oops, sorry,<BR>It's not that good.<BR>Thought I had been booted out in the middle of the post! see other "Devistation"<P><BR>Wrote this the first week after I found out about the OW. Thought I would share for no particular reason than to express the fact that we all know how it feels...<P>Devastation<P>-when you think you know someone and you find out your don't<BR>-when you think you can trust someone and find out you can't<BR>-when you think you love someone and find out it was an illusion you loved.<BR>-when you are alone half of your life and find out you have been alone the whole time.<BR>-when you think you have another's loyalty, affection and unconditional acceptance and find out you don't<BR>-when you think you can make someone happy and find out you can't<BR>when you make conscious efforts to please you partner and find out you can't<BR>-when you think your sexual encounters with your mate are unique and special and find out they are not.<BR>-when you don't want to give up but fear you are a fool if you don't.<P>I want to address two of the statements made here. If you have read any of my responses to others on this forum, you must have noticed that my atitudes suggest that I am trying to make the H happy and please him, so he will love me. That used to be the way I looked at it. We CANNOT make someone else feel happy or pleased. Those feelings come from within, and no matter how hard you try to manipulate another's feelings, the untimate control of emotions is within the other self. We each choose how we feel.<BR>Now, the efforts and actions I take toward my husband are not motivated by a desire to change his feelings toward me, but by a desire to express my feelings toward him. ie. he likes my hair long, I grow it long, not because I want him to love me for it, but because I want him to know I love him. do you follow. If he does not get the message, that is his problem. I will be at peace knowing I am acting out of love.<P>Much of the pain expressed in this poem, still exists for me.<BR>I no longer trust him (Dr. H says that is a good thing!)<BR>I did not know the H very well, but know him so much better now.<BR>I did love an illusion, but can now focus on reality!<BR>I will always be hurt that the loyalty, affection and unconditional acceptance of me, by H did not fit the fairy-tale description of "happily ever after", but now my own loyalty, affection and unconditional acceptance toward him is what is important.<BR>I thought our sexual encounters were no longer unique or special, because of his infidelity, now I know the unique and specialness does exist because it happens between us.<BR>I still hope I am not a fool.<p>[This message has been edited by Pilot's wife (edited August 22, 1999).]

hi pw, i have not read your other posts but am assuming that your h had serial affairs due to the nature of his career? My h has a similar situation-no he is not a pilot, but travels overseas a lot. If you address a note here to patience, she may be able to give you some insight regarding her h and his airline career/affairs. <BR>No, trust is not a good idea at this point. I absolutely agree. It will come, but takes some time and you have to make the conscious choice that it is the right time for you to trust again. You will know when it is time. Maybe soon, maybe years away. It is such a personal issues. I chose to trust my h because I was making myself crazy with worry about his activities. He was overseas, and I was literally ill from the stress. I made the choice to trust him so I could get on with my own life, so I could feel good and be happy! <BR>Some say trust has to be earned. While that may be the way for some, it is not necessaily the way for all of us. Having a spouse that travels makes this hard-almost an unreasonable expectation on our end. I made my limits known and plan to stick to them. If h crosses those lines, he is out of my life! It is pretty simple, huh?! He needs to get control and stay in control because I will not risk my health, nor that of my children, because he cannot keep his pants on. When put to him that way, he understood completely. He knows that I do follow through, that I stay the course, so there is little doubt in his mind what will happen!<BR>Maybe this is another example of tough love combined with plan a?