends to the same longing and desire that you mentioned, for our marriage to be in His will as He designed it and since it is not happening NOW as I desire it and as I desire to be obedient to Him, I read those words of waiting in expectation, of waiting, of waiting....with such an impatience bubbling inside, affecting me internally like a tea kettle on the stove, near the boiliing point and I feel like I am going to spew all over any minute.<P>So I guess that makes me a hypocrite, believing one thing as truth and then doing the opposite by my actions, even if no one else sees it except the Father. <P>And I know that we all struggle with Romans 7, and I know that it is easy to start listening to the lies of the evil one regarding poor self-esteem stuff and some of you may write countering all this, but in this case, it is more than some poor self-esteem issue for I know I am his daughter and it is because I am His daughter that I need to admit the sin in my life and deal with the issues I have with my Dad.<P>I have often made comments about the spiritual problems my H has and I have just been lamblasted in the looking in the mirror scripture and realized my own spirit problem.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My husband is deciding if he BELIEVES<BR>that we can be happy and have a fulfilling marriage. I find myself trying to convince<BR>him that it can through logic and reasoning and through MB principles. I need so<BR>desperately the patience to let go of him and allow him to take ownership of this<BR>decision. I am just scared that it won't work out if I do. Am I trying to control God<BR>too? Are there scriptures I can go to for guidance and strength. (I am still tempted to<BR>sk God "to make him love me.")<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, I would say you also are trying to control God as I have been and scared to death that He won't do what you want Him to do. That you are struggling as I am with Him saying that he knows what is best for me and I am not so sure I agree. <P>The heart problem, what do I really believe and how am I acting on that belief. Still sorting it ouit and God will probably have me up in the wee hours of the morning digging through His word, so check back later.

Thank you. Can't post any more now, just wanted to say thank you. I'm glad I'm not a lone and crazy

Hello Sisters..... am trying to catch up with you all. I am new to MB, have posted on this board as well as the prayer request board. I do not have the books as of yet, am having one (POPW) held at our local Bible Book Store and am picking it up this afternoon. It's a 30 minute trip there and another 30 back so it's a planned thing!! At any rate, I really need to get the boundaries book too. I am waiting for my h and have been for 20 months. At this time he thinks all of our problems are because of me, some depression, dissatisfaction with job, parenting styles etc. I know it's NOT ALL my fault and I should probably figure some of this out and quit accepting all the blame and maybe see what he will do about some of it. In the past 20 months I have been developing my relationship with God and I have gotten a great peace about it all, now it's time to really dig in and learn what the word says and how to become a powerful praying wife!! Just found MB about two weeks ago and have to read at work cause my internet is on the fritz at home. I'll get caught up as soon as possible, thanks for all of the teaching and sharing that I have received so far, God's hand is on this group and toghether with Him we will make it through these desert times!! I BELIEVE in Him and TRUST Him with all of my heart. In Peace LAP I thank God for leading me to you. THANK YOU LORD

I had a new boundary challenge last weekend while travelling with H out of town. My H is a lousy driver and a lousy navigator, so I planned on being both. A few minutes before our first stop, I asked H to locate the correct map for me to look at. I found myself incredibly annoyed when his response was "why?" I bit my tongue as the answers raced through my head. WHY??? Because I know I can't depend on you to be my navigator! Because I'm too afraid of your driving to be the navigator/passenger. Because I have to do all the driving and I can't read a map and drive at the same time! And besides, why do you even have to ask me why??? Isn't my need to look at a map obvious?? Why are you even asking me why?? Would it be so difficult to just say "sure, I'd be happy to reach in the glove compartment to find the map for you." My request was a simple one, but instead of cooperation, he offers an obstacle. <P>As all these things are crossing through my mind, I initially answered his "why" with silence. He was making no move to find the map, so I rather tersely said "I <I>need</I> to look at the map." <P>I suppose I did ok by keeping a clamp on my nasty thoughts, but I think I could have done better. This is one of those situations where his actions didn't make me mad. It was my reaction to him that made me angry. I have control over me. Does anyone have some suggestions for improvement?

Honey, I am just more comfortable having a picture in my mind of the way we plan to go. It helps me to relax and enjoy the scenery more when I don't always have to be on guard. Thanks I appreciate it.

"lonesome heart" Everyday, on my way to work, I pray. I confess my personal commitment to binding my will to the will of God's. To His Word and to grow in the <BR>Spirit of his Son Jesus Christ.<P>But most important I say:<P>"TODAY.... I WILL NOT LET SOMEONE'S ACTIONS TO DETERMINE MY REACTION".<P>It's a daily commitment but what joy and blessings and peace and serinity it has brought me. AMEN<P>Paula xxoo<P>------------------<BR>The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. 2 Peter 3:9<P>BabyDoll (Paula :D)

Thank you Baby Doll. That is exactly what I need to do. I have such a hard time with it though. I believe that much of what I've done wrong is to carry too much of my H's responsibilities. The first thing SueB told me to do is look at my burdens and see which ones belonged to someone else. <P>The number one burden around here is financial. If I just set down his portion of the burden, his portion of the responsibility doesn't get met. I tried that six months ago, and we're now behind on all payments and on the verge of bankruptcy. When he sinks, I sink with him. I was down in the dumps about it and just recently revived my resolve to be the one in this relationship who will solve our financial problems by boosting MY income to a sufficient level. <P>The generic "one size fits all situations" problem that lies underneath the examples I describe in this forum is this: I can't depend on him. If I do, I receive disappointment. As long as I expect nothing from him, we get along fine. Yet, after 13 years of marriage, am I supposed to expect nothing in order to get along with my H?? I want more! <P>I could feel the power of the Tuesday night prayers last night. I've prayed to be a stronger person. Last night I added up my bottom line for October and balanced my checkbook. This exercise has reduced me to tears in previous months. This time, I'm making plans to honor my obligations instead of blaming my H and feeling sorry for myself. Still have a long way to go...<BR> <BR>

Good for you but remember, you mustn't carry the load yourself. If you are unable to get your H to commit to an action plan, then see where you can "Do without" for a little while.<P>Believe me when I say, as SueB knows, I know financial hardship. It's taken me 8 long months (after loosing everything: contract, husband then house) to finally get a handle on things. Is there anywhere you can cut back? Cable TV, Phone, Electricity? It was a whole new learning curve for me. The problem was, I was living a life style in which I had become accustomed too. Not until I looked at the "LITTLE extras" that I realized that they were really not that important. My peace and serinity was!<P>I wish you great success at your October challenge!<P>Paula<BR>

OK, I've got a boundaries question. I've been reading the book but am really struggling. I can't quite get the concept down yet.<P>Here's my situation: I am a take charge kind of person and when something needs to be done I do it. This attitude seems to of enabled my family to slough off alot of duties on me. You know its easier to do it yourself when others either won't or procrastinate.<P>Out of this I have developed some resentments and feel as if all I do is harp. Responsibility seems to of landed pretty much on my shoulders across the board. My question is, Is it too late to change this after 30 some odd years and if so, where do I start?<P>Thanks, Taj

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My question is, Is it too late to change this after 30 some odd years and if so, where do I start?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, I do not believe that it is too late to change Taj, but it will be a growing thing for you. You already know that the harping and resentment stuff are your key clues that these areas are the ones that you need to set a boundary on.<P>Pick one thing, whichever one irritates you the most. Decide how you want to now handle that situation, what your limit is going to be. It means that that one thing may never get done for your family will surely try to outwait you to slide back into your old behavior of picking up the slack. <P>Decide what it is that you want to change so that you can respond lovingly and not feel angry or resentful. Develop an pat answer that will be repeated many times. (My key one is " Honey, I am not responsible for your feelings, you are responsible for your feelings. What do you want to do about your feelings? I did not ask you what you wanted me to do about your feelings, I asked you what you wanted to do differently about your feelings." Over and over and over again I repeat this in a loving and firm way)<P>It is encouraging others to be more responsiblee and to take myself out of the loop so that I am not feeling resentful, like the lady whose hubby always came home for dinner late. 20 years down the road I may get to this one, but for now, it seems the least of my concerns.<P>You work on that one thing until your family understands that you will not back down in this area and that you are doing what it takes to limit your resentment in this area. Then you tackle the next one. I think it is a good thing to practice now for when you guys finally hit retirement age, you will drive each ohter nuts if you don't have some of this stuff settled by then.<P>Hope that helps.

SueB,<P>I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your answer to my question. Right now I have a headache from the 2x4 that God hit me with! You see I have had this boundaries thing all wrong and I am a bit chagrined at my wrong attitude.<P>You nailed it right on the head as usual and I now realize that boundaries are about changing me not my h. It took me a while to get far enough into the book to see where I have enabled behavior to continue to upset me when I used my frustration to solve the behavior. I now know that I am the problem and am looking forward to beginning to work towards the solutions. First off I have stopped harping.......Second, I have begun to realize that my "just doing it myself" has got to stop.<P>I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks, even after 30 some odd years. This book has been a real eye-opener.<P>Thanks again, Taj

I am so glad Taj, I remember a time when you said you just couldn't get into this book. I am reading a new book called the sacred romance...drawing closer to the heart of God and I guess I am realizing how much I have allowed the "stuff" to get in the way of my romance with the Lord.<P>I want to be loving and affirming to my man but I really am realizing the need for limits in all areas and how much I have allowed garbage to get in the way of my joyful serving. God knows the plans he has for me and I just need to get free of this "stuff" to be able to see where I can join him in the dance of life.

Wow! ladies, talk about growth. Seems like we all go through a spell of discouragement and now we all seem to be going through a spell of growth and breaking down our strongholds. The Lord, is so great.<P>Sue, I am going to look for this book. It sounds great. Thanks

I wish I started reading this strand earlier. I read the Book about a month or so ago. I think I need to reread it. I understand the concept of changing me rather than trying to change my H. But this setting boundries thing is HARD!!!! I have been my H's doormatt almost from the begining and now 9 years later I have discovered that this has destroyed any and all respect he might have had for me and now he wants out. Up until the last year I never saw it as a problem. he does't drink, comes straight home for dinner, and for the most part was pleasant to be around. then he lost his job and wouldn't do a thing around the house or with the kids and I was working a couple of jobs, trying to be a mom and a good wife and housekeeper. I now realize that I was wrong to let him do nothing I was always making excuses for him. <BR>He has now been back to work for a couple of months but he still won't do anything to help out. I love him and he really can be a great guy. but I'm not sure on where to set boundries. My H has set definate boundries for me and when I cross them he gets mad. but he has no problem crossing my boundries for myself. Thers's just some things I'm not sure what to do about. for instance; He is still continuing his online romance with OW. I've told him how this makes me feel and he still continues. I know I can't make him stop. I can't leave him either. The one thing I have seen him write to OW is that he wants me to leave. I relize he wants me to be the one to end our relationship, that way he won't feel quilty, so I stay. any advise on what to do, or do I just wait on the Lord and pray. That's what I have been doing, but it feels like I'm not DOING anything. I'm the kind of person that when I want something done, I want it done now! This waiting thing is HARD! <BR>I also don't know how to handle his sleeping on the couch. My H and I have spend maybe two weeks total appart since we were married. as far as sleeping goes. I have a verry dificult time sleeping in our bed without him. but now his choice is the couch. I feel so rejected with him out there. He knows I can't sleep well without him. I can't figure out if he's trying to punish me or if he just feels that guilty that he can't sleep with me. I know my reactions and feelings are mine to deal with but I'm not sure how. I go through such extreems from feeling God next to me to feeling all alone and like I don't matter to God and wanting to end it all.<BR>and then I feel so quilty for feeling those feelings. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride.<P>Does any of this make any sense?<P>------------------<BR>Irene<p>[This message has been edited by Scared and lonely (edited October 12, 2000).]

Hello,<BR>Excuse my ignorance,but what does BIM stand for?<BR> Beth

Boundaries in Marriage...learning to set limits on yourself so that you can respond accordingly to those around you to eliminate resentment, etc., particularly your hubby

Yes, count me in...I really do want to learn more about me and what boundaries I need to set. I am craving the Lord so much, I have so much to learn...and all of your responses have been so helpful. Oh how God leads...<P>vincent