My whole life has felt surreal lately. The stress is real from all sides and with my physical state, I have had to assess my feelings by listening to others around me that I trust. My co-workers are stressed to the limit and have concerns about the failure of the business (in my job, I have access to more concrete evidence and if it survives, it will be because God intervenes). My m-i-l says my H is worse in his reactions. He has only called me between 2 and 4 in the morning. Not a good time for me to hold a lucid conversation as I have to get up around 5 to get ready for work. He is angry. His birthday is coming up this weekend. He called to tell me that a former girlfriend invited him to a football game for his birthday on Saturday and since it is his birthday he wants to spend it in a way he will enjoy. He then proceeded to tell me that I failed him by owning a house and being tied to a job. To compound his hurt, I refuse to just cut all ties and follow him. Same old conversation and one that I have shared here before. I told him that I did not see how I could change anything I had done to disappoint him in the past and that it appeared that I had little control over changing how he felt now. He agreed and said that I needed to just get on with my life. This was hard to take and of course I had to cry once the conversation was over. I know he called to intentionally hurt me, there was no other point to the conversation. He wanted me to know he had a date this weekend....told me how wonderfully they got along in high school, etc. There was no reason to tell me all of this except to hurt me. The end result of the conversation was that he wanted to be free and I said that I would resptect that. My heart is broken, I know that my emotional strength is low now as it has only been 2 weeks since the miscarriage, but I also know this would hurt no matter what. I put it all in God's hands. On top of it all, I went to pick up my car yesterday and the business owner was giving off those signals. He asked me if my H wasn't afraid he would lose me? I am needy for the attention, but I know I am way too vulnerable right now. I came to that old bottom line conclusion that I seem to arrive at regularly anymore - "I don't have the answer to what to do with the problems in my life and I have to ask God to even help me to make up my mind as to what I want". I recognize more than ever before that God is my lifeline and that he is preserving me through all of this. I know in my heart that whatever strength, ability, courage, and life I have left in me is only because God is supplying me these things moment by moment. I have never felt so depleted. I have always been an independent, intelligent, strong, and happy person. I always kept going, even in the face of adversity, but God has allowed the circumstances in my life to bring me to this point of personal weakness and now my only hope is for him to supply me his strength. I am praying that God will give me an abundant life, that after he has molded me by this current season, that his joy would return to my life. I pray that he will teach me how he wants me to be obedient to him and that he will guide me in my decisions. I have no thoughts about what I want in my life at this moment, only feelings that come over me and cause me to shed tears. Please pray for me. I feel especially vulnerable at this moment.

onedayatatime,<P>I am so sorry for the hurt you are experiencing right now. Sometimes it seems like the pain is never-ending. I certainly will be praying for you.<P>As I read your post in spite of the sorrow you are going through you communicate such deep trust for God and perspective. It is very rare for one to be able to see the forest when they are surrounded by trees. You seem to be doing that and in my perspective God is so obviously at work in your life.<P>Father, give comfort to this sister. May she be surrounded with Your peace. Reach down from the heavenlies and place her in the shadow of Your presence. Help her to continue to look to You to meet her needs and give her Your wisdom. You have said You will tell us to turn to the right or the left, this Your daughter needs direction. Fill her with Your love and grace. IJN<P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18

{{{{{{{{{{{{oneday}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I really feel for you. I pray that something good happens to you this weekend. You need a break!

Dear Taj and Lonesome Heart: Thank you for praying for me, it means so very much as God tells us that the prayer of agreement is powerful. Taj, I believe that the words you prayed were from a scripture in Isaiah....the part about telling us to turn to the right or the left. I have been praying for peace so that I can hear his still small voice of direction. I do know that when I have peace about a decision, that the Lord is truly directing me. I can only trust in him right now as I have no answers. My H did call yesterday and offered that he had not given up all hope in putting things back together someday, but I am praying that the Lord truly does his will in my life. My H spent the night with his new "old" friend last night and took our daughter with him. My m-i-l prayed for her that she would not be confused or harmed by her father's actions. I can't begin to understand his actions and only God knows his heart. I only know that I want something better in my life. I did tell my H yesterday, that he needed to work on "us" if he wanted to make this family work. He told me that I needed to sell my house and get a room somewhere until we worked things out. He said that I could always get an apartment if he decides that he doesn't want to work things out. I do not feel any peace in making these sacrifices for him if everything is a "maybe" and especially if he is beginning another relationship. I just do not have the strength to continue to fight for this relationship. The battle has to be the Lord's now, if our marriage is to be restored. My sorrow is great for my daughter's sake as a broken home can never be God's "best" for her. But, I also see that a home that is not together in God's way will never be God's best either. I still hope for God's intervention in my life, for him to rescue me from what is happening in my life. I am believing that he is working as he does not forsake us, he hears our prayers, and loves us with an abundance of grace and mercy.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He told me that I needed to sell my house and get a room somewhere until we worked things out. He said that I could always get an apartment if he decides that he doesn't want to work things out. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>While he does what? (??@%#$@??) Is he suggesting that he stay in the house with your daughter while you pay for it all plus a place of your own? I hope I'm misreading this!<P>

Lonesome Heart: My H wants me to get rid of the house period. He will continue living with him Mom. He wants me to be able to relocate with him when he decides to do so (if he decides to do so). He has a problem with all of my encumbrances: job, older children, house, etc. He does not have a home of his own (I bought the house before we met...on my own, no former H's/SO's involved with it to cause hard feelings). He also has not worked since last February and then for just a short time. He has been here for the week and other things are also a problem. He stated that he thinks it is all right for him to date others as long as his heart belongs to one....says it is different for guys. I pointed out several flaws with this philosophy. Anyway, I truly do not know the answer, but my heart has been leaning towards just telling him that I can't do this anymore.

oneday,<BR>I think my response needs a disclaimer first. I'm not well versed in Bible matters. I'm clumsy at prayers and maybe not even sincere. I just want my life to be better, and I'm willing to give prayers a try. I like coming here because it surrounds me with people who are a good influence. Meanwhile, I'm in a "test drive" mode on the prayer scene -- thinking about buying into it but still undecided. <P>Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, my response is perhaps harsh. Oneday, give that man what he wants. Give him his freedom. Meanwhile, place boundaries around yourself to keep out everything he does that you find unacceptable. I hate to say it, but I think this man is going to get boundaried right out of your life! <P>I just said a prayer for God to give you a warm fuzzy. Since I'm in test drive mode, I've observed that only my small scale prayers get answered (like my dead garage door opener working just one more time please). I hope you receive it loud and clear. You deserve happiness, oneday. don't settle for anything less than that.<P>

Thank you lonesome,<BR>you just made me laugh!!<P>

{{{{{{{{lonesome and onedayatatime}}}}}}}}}<P>Yes Boundaries are very very important. Isn't it funny how we woman identify ourselves based on what others think about us? Including our H's. We get caught up with other's validating us to determines how we feel about ourselves. When we allow others to effect us or have us question our own identities we therefor give these people our personal power.<P>You must set boundaries "oneday"! If we don't we then build these strongholds or walls around ouselves to protect us from ever feeling that way again. What these strongholds do, unfortunately, is define who we are and that's unhealthy.<P>As for praying "lonesome" - I found it very intimidating when reading other's, articulate and profound, prayers that I thought mine were too simple. I've since learned that God just want's conversation. However simple it is. He want's his children to ask, that's all.... JUST ASK!<P>I'm still such a baby Christian and learning from many elders but hope to one day be able to pray like many here at MB.<P>My prayers are with you both....<P>xxoo BabyDoll<P>------------------<BR>"...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on, toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14<P>BabyDoll

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>As for praying "lonesome" - I found it very intimidating when reading other's, articulate and profound, prayers that I thought mine were too simple. I've since learned that God just want's conversation. However simple it is. He want's his children to ask, that's all.... JUST ASK!<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I do I do. Both my marriage and my financial life have been teetering on a bankruptcy state over a year now. I suppose having my roof over my head at this moment is a prayer answered in itself, but I really need (and want) more. Everything around me is on the brink of collapse. Last week I just felt like giving up. Declare bankruptcy, liquidate everything I own, and go my separate way from my H. That's really not what I want though. But I'm mentally trying to let go of my burdens, trying to set down my H's burdens that I've been carrying for him. But financially our burdens are together, and when I set his burden down, it just sits there unattended!!! It chaps my hide! I don't know what to do, and it makes me feel like my prayers aren't being answered. <P>For one thing, I pray to keep my stress level under control. I feel so cornered financially that it really depresses me to the point I can barely function. I hate this. I know it's only money, but it affects me so much more because I feel like a huge failure. I feel like I should be able to turn to my H for help, or at least be able to talk about what bothers me. I'm very much alone in this marriage. Like oneday's H, my H might get boundaried right out of MY life too. I've made so many mistakes. I can see that now. I'm praying to salvage my situation, but I'm still waiting... <P>I thank God for this forum. I pray for onedayatatime to find peace. I pray for a fiscal miracle to whisk me away from financial ruin. Believe me, I NEED a miracle! and I need it now.

Hi my sisters<P>Sorry I haven't been more of a support for you all lately. you are in my prayers....and yes, just conversations with God who knows exactly what I am going through and loves me anyway with all my flaws and inadequacies. James tells us that if we lack wisdom, we just have to ask and he will give it to us, believing that he will go just that! He is not the liar, the evil one is.<P>I guess I am discovering that boundaries may include letting everything go and trusting Him for it all. As of today, the bondage has been that if I moved to the roof, then the marriage would be totally gone and there would be no chance for reconcilliation. I see now where the evil one has kept me on bondage in this regard. My move out of the house will be one of love, of hope and of trust that God will work in my marriage in a way that i could not have imagined. If my H makes a different choice, then I have to trust that God still prevails in all things and I will have to see what it was that He wants me to do next. My needs are small, have puter will travel. The work I do can be done anywhere. I could stand to lose a pound or two so not eating might be a good thing for me. Above all, He is my strength and my joy and no one or thing can take that from me.<P>Praying for all of you!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SueB:<BR><B>I guess I am discovering that boundaries may include letting everything go and trusting Him for it all.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Oh my Darling.... you sound so discouraged. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize things had gotten so challenging lately. Did you receive my testimony that I sent you called "A Journey from Hurt to Healing" through email? You helped me to get through and I want to be here for you!<P>I too, have left it all up to him. I bind my will to His everyday on my way to work. I had too. It's was that or a breakdown. It has brought me such peace and serenity. Also having the Blessed Virgin to intercede my prayers for me and She has blessed me by having many of them answered. As you did for me, I will now pray harder FOR YOU!<P>Please talk to me trough email my "Angel sent from God"... xxoo<P><P>------------------<BR>"...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on, toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14<P>BabyDoll

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My move out of the house will be one of love, of hope and of trust that God will work in my marriage in a way that i could not have imagined. If my H makes a different choice, then I have to trust that God still prevails in all things and I will have to see what it was that He wants me to do next. My needs are small, have puter will travel. The work I do can be done anywhere. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't have a puter that travels, but methinks I'm not far behind you SueB on your current path. I still have faith things will work out for the best. I'm just not sure that "what's best" is what I want at the moment.

Dear Lonesome Heart and all. Thank you for your prayers. I have been offline for a few days. Lonesome Heart, I have gained one beautiful thing from all of my heartache and that is a trust in God to work things out in my life. Sometimes it is almost a relief to realize that it is all way to big for me to handle and that I have to turn it over to our Father. I feel as you do, prayer is simply communication with our Father. I have been reading some very good things on prayer and believe it to be a very powerful force. I know this from the many answers to prayers that I have received. Some were simple, some were big, and some were even trivial. My m-i-l tells me that we can never go wrong by praying scripture, even in reminding God of his promises. I also know that sometimes we just need that heart to heart talk with the Father (and he knows our hearts so honesty or communication failure is not an issue). I am heartened to see the people here on this forum turning to our Father and coming to his throne on the behalf of others. That is God's love at work and such a precious thing. Lonesome Heart, you are right about setting boundaries. I have been praying for God to reconstruct my life as he would have it be. The pressures continue to mount and I truly have tried to pray for direction. I know that direction is given when decisions are followed by peace. I have set some boundaries with my H this week. I know that his hope is in being helped by God and I truly believe that God is working. My m-i-l voiced this certainty to me earlier this week and it is my feeling as well. I am unsure what God's plan is, but I know that it will be for my good. I can trust in this as it is his promise. My H is bipolar and his emotions and reactions are not "normal". He is intelligent, but it is as though he does not control his thoughts or emotions at times and the result is a turbulent roller coaster ride. He says things he doesn't mean, does things he does not think out, and has emotions that are often not rooted in reality. All in all, I know that my help is from the Lord and that he will help me to cope with it all. My H has talked about moving back home this week. No consistency and sometimes in exasperation and confusion, I want to ask the real man to "please stand up". It is in God's hands, however I did feel led to tell him this week, that I am not able to abide his ideas about "other women" and that I would make the choice to work at being his friend and nothing else if that were to continue to be his choice. Now it is in God's hands....and I am trusting that he will continue to see me through all of this. My love and prayers to all of you, Lonesome Heart, I want to encourage you to trust in God to see you through all that seems impossible to you. When my H and I separated 3+ years ago, my finances were in dire straits. He has helped me to turn things around. I just paid all my payments and still have grocery money left. I have to admit that I still do not see how he saw me through, but I do recognize that there were unexpected and unknown blessings that showed up. All I had to do was trust in God and in reality, that is all that I could do. I know he can and will help you. You are on the right track by seeking him. As others share there heartache here on this forum, I can relate to so very many of the things that others are going through. I still have heartaches, sorrows, unmet needs, and the pressure is incredible, but God has never forsaken me. In looking back at this nightmare, I see his hand upon my circumstances, his unconditional love, his ever present care and I am so very grateful for it. I am grateful that today, my anger is gone, my heart is not bitter, and I still have hope. This is God and I know it. My love and prayers will be with you all, too.