This term is thrown around an awful lot and I mean that respectfully, I just find it difficult to grasp the concept. Guess that means I am dating myself but I have never been able to fully understand the meaning.<P>I was lurking on the Divorcing/Divorced forum and was intrigued by a discussion about "falling out of love". William J who has posted awhile made the statement, in his opinion if you "cling to the idea of what was, you are co-dependent. I thought that I find myself doing that all the time. He went on to say that staying together when LB's continue for an extended period of time you are co-dependent. Staying together out of fear of being alone or finances is co-dependency. I have to ask myself if I am co-dependent.<P>Then I wondered if that is something God addresses in His word? I know MB's have an article on co-dependency, I've read all of their material. Still I need some direction here. Can anyone help me understand this? Sometimes I think I've stayed through some of the toughest days because I don't want to be alone, and recently I posted about my need to get back to my career. I love my h but let me tell you some days it seems like we are going 2 steps forward and 3 steps back.<P>I would appreciate your input...<P>

Hi Sister,<P>I too have read Harley's perk on this topic and I am afaid I don't agree with him in this area. I think there is a world of dfference between dependency and interdependency. <P>Originally started out as an individual who was dependent on something, generally alcohol, and the resulting relationships with others. The spouse was generally labeled codependent as one who enabled the individual to remain in the dependency, the dependency fulfilled some of the spouse's need to caretake, feel useful in a sick way and also to feel "better than" in other ways. Standing side by side, the spouse generally shined, appeared the saint, and because of this, the spouse didn't need to address her own individual issues, ergo denial of feelings, self-care and self-responsibility, etc.<P>As Dr. Harley said, this term has slithered down into other dysfunctional categories, and that is where much controversy comes from. I guess my take on it is that for one alcoholic, statistics say that 10 people are affected. Since so many are affected, it seems natural to me that the dependency patterns would continue to manifest themselves in a multiple variety of ways. Let's use my family for an example. Statistics talk about a general pattern of maternal grandfather of being the alcoholic. My mother's was. Of my mother's 7 sibings, 3 became chemiclly dependent on alchol or drugs. <P>In my mother's case, she was dependent on legal pain perscriptions, but the dynamics are the same as I have read them. Though her parenting skills apparently were better than the parenting she received, my brother and I felt they were certainly lacking for us. <P>As adults, I married an alcoholic, my brother became an alcoholic/addict. All of the life events impacted my perception of what the reltionship was supposed to look like. Even after going through counseling for the codependency issues, and though this H is not chemically dependent, his personality (and I imagine the background of chemical dependency in his family) leans towards a food addiction, but the dynamics appear the same, so the internal warnings in my head are sounding off major alarms!<P>The description you gave above is only a piece of it I think. You ask about scriptural basis and I will try to tell you what I am learning in this go around with counseling from my pastor. We are told to be in fellowshp with one another, but even Paul was clear that he pulled his own weight, so, in a sense, he was independent, responsible for self and yet, relied on others to minster to him at times, that is, he allowed others to minister to him, but not totally take care of him. <P>If you recall in the Boundaries in Marriage book, they touched on this some in regards to two whole people joining together. Whole in the sense of being emotionally healthy so that they could each minister to one another but not have responsibility FOR the other. <P>I know this was a micro explanation but you know you can write to me sister and we can chew this more if you want.

My understanding of the term is quite a bit more restrictive than the way others have used it.<P>A co-dependent person is the close companion or intimate partner who consistently sabotages recovery attempts and improvement in the addicted person. <P>Their "self esteem" or self image depends on caretaking the addicted persons problems. So much so that they will actively intervene to prevent changes that mean they would have to take a new role in the relationship.

Interesting discussion. I have heard the word "co-dependency" so much having spent the last 18 years living with a deeply addicted alcoholic husband. Anymore, I completely disregard these comments in that if one is living their life in a Christ-like manner, codependency isn't an issue. You do what the Lord leads you to. If He says "stand", you stand. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He went on to say that staying together when LB's continue for an extended period of time you are co-dependent<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Guess I am guilty of this then.... except I am not the one doing the lovebusting, my husband is. Except he doesn't know what lovebusters are. <P>In my mind the definition of a "co-dependent" would be a spouse or whoever who gets in God's way and tries to fix things, and keep control of the situation instead of giving it up to Him to handle. I think my feelings on this would most closely resemble Karenna's description. <P>