I had an affair about 4 months ago. I have since cut off all communications with the om and am working on saving my marriage. I have confessed this sin to God and to my husband. Because of things that happened spiritually to us during my time of the affair, God has required of me to be accountable to my husband by telling him each time I had contact with the other person (which I no longer do) and for every thought I have of him - if its a lustful type of thought. My problem is with still desiring to maintain a friendship with this om. We were friends before the affair and I miss that, but I do understand why I can never be friends with him again - the temptation would be to great. I also understand my husband's problem with me still wanting to be friends with him. He feels as though he is still having to share me with the om, and that the real reason is because I still have feelings for the om. I do admit that I care for the om, but its a friends type caring. I have explained that to my husband, by I do understand why he doesn't believe it. My problem is, I can't understand why I can't rid myself of the desire to be friends with the om. I know what it does to my husband and to our marriage, yet I still want it? I know it doesn't make any sense. I do love my husband with all my heart and I know he loves me. We both want our marriage to work. I also want to be in God's will. I know is will is us being together. I have been trying to repair my relationship with God as well. This to me is the most important thing right now. I know that I've completely violated my relationship with him, and sometimes fear that I've gone to far. I do reconize the fact that the devil tries to convience me that I have lost my salvation, but I try to stand on the truth of God's word and not believe his lies. I'm am so mentally and emotionally exhausted by trying to overcome my feelings for the om, restore my marriage, restore my relationship with God and work on my salvation that I don't feel like I can take much more. I do take responsibility for my actions and know I brought this on myself. Just wondering if anyone had any suggestions for me.

[quote] RO 7:21 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. [22] For in my inner being I delight in God's law; [23] but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. [24] What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? [25] Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!<BR> So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.<P>RO 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, [2] because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. [3] For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, [4] in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.<P>2Cor 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. [quote]<P>

Thanks for responding. My situation grows desperate with every minute. My husband just called me. God had given him the feeling that I had a thought about the OM that was unconfessed. I did have a thought this morning, but I thought I had brought it into captivity, but apparantly I had not. He was very angry and said he couldn't take it anymore. Said there was no way that I could love him the way I said I did and still have thoughts of the OM. I know he is right, still I try not to have those thoughts. Try to bring them into captivity. What is worse, he said God told him that he also is getting very tired of it and won't put up with it for much longer. I believe him as he has always been very much in tune with God and every time he says he's heard from God, he's always right on the mark. I have no reason to disbelieve him. I am so scared of going to hell and of losing my family in the meantime. I'm crying uncontrollably at work right now.

Just sent you an email sister.

L4E,<BR>You're doing the right thing in taking your thoughts captive. You might also try at that point to say a prayer for the OM, that the 2 of you are free of any ties you may have forged in your adultery. Renounce those ties, that sin, and when you ask forgiveness, know that God has given it. I repeat, KNOW God forgives you if you have a repentent heart. Once you have been saved, God loves you like a child and holds you in his hands. Remember Jesus' parable of the shepard and the 100 sheep, if one is lost/wandered off, he leaves the 99 to bring back the 1.<P>If those lustful thoughts come around again, they are no part of YOU, they are the whispering of the enemy and give God thanks & praise that you recognize them as such.<P>As for being accountable to your H for your thoughts, I think that is a very hard road, if God has asked that of you, do it. Accountability for actual contact is essential. Taking control of your thoughts is essential for your well-being. Could you ask your H for prayer support against temptation & adulterous desire? You want to work together on this.<P>As for you wanting to be friends with the OM, as someone wise posted awhile ago, find a friend you haven't slept with. When you had sex with him, you lost the opportunity for platonic friendship. Sorry. I know it hurts, but you can't go back on this road when you took the wrong turn. And moreover, Satan now knows this weakness, you need to guard against confidences with the other sex, because the enemy will tempt you again and if you take a few flirting steps, you'll quickly be too far down the path. Trust me on this one, I know.<P>And lastly, God did give a provision for divorce because the hardness of men's hearts. But...if we are in Christ, and the spouse is repentent...and we forgive as we have been forgiven...our hearts should not become hard.<P>You said <<What is worse, he said God told him that he also is getting very tired of it and won't put up with it for much longer.>><P>Is this God or your H speaking? God doesn't tire or become weary. It sounds to me as if your H is hurt and lashing out. <P>Your marriage may end, your H may never forgive you. But you can be assured, that if you go to God, He will forgive and be merciful to you. Use this time to learn God's will for you. Throw yourself at the bottom of the cross and pass your husband, your marriage and your affair all into God's hands.<P>You can trust God with all of it.<P>God is your God, your husband is not your God. Neither is the OM.<BR>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).<p>[This message has been edited by Lor (Lor) (edited October 23, 2000).]

We do pray together, and he prays seperatley for me as well. We have a Bible Study together each night as well. He is a called minister although we do not pastor a church. How could we in this situation? I have a very time distinguishing what is guilt/condemnation/thoughts/memories - you get the picture? The enemy has confused my mind so badly that I don't know what I'm thinking or doing anymore. I don't understand how I can continue to hurt my husband like I do. <BR>I have prayed that all soul ties as well as bounds that I made with the OM to be broken. I've gone through the 7 steps to freedom as outlined in Neil Anderson's book "Boundage Breakers". I have renounced and rebuked all sins concerning the adultrey and anything connected with it. I continue to renounce any thoughts that come into my head. <BR>I do wish the Lord would provide me with someone else to be accountable to. It is very hard being accountable to my H, but I know the Lord has his reasons for me doing it. I thank you sisters so much for your prayers. I will keep you posted. I am not as quite as hysterical as I was before. Thank God for a little peace. Now if I could just have that all the time...

Dear luv4ever,<P>Beware giving your H the opportunity for unrighteous tyranny! Confessing every thought of the OM verbally to your H cannot be healthy. I hope this refers only to the <B>overtly sexual</B> thoughts, rather than emotional ones? Strictly define "Lustful" and you may have the latitude you will need to learn to control yourself and take all the thoughts into captivity more effectively.<P>Are you absolutely convinced and sure that God wants you two to practice this? Or is it your guilt and his pain that have gotten confused with the feelings from God? I believe you that you have great faith in his inspiration and godliness. My great fear is that this process can turn some destructive switches within HIM. He could become an unreasonably paranoid and jealous being, and that will haunt your marriage for decades. <P>Even if it is righteous guidance, be very careful you do not <I>unnecessarily</I> hurt the healing process with this form of "penance." <P>Pray constantly that you will be delivered from temptation and evil. God can help you. This yearning can be removed by His will, with you doing your part as it is given you. He did it for me.<P>Love and Prayers!<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

To be perfectly honest, sometimes I have doubted whether or not to tell my husband everything. There is more involved here than what I have previously mentioned. When my husband and I first were getting back together, we were "attacked" by spirits. I know some of you are probably tuning out now, but for those of you that believe - God bless you. We had all sorts of manifestations at our house; such as writings on the mirrors, knives stuck in the beds, things moving by themselves, and worst of all, physical attacks on my husband. We were finally (after 2 months) able to get rid of the strongman of adultrey who had made our home his home. Now everytime that I don't tell my husband something; the Lord allows either a physical attack or a manifestation to occur. Quite frankly, neither my husband, myself or our children can endure much more than that. That is why I have to believe that it is from God. I just can't seem to figure out why I would even want to think of this other man and why I still have feelings for him (even if they are friendly feelings). I don't plan on acting on them; I know that is out of the question. Tell me Karenna, how did you overcome yours?

Something to think about in light of the manifestations in your home. As long as your H brings up "Did you think about OM today," he is allowing an open door for continued harassment for his thoughts are straying back to that person as well. When he opens the door for love, making those calls to you to reaffirm his love for you, then both of you are steadfastly working to take captive and rebuke those thoughts. Hugs to you my sister.

luv4ever,<P>When my h and I first started this journey to recovery, we were given some guidance on accountability. Our Pastor felt it was important to have certain expectations placed on my h and I was to be a part of that.<P>You don't know my situation so I will just let you know my h was the WS.<P>The accountability was to be that he would always inform me as to his whereabouts and if plans changed then he was to call me before hand. He was to be available to me at all times at least by telephone. So the main accountability was concerning time and place.<P>The behavioral accountability was to be handled by Pastor and Elders(if necessary).<P>I agree with Karenna and SueB, your h is expecting too much out of himself to be your accountability person. He has hurts and wounds that will only be continually inflamed by your coming to him with every thought. Jesus alone can take captive our thoughts and I strongly urge you and your h to come up with another trusted individual who can hold you accountable as you begin the healing process.<P>One other thing, 4 months is not a long time. Healing is a process and it often takes alot longer then we would like. I am heading toward 4 years in recovery and it has been necessary to go through alot of steps forward and backward to progress toward complete healing. I know God is working all of this out for good, and trust Him to complete the work He has begun. PTL!<P>Blessings, Taj

Yes, Taj, <BR>I agree that it is alot to have him as my accountability person. Thing is though, he feels like it is God's will and he's not about to change it. I also agree that he has alot of hurt and anger built up inside him that has not come out. I would love to go to counseling, but he feels like this is something we have to handle together if we are ever going to be able to help anyone else. I know his ideas may seem strange to most people, but I do trust him completely, because I have seen the way God works in his life. He is true blue through and through for God. I also feel like 4 months has not been a long time. I've always thought and beleived that "time heals all wounds." Unfortunatley, my husband does not feel this way at all. He says it has taken way to long and he can't understand in the least bit how I could still have feelings for someone that almost killed him (emotionally and mentally; as well as physically by the spirits). I don't know. He also can not understand that when I get stressed about it, it makes me think of it more. He says the opposite should be true. He says I think about it because I want to think about it, for no other reason. Most of the time I really don't think he is being unreasonable in his words, because I know what I've done is wrong and what I continue to do is wrong, but sometimes I could scream at him because it feels like he just Won't understand. He says understanding it would be like saying it is okay. I don't understand that. Please keep up with the advice everyone. I really appreciate it.

luv4ever,<P>On the one hand you say you trust your h's judgement and feel his decision to work through this solely by yourselves is God's will, yet on the other hand you are saying that he doesn't understand. Your h is actually doubled-minded and God says that is instability. I say that not by way of criticism but reality. How in the world could he feel any differently in light of his hurt? He is trying to be strong and that is admirable but there needs to be room for lots of emotions to be worked through.<P>They say if you don't allow yourself to work through the pain it will continue to plague you. Repressed anger, fear, doubt, resentment often comes out in depression at a later time.<P>My h and I worked through most of our pain by ourselves. We had spots we could not work through though and had several counseling sessions. I knew right away when we came to an impasse for there was no peace to be found anywhere in our home. I thank God for godly couselors who could take us to the next step.<P>Be patient with your h and pray for wisdom for him. He sounds like someone who is wanting to honor the Lord and be the spiritual head of the home. I admire that greatly. I just pray that he will allow himself to grieve his loss and receive healing for his wounds. Both of you would benefit from the involvement of another couple or individuals who have gone through this before.<P>God uses the experiences of others to help us. Then we can be used to help someone else as He brings them into our lives. I will pray that your h will be open and flexible when it comes to the process of healing. There may be alot of pride and embarrassment here, disguising itself in a righteous garb. That would make sense and explain why he is "doing it himself".<P>Lord, we would ask for healing for this couple. Each of us is so unique Father and you work in our lives individually. Take this unique situation and bring wholeness. May Your mercy and grace be the balm that would bring this couple back to completeness in you. Give great wisdom Lord to this man and patience to his wife. Bless their union together and may it bear fruit for Your kingdom once again. IJN

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by luv4ever:<BR><B>I would love to go to counseling, but he feels like this is something we have to handle together if we are ever going to be able to help anyone else. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That goal sounds a little bit self-aggrandizing at this point. Why does he have to help anyone else? <P>Doesn't he know that his marriage was in trouble before the affair? <P>Does he understand the Harley principles of the four rules of marriage? <P>Has he always met your EN's to the best of his ability? Does he now and has he in the past refrained from disrespectful judgments, selfish demands and angry outbursts?<P>Is he always totally honest with you and himself about his weaknesses, shortcomings, faults, etc.?<P>It is all well and good for you to stand there and take the blame for what you did. The miraculous part of MB is the focus on the TWO of you. Marriage is dynamic. But for him, it would not have been the marriage it was. Now you need to build a NEW marriage, even better than before. <P>Can he take responsibility for his shortcomings? Or is it all going to be always on you?<P>Does he feel any need to do something positive such as "Plan A" to heal his marriage?<P><B>FEELINGS</B><P>Friendly feelings are not usually lustful. They will fade as contact gets more remote. So do not impose them on anyone else. Eventually the A will not have any effect on you at all as you complete the process of repentance. He may always be somewhat of a memory, bright or dark.<P><B>How I got over the OM</B><P>Slowly. Time and prayer. Lots of prayer. Never totally cut off all contact, just the romantic contact. But God did answer my prayers and cut off the feelings after weeks of work and pleading and scripture study. <P>Soon after that I saw many, many negative traits in him that I could not respect at all. We now have a cordial, friendly, and businesslike relationship now. And have retained our professional relationship. If it had been a more passionate or physical relationship that would not be possible. But then too, I am said to be the queen of detached, unemotionality. <P><B>The spirit activity</B><P>This is very interesting to me. A novel theory has come out relating such phenomena to places where a death has occured in the past, or a near-death experience. In one case it was a young man who had a horrible accident and a near-death experience of his own. He lost a lot of his memories for some years, but everytime he was in the vicinity of the accident this kind of activity would commence. Eventually he reintegrated all his memories and the spirit activity totally stopped. <P>Spending time in prayer and meditation for peace at the location of the activity, not just for exorcising evil, but in getting in touch with your own feelings and whatever may be residual from any death that happened there might help. <P>According to this theory, if the activity happens mostly when your H is present, then he should pray for the healing of his own soul and the peace of the "spirit" that may be there. What can it hurt? Except give him one less thing to hammer you with blame for.<BR><P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

I do worry about my H becoming depressed. He has experienced that once before in our marriage. I pray that will not become an issue, but I am afraid if he doesn't let his feelings out that it will. I know he is trying to be strong for me - that man thing!<BR>He has changed drastically since before the affair. I had actually left him for a week during the time of the affair and he had alot of time to think. He said he prayed God would show him everything he needed to change in himself to bring about reconcilation. I feel like God must have done this, because he is a completely different person. He loves me like nothing else and he shows me everyday. <BR>Today is a better day - not having quite the problem with the mind thing. (Better not say that to loud huh?) I do praise God for it though. I praise him for rescuing me from the affair and for saving my soul. I praise him for restoring my marriage and the continued restoration of it. <BR>Thanks to everyone, it really does help knowing there are other people out there that have "been there, done that". I love hearing how God has restored you and your marriages. Keep it up - what a blessing you all have been to me!

Luv 4 ever - I read your post and something that I experienced kept coming to mind. Perhaps it will be of help to you. I pray that it is. My situation was different that yours is, however adultery is damaging to both the participating spouse and to the wronged spouse. Others have mentioned that their are many factors that led to what happened, our fallen state makes us vulnerable to many forms of sin. You have cleaned the slate with the Father and he is there to help both you and your H through all of this. I wanted to specifically address the thought thing as I battled against negative, destructive, and obsessive thoughts while trying to deal with my H's adultery. I knew that the thoughts I had were unhealthy and unedifying. I knew that God wanted a better state of mind for me. At one point, I thought I was losing my sanity. I asked for prayer at church (without specifying my concern). Some dear sisters and brothers prayed for me and one felt led to tell me that I had a sound mind (this is scriptural) and that I was not going crazy. So, why couldn't I control my thoughts? Why all of the anger and obsession and turmoil? Well, placing thoughts in our minds is one way that the enemy can influence us. I began to outwardly resist those thoughts. I would speak out loud the truth that I knew in my heart. When jealousy and hurt would become more than I could handle, I prayed for the OW (not just for her to go away, but for her), my H(not just for what I wanted, but for him as an individual). I prayed these thoughts out loud. I would say out loud, "I resist this anger; this depression, this hopelessness; this sense of worthlessness and I accept my Father's love, his grace, his mercy, his joy, etc.". My thinking began to clear and I began to heal. In fact, it became easier to pray as God would have me pray. With an open heart, truthful and with love. This is a powerful weapon against the attack the enemy brings in our thought process. I pray that both you and your H will be healed and blessed with the abundance of God's joy.

Onedayatatime,<BR>Thank you so much. That is exactley what I feel is happening. I can be in deep Bible Study or even prayer, when all of the sudden, here comes the thoughts "You were thinking about him (om) weren't you." "Don't you want to see/talk to him?" I tell my H that sometimes I can hear a voice actually telling me these things. He doesn't agree that Satan can put thoughts in your mind, but I do. I know that it can really confuse your mind and you start to think, well maybe I was thinking about him. and I know what you mean about the insanity part. I feel like that all the time and have expressed that to my H and to God. I have in the past tried to speak things out loud and renounce the devil in his attacks to my mind, but I confess I haven't been consistant in doing this. I will try though to vocalize it more and keep speaking the truth. I believe I can overcome this and over the last two days, I have felt stronger and a tad bit more confident. Thanks again everyone; keep up the encouragement of everyone around here.

I had some thoughts concerning our thought life as well. I appreciate so much the "ways of escape" that have been shared by many. I will put them in my spiritual weapons holster! <P>There is a verse that I most often repeat before I even venture into bible reading or prayer. <BR> "Search me, Oh God, and know my heart, try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me,and lead me in the everlasting way." Psalm 139:23-24<P>Those verses give our thought life(heart,mind etc) right into the hands of God. He will take our anxieties and fears as well as our hurts and put them into eternity's perspective. It works too!<P>Amy Charmichael, a godly saint of old who was a missionary in India said she prayed like this when her thought life plagued her:<P>Lord, I give you my confusion and receive Your peace<P>for my hurt I receive your healing<P>for my anger I receive Your love...<P>She would replace in prayer all of her sinful attitudes and shortcomings with the opposite......which God always exhibits. He is never confused or sinfully angry or wounded in spirit. God says He has given us all that we need for life and godliness. This is one way of taking for ourselves the very character of God in our situations.<P>Our thought life is one foothold that the devil wants. Don't surrender that ground to him for one second, and if you do, take it back the second your realize it.<P>Father, we surrender to You all that we are today. Our hurts, our anger, our confusion, our turmoil, and especially our every thought. Give us instead Lord more of Yourself. Take each of us that next step we need to take toward total surrender to You. We are nothing without You Lord, You are our Hiding Place and we wish only to remain safely in Your protection and care. We love You Lord.

If we all had more of a heart for God, wouldn't we be more peaceful. I just finished reading the book " A Heart like His" by Beth Moore. Its the story of David and how even though he continued to sin throughout his life, his heart was like God's. I try to take the accounts and lives of all the Bible characters, some I can relate to more than others of course, and use their mistakes and corrections as guides for my life. I love to read about Peter and Paul. Both men of God, but both men that struggled with flesh on a daily basis. They give me hope and encouragement that as long as I strive to do God's will that I can overcome the things of the devil. I want to be more like God and have a heart like his so I will continue to take every thought captive and bring it into obedience. I really like the idea of changing the sinful attitude into something Godlike. That is a great idea! I'll have to try that one! Sometimes I am afraid to have God search my heart - afraid of what he will find, then I realize he has not given me a spirit of fear and that he needs to search my heart and get out anything that doesn't belong. Keep praying for me that I will continue to search for God and his will and that my thought life will finally be a "pleasing and acceptable" sacrifice to God.