I don't know how you all do it.<BR>I have always had a very difficult time being honest with my self about my childhood.<BR>to the extent that untill the last couple years I just blocked out most of it. as the distance between my husband and i grew it must have spurred these memories to surface and boy are they painful. most of my memories come in the form of very vivid dreams and would reaccure night after night. finally I started asking my father suttle questions so that I might unlock the mystery to my dreams. unfortunately the dreams I have been having have been the real life nightmares brought back to life. rather than dealing with these memories I have been trying to suppress them again. I have not been very successful in this attempt. apparently God wants me to deal with it so that i can have a healthy relationship with my H someday. I have learned where some of the breakdown has come from.<P>as I was growing up I never really felt wanted. my mom was always pawning us off on other people and my dad had to have his arm twisted in order to custody of my brother and I as children. then when i was about 10 my mom told me that I was an accident, that she didn't want me and had abortion been leagal she would never have had me. until recently I never knew just how bad this had hurt me. since then i never really believed i was wanted and always drew into my own little world. <P>when my husband and i met and fell in love i was elated but deep down i didn't believe it. looking back i can see i have always been insecure and "needy" always wanting him to prove he loved me, more or less I was verry emotionaly demanding and in a way have worn him down. when he told me he didn't love me anymore it was living all over again the day my mom told me i wasn't wanted. i was totally devestated. now i just need to figure out how to deal with it. <P>I guess you could say this is the first time that i have been completly honest with this part of growing up. I have always till now tried to rationalize and minimize what my mom told me and tell my self it doesn't really matter, well...IT DOES!!<P>sorry if I am just rambling but it does help to get it out.<P>------------------<BR>Irene

Hi Sister, <P>Yeah, it hurts... my story includes the statement by my mother that if she had to do it all over again, she would never have had children....but you know....the truth is, she never was in control of it at all. God knew you and I while we were being formed in the womb. He knew all that we would experience and go through and He has had a plan for us since that time. Would we realize how wanted and special we are to Him if we would have had a different chidhood? I think not. He has always wanted us S&L, don't ever forget that. You are unique and holy and special. He <B>proved</B> that by allowing Christ to die on the cross for You!<P>Dreams generally are the way we try to deal with the anxieties that we are experiencing and not verbalizing, a way of letting it out. As you continue to verbalize it, I do believe your dreams will lessen. If you don't have a prayer sister, I would be honored if you chose to write to me so that it doesn't stay inside if you don't feel you can share it here.<P>Hugs!<BR>

Thankyou sue B<BR>i would appreciate having you as a prayer sister. It is nice to know that i am not alone out here. as i am working through these feelings that i am starting to accept that they exist i am starting to see that God does love me, even when i don't feel it.<BR>I need to learn to get away from the feelings and learn to just know God is there even when i don't feel him.<P>I know it in my head now i need to learn it with my heart. I am never alone, God is always there.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Irene

My email is eramhoff@home.com. Write any time!

thanks sue B<P>I finally bought the study guide for popw.<BR>boy that first chapter, "His wife" is a doosy! I didn't really like what i learned, but now i can work on it since i can see it. <P>(If i were my H I'd want to split too.)<P>Lord, i pray that you change me from the inside out and make me into the wife that you want me to be and the wife David needs.<P>(i won't say amen cause this is a constant prayer. to be repeated over and over.)<P>------------------<BR>Irene

<B> Question 6. What anxieties do you have about memories of your past? </B><P>I guess honestly I would have to admit that there are things in my past that I would not want revealed now, so the anxiety would be to have those things to surface now. They are things that I have confessed and been forgiven for, but the anxiety surrounds the fact that people are not as gracious as my Lord. I think God can use those things for my growth and benefit, but at the same time to have to revisit them and to know the pain they would cause others, sets me back some.<BR>I have confessed these things to another person as well as the Lord and sometimes I wonder how much Satan stirs up the anxiety when the memories resurface since I know I am forgiven for those things.<P><B>Question 7. Which of your behaviors are most damaging to your life? Explain.</B><P>Hmm?couple of ways to look at that one. Lack of self-care would be one from a physical stance. I am addicted to cigarettes. I am ashamed to admit this addiction and feel it interferes with my walk with others and yet, I have not, as yet, been able to break free from this addiction. Used smoking to stuff feelings, so perhaps the process of this assessment and the truths God is showing me will release me from this bondage as I continue to seek the strength to speak the truth in love and not hide my feelings.<P>I guess the other behavior I have used that is damaging to me is hiding the real me from others, the fear that if others really knew me, they wouldn't like me. I think that is why I find this forum to be such an encouragement to me, that I am pouring out myself, the good, bad and ugly and you ladies have graciously loved me in spite of it. I see God showing me how I have allowed my anxiety about this to rob me of some very good and healthy friendships within my local community.<P><B>Question 8. What obstacles keep you from asking God to search you and know your heart?</B><P>This one isn't an issue for me. I do ask Him to search me and know my heart, to show me what needs changing and then to give me the courage to do it. I am in awe of Him for loving me in spite of my heart and sin nature and grateful that He sees the righteousness of Christ in me, that He is willing to continue to mold and discipline me, to allow me my folly as He teaches me in truth and knowledge. LOL, I would be dishonest unless I also admitted that sometimes, I may wait a day or two to ask this, knowing sometimes with fear/anxiety that He will have something to show me that I am perhaps not ready to address. In the end though, I know He is far more faithful than I am.<BR>

1 PE 4:10-11-Regarding Spiritual Gifts<P>Have heard many sermons and been to a couple of classes on spiritual gifts and yet, sometimes something can seem brand new. I guess I heard yesterday's message in light of what we are studying, the desire to speak the truth in love and the discernment necessary for that.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>[10] Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. [11] If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B> Scope </B><P><B> Each one </B> should use whatever gift <B> he has received </B><P>We all receive spiritual gift(s) when we ask Christ into our life. It is important that we discover what these gifts are.<P><B> Intent </B><P><B> to serve others </B><P>The sole purpose for having spiritual gifts is to serve others. God places us in a family where all are deemed worthy. He instituted unity, oneness in spirit, so that as discussed in 1 Cor. 12 we would realize how important our participation was for the good of the body. As Stormie talked about, what would happen to our body if we only prayed for the right side of it and not the left? The physical body is such a wonderful example of how all things work together for good. The things seen on the outside may get more credit, eyes, limbs, etc. but without the brain, autonomic responses, muscles, or internal organs, we would cease to function. So it is with the body of Christ and the way we each use our gifts to serve the body as a whole. We each have a vital part. <P><B> Approach </B><P><B> faithfully administering </B><P>Being a good steward includes management of our gift(s) as well. The introspection that we are now doing fits in as we identify weaknesses and strengths. How do our shortcomings interfere with the administration of our spiritual gifts? Do we allow fear or our circumstances to pull us away from serving faithfully to our husbands, etc.? Would the parable of the talents apply to the spiritual gifts if we do not use them or are not good stewards of them? Matt. 24:14-30 (Just trying to stretch you here) <P><B> Source </B><P><B> God's grace in its various forms </B><P>The continuous reminder that our gifts are given to us out of God's grace to us, not because of anything we have done on our own. <P><B> Arrangement </B><P><B> If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God.<BR> If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, </B><P>The protocol for using our gift(s). In speaking the truth in love to our spouses, I think of 1 PE 3:15,: But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, [16] keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. The hope we have in Christ, how marriage was set up by God as the ultimate community for unity; watching our words, how we speak and recognizing that we should speak as one speaking the very words of God, may make us all stop a bit and better think through our responses to our spouse. <P>RO 15:1 We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. [2] Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. [3] For even Christ did not please himself but, as it is written: "The insults of those who insult you have fallen on me." [4] For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.<P>And I love the reminder that we serve with the strength that God provides. We have touched on such issues as control and often in negative connotations. What then is the positive stance for such a gift, for I do believe that this also can be a gift from God, that He has allowed some the gift for organization, the gift where some can see a larger picture than I can and who are skilled to be able to orchestrate each of the facets so that things move smoothly. What then is God teaching the one who has this gift, the ability to see the larger picture, and yet, has placed that person in the serving position rather than the leadership position of the home or marriage? Throw out thoughts ladies!<P><B> Goal </B><P>[b ]so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen [/b]<P>The ultimate purpose that we have gifts and are to use them, the opportunity to develop humility, giving credit to the One who gave the gift. I thought of Paul when he said:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> 2CO 6:3 We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. [4] Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; [5] in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; [6] in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; [7] in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; [8] through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; [9] known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; [10] sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything .<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What then is your ministry? What are your spiritual gifts? How are you using your gift(s) in your marriage to serve?<P>Anyone want to dig out their info on discovering spiritual gifts for those who aren't sure what gift or gifts they have?<P>Father, as we continue to seek your face to remove those things that dishonor you, and to strengthen those things that You would have us develop in our character, to better represent you to our immediate and extended family, continue to break down the walls of our heart, that in full openness we may be able to learn what You would have us learn that we would become the women and wives that You desire for us to be. IJN, Amen.<BR>

WHAT ANXIETIES DO YOU HAVE ABOUT MEMORIES OF YOUR PAST.<BR>My life bc could be titled "little lost girl". Starting with the breakup of my family and several episodes of sexual abuse by a family member. I went from there to being the wild child in my teens and of course that includes alot of regrets. I share with people at church that my h and I were married in the wee hours of the morning in Las Vegas, well you'd think I committed the worst crime.....they were shocked! I am not from the ususal mold of "raised in the church". So, I am very reluctant to share much of my bc life.<P>WHICH OF YOUR BEHAVIORS ARE MOST DAMAGING TO YOUR LIFE?<BR>I come from a long line of alcoholic's. My father and mother, grandfather and many others. I avoided alcohol like the plague until I was lost in the lonliness of betrayal. Now I battle the desire to just "mellow out". Praise God I am not an alcoholic! But, I would rather not trust in anything but Jesus. My hearts desire is to be free of any minute away from leaning on God. I make no judgement on others, for me this is something which needs to go altogether.<P>In regards to the last question, I have no obstacles keeping me from asking God anything. My obstacle would be that I don't trust God to answer some things and I jump in and try to answer them myself. God is showing me there is only one Captain of this trip and it is Him.<P>I have walked with God for over 30 years and I have come a long way, as Gloria Gaither says, "I may not be where I should be, but thank God I am not where I was". God is so gracious, I want that character trait for myself and as I look at others as well.<P>Blessings, Taj<P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18

Thanks so much for sharing Taj. I feel so blessed to know you! You are a wonderful example of being the overcomer that Christ talks about! My accountability partner is a recovered WS. Her husband followed Harley's principles long ago. I am always amazed at how they share about this time in their life so openly. They feel it is a testimony to how God can use things for His glory.<P>It is always a risk to be vulnerable. Thank you for taking it! Hugs!

oops<p>[This message has been edited by SueB (edited January 08, 2001).]

Question 6. What anxieties do you have about memories of your past? <P>What anxieties don't I have. wow, this is a hard one for me. even before my mom told me that I was not wanted I have always had the feeling that I was not lovable, between my mom always finding someone else to take care of us and having to threaten my dad in order for him to take over custody of us I have always felt it was my own fault that no one wanted us. between the ages of 10 and 15 I was sexually abused numerous times by a family member and when i did tell no one believed me so this just continued. knowing that no one would ever believe me my brother and sisters did numerous bad things and blame it on me for the soul purpose of getting me in trouble. as I reached Jr high and high school I withdrew into myself and would do anything for anybody if they would like me for it. of course now that I am an adult I see they were just using me. and I found that when my marriage fell apart my first thought was my marriage fell apart because I was so unloveable as a result of this feeling I have also treated myself as though I should not be loved and ignored myself. I have been in physical pain for many years and always ignored it saying to my self I was just parinoid or melodramatic.<P>I have been working on my self and am getting back to being a healthy person physically and mental. I am undergoing therapy and now know that God loves me and that is all that matters. since God loves me i find it easier to love myself. and physically I found out that I am not paraniod or melodramatic. I now know i suffered from endometriosis, (which I have had sergically removed.) and I also suffer from a severe case of TMJ which we are working on correcting. I find as I am physically fixing myself my self image has also been impoving.<P>Question 7. Which of your behaviors are most damaging to your life? Explain.<P>I think my most damaging behaviors have been in just not caring for myself as i should have, i have read that a woman cannot take care of her family the way she should it she is not caring for herself. I neglected myself and my family has indeed fallen apart.I wouldn't take care of myself because of my belief i was unloveable. this has kept poeple at bay not becuase I was unloveable but bacause i just didn't take care of myself.<P>Question 8. What obstacles keep you from asking God to search you and know your heart?<P>my main obstacle that keeps me from asking God to search me and show me my heart is fear. I am scared to death I either won't like it or won't be able to handle it. now that God is working in and pealing back the layers i find yes some layers are very painful as they are pulled away. but I have learned to take it one day at a time and lean on God, knowing He is always their even when I don't feel it. <P>ok, i'm done with my book, I must admit I find this very therapudic to wright down my thoughts and feelings, because in wrighting this to you all it forces me to see things as they are. <P>Thankyou for the kind "ears" <P>Daniel 2:22<BR>He reveals deep and hidden things; <BR>he knows what lies in darkness, <BR>and light dwells with him. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Irene

<B>Resentments</B><P><B> Question 9. List your major resentments. How is it interfering with your life?</B><P>Now, doesn't that just sound like some easy task? Resentments are the number one offender and often the major cause of spiritual disease. By identifying our resentments, we can see how they have affected our self-esteem, our well-being and our personal relationships. Holding onto resentment causes stress, anxiety, and uncontrollable feelings of anger. If these are not resolved, serious emotional and physical consequences will develop. If we allow our resentments to prevail, serious depression can develop and ultimately destroy our lives. <P>No doubt others have harmed us and we have a legitimate right to feel resentful. Having resentment though, doesn't punish anyone but ourselves. We can't hold resentments and find healing at the same time. It is best released by asking God for the strength to forgive the offender. Learning to deal with resentments in a healthy way is an important part of our recovery process.<P>When we resent, we may be:<P>Feeling injured, Feeling left out, Experiencing low self-worth, Feeling violated, Retaliating, Angry or Bitter. <P>Listing resentments are best helpful for us when we identify how we are impacted, such as the example below:<P><B> Example </B><P>I <B> resent </B> my boss <B> because </B> he doesn't care to hear my explanation of why I am depressed. <B> This affects </B> my self-esteem. <B> This activates </B> unexpressed anger. <B> This makes me feel </B> even more depressed.<P>Following a format as above helps to understand the relationship between feelings and the impact on us. I have found it fairly easy to make that list of resentments, but understanding how I am affected, what it activates for me, and what other feelings come into play in light of it, very difficult. I have added a list of feeling words for you to cut and paste to print out so that as you make your list, you can become increasingly aware of how multi-faceted you are. Remember, God made our feelings, let's not deny them.<P><B>Feeling Words</B><P>angry enraged loved exhausted happy sorry generous heavenly sympathetic grief stricken afraid bewildered refreshed clumsy immature supernatural used stupid dull understanding inspired discouraged humble frigid abused pensive blah romantic taut foolish low edgy giddy unglued elated pooped groovy privileged distant submissive quiet cooperative uncertain seductive safe panicky confident merry rejected paralyzed stretched affectionate proud enthusiastic burdened tearful confused important bored sexual dishonest sweaty excited spineless belligerent defiant tickled-to-death bugged magnanimous ugly heroic virile wimpy hopeless deferential bothered trapped miserable apprehensive satisfied seething blocked thankful compassionate at ease irritated frustrated loving lively joyful sorrowful grateful humiliated relaxed comfortable scared frisky repressed awkward infantile hot glad bright explosive forgiving adequate encouraged cool warm sunshiny powerless bubbly carefree grumpy comforted icky zingy timid disorganized airy jealous frightened warm-hearted close dependent evasive contemptuous aggressive repulsive fearful grief-stricken tolerant confused energetic shut-out bushed empathetic alarmed trusting weepy resentful respected impatient frustrated silly honest dead-eyed breathless terrified bellicose disgusted depressed dutiful funny peeved dreamy exuberant ebullient tense vacant mixed-up conflicted dismayed worried content furious puzzled relieved down-in-the-dumps annoyed anxious tired vigorous sad greedy thankful compassionate at ease uneasy confused relieved hopeful aware unnatural torrid dumb brilliant considerate forgiven inadequate courageous cold uncomfortable ecstatic powerful tender floating jolly high cuddly playful uptight lost disappointed delighted smiley quivery dominant talkative embarrassed assertive self-assured open guilty calm rejuvenated starry-eyed immobilized whiny strong lonely threatened beaten hurt envious helpless played-out caring two-faced nauseated itchy gutless insecure determined surprised sharp stagnated hilarious hesitant committed wishy-washy horrified independent appealing disturbed petrified disappointed overjoyed bitter mad pissed hopeful uneasy aware <P><B>On a scale of 1-10, how much does resentment negatively affect your life, with zero having the lowest impact and 10 having the greatest negative impact? Where are you today?</B><P>This truly is a hard one ladies. I am having the most difficulty identifying what it affects. Is <B>my role as a wife</B>, <B>my willingness to be obedient</B>, <B>my ability to submit</B> actually watered down ways to say self-worth or self-esteem? Is <B>intimacy or lack of</B> a useable word for what it affects? Let me know your thoughts on this please. This one is going to take a bit of work I think. Our honesty and tendency to minimize or deny is really going to be challenged!<P>Father God, I really need your help here to open up my heart to truly idenify the things that this assignment challenges us to do. I do want to be honest Father, I do not want to misplace or minimize the affects of resentment. I know Father, that in orfer to remove it with your help, we have to identify it, to understand how we are allowing it to impact our lives and our walk with you. Help us all Father, give us Your strength to be honest and truthful. IJN, Amen.<P><p>[This message has been edited by SueB (edited January 09, 2001).]

Soke with my accountability partner in regards to my question about how <B>affect</B> fits in. We are to identify how the resentment interferes with our life. So, some examples might be that it affects my sexuality, my relationship with friends, available funds for my own financial needs/ or family needs, my peace of mind, my communication with my H, my attitude around my H, my ability to speak intelligently....<P>well, hope that helps you as much as it help clarify things for me, Happy writing!

<B>Question #2. Describe an action or behavior that reminds you that you have a deceitful heart.</B><P><BR>I resist dealing with all kinds of things in a timely way, secretly hoping that no one will notice that I am inadequate.<P><BR><B>Question #3- Explain ways in which denial causes you pain or embarrassment.</B><P><BR>End up having to apologize and make up for negligent errors. Everything gets found out sooner or later. The more deceit precedes D day, the worse it looks. <P><B>Question #4- In what areas of your life do you suspect that denial is most active?</B><P><BR>Money.<P>And denial is just another word for lack of faith. Do I not believe God's word that he will bless me for my obedience?<P><B> Question 6. What anxieties do you have about memories of your past? </B><P>None.<P><B> Question 7. Which of your behaviors are most damaging to your life? Explain.</B><P>Procrastination and denial. Playing cover-up by lack of organization.<P><B>Question 8. What obstacles keep you from asking God to search you and know your heart?</B><P>Forget to. Preoccupation with other stuff.

One of the first things God dealt with me about 5+ years ago was resentment. It seemed to be the first thing He worked on with me.<P>I sat in front of my computer one morning and typed up every resentment I could think of. It was a very long list having accumulated from over 18 years at the time. <P> After I finished typing them out, I prayed over each one of them. I then imagined a big picnic blanket and I layed them all on it. Then in my mind I had Jesus come and bundle them up and carry them off. Afterwards I took the physical list I had printed off and tore it up and literally burned it. <P>They were gone. I felt an amazing burden liften off me. To this day I can not remember any of those resentments. Now that is what I call taking them away. It really was amazing.<P><BR>Since that time I have had to periodically do this, but it never gets anywhere near as burdensome as it was in 1995.<P><BR>Try it , I hope it will work for you too.

It is pretty interesting as I continue to ask God to soften my heart, to take the hardness away. It is as though there is a crack in the dam, tear seepage that I cannot stop. Very hard for me to just cry in front of my H without an explanation. I guess too, the observation about the emeshment that occurs in this relationship is very interesting to me. If I begin to feel emotions, H either gets mad or gets sick, wanting any focus back on himself. In the past I have responded to this, not today. Just don't have it in me.<P>I guess too, as I have been talking this through with the Lord this morning, we singularly ask the Lord to change us and want some miracle change, without the hard work or pain involved in removing the dross from our lives. <P>Like you HW, I would say that most of my resentments at this point are in the here and now, that I have been healed from the past hurts. What I am realizing though is that my same get stuck place continues to be in verbalizing my stand with full confidence. I continue to experience fear in regards to standing up for myself. So perhaps that is why the Lord allowed me to come 3000 miles away from family and friends, so that I would have no excuses to deviate from this task, that I would have to look at myself and not put myself on the shelf in considering others more important, recognizing that I have not looked to my own interests at all, relinquishing the responsibility for self as Paul taught in Phil 2. to not <B>only</B> look out for your own interests, but consider others more important. I haven't considered myself important at all. I have abdicated the part about looking out for myself in that ratio. If I don't consider myself important, then how can others consider me important? <P>I think of the times when my children went through their rebellious stages and how I was disappointed at some of the choices they made, but also about how much I loved those guys in spite of those choices and realize that is how God is with me only more so. <P>PS 139:1 O LORD, you have searched me<BR> and you know me.<P> PS 139:2 You know when I sit and when I rise;<BR> you perceive my thoughts from afar.<P> PS 139:3 You discern my going out and my lying down;<BR> you are familiar with all my ways.<P> PS 139:4 Before a word is on my tongue<BR> you know it completely, O LORD.<P> PS 139:5 You hem me in--behind and before;<BR> you have laid your hand upon me<P>Nothing is hidden from Him, so why do I hide it from myself? I think it has to do with knowing that God wants us to get rid of all bitterness and malice, resentments, so I changed the name of them, I minimized them, I rationalized them or made excuses for them, so that they really weren't resentments at all? after all God allows righteous anger, right? Am I not fighting a spiritual battle here? What fools we are when we think we are wise. We are not fooling Him for He can see into our hearts. We can go nowhere and hide the truth of it from Him. <P>PS 139:7 Where can I go from your Spirit?<BR> Where can I flee from your presence?<P> PS 139:8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;<BR> if I make my bed in the depths,* you are there.<P> PS 139:9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,<BR> if I settle on the far side of the sea,<P> PS 139:10 even there your hand will guide me,<BR> your right hand will hold me fast.<P> PS 139:11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me<BR> and the light become night around me,"<P> PS 139:12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;<BR> the night will shine like the day,<BR> for darkness is as light to you.<P>From what stance then does our <B>serving</B> do? We busy ourselves in serving, we rationalize that our spouses are <B>high maintenance</B>, to quote a good friend of mine, that, to just keep abreast of them and their moods, needs etc. is a full time job. Hmmm?how good is my service if I am being so dishonest about myself and what is going on with me? I am thinking I am using this as another excuse to avoid working on me. Not enough hours in the day and I am beginning to realize that everyone is getting shortchanged. <P>LK 10:38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. [39] She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. [40] But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"<P> LK 10:41 "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, [42] but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."<P>Martha missed the mark, what am I missing?<BR>What are you missing? <P>When you listen to the silence,<BR>What do you hear?<BR>Do you hear the gentle breathing, <BR>Of the One who is so near?<P>Do you sense His heartbeat,<BR>The caress upon your face?<BR>Do you recognize that this moment<BR>You are the holy place?<P>You are the temple,<BR>Do you hear His sweet voice?<BR>You are the temple,<BR>Hallelujah, rejoice!<P>

I need to go back to questions #4 and#6 this morning......another dream! Ugh!!! I am so sick of reliving my past in my sleep. I know it was instigated by the fact that I started my new job yesterday. My h had to go for a Dr. appointment which involved a trip out of town, one which I would of accompanied him on. SueB, I am not standing guard and the same exact dream is popping up. I woke up full of anxiety about the job and yesterday I felt on top of the world.<P>So, I guess I am still denying the grip the other woman has on my future and definately full of anxiety over the new job and time away from home. I told my h that I needed truthfulness if anything like the past occurred again. Of course he said, "Yes"! What else would he say.<P>I asked God this morning to once and for all take this horrid dream away. I need to trust Him to do that.<P>One other thing that could be triggering this dream again is that over the holidays the "phone calls" started again. Many hang ups and one peculiar on asking for my daughter who hasn't lived with us for many, many years. When I said she wasn't here, the caller just said ok instead of inquiring how to get ahold of her. It was a planned call to find out if the caller had the right home. The only good thing that came out of the calls was that my h finally believed it was her. Now mind you for the newbies, I am beginning year 5 of recovery......thats a long time for the ow to continue her evil.<P>Would appreciate any responses to this repeat visit of dreams and ow.<P>Taj

A lot of times we work out our anxieties through our dreams that we have difficulty admitting when we are awake. Seems our subconscious is more honest than we are. Sometimes it is the dream that allows us to admit the fear that we have denied when we are awake and it when we admit the fear while awake that the dreams stop. <P>It is when we are awake that we can in prayer ask what exactly we are afraid of, fear that A would rekindle, fear of losing control, fears might even be related to the new activity in our life, i.e. job, are we good enough, do we have what it takes, and present itself in another scenario where we felt afraid and out of control. Any activity which puts us in low man on the totem pole status after havng been on the top previously would throw us into the same anxiety mode. It is important to investigate where the fear comes from and to put the word of truth across it. Q. Are you good enough? A. Of course you are, that is why you were hired for the job.... Q. Has H taken the steps to rebuild your marriage? A. Yes, including going before the church in humility, willing to accept all consequences for his behavior. Willing to stand next to you in a new ministry opportunity...willing to...you name all the evidence before you...<P>After that, you battle the fear with the truth. You confess unbelief or sin and know that you have been forgiven and wiped clean. You bring that truth to any other dream rebuking the lie before you that wants to tear apart what God has put together. You are building a new you, ridding yourself of the dross from the past, to wholeness, changing into the wife and woman God has designed for you to be, in confidence from inside. <P>So go back to questions 4 & 6 if you must. Root out what needs to be rooted out to allow more dirt to be available for the roots of love to grow. Hugs Taj!

Whew! I can do that, gardenings my hobby! <BR>Love to get my hands in the dirt. LOL<P>All kidding aside, the frustration I felt this morning is gone and I am just brain dead from reading all the orientation info from the new job. I will work on ques. 4&6 tonight and try and deal with this stuff once and for all.<P>Thanks again SueB<BR>

Just don't be so hard on yourself as to think that once and for all will occur tonight. Wouldn't surprise me if you get a large chunk of it, but as I am finding, it still sneaks up in other areas that I hadn't considered. Look for the patterns Taj, that is what I am finding most interesting. How some of my responses today are similar to what they were as a child. How we can now give ourselves permission to be the adult and not respond as we did when we were children.<P>Happy digging you little gardener!