I am recently divorced after 21 years of marriage and 4 children. My ex-husband has had numerous affairs over the years. The last affair was it for me. I tried to work it out with him even though it was the hardest thing I ever tried to do. He isn't a very good father and was never a good husband. We were high school sweethearts and basically spent most of our lives together. He filed for divorce after I had him removed from the home with a restraining order. My problem is that I love him very much. He still wants to be in my life and continues to call me and want to have sex on occasion. I don't know how to get him to understand that I deserve much better treatment than he gave me. I am a Christian woman who believed very strongly in my vows. I need help! I want him so bad and I know that I am an idiot for that. I just don't know what to do. How can I know if he really loves me or is just using me. Can a man really change his behavior and become a decent husband? Please help!

Dear Cheermommy, <P>Have you read about Plan A and Plan B on the website yet? You have taken a strong step full of self control and integrity by removing an unrighteous influence from your life. When you are in Plan B, you need to write down very clear steps that need to be taken for him to earn contact with you again.<P>I would be extremely concerned about his sincerity and ability to follow through on his commitments. Don't do anything dumb like have sex with him (you aren't even married!!!) or give him emotional comfort until he EARNS it. <P>Since you have four children after 21 years of marriage you probably have at least one under the age of 18. (Perhaps a high school cheerleader? ) Which means you have to have at least minimal contact for visitation, unless he is still a putrid father.<P>Watch how he interacts with the children to see whether he is sincerely repentant or is just trying to "use" you. Any man who will abandon his children and still want into your undies isn't worth the tears.<P>To handle this in a most Biblical fashion, I guess you can't remarry anyone else. But don't remarry him unless you are fairly certain you will be "equally yoked" either. That would be more sacrifice than I have strength for however.<P>I am sure others will come along and quote lots of scripture and wisdom with more authority and compassion. Keep praying, reading and posting until you know that you are doing what the Lord wants you to do.<BR><P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

I understand the pain and heartache you must be feeling. Being married for so many years and then getting a divorce is such a heartbreaking experience. Believing strongly in your marriage vows is a great thing and I feel the same way. <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I just don't know what to do. How can I know if he really loves me or is just using me. Can a man really change his behavior and become a decent husband? Please help<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The only advice I can give you is to pray, pray, pray, and then pray some more. The Lord knows your heart, He is listening, waiting for you to come to him and give him your troubles. <P>Only God and your husband knows what is in his heart; what his true feelings are for you. He may not even know himself. It sounds like your husband has some problems to overcome and needs more of the Lord in his life? Is he a Christian? There are many scriptures regarding the wife's responsibility to her husband. Let the Lord speak to you through his Word Cheermommy; pray to Him and ask Him to answer your questions and give you peace. Seek Him with all your heart and soul. You are worthy of being treated well by a loving husband, and God certainly wants that for you.<P>Yes, a man can change and become a decent husband. Very rarely does this happen without a transformation that can only come from the Lord. A stone cold heart can be warmed and transformed in an instant by our awesome God Cheermommy. I have seen evidence of this in my marriage, as well as my prayer partner's marriage. Only God could have brought about the changes in my marriage, my husband, and me. He is still working on my heart, and my husband though, and I'm sure always will be. <P>Karenna is right about not remarrying him if he is not a Christian. I believe that you would only endure more pain and heartache. Pray for your husband's salvation if he is not saved, and for the Lord to soften his heart. I believe that our God is a miracle maker, and that nothing is impossible for Him. <P>Pray about this with all your heart and watch in awe as the Lord works things out for you! Remember, the prayers of a righteous woman availeth much! God bless you.<P>Father, I thank You for your love, the protection and care you give us, and the grace and mercy You show us. Praise You Lord for the peace that You instill in our hearts. You are the Holy One, the name above all names, worthy of all praise and worship. Father, I lift up cheermommy to you, asking Lord that the Holy Spirit descend upon her, filling her to overflowing with Your peace, giving her Your wisdom. Lord, according to Your will, I ask for Your intervention in her life, and her husband's life. Cheermommy has said she still loves her husband. Even though they have divorced, I pray that if it is Your will for this couple to be together, that You would take control of this situation, and turn what Satan intended for evil into good, for Your glory. Thank You Lord for working in our lives, softening our hearts, and for bringing us together on this forum to be able to pray for one another. In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN

From an email I got today.... "We must focus all of our attentions on God and His will for our lives otherwise there will be NO peace.<P>By turning from selfish desire which is totally out of God's will to seeking His counsel through prayer and study which is totally in God's will... He blesses us <BR>and He preserves us with His peace in our primary relationships. With Him first, <BR>our spouse next, then our children <BR>and so on down the line! <P>When we are in God's will there is no longing for anything out of it. We are content and peaceful in all things. <P>If we are not peaceful and content then we are probably out of God's will. <P>How do we figure this all out? <BR>How am I to know the will of God? <P>First of all don't take my word for it. We go to the Bible. It is the source of all that is God's will." <P>When we step out in faith, He changes us into new people with renewed minds and then we want what He wants! <P>Some scriptures for you: <P>"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be<BR>weary, they shall walk and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31<P>Heb 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."<BR>Mark 9:23 "Jesus said unto him, if thou can believe all things are possible to him that believes"<P>Psalm 62:5 "My soul, wait only upon God, for my expectation is from Him"<P>Heb 10:23 "let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; for He is faithful that promised"<P>Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me"<BR> <BR>From eprayer.com daily inspirations: "In the midst of your darkest hour, there will always be one very bright ray of light. That is the promise of Christ. Lord, I place my trust in You and believe because You have given me Your Word."<P><BR>

Thank you so much. I really can't say enough how much it means to me to hear words of encouragement like that. I do pray and pray that someday my x will come to know and love the Lord. I realize that it is up to my x to want to change. I do hope and pray that even if we never work things out together that he will come to know Him. The Lord is what has gotten me through much of this pain and heartache. He has blessed me so much and shown me His incredible love and grace every single day. The Lord is my best friend. Thank you for praying for me. Cheermommy

Cheermommy, it is a blessing to pray for you! There are so many dear sisters in Christ on this site that pray and encourage each other, and I am so very thankful for that. Whenever I start to feel down, I come here and get lifted up and encouraged! Isn't God great for putting this forum together for us.<P>What I have been doing lately is praying specific prayers over my husband straight from the bible. I pray these every day. Here's a few examples (my husband is not saved yet):<P>For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in my husband David will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6 <P>"For my husband David has been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God....but the word of Lord stands forever." I Peter 1:23,25 AMEN<P>From Eph 5:<BR>For my husband David was once darkness, but now he is light in the Lord. David will Walk as children of light (for the fruit of the Spirit* is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth), finding out what is acceptable to the Lord. David will have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them And David will not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but is filled with the Spirit. <P>I believe that "David loves his wife, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her", in Jesus' name, AMEN<BR>

Thanks again. I stumbled onto this site yesterday. What a blessing it has already been to me. Ironically, my husbands name is David also. He is definitely not a believer and sometimes I wonder how I ever got together with him. This I do know, I have been separated for a year and a half and divorced for about 3 months. I pray every single day all day for my husband. There is something deep inside of me telling me that we will be together again someday and I hold onto that dearly. About 2 years ago I was at a low point in my life. Mostly because of my husbands poor choices he has made. Anyhow, my sister-in-law drug me to church one Sunday and had the Pastor pray for me. He prayed incredible things that he could not have known about my situation. Ever since that day my life has changed dramatically. I have to admit it has been an uphill climb. But through it all I have grown and been so incredibly blessed it is amazing. My x was fired from his very good job last week for inappropriate use of e-mail on the job. Most people I speak to tell me that I should be worried about my finances. But my faith in God has lead me to be very patient and calm. I know that God will take care of myself and my kids. Being a single parent is such a hard job. Sometimes I want to just cry because I work hard at my job and come home to everything to do. I have a daughter who is a cheerleader at the university she is attending and a daughter who is a cheerleader at her high school. Then I have 2 boys 7 and 8. It's a struggle sometimes running here and there. He never comes to take the kids like he should and quite honestly I am glad. He has a drinking, anger and drug problem. He is definitely not the man I dreamed of living the rest of my life with. But, I still love him and I believe that we were to be together until death do us part. That is what I can't seem to let go of. It's the way I believe and that is a hard thing to deal with. I just need encouragement and thank God I seem to be getting it here. Thank You!