I have a new scenario here. Those of you familiar with my story know that I'm in dire straights financially. I'm on the verge of giving up on my H. Yesterday I asked him for help on a project that will earn us some $$. Today he is working on something else. <P>He gets very annoyed if I repeat myself. If I say nothing, I'll not get what I asked for. I feel he's shirking his responsibilities, and I want to set a boundary. I know the only thing I can control is how I react. What do I do? Thinking positive thoughts is stretching my capabilities today.<P>His actions make me feel like my request is at the bottom of his list of things to do, if my request is on a mental list at all. This hurts me tremendously. He seems to have no interest whatsoever in how I feel. Talking about anything but gardening or computers seems to be an LB for him. By keeping quiet, I am enabling his behavior which I find unacceptable (i.e., dealing with problems by pretending they don't exist). <P>My love bank is beyond empty by a long shot. I feel surrounded by a minefield of LBs. I feel like the only way to avoid them is to be remain silent and motionless. I also feel like there's a screaming, nasty witch inside of me about to erupt into a session of stepping on every LB potential in sight. This is awful! This is not what or how I want to be! I'm married to a man I can't talk to or confide in. I've been in withdrawal lately, willing to take one more venture into conflict. I want to give it my best shot and need some help.

Hi kiddo,<P>The problem with teh boundaries thing though is that the boundariy is on self to keep from feeling or displaying inappropriate behaviors, thus the question would be what do I need to do to keep myself from reacting negatively to my husband.<P>Your frustration is out of expectations for your husband, the inability to control his behavior or force him to do what he needs to do in order to be responsible and prvie care for you. The boundary for such a thing is to quit expecting anything from him and in light of that what do you need to do for you to feel nurtured and cared for. It just might be doing those odd jobs so that you can put that money aside to be able to go live on a rooftop somewhere so that your H can feel the full impact of lights being turned off, etc. Perhaps you need to pack your puter and head off to a campground with electicity or something. <P>Gee air fare are pretty cheap right now, Want to come visit me? I have an extra bedroom with a small living area next to it where you could plant your puter. i know this probably wasn't very encouraging, but sometimes doing the hard stuff brings so much freedom later.

Be careful what you offer SueB! I might end up on your doorstep! LOL <P>I've spent a lot of time considering the option of separation. I have an appointment Tuesday for debt counselling. I'm very apprehensive about it. I may be in too bad shape for them to help me. <P>In terms of "living on a rooftop" if I have to, I'm bracing myself for that as a possible reality. It seems impossible to say that in a loving way. <P>Thank you SueB for answering. I know you have some heavy duty issues yourself right now. You must have made some progress?

Smile, sweetie, you can come to my house any time! <P>Progress, hmmm....guess that depends on whose definitions it is in I suppose. Am I convinced that God will turn our lives upside down in order that His will prevails? Absolutely! Am I convinced that the road is going to be the most topsy turvey ride I have ever been on? Absolutely! Am I ready? Only by His strength. If it was up to me, I would be out of here, but God sees H differently than I do and I have to keep looking at him from God's perspective. As I understand more and more about God and his own boundaries and how I am sinning by not setting boundaries in love, I guess I am developing more patience than I thought available.<P>Right now, he is stompping his feet and crying and slamming doors. The bible study people arrive in 10 minutes. Then he will put his plastic smile on and hug me and be loving until they leave and then relapse back into jerk mode. I know that part of this is rebellion from whatever he and Pastor discussed yesterday. He has been frumpy since then.<P>I will keep you in prayer about the appt with the credit counselor. They can do amazing things. Hang in there my little sister!<P>****<BR>Footnote:<BR>He didn't do the usual for bible study. Stayed in our bedroom until the study was nearly over and then came down, wasn't very talkative. Was hard because of course everyone wanted to know where he was and I truthfully told them he was in the bedroom. They wanted to know what was going on and I didn't want to bash him. They asked if he was upset and I said yes, they wanted to know if he was upset with them and I said no, at me. When all had left except one sister who committed yesterday to begin and accoutability group with me yesterday stayed for awhile and talked with him, he was cold and cutting about me in front of me. I said nothing because I do believe it is his issue and not mine. I don't see it as a who is right and who is wrong situation. Of course, then because I didn't say anything retalitory, he had to make comments about that as well, but I realized that he was trying for a button to push. I know that God is bigger than all this. <P>I suspect he has now locked the bedroom door, but we do have other places to sleep. The neat thing is that this woman and her husband have been through the Harley stuff as she had an affair many years ago and her husband loved her through it. They are the neatest couple and my H does trust them to be genuine. God is going to do a big thing in my marriage in His time and in His way. <p>[This message has been edited by SueB (edited October 22, 2000).]

hw<P>I loved your writing concerning your submission of your control to God. Just this past weekend after finding out my H flew back to Germany to be with ow. I realized that I must surrender all my control, my mind, body and soul to God so He can work in the life of H and on our marriage. That is hard for me to do.....I can be a control freak. I realized that surrender to the Lord is the only way. This is going to be so hard....but by praying almost every minute of the day will get me on track. Yes, I know what God has in mind for me is His best...much better than what I want for myself. I have to come to terms with myself that this marriage may not survive. When I think of it, I get so depressed, fear overcomes me, and I miss him so much. Please pray that God will give me the strength, and the direction He wants me to go. To become strong in my boundaries, but with a kind and loving heart. I need to get H out of mind, I think of him constantly, and this is not healthy. Do you have any more insight into this? Does anyone else out there find it hard to give your entire self to God, and let him take complete charge of your life? What suggestions do you have that will help me began...

Hi there. I don't know if you have read any of the first pages of this thread and if not please read a page or so a day as we went over the principles of Boundaries from the book by Townsend and Cloud. When I think about my hubby now, I utilize the types of prayers that the POPW shows, that is, if my focus is on H, then I pray for his mind, his emotions, etc. and always end up i seems praising God for He alone is the one who will makes changes in our lives according to his purpose and will for us. I recite scripture so my mind is focused that my battle is not between my H and I but as described in Eph 6. I rebuke their power over us and bind them away from us and agin praying that God fills that hole in my H so that as described in Luke, more evil does not come make and choose to live in this swept clean house. You learn that praying without ceasing is easy, whether you are sweepig your kitchen or mking the bed, or ironing his clothes. Raking leaves outside is perfect to praise His creation as this time of year is so brisk and cool and refreshing. You feel alive in him when you are done. If I am cleaning house, I sometimes put the praise songs on and I pray those songs that relate to my H. You realize that God is the best friend in the world who listens without ceasing and who doesn't condemn you but loves you closer to Him and gives you the Spirit to teach you in all things holy. Hope that helps.

Lonesome, how did the meeting with the credit counselor go?

Well, without assistance, our bottom line is more than we earn. With the assistance, the bottom line is still more than we earn. I try not to worry. I think if I muster up some more resolve, I could work harder, earn more income and turn this situation around. To successfully navigate the debt counselling program would take at least 4 years. But the truth is I'm tired and discouraged. I contemplate a different scenario more and more often: declare bankruptcy, eliminate all unsecured debt, then sell the house. There would be some $ and household belongings for us to split and go our separate ways. I'm at a crossroads, I don't know which way to turn, and I can't see any signs showing me the right way. Thanks for asking SueB. You're very kind to offer support to me and others when you have such a plateful of your own.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> PS 16:5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;<BR> you have made my lot secure.<P>[11] I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. [12] I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. [13] I can do everything through him who gives me strength.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Linda Dillow has a new bible study out about our anxious hearts, focusing much on these two verses. Contentment is a learned thing. I found that comforting and hopeful. That God gives me my portion affirms to me once again that He is in control and nothing is going on that He doesn't know about. <P>I think about the precious gift that Karenna is carrying and how God has used that little boy greatly already to heal his mom and dad's relationship and he isn't even born yet. I see the softness in Karenna, the changes she has made since the beginning of her pregnancy and I am equally hopeful that God will change me and my attitude so that no matter what happens, I can understand how to honor and respect a person who does not honor and respect me. <P>I see God calling many of us into a deeper relationship with him so that we know that he is sufficient for all things and I can trust that He will teach me more and more about His character and I can grow up to be just like my dad.<P>I was reading more about David and Saul tonight, that no matter how hateful and murserous Saul was, David spoke to him with regard and respect. In the end, David knew that Saul would eventually kill him and so he chose to stay far away from Saul, but he always respected that Saul was the anointed one and that position deserved respect. That is what I need to learn with my H. <P>God knows how it will end up, but I must be respectful in the interim. Actually, 4 years isn't a long time. You would be so proficient at budgeting that you would ooze with creativity yourself in making those pennies stretch. I will pray for wisdom for you. I would hate to see you miss out on a blessing if the long haul was what you were supposed to do. He will give you peace Lonesome. If you don't have the peace (which is not the same as comfort) then don't make any steps. Selling the house might be one option that would make sense, to rent for awhile 'til you get back on your feet. If you sell the house, make sure you have emergency money stashed so that you don't fall back into the same trap. Satan is a bugger in that way.<P>Hugging you from here!<P>My Father, you are all wisdom and wonder, mighty and awesome. There is none like you! Thank you for this time of growing and stretching for all of us, for helping us to wait in expectation to see how you will work in our lives. Father, I ask that you give lonesome wisdom regarding her finances and marriage, that you hold tightly to this young lamb and guide her. Help her to clearly discern your will for her concerns and let her feel your peace that surpasses all understanding. IJN, Amen.

Up for Diane1

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lonesome heart:<BR><B>I have a new scenario here. Those of you familiar with my story know that I'm in dire straights financially. I'm on the verge of giving up on my H. Yesterday I asked him for help on a project that will earn us some $$. Today he is working on something else. <P>He gets very annoyed if I repeat myself. If I say nothing, I'll not get what I asked for. I feel he's shirking his responsibilities, and I want to set a boundary. I know the only thing I can control is how I react. What do I do? Thinking positive thoughts is stretching my capabilities today.<P>His actions make me feel like my request is at the bottom of his list of things to do, if my request is on a mental list at all. This hurts me tremendously. He seems to have no interest whatsoever in how I feel. Talking about anything but gardening or computers seems to be an LB for him. By keeping quiet, I am enabling his behavior which I find unacceptable (i.e., dealing with problems by pretending they don't exist). <P>My love bank is beyond empty by a long shot. I feel surrounded by a minefield of LBs. I feel like the only way to avoid them is to be remain silent and motionless. I also feel like there's a screaming, nasty witch inside of me about to erupt into a session of stepping on every LB potential in sight. This is awful! This is not what or how I want to be! I'm married to a man I can't talk to or confide in. I've been in withdrawal lately, willing to take one more venture into conflict. I want to give it my best shot and need some help. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know how you feel by not being able to talk to or to confide in your husband. I have the same problem, it hurts alot!! Im sorry that you are going thru all this. I have the boundaries book, but I don't dare to set anything, I don't want to get him mad, and I don't think that it will change my situation. I have a husband who drinks all the time, and he doesn't care about anything but himself (at least he doesn't show it, unless he wants sex). I need a friend in my marriage. This is not what I want from a marriage, I just don't want to leave all that I have, I don't think that I am emotionally strong enough yet, he puts me down alot, he yells, and because of his drinking he blames all the problems on other people. I want to live a happy life, everyone says to make yourself happy, I just don't know how to do it? If you want to chat, Ill be here.<BR>lindy<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lonesome heart:<BR><B>I have a new scenario here. Those of you familiar with my story know that I'm in dire straights financially. I'm on the verge of giving up on my H. Yesterday I asked him for help on a project that will earn us some $$. Today he is working on something else. <P>He gets very annoyed if I repeat myself. If I say nothing, I'll not get what I asked for. I feel he's shirking his responsibilities, and I want to set a boundary. I know the only thing I can control is how I react. What do I do? Thinking positive thoughts is stretching my capabilities today.<P>His actions make me feel like my request is at the bottom of his list of things to do, if my request is on a mental list at all. This hurts me tremendously. He seems to have no interest whatsoever in how I feel. Talking about anything but gardening or computers seems to be an LB for him. By keeping quiet, I am enabling his behavior which I find unacceptable (i.e., dealing with problems by pretending they don't exist). <P>My love bank is beyond empty by a long shot. I feel surrounded by a minefield of LBs. I feel like the only way to avoid them is to be remain silent and motionless. I also feel like there's a screaming, nasty witch inside of me about to erupt into a session of stepping on every LB potential in sight. This is awful! This is not what or how I want to be! I'm married to a man I can't talk to or confide in. I've been in withdrawal lately, willing to take one more venture into conflict. I want to give it my best shot and need some help. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know how you feel by not being able to talk to or to confide in your husband. I have the same problem, it hurts alot!! Im sorry that you are going thru all this. I have the boundaries book, but I don't dare to set anything, I don't want to get him mad, and I don't think that it will change my situation. I have a husband who drinks all the time, and he doesn't care about anything but himself (at least he doesn't show it, unless he wants sex). I need a friend in my marriage. This is not what I want from a marriage, I just don't want to leave all that I have, I don't think that I am emotionally strong enough yet, he puts me down alot, he yells, and because of his drinking he blames all the problems on other people. I want to live a happy life, everyone says to make yourself happy, I just don't know how to do it? If you want to chat, Ill be here.<BR>lindy<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Alcoholic's Wife:<BR><B>WOW SueB!!!! Your last response was tremendous! <BR>I am to struggling with an alcholic husband, who gets real angry when he drinks whiskey, he still won't do anything to help himself. I can't talk to my husband about anything that turns into a problem. He just won't deal with it. I feel so lonely. I am married, but I feel as thou I am single, except he lives here and gives me a check. I just don't know what to do anymore. People tell me to leave, I don't think emotionally that I am strong enough. I am on meds, just so I can deal with everything. I want a marriage that he can be my friend, that I can talk to him about everything and share the burdens. I hope your situation gets better. Thanks for listening.<BR>lindykay<P>

Hi Lindy<P>Have to go to work now but will get back to you later this evening. Welcome. Have you been reading this thread from the beginning? I would do so if I were you. I do understand about fear.<P>God bless you,<BR>SueB

Lindy,<P>Again welcome to our group and for risking vulnerability to share your pain with us.<P>Alcoholism is one of Satan's challenges that many of us have experienced in our walk. Rage and anger does bring fear and anxiety in titanic proportions and it does, at times, seem much easier to put up with it rather than recognize that we are worthy of better treatment.<P>The hard part is to recognize that by not doing or saying anything, (don't rock the boat) we are giving our loved ones permission to be jerks, that we are limiting God and are stumbling blocks to the very ones we love and would like God's hand and mercy and intervention on. <P>What I appreciated about your post was the honesty in which you said that you felt that trade off for your H's anger would be the loss of comfort for what he provides for you. Two thoughts go through my mind about this.<P>One, recognize that this is a choice that you make and as such, you must then rejoice and free yourself from all resentments, for you are receiving exactly what you have chosen to accept. Believe me, I do not say this lightly, for I have been learning those same areas where I have accepted less than God's best in the hope of keeping the peace and catching myself frequently during those times when I have felt like complaining about the very things I have accepted, realizing that we are doing the same things over and over and wondering why nothing changes! <P>Growth, spiritual and otherwise, invites change. Recognizing who we are in Christ can empower us to make changes. I would suggest that you head to the POPW study and begin the chapter one study so that you can pray for your husband effectively. I think I began by choosing one small insignificant area, something I felt convicted about, recognizing who I was, as God's daughter, recognizing that I was forever free from condemnation for the One who loves me more than I love myself and realizing that I was letting my H down as his helpmeet by not taking a stand on something. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>1PE 3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, [2] when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. [3] Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. [4] Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. [5] For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, [6] like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Recognizing that both my h and I deserve God's best made me realize that to be in submission meant that I needed to tell my H in love how his behavior affected me and the family for submission means to acquiesce, to be in a state of agreement that to yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another is done always in love with the desire for wanting the best for the other. <P>Am I respecting the position of authority that God has given my H if I allow him to continue to hurt me or the family? Is that in my H's best interests? Is my silence, in the name of submission, really showing my H love or am I looking to my own interests and comfort while harboring resentment and bitterness and disgust for this person I have married out of my own self-centeredness? <P>Does not my H deserve a whole healthy wife who can come along side of him through thick and thin, who is faithful and honest enough to tell him the tough stuff? It is in my H's best interests that I learn how to set boundaries, that I learn how to change and to control myself, that I learn how to speak the truth in love, so that I can develop that gentle and quiet spirit that my partner deserves.<P>So, with that goal, I bounce between this book and the POPW book, learning how to change myself that my H will have the kind of wife and that we will have the kind of marriage that God originally designed marriage to be.<P>Your post encouraged me to recap why I am doing what I am doing and I have been encouraged. Thank you. My hard steps will more than likely include some separation time and that is scary for me, but I do believe God when he says that he will restore what the locusts have eaten. We each have to determine what the locusts in our lives are, alcoholism, sexual, or food addictions, OW, etc.<P>I hope you continue to post with us Lindy and will grow with us.

Welcome to the thread lindykay. SueB knows too well what you're going through. As you read through this thread from the beginning, pay careful attention to the burdens you carry and determine how many of them belong to someone else. SueB hit me right between the eyes when I showed more concern for my H than I did for myself. I was carrying burdens for my H, and I wasn't doing either of us any favors in the long run. It's a hard pill to swallow.

LindyKay,<P>I was thinking more about your thread, the principles of setting boundaries and MB. Had a therapist tell me a long time ago that the alcohol was the OW for my H, that the bottle was more important than I was. He wasn't quite so kind in his recommendations in what one does about such a thing and he did just wonders for my self-esteem...(NOT) always felt that with OW, you at least could see the competition and knew what you were battling with to establish some kind of battle plan, but with the bottle being the OW, it was a bit more difficult.<P>Guess that was where "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was so helpful for me in beginning to learn about boundaries. It seemed to be easier to set a limit for the spouse to get into treatment than in my present relationship where food/sex addictions are more prevalent. Like my H says, with an alcoholic, the progaram works from an abstaining position, but with a food addiction, a person needs to continue to eat for obvious reasons and the temptation to backslide is far greater.<P>Would like to know how you are doing. Thinking about you.<P>

Hello everyone! You really do know what I am going thru SueB. Couple of ?? what is popw study (is it power of the praying wife book?) the other book you talk about is it boundaries? I really need to start focusing on the Lord's help. How do I start? How can I say anything to my husband about his attitude toward me, if he will just get angry with me? I try not to bring up ANY thing that would get him mad, sad. That is probably wrong, isn't it? That is probably enabling him to do what ever he wants to do cuz he is not dealing with anything. Do you think it is a good idea to start talking to him about things and stop keeping everything to myself? Am I hurting my husband by staying with him (as far as his drinking goes)? Should I talk to him about his drinking? That does set him off, should I make him realize and try to get him to admit it to himself about his problem? Can someone help me know where to turn to, to learn more and focus more on the Lord. Is there any type of study (besides the Bible, which I do read). Are there any good books, prayers, anything so that I can take my worries off my husband and focus on myself and the Lord? I will be back on tomorrow. Again, Thanks so very much for being here for me. How can I set boundaries if I don't dare to talk to him about any problems?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>You really do know what I am going thru SueB.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yep, been there, got the T-shirt.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Couple of ?? what is popw study (is it power of the praying wife book?) the other book you talk about is it boundaries?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Yes, it is the Power of a Praying Wife and the boundaries book we are using is called Boundaries in Marriage by Townsend and Cloud.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I really need to start focusing on the Lord's help. How do I start? How can I say anything to my husband about his attitude toward me, if he will just get angry with me?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Okay, sister, what happens when he gets angry? What specifically is his behavior? If you have traveled through the boundaries thread, then you see where some of us have ientified a specific instance to try and work through the steps to determine where the need for a boundary exists and then how we can implement it. Can you give us a specific scenario, and allow us to help you walk through the process? <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> I try not to bring up ANY thing that would get him mad, sad. That is probably wrong, isn't it? That is probably enabling him to do what ever he wants to do cuz he is not dealing with anything. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Our goal is to change ourselves into the kind of wife our husband deserves. One that honors and respects as God directs, who loves enough to be honest and looks out for the best interests of our spouse. Sometimes we feel so miserable that we are willing to grab anything and give it a shot, but without doing the homework and leg work to determine our part in all of it, we can set ourselves up for failure and things can become worse than before. <P>I am challenging you to be patient enough to become fully armed, to understand yourself and your part in how things have been, so that when you do make changes, you will be confident in the goal you have for each step you take. If you can buy these books, great. If not, can you find them at your library? And then I am challenging you to read them, to learn about yourself and how you have enabled your husband, how you have harmed him by not setting boundaries, etc. Again, if you are not comfortable sharing some of the scenarios on this forum, I offer you my email address as I did with the others to be willing to walk with you through the tough questions. If your email is accessible by your husband and you are fearful, then you can get a personal email address through hotmail.com, mail.com or yahoo.com which can only be accessed by you. My email address is eramhoff@home.com<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Do you think it is a good idea to start talking to him about things and stop keeping everything to myself? Am I hurting my husband by staying with him (as far as his drinking goes)? Should I talk to him about his drinking? That does set him off, should I make him realize and try to get him to admit it to himself about his problem? Can someone help me know where to turn to, to learn more and focus more on the Lord. Is there any type of study (besides the Bible, which I do read). Are there any good books, prayers, anything so that I can take my worries off my husband and focus on myself and the Lord? I will be back on tomorrow. Again, Thanks so very much for being here for me. How can I set boundaries if I don't dare to talk to him about any problems?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>One step at a time, one day at a time (and sometimes, one minute at a time). Both the Boundaries and POPW book have study guides. This is about changing you so that God will be able to work in your husband's life without your interference, so to speak, learning to be the godly wife and woman that God desires for you to become.<BR>

Are you going to go through the book again as a study here? I would like to be able to talk to people regarding each step? Also on the popw?<BR>