three steps forward two steps back. Sometimes I just don't know what to do! he won't discontinue his internet flings Last night he was on AOL instant chat with 3 different women, telling each and everyone he loves them and will be dreaming of them. Should this make be happy that he's got several women out their? does it show that he can't commit to any of them or all them at once? Or should I be more worried? I don't know how I should feel. I have been constantly lifting my anger, resentment, and bitterness to God today. Please pray for me to give these to God, because I know that without a pure heart before God I hinder my prayers for my H. <P>------------------<BR>Scared and lonely

Scared and lonely,<P>I have a question......how do you know this is going on? Is he telling you of his conversations on the internet? Fill us in on what your relationship is with your h.<P>If he is boasting on his behavior that is one thing, if he is doing things in secret and you are finding out then that is another.<P>It is very hard to discuss your concerns without more info.......needless to say either way this kind of behavior is unacceptable.<P>Father, You know what is going on and why. I would just ask that You would cause this man great discomfort in his behavior. Show him that he is to honor his wife in all of his actions and that this is not honoring her. Give this sister a discernment for how to deal with her circumstances. Lord I ask that You would give her direction and a sense of Your way of handling this situation.<BR>Lord, intervene as You would see fit and in the process encourage this your daughter. IJN<P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18

just so you know a little more about my situation...Our computer is in our bedroom on myside of the bed not even 3 feet away. He is not bragging about what he is doing because he is doing it more or less in front of me. He comes home at 12:30 am from work and logs on I am a light sleeper and his typing keeps me awake most nights, so I see what he is doing most of the time. <P>I just got home from my counseling session and talked with my counselor about this and he suggested I move the computer to the living room. One-so it's not desicrating my bed room and Two-so he doesn't have quite so much privacy. My H knows I know what is going on he just seems to either not care or he doesn't know I know as much as I do. Tonight I tell him he either doesn't do his thing while me or the kids are her or he moves the computer to the living room. (I don't think he'd keep it up quite as much if it weren't in the privacy of our bedroom. <P>any thoughts or advice, I'd appreciate it.<P>------------------<BR>Irene

Scared and lonley,<P>Your counselor seems to of given you some good advice. I've heard it said that the bedroom should only be for sleeping and making love. That means no TV's, computers, etc. etc.<P>Have you told your h how it makes you feel knowing he is using the computer for encounters with OW? It sounds like you haven't discussed this at all......he just does his thing and thats that.<P>I am a very outspoken individual so I am afraid that I just couldn't allow it, but I know that others on this board are much more diplomatic. For sure he needs to know that this isn't making you feel very honored or loved.<P>How is your relationship with your spouse in other ways? Do you communicate about other things going on in your lives? Again, the thread on Boundaries seems to be one that would benefit you.<P>Hey SueB, what do you have to say about Scared and lonely's situation?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Hey SueB, what do you have to say about Scared and lonely's situation?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>LOL, does that mean I fit in the diplomatic category? <P>First thing I gotta ask Taj, when you say you wouldn't allow something, what exactly do you mean? What exactly would you do, the behavior, that makes you think that you could stop someone else's behavior? I am seriously asking this, not being a smarty pants.<P> Scared and lonely, the therapist's suggestion was a good one. The bottom line on the Boundaries stuff is that you have to decide what it is you want or need to do so that you are not sinning, that is harboring bitterness, resentments, hardened heart, etc. We are to speak the truth in love, letting it be known how other's behavior affects us, but our responsibility for our feelings is our own, how we respond to our husbands is ours as well.<P>What are your options? He is in denial that this is something that impacts you, He is in denial that he has an addiction problem. That you are unwilling to share your bedroom with any other female is a good thing but I would not use it as a threat. I would just move it out and when he asks why, I would tell him in a calm and loving way.<P>But as with any addiction, you have to arm yourself with knowledge about addictions and with that knowledge, you have to decide what limits you want to set so that you are not upset all the time. He is breaking the covenant of marriage. He is having affairs of the heart. Will those things keep him warm at night if you decide to leave or wash his clothes, etc.? What would his response be if you said that you were taking a week or two away to pray and really think about the commitment level the two of you have in regards to this relationship? <P>Would that time away help him to realize the seriousness of the impact of his behavior towards you? Can you honestly say that having the puter in the living room and him doing these things out of your sight at night is going to reduce the feelings you are experiencing? <P>Is this man a believer? If so, can a pastoral confrontation be a possibility? Men of God fall to temptation too. Will keep you in my prayers.<BR>

Sue B<P>thanks for your words of wisdom, no the computer being in the living room won't make me feel a whole lot better other than the fact that he won't be doing this in the most intimate room of the house.<BR>For a week or so I have contemplated getting away for a while to pray and soul search but I don't want him to get the Idea I'm leaving him. That and I don't know where'd I go. I guess I need to pray that if I should go away to pray and contemplate our future that God will open the door and give me the means to do this.<BR>My H used to be a believer, has 3 years bible collage under his belt, was studing to be a youth pastor at one point, (where did it all go wrong!)<BR>Thanks for all your prayers and please continue. I am also praying for all of you.<P>------------------<BR>Irene

There are links out there for pornography help for those in the body. I think I put one in qu's thread.<P>There are an awful lot of men though that have written on these forums who say that is took the wife leaving for them to get the wake up call. Will pray for wisdom for you. Have you read through the boundary thread. There is a lot of learning in there. too much for one night's reading, but it would give you some things to think about.<P>qu, how are you doing out there! I am praying for you!

SueB,<P>Just a quick response to your question..<P>Yup, you truly are the diplomat and I am not! Plus, you seem to have this boundaries thing down pat and I am still struggling through the book.<P>Now, in regards to the question. I know I can't change behavior but I can remove myself from it and that is what I meant. I couldn't allow myself to be with someone who didn't honor me. <P>Now you say, Ok TAj, you were not honored for the many years your h was living a double life with another woman. That is true but my response is I did not know. <P>I have a saying, the first time its your fault the second time its my fault. Maybe its my age but I couldn't tolerate my h doing something in my face in direct opposition to my beliefs. <P>Once bit....twice shy!<p>[This message has been edited by Taj (edited September 27, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Maybe its my age but I couldn't tolerate my h doing something in my face in direct opposition to my beliefs.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>And that is the delemma isn't it? Trying to find the balance to be the woman God wants us to be and honoring even though we aren't honored for the greater purpose, knowing that God is in control and has a purpose for all that we experience. I suppose that is why that one piece is in 1 Cor 7 in regards to the possibility of us needing to leave though we are told that we cannot divorce. <P>I know I would never hang out with anyone who treats me as my husband does, but there is something about the need in the area of commitment that I am supposed to learn I think. I can only guess it is this Boundaries piece, setting a limit as a daughter of the Lord to not allow myself to be in the place where my husband can continue his yuch behavior.<P>