I am not really in the "self pity" mode but I have so many fears that I just wanted to acknowledge them so that maybe I could deal with them .<P>In their last conversation (Nov.26) Arik told me that she said SHE wanted to break it off so she could focus on here marriage, he agreed to let her do that but he asked her to promise to call him if things weren't working out. Later I had to go to work, I called him from work on my lunch break to see how he was doing,(I knew he was feeling s#i#ty). He started crying and said that he was so sorry, the affair was so wrong on so many levels, that I am the one person he knows can complete him and I am the reason he is level and not off the deep end. It was so good to hear that but there are still such nagging fears.<P>What will happen if she does call, why does it matter to him if things are working out with her and her husband-that shouldn't change his resolve to make US work? Does he really want to be with me or is he just afraid of being alone? Was the remorse real or was it something that he knew I wanted to hear? Will the "visuals" ever go away. Will I ever really believe him when he tells me he hasn't spoken to her on non-work related subjects? Will there ever be a time when I won't feel a need to check his emails?<P>So many questions...so many fears...I want to go on but sometimes the thoughts and fears are cripling. Please... those of you who are months past the affair and mostly through the withdrawal(or even all the way through withdrawal). Let me know what your experiences have been with getting past the fears and the "what if's".<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<BR>

Nicole,<P>You know you're going to have to get through Arik's withdrawal from OW first!!! As many have told me... it could take as long as the affair itself... or even longer!<P>If you've been reading in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... you know that Arik's withdrawal will not be easy... and you have to be there for him! Quotes to remind you of what's ahead... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Permanent separation (between Arik and OW) not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse. (page 55 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>...and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An affair is a very powerful addiction. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You won't be able to do much except continue to try and meet his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> until the withdrawal is well underway...<P>At some time... to push him along a bit... maybe you can bring up the idea of <B>telling the OW that the relationship is over</B>... it's in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> book (letter on page 58-59). This, if done <B>together</B>(never let him do this letter "on his own") would prove to be a milestone toward eventual recovery.<P>Once recovery is in a decent stride... you can start working on...The four rules to guide marital recovery<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL><P>But none of it will <B>not</B> come overnight!<P>Prayers... and prayers... and more prayers... <BR>And a cande lit tonight... for all waywards... no matter where they are.<P>Jim

Patient Love,<P>Your questions are good ones and your fears are valid. Wish I could tell you do not worry or everything will be OK. Your H seems to want your marriage and seems to realize how wonderful you truly are. You are certainly doing everthing right. Sadly your actions alone can not guarantee a successful outcome. Your H's intentions can not guarantee an outcome, either.<P>His continued commitment and congruent words and actions in tandem with your love and support will virtually guarantee success.<P>One downside of this Plan A stuff (which I think comes naturally to you, so I don't think you are doing anything other than what you would have done without this site) is such unconditional support and acceptance gives the betrayer such security they can waffle and backslide without much backlash. In the short term that seems unfair, but the long term effect of all this good will is inmeasurable.<P>Very few of the stories you read here is one straight line to success. There are usually valleys and backslides. I hope by your H being here, he can get an idea what a killer this is for you and he will take every precaution to shield you from additional pain. However, betrayer after betrayer seems to disassociate their individual actions from the consequences. They don't mess up to hurt you, and seem almost surprised when what they do does affect you.<P>You are right, you H's resolve shouldn't change no matter what happens with her marriage. I would be concerned, too. Hopefully it is just part of his confusion. The true answer to that question may have been something you wouldn't have wanted to hear yesterday, but the answer could change by tomorrow. In other words, hopefully given enough time, he confusion will lesson and he consistantly choose good mental decisions as well as concrete actions.<P>I don't think you can believe him in the short term for a few reasons. One reason is the obvious, he said he would communicate personally with her and he did. Then it at least seems he lied to you even after he did it (meaning he told you no contact when he had already spoke with her?). You have good reason not to believe him, he has yet to be trustworthy, despite his intentions.<P>The second reason you can't believe him I think is almost primal. You mind and body are trying to protect you. Kind of a variation of the Fight or Flight instinct. You can't beat yourself up over this. What you can do is keep your eyes open and realize when you are being unreasonable and irrational and back off when appropriate.<P>We don't know your H well enough to judge how good he is at telling people what they want to hear. You probibly do, though. Is that usually a problem?<P>Plus any contact is going to agitate the situation. Is there some creative way to eliminate work related contact?<P>What would you like him to do about his job?<P>Nicole, the only certain thing right now is how uncertain everything feels. You are strapped in on a ride you were forced to be on. It is no fun, but everyone is here for you. <P>You are an amazing woman and a blessing to your H and family.<P>The second reason<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13