I am struggling with my imminent divorce. I feel that I am doing God's will for my life by not giving up on my marriage. I keep thinking he will perform a miracle that will bring my H and me back together again. I try to think that he is working in my life whatever the outcome, but if he hates divorce so much, why isn't he intervening? OOOOH. I hate questioning him, but good grief, when does it stop!!??

Dear GSD, <P>I have been wondering the same thing lately. Two yr. after my h's one-nite stand, I am debating if we should be together.<P>I loved/love him, but I just don't trust him at all even in the small ways which destroys any "relationship".<P>I am hesitant as I have had prev. marriage and I don't want to leave because of the children (and they are grown!) or send my soul to Hates over this.<P>I am hoping someone has some answers for us both.<P>-help,please<BR>

God hates divorce, but loves divorced people. He can only do so much to soften a hard heart. I don't know your story, but mine is this: I was married to a man for 21 years and have 4 children with him. To this day I still love him dearly even though he has committed adultery many times over the years. The problem is he is a good person who does bad things. He divorced me. I have and continue to be a faithful wife even though I have been separated for 18 months and divorced for 3. I tried with everything I had to get him to stop the divorce. But much to my avail he wouldn't. He still wants to work things out with me but only at his convenience. I spent 26 years with this man in my life. We were high school sweethearts and I thought that I knew him. He had a poor example for parents and believe me I am not blaming it on them. But he has never known the Lord, and he doesn't have good values or morals. However, God doesn't close the door on a marriage for no reason. As I said He can only do so much to soften someone's heart. Even now I struggle with why. All along I have thought it was to bring my husband closer to Him. However, I think I have had it all wrong. I feel it was to bring me closer to Him. I watched a movie last evening called "28 Days". I learned something very important. I learned that in order for me to live right and follow Jesus I have to get rid of the bad stuff in my life, including the lifestyle my husband led and the impact his actions were doing to me as a human being. I do pray daily for him in hopes that we will be able to work things out. I still feel in my heart that we are meant to be together and maybe this time apart is a way for me to grow in the Lord. Hopefully, he will come to accept Jesus as his personal Savior as well. That is what I pray for more than anything.

So are you waiting for him to come back after three years?

I guess someone doesn't want this to be posted. So, I will try again.<P>I do believe that God hates divorce. "Malachi 2:16 is pretty explicit: "I the Lord, hate divorce." On the same page in my Bible is Malichi 3:6 "I the Lord do not change."<P>Take those two together and it is pretty clear.<P>I know also for me that this trial is about seeking God with all my heart.<P>In our sermon at chusrch today, the Pastor talked about the Lord as loving us as husband. One of the things he said was that "sin is not breaking the rules," but rather about "breaking Jesus' Heart."<P>The Lord loves us so much that He wants to be first in our lives. He saved us , has provided for us and loved us with unconditional, sacrificial love and it grieves Him when we put anything before Him. God wants me to seek him with the vigor and emotional investment I have put into trying to save my marriage. <BR>The Pastor used an illustration that is close to all our hearts on this forum. We have all experienced the pain associated with our husband's infidelity, separation, dovorce, and we know how devastating it is. Well, this is exactly how Jesus feels when we put anything or anyone before Him. Ouch!<P>I know that God spoke to me 5 years ago saying "put Me in the middle of your marriage." Therefore according to Phil 1:6 I have the promise that:<BR> "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Therefore I have to believe that He is still working in my marriage.<P>I also know that God is sovereign over evything, good and bad. Therefore I have to believe that He allowed this and it is still in His control. I also know that "in all things God for for the good of those who love Him. Romans 8:28.<P>If I put this all together it convinces me without a doubt that God does not want divorce, He has allowed this and will use it for my good, that He does not change His mind and that He will keep on perfecting me, my husband and our marriage. <P>I can trust God and as I see small glimpses of the changes in my husband, and the large changes He has worked in me, well, I know He is still working.<P>Why does it sometimes lead to divorce before He resurrects it? Sometimes I think like Lazarus He wanted to make a dramatic demonstration of His power to save, even when it seemed hopelessly dead. Sometimes He has to get all the pieces in line, thus we wait. Most of the times He just wants us to want Him and not for what He can do for us.<P> I do not pretend to know the mind of God on our problems. I just know that I can trust Him. That He continues to break down my strongholds making me more like Him. That He continues to work in me in ways I never imagined. He is building my faith and I see where He is working in my husband's heart.<P>I just know that at this point my place is to seek Him and His righteousness and all else will be added. Mathew 6:33. That I am to wait and to be still and Know that He is God! Psalm 46:10.<P>God loves me so much that He will go to the ends of everything to have a relationship with me, and my husband. He does not give up on me. Therefore I will not give up on Him or my husband. If I was to walk away from this relationship or to date, just because my husband has a gf. Then I am saying to everyone and myself and most of all to God, I don't believe that You can do what You promise. I am saying I give up on You, Lord.<P>The Lord, wants me to give up on myself and come to the end of myself. He wants me to trust Him and to let go and let Him work only. In the mean time I am to seek Him with all my heart, my soul and mind. Dwell with Him in His word, and His fellowship. To pray and to be open to His working in my life.<P>I too could find it difficult to trust my h in the furure, but I will not worry about that or let that impede my relationshp with my h. Because I trust Him who sent His Son to atone for my sins and saved me.<P>The whisperings of satan tell you not to trust your h. The whisperings of satan tells us that we deserve better. The evil of our flesh and the agents in the world delght in telling us lies and delight when we listen to them. We can only counter them by being in God's word and applying it to our lives.<P> Stay away from those that tell you, you are nuts to be waiting, or that you are crazy to believe that your marriage can be restored, or that you will not ever be able to trust your h.<P>Instead believe in Him who loved you first. Who loves your husband. Who does not give up on you or your h, and waits patiently even when we turn our backs, or we don't seek Him each day. He is faithful when we are not. His nature allows Him to be no other way.<P>That is not to say that the way is easy. But He is with us always and He never abandons us or leaves us. He is always walking beside us even when we don't feel His presence. That is where faith comes in. And faith is obedience and without faith it is impossible to please God. Heb 11:6<P>Seek Him this day and allow Him to guide you, love you. Allow Him to fill all the empty places inside you that long to be filled. You're feeling lonely, vulnerable and so hurt as your h is away in mind and person. Jesus longs to be our husband and to love His bride. He is waiting, are you? <P>I also know that at those times that I feel the most empty and when friends seem scarse, that that is God's doing. Because at these times I am most willing to cry out for Him. He allows these empty times to get our attention, to draw us closer to Him. He says, "Come closer to me and I will come closer to you." James 4:8.<P>People of the world, your friends, family and even some pastors will tell you many things, and give you lots of advice, but will they tell you of a love so great, such as Jesus' love for you! If they don't then their words are not to be trusted because the enemy is using them to cause you to doubt and to worry. Jesus' love is real and it sustains and fills like nothing else. <P>Wait expectantly in His word and wait for God's best for you. Pray for each other and seek fellowship with others that seek Him also.<P>This forum is a great support. There are some very wise women who are suffering in many ways, but yet God sustains them and they share their insights and encouragement, which has really helped me to stay where God wants me to be. <P>Welcome to all of you, i hope you will be a regular participant with us.. God Bless.<P><p>[This message has been edited by hw (edited October 01, 2000).]

HW thanks for the words of encouragement. I like the others have wondered, how long do I wait? I have been waiting only 20 months and I know my h is confused and not rushing into filing for a divorce and also not wanting to work on reconciliation. I have my first appt. with Steve Harley on Wed. this week, I pray that with the sound advise of MB and from this forum... I will make the right decisions, I will draw closer to God and become the person He wants me to be and in the meantime, God will work on my h. I've believed in God almost all of my life but haven't had a relationship with Him. I DO think I had to come to the end of myself to finally let Him in. <P>To ALL of my Sisters in Christ, I pray for our continuing peace and grace while we wait. I pray for our growing relationship with the ONE who loves us no matter what and I pray that we call on Him during the alone times and during the good times. IJN Laurie

I am still confused. So is it God's will that even after divorce, we wait for our husbands to return to us, and if they do not, we should "suffer in the Lord?" I am 28 years old and cannot imagine living a celibate, lonely life pining away for a man who believes it was a mistake to marry me. Could someone please help me understand?

gsd,<P>I'm looking for answers too. I am 29 years old with no children, the divorce is scheduled to be final on October 13th and I have been trying to understand what God expects of me. I know I'm praying within His will to STOP the divorce, but have seen no answers in the last 7 months since we separated. It scares me because when I read my Bible it says that marrying again while he is still living is adultery, which "thou shalt not", so I don't know what I am supposed to do. I'd like to think a loving God would not want me to give up my dreams for children and a family because my husband chooses not to work on our marriage, but His word says otherwise and that terrifies me. Am I really suppose to remain single and lonely for the rest of my life?? Or until a man I don't even know anymore, who obviously does not love me, decides he wants to come back??<p>[This message has been edited by city girl (edited October 02, 2000).]

Dear gsd and city girl,<P>Yes, <B><I>"it God's will that even after divorce, we wait for our husbands to return to us, and if they do not, we should "suffer in the Lord?' "</B></I> <P>HW is right on. Many people will tell you otherwise; in fact, my pastor's wife tells me the same thing..."maybe it's time to move on...and some day you'll find a godly man." I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I told her exactly what I believe on the subject (basically hw's post). I don't hold any bad feelings towards her...she is confusing the word of God with the way of the world. Many Christians are doing that. We've accepted divorce and remarriage. We've accepted it and basically taken it out of the "sin" category because it's so prevalent, and because the god of today's world is our own personal happiness. <P>God's word cannot be watered down to fit today's world...the strong, take-no-sh*t type of woman who will kick some b*tt if she's mistreated. Yes, it's hard...at 28 or 29, or in my case 44. I been soooo lonely since my H moved out last January...a kind of loneliness I've never felt before. No, I don't want to go thru my life without a companion either. I don't want to grow old alone (no kids). But I have to believe God's word and walk in it. The other option is to go my own way and make God in "my own image"...in otherwords, fit Him into the philosophy of the world today. Take bits and pieces of God's word to fit my situation. Nowhere in the Bible does it say "the will of the Lord is that you be happy." Nowhere does it say, "I have divorce; but if you're lonely and unhappy, then okay...go ahead and remarry." <P>However it does say, "Happy are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled." "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." So instead of looking at God's word (which, by the way, should terrify you with the fear of the Lord), as a "rule" to be followed, despite the difficulty, remember "the Kingdom of God is righteousness, peace and joy." Peace?? Joy?? Is that true? Well, is it? Do you believe it? Either God's word is true, both now and always, or it isn't. It's up to you. <P>I visit a site... <A HREF="http://www.rejoiceministries.org" TARGET=_blank>www.rejoiceministries.org</A> ....started by a couple who's marriage was restored after divorce. They have some very good resources that might help you. I get their daily devotional in my e-mail every day...it's always good food for thought and helps me to remember to stand...stand on my belief in God and in His word.<P>It really is up to you. I've tried over and over in the past months, to make the "remarriage" case...in my own mind. According to the Bible, I have "grounds" for a divorce. But that is not God's will and I know it. Divorce was permitted because of the hardness of man's hearts. I don't want a hard heart...I want a soft heart, open to God's highest and best for me. I truely don't think I could be happy any other way. No, I don't want to be alone anymore than anyone else...however, "the gate is small and narrow is the road that leads to life, and only a few find it"....I want to be a woman who finds that gate and walks thru it.<P>My prayers are with you. I suggest you print off HW's response and read it in your quiet times. God has used her mightly in this post...she's really gotten to the crux of the question.<P>May God give you wisdom.<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P><B><I>"I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" (Jeremiah 32.27)</B></I>

For all those still questioning, in case you don't know much about me, and think i might be posting the ideal. My h met his ow 5+ years ago. A year ago he moved out. They are not living together, but she visits about a week a month. Though i don't know for sure i think she is in town now, and it seems like more than a week this time. But God has me in a place where He is saying, "wait, wait, pray and stay in me. Seek Me with all your heart."<P>He doesn't want me to say a thing about the re;ationshi (I have done that for 5 years), He wants me to seek Him. He has been breaking down strongholds in me. He has been drawing me cloer and closer to HIm. I still certainly have my struggles, in fact the on slought of spiritual attacks seems to be getting worse. But i recognize it for what it is and just try to praise my Lord through it. And it does get better.<P>As Mrs. O said, We do have Biical grounds to divorse our h's, but the Bible says it allows it, as Mrs, O pointed out, He does not want us thogh to take that course. He allowed that law for those who had hardened hearts. But even if we do have grounds for it, No where that i am aware of does it say we should, could remarry a more Christian man. It says we must remain single or go back to our husbands. So either way.<P>But ladies, the Lord wants you to come to Him and have a relationship with Him. He is crying out for your attention. He wants to give you more of Himself. When you seek Him with all your hearts, those lonely spaces inside get filled and you don't feel so lonely. He provides for all your needs. He takes away the sadness. He longs to be your husband during this time. He longs to love you and to have you love Him.<P>Jesus has done so much for each and everyone of us. The Lord wants us only to love Him and seek Him. He isn't asking us to do anything more, than that.<P>I too know the lonliness, but I also know the power of my Lord to fill my heart with His love , that takes away the feelings on lonliness and leaves me contented to be where God has placed me for the moment.<P>It is not always easy, but it is so fulfilling. It fulfills me better than anything this earth has to offer. Then in the Lord's time when He is finished working through me and my h, He will reunite us. He will have worked out the kinks and brought us together in a better and new relationship with Him in the middle. I will wait on Him.<P>It is tempting to tke things into our own hands. It is easy to become discouraged and impatient waiting for God's best for you. But His ways are not our ways, but His ways are so much better than our ways. We just have to get to the point where we can move out of His way and give Him room to work, and yes more than a day or two. I am guilty of all these things, but over the last 5 years He has shown me, that His way truly is the best.<P>Mrs. O gave you one web site. Another ne is <A HREF="http://www.restorem.com" TARGET=_blank>www.restorem.com</A> This women went through what we are going through. She too was divorsed from her h and then the Lord, changed her h's heart and they are remarried and had 3 more children. She has several books. I got the one about women (basically her first one I think) It is great. It talks about all thee issues and gives you tons of scripture to hold onto.<P>Father, I lift these women up, all of us. Lord show them Your will for their lives. Lord help them to discern Your truths on this subject. Help them to go to the source, the Bible to find out what Your truth is, rather than listen to friends or others. Lord lead them in Your path, and give them the desires of their hearts. In Jesus name.<P>To add one more thing. God isn't so much concerned about Your happiness, because it doesn't work toward anything eternal, but He does care whether you are holy, pure and seeking Jesus, that works toward the eternal. So the queston is do you only want the immediate, your happiness, or do you set your eyes on things eternal, things that are lasting. Jesus died for you and loves you so much.

Thanks, HW. You can always say things in such a more refined way than I can...I too am being told by God to draw near to Him, to seek Him and to wait. Very specifically...to wait. I don't know what that means for my future, but I want to do it regardless.<P>By the way...the Restore Ministries site is <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>www.restorem.org</A> - not "com." I've made that same mistake too.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Dear Ladies,<P>If I might add, that Erin, from Restore Ministries,who wrote"How God Can and Will Restore your Marriage", has a seven video series called"Be Encouraged", that I have found especially helpful.<BR> They have stopped me from making any more blunders than I already had in the past,in trying too hard to get ahead of God and to restore my marriage on my own.<P>We must be patient and wait on His perfect timing.<P>I am staying out of God's way as He works on healing my marriage.He doesn't need my help, just my praises of Him,my obedience,and faith that He is in control of this situation and is working everything out for the good.<P>(We have been separated since the end of March- our house sold immediately in May-the closing was 8 weeks later, and and I have had my own place since July.<BR>Other than that,everything is the same.)<P>Also, if I might add that the other one mentioned- Rejoice Ministries- (Bob and Charlyne)- will be bringing"Rejoice on the road" to the Atlanta(Smyrna, GA) area on Thursday,October 12th from 7-10pm.(I believe at no cost.)For more information, you can call(954)941-6508.<BR> <BR>I am looking forward to attending.<P>(They also have lots of audio tapes. available.)<P>I am praying for you.<P>Jn<P>"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for,<BR>The evidence of things not seen."(Heb11:1)<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Joynicole (edited October 02, 2000).]

joynicole,<BR>It is great to hear from you. I often think about you and pray for you. Our journeys have had similar elements. I hope you will stay in touch more. I am sorry there is no movement, but waiting is what God wants us to do sometimes, and seek Him. To me that is the important element. He has really taken me on a journey and broken down strongholds, opened my eyes to getting to the end of myself, and He practically puts His hand over my mouth if I try to say anything. <P>I don't know if it has happened to you, but at the same time this has all been going on the battle in the mind seems to have intensified. So, I try to recognize it and praise and pray to God. He is awesome, how He works in our lives. <P>I pray that you are feeling a little more at ease these days. It does take a while. I know on the anniversary of the day that my h left, I looked back and realized how much i had grown and what a different place God has me in a year later.<P>Good to hear from you!

Hw and Mrs. O, I agree. You both said all that I would say and more. God wants us to live for Him, to put Him first before all things and all others, and to live according to His commandments. He has been working on me for quite some time on becoming a more godly, submissive wife. I know that He is working on me first before bringing my husband to salvation, so that I will be the kind of wife he needs and God intends for me to be. <P>Every day He reveals more things I need to change in me, and that I need to stop focusing on the negative things in my husband. God is dealing with him on that and he doesn't need my help! <P>Over the last couple of months the Lord has shown me evidence of his hand in my husband's life. It has been a year now and I get overwhelmed with tears of joy when I think about the things God has done and is doing. I thank Him for the glimpses of what He is doing and pray that He will give each of you a glimpse of what He has in store for you. He has great things planned for each of us.... we just have to stop trying to "fix" things and do things ourselves, and let Him handle everything. His will is perfect.<P>

Thanks AW,<P>It's been almost a year for me also. I look back on this year and realized that even now, God is showing me things about myself that He wants to change. I too have to take my mind/eyes off of my circumstances, hopes and dreams and keep them on the Lord. I know I've changed in some ways, but I also know God wants to do more with me before my marriage can be made whole.<P>gsd and city girl....haven't heard back from either of your regarding what you think of these posts...what do you guys think?<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P><BR>I pray that each of us can learn to keep our eyes on the Lord, today and everyday.

Mrs. O and HW,<P>I appreciate your replies, it is just such a hard thing to accept, I hate feeling out of control and counting on someone else to change my situation, I know, who better to have in control (God), but I want to see some action. I want to KNOW that He is working and WILL heal my marriage. I don't think I am strong enough to believe my husband will come back after we are divorced, my faith isn't that strong. And I hate knowing that I cannot remarry or even date because of the decisions made by my husband.<P>But I believe that it was God who led me to this site, and to the other things I've been reading about His restoration powers in marriages. I have even had weird coincidences that I thought were signs from God that He will heal my marriage. I put a lot of hope in those things and as I get closer to D-Day, I feel like God let me build up my hope and is letting me down. <P>My sister who is a christian couselor has been telling me for months that I need to let go, not let go and let God, just accept it is over. I know I'm not supposed to bash my husband, but I honestly don't think he is "man" enough to admit he was wrong and have to face me and my family. I am not sure what God can do here, my husband has completely justified this in his head and believes he made a mistake in marrying me, not in walking out of his commitment. He feels he is right because neither of us were happy with how the relationship was going, he just choose to walk away from the problems and start over with someone else, instead of looking for solutions. <P>My situation looks so hopeless, and I know God is able, (I don't completely buy "freewill", because His word says, He turns the king's heart which ever way He chooses). My pastor also said in a sermon that only God can change a heart. I want to see His power work.<P>I have reached the point were I am so discouraged I have a hard time praying for my marriage anymore. I know God is more patient than me, because the story about the judge who granted the women's request because she kept asking and bugging him, I kept hoping God was getting as sick of hearing me ask, as I am of asking.<P>I also understand what you are saying that I should seek Him, but I am having a hard time finding Him. I don't "feel" Him, I sure don't feel like I'm being carried through this, I feel like I am crawling. When I don't see answers to my prayers, but read so much about what He did in other marriages, it feels like he is not hearing me or that I am not good enough. <P>What an awful place to be.<P>Thank you for all your replies and prayers.<p>[This message has been edited by city girl (edited October 03, 2000).]

I know I haven't shared much of my story, but I was just reading on Siftedlikewheat's thread (Need Prayers Also) and it is so much like my story. My husband has a weak father, a very bad example of a marriage relationship with his parents, they are still married but have been emotionally divorced for years, his mother is very controlling and my husband has not "cut the cord" from her, he even told me that she comes first before me, and he has an over responsible wife who took care of everything, he did not have to take responsibility for anything, I was definitely the giver in the relationship and had a few LB's when he started taking more and more and not giving anything, so he left. <P>And the kicker is I don't see him feeling any consequences for this choice, he gets to keep our house, keep his job, has a girlfriend to meet his needs and I am the one left to pick up the pieces. I am living with my parents because I took a part-time job after we got married so we were ready to start a family and have not found a full-time job yet even though I've been looking for 6 months. I am a CPA and should be able to find work but have been unable (trying to trust God that he has a plan here). I tried to get maintenance from my husband because of my limited finances and was denied twice (again-no consequences to him for his decision-I pay for trusting him). <P>How am I to believe my husband will finally take responsibility for his choices and our relationship?? God has a lot of work to do I know I did not properly set boundaries, but how do you do that in a way where I don't pay for the consequences of his decisions too?? If he doesn't follow through on what he tells me he'll do, it costs me. <p>[This message has been edited by city girl (edited October 03, 2000).]

city girl, <BR>I hear your discouragement, and my heart goes out to you, because I was much where you were a couple of years ago. <BR>No one can tell you what to do, and when it seems dark it really seems dark. But I believe that when it is that dark, God is calling us all the harder.<P> Sometimes He has to remove the noise so we can hear Him calling. That has been my experience. It happens every so often. I find myself alone and feeling like there is no one there for me. But then I recall that He is always there, whether I feel it or not. The affirmation that He is there comes after I take the step to trust that He is. I return to Him by reading the Word, praising Him and just talking with Him. If it is an especially challenging time, and I can't even praise Him, I read the Psalms and praise Him with His own words. <P>God lives in our praises. Usually the more I praise Him the closer I feel. But I don't always feel Him there at first, but in a day or so, I do. I usually have a good cry with Him. He wipes my tears and I am in His arms again. My faith is built and I am stronger and the next time and with quicker reflexes, I know what I need to do when the enemy comes knocking on my door.<P>This journey has lasted so long for me, that sometimes I do get discouraged, but I remember who is causing those doubts and again I turn to my Lord and He meets me where I am. <P>Some christian friends have cautioned me to remember my h has free will, but if that is the case then I don't think any of us would be saved. As you pointed out, scripture says He can turn hearts. My family and even my oldest daughter think I am crazy. But in the end I know there is only one person I need to please and want to please, and that is my Lord.<P>I can tell you that the fact that your h has not cut the strings with his family is one of the problems. And it doesn't sound like that is changing. So I would suspect until God is able to get a hold of him he will repeat his patterns. <P>I know the heartache is tremendous for you. But I know myself that when I stop thinking about the circumstances and keep my eyes on God, my whole assessment of the situation changes. My hope is restored, and I feel better.<P>I am praying for you. I am praying that you will recognize the Lord's working in your life and your husband's. I pray that God increases your faith and trust in Him. The Bible is full of His promises, I pray you seek them out. Make a step toward the Lord, and He will take two toward you.<BR>The story of the blind men who came to Him helped me to look at the situation in a new way. Jesus asks them what they want from Him. He knows what they want, but like so many other situations He asks them to state their desires. Why does He do this? Because He wants to see what they believe He can do for them. He is testing their faith. And if you notice, Jesus always says, "your faith has healed you"<P>City girl, God is there, although you think He is far away. He wants you to want Him as much and more than you desire to restore your marriage. I say let go, but let God. When you let go you are putting it in God's hands.<P>Keep joining us and leaning on these wonderful ladies.<P>In Jesus name I am praying for you.

Thanks HW,<P>Your worth is far above rubies. <P>I wish finding God didn't feel so much like "trying to smell the color nine".<P>