My husband had a year long affair with a younger married woman. He ended the affair because he knew that their marriage wouldn't work because of the age difference,<BR>because she wasn't divorced (and wouldn't until she was sure she had a ring and date<BR>with MH), and because he didn't want to raise her two small children and oh yeah, he also told her that he still loved his wife of thirty years. Anyway, thats his story.<BR>He is home now, but my problem, is that he still tells me that he thinks of her, has feelings for her, and "doesn't think the affair will start back up". My feeling is that this isn't much for me to hang my hat on. I have been through the ringer for one year not only with him, but dealt with a lot of ugly incidents, (sex in my bed and a lot of ugly confrontations with the OW trying to run me off). I am ready to pack it up and leave or should I stay and realize that he just needs time to get over her - or do I just live with a man who admits he still has feelings for the OW. He tells me he loves me but there is a lot missing here. Has anybody dealt with this? Any suggestions?<P><BR>

Welcome <B>MindyS</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principals and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>Your husband has not completed his "withdrawal" from the OW... that is very clear from your post... I think you'll find a lot of people who can help you here... I'll put a few more of my 2 cents in as well.<BR><B>Don't pack it up and leave yet!</B><P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! You sound like you need to start off (and maybe you've done a little of it already) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>But just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>Your probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>Some quotes from the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> are in order... We all hope for this... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Most affairs die a natural death. (page 50 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... but they affairs can last a while... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Without total separation (of spouse from OP), marital recovery is almost impossible. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An affair is a very powerful addiction. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Marital recovery cannot begin until withdrawal has ended. (page 68 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited November 29, 1999).]

You can't make him forget her, but you can give him good thoughts of you. Don't bring her up, confront him about her, etc., as all that does is give him justification. Take a deep breath and Plan A it for as long as you can. The fact he is home and he is being honest puts you way ahead of the game. Best of luck.

Hi MindyS'<P>Welcome. There isn't much else I can add to NSR's reply to your post. All I have to offer is my experience, my strength, and my hope.<P>I STRONGLY suggest getting and reading Dr. Harley's book Surviving An Affair. I has helped me a great deal. I have also read everybook I could get my hands on about infidelity and how to books on marriage and proper relating. I am going to bring a book list back to this page. It has some great titles.<P>Good Luck, you are on the emotional roller-coater ride of your life. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! KEEP COMING BACK! We are here for you and each other. The theraputic value of us helping each other is without parralell.<P>Hang In There,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

MindyS,<P>WilliamJ is right about the books...<BR>There are so many out there...<P>I have a post I put out before the Thanksgiving holidays... check it out...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books...(again)</A><P>I told you there is support here...<BR>more to come too! <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited November 29, 1999).]

The people here have given a lot of good advice. Right now, there isn't much I can add. I'm just sorry for what you are going through. Please hang in there and follow the good advice given here. Best wishes!

MindyS,<P>I just could not resist posting this to you and I hope that you are not offended. All I could think of when I read your post is that your situation like many others is very sad, BUT at least you are not OW's husband . She was ready to dump him for the highest bidder. He is really going to have some decisions to make. Your H has at least seen the error of his ways.<P>I posted as did many other to "Liz Smith" about the question of replacing OW in her H's heart and mind. You might want to go read her thread. It is probably too soon for you to be in her situation but there are somethings there that might help you decide what you want to do.<P>God Bless You