Hard to know what to say here. Esp since people here don't really know me that well. I just feel so discouraged.<P>First off maybe I should say that I'm 31-will be 32. I've never been married and have no children. I'm christian. I have a good head on me and a good heart. I'm intelligent, stable (usually), attractive (no problem getting dates), upbeat (usually), I'm committed, have had good relationships and friendships yada, yada. Nothing is weird or majorly wrong with my life I suppose and I know life is full of disappointments... I've had my happiness too and perhaps more than many people. <P>I've been in a 9-month male female relationship this last year and it was a 9 month relationship before that and then 3 & 4 year relationships. I date good people too. Like I said nothing majorly wrong with me or whatnot. Lots of good and admirable qualities. Anyway, looks like this 9 month relationship is going to end. We thought this was it. Made some mistakes, had some successes. But here's my issue... (sorry to be so long winded)<P>I was talking to an old friend the other day and asked, 'if you were to go back 10, 12 years and see where you are today, would you do it over?' Both of our answers were "No". I was surprised at our answers as we've both grown incredibly, had successes, fun, etc... Neither of us wanted to be single (although honestly I've turned people down)and we wanted kids. We never would have imagined that 10 and 12 years later we'd still be single. My job means nothing to me-relationships--friends etc are what mean something to me. I'm introverted, but I value people a great deal and interacting with them and I love my family and friends dearly. <P>I'm not going to commit suicide or anything, but I truely don't want to be a "survivor". I feel like the definition of a survivor is the last person standing. I don't want to stand alone-life is not worth it to not share it with others. Friends slowely are getting married and they have new lives that have less time for their unmarried friends and seek out married friendships (and I understand etc, etc...). A survivor to me is also someone who leaves people behind because they have outsurvived other people. They've moved on when other people haven't. That is against my very fibers-I'm a very dedicated and true friend and person. And that's in good ways, not in ways that are unhealthy.<P>I don't want to always be single or the title of my life to be single. I want to live and to share the joys, ebs and flows with someone else. While I am hurting now, I say this is important to me because it is, not just because of current situation...<P>What am I asking... I don't know...just somebody please talk to me!<P>HM

Harmonious Melody, Reading your post, A thought came to mind. I heard a testimony from a woman in a situation similar to yours. She was single and yearning for marriage. God directed her to seek himself with all of her heart. She did and made a decision to be content with being single and having a relationship with God that was first in her life. Not long after this, God brought an awesome person into her life and she was married. Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all of these things will be added unto you. I had to follow this advice myself as a married person (separated). I had to lay my marriage down and ask God to make me happy right where I was, alone. When I finally reached the point where I was happy having God in my life, things began to change. Sorry I can't remember the woman's name, nor the name of her book. Her testimony was powerful and really spoke to my heart. God does want to give us the desires of our heart, he just knows when the best time is to do so and still build the realtionship with himself that is what we truly need to have all other relationship be successful.

WELL, good morning my sister!<P>I would imagine that some days, it does seem hard to wait upon the Lord for the good gifts He has for you. I can ony hope though that you can see the wisdom of waiting and how you have been protected from some of the pain we have experienced here. That you are learning MB principals so that when you do receive the gift God has for you is admirable.<P>You could walk through the Power of a Praying Wife bible study with us, praying for the husband that God will bring you, continue learning about the kind of wife God wants you to be...just might find something in there that you haven't learned yet and that is important for relationships. You say you have had plenty of dates and relatinships and yet another one is disintegrating...are there any common threads between these relationships that you note that might be something that God wants you to learn? I do believe God allows things to happen that we might learn and grow from them... that you haven't jumped into a marriage just to be married says a lot about you so I commend you for that...but also in this time of discouragement for you, can you see God's hand working in your life to teach you something through these relationships. Is there some pattern that perhaps needs changing...<P>I do wish I had had your tenacity when I was younger... I have a 27 year old daughter who is going through some of the same discouragement that you are, so perhaps I am to learn from you to encourage her. God pulls us together for a purpose to encourage and lift one another up.<P>Perhaps if you were to walk through this study with us, you could see something in the relationships that you have had that provides an opportunity for change in yourself. <P>Don't know how encouraging this is for you, but I did want to welcome you and let you know that I care. Thanks for sharing!

Oneday, Thanks for posting/replying... Yes, I know about God wanting first place and trusting Him. As we all know that's a struggle. I don't know that it's more of a struggle or less for me than any of you. I'm reading a book right now called, "Dancing in the Arms of God". I'd seen somebody somewhere on the forum mention it and it is a really good book. I've wrestled with the marriage thing as far as giving it to God and I've done that and then I take it back again when I get encouraged--I'm human I'm afraid. Again He brings us to our knees to Him (throughout life) and we remember and we renew and refocus our blurry visions. I understand and my relationship with God is very real-more real than anything else is real. He is my provider and sustainer and resides in the marrow of my bones and spirit. However, at this time life just doesn't seem worthwhile to walk alone without other people. With Him, yes, but He has made us (or me at least) for community and fellowship and marriage is for this same thing as well...to walk together through life with. He said that is wasn't good that Adam was alone--he said Adam needed a helpmeet. Adam had God already(Adam had full access to God-incredibly so as this was before sin) but still God said it was not good that Adam was alone!!!! You are right though...during this time I fall to my knees again, OneDay!<P>Sue, Thank you for your post. I appreciate you ladies so much. I know you go through so much and many lives are so much harder and more difficult than mine. I am truely blessed in so many ways, but there is pain in my heart. I would love to do the Bible study with you guys!! Thanks for personally inviting me! I don't know if it is for God's will for a husband to me although I truely don't think I was gifted with singleness. Don't get me wrong. I can be independent in good ways-take care of myself--I've had to learn that of course. I've learned to contribute to my own happiness rather than relying on someone else to provide this for me. And I truly seek to contribute to the happiness of others! That is Very important to me. <P>You ask about common threads in my dating relationships. Wow, I've learned incredibly and a lot of it was growing into a mature person and I'm still growing. I hope to always be learning and growing. I wouldn't give up my past relationships honestly cause I've learned incredibly. I've learned a great myriad of things. One of the most important I found someone had put into words into a poem and it says it better than I can...<P>A Few Words of caring...<P>After awhile you learn<BR> that love doesn't mean leaning,<BR>that kisses aren't contracts, and presents aren't promises...<BR>And you begin to accept defeats<BR>with your head up and your eyes open,<BR>With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you can endure..that you really are strong and you really do have worth, and that with every new tomorrow comes the dawn. <P>I've had that poem for "at least" 5 years and it's truth hasn't changed. This last year I moved into a beautiful new place and on the deck I got flowerboxes and planted flowers. I was given 2 dozen long stem roses over the year like none I've ever gotten -and years ago I used to get them. God touches us in places that touch our heart, doesn't He? But truely, at this point in my life, Sue, I'm so busy working full-time...which I've been doing for years and am well established and I'm going back to school full-time (and everybody in my class in married except for me) and I'm committed to this education where I just don't see meeting someone for 3 years (at 31 going to be 32--that's a long time!). I literally don't have the time to invest startup time in a new relationship. I do understand that a man isn't going to fulfill me. I've grown into a woman in the last couple years. I've learned so incredibly from all my relationships. <P>I do know those relationships didn't work because those guys (even though they were good catches weren't the one's for me. I am a pretty good discernment of character and where I didn't know things God did, He took care of it and while most of those guys have had very good character and very admirable qualities, there were reasons we weren't good matches. I just don't want to always be single and without children. It doesn't bother me that I'm unmarried at the moment. I'd just like to be in that relationship where I knew it was ahead and children would follow because I don't want children right away in marriage either, but that's getting later in life for women to have children. Now is fine and I still have a couple years, but I'd like 3-5 kids. I know life doesn't always work out like we'd like or plan--seldom does it really. And trusting God is the only assurance we have truly. I know of people single who are older than me and they are wonderful christians very dedicated to the Lord-more so than me. I don't want to be like them though. I admire them and they may be gifted with singleness but I'm sure their heart has ached before from walking alone too. Life is not meant to be walked alone. <P>I will get the book. <P>Oh, thanks for your comment on jumping into marriage. I do take marriage very seriously and you're right, I'm not one to jump into it even with my achy heart! <P>If your daughter hasn't dated much, I would encourage her to date intelligently. You really learn a great deal about yourself through dating. It helps define things. It helps define what is important to you (even little things--none of us came with an instruction book and we are marvelously made) and it's good to know what is important to you is not the same as it is for other people. It sounds obvious, but it's quite distinctive. Dating is a ball of wax all it's own and people are in it for different things. Is your daughter mature for her age? Heartache in dating is common in all (perhaps in marriage too), but people have to learn to protect themselves and make wise choices. I just really am tired of investing so much into relationships (which I have enjoyed and been rewarded for in many ways) but tired of the impermanence of the situations. I've been fortunate and have learned to navigate my way to have long-term relationships in dating so mine have been very permanent if you look at percentages in dating, but the breakups are difficult-no matter who you are. <P>HM

Hey, guess what? I went onto Amazon.com to do a search for "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Martin and before I get to search and as soon as the Amazon.com webpage comes up--it recommends "Power of a Praying Wife"! Zowie! Zap! Okay, I get the message!

LOLOLOL-isn't He a trip!<P>Okay, so glad you will be joining us. You will find that we keep coming back to Chapter one a lot, mostly that we find God wanting us to continue taking logs out of our own eyes.<P>With your schedule the way it is, you are right that you don't have time or energy to put into a relationship....just a question, could that be a problem? Are you keeping so busy to ease the lonliness that you are missing those opportunities for community? Does committment frighten you and so the schedule keeps the relationships far enough away for safety? Don't know what your background is so wonder if making sure that the past (generational stuff) doesn't repeat itself keeps a bit of fear in there and when things get close, you chop them off? <P>Only you can answer these things, so I am just tossing them out for you and the Lord to chew on. I am so pleased that you will be joining us! New blood and insight is so wonderful and keeps us older gals on our toes....(I know, the rest of you won't admit it, but I hit the big 5-0 this year, so I know I am getting older!)<P>

Actually our relationship was going good despite school. Our problems didn't have to do with me having enough time for him. I can manage my time well (although it's a challenge) and when I do I'm less stressed and I made time because it was important to me. It was about boundaries like you guys talk about and my priorities too. Plus, he was supportive of my schooling. I don't have time to do the work to begin a new relationship--that's the issue now. I don't have time for that. It means late nights talking on the phone and initially relationships take an enormous amount of time. I gave him the 15 hrs a week (as recommended by Harley) plus some usually. <P>I think really, though I missed your question..about community and fellowship. I work with the 4th and 5th graders on Sunday's at church and am starting into a Small Group Bible study at my church in Jan or Feb. I do have christian friends and I do my best to keep in touch. Sometimes friends and family have to understand and sometimes I have to understand. Usually it works pretty well. But it is work and take effort and reaching out. <P>No, committment doesn't bother me. I'm a firstborn and very responsible and am indeed a very committed and faithful person. I'm committed at church and if nobody else shows up-they know to expect me etc... As far as marriage committment goes, it does scare me (healthily so I think). Forever in this life (I guess that's 40 yrs--something like that)is a long, long time and so I do think it is important to carefully select that person. I'm not the Runaway Bride. And I do have deep and fulfilling relationships.<P>I do entirely agree with you about the generational stuff. There is merit to that and it is worth taking a look at. My parents married when my mom was 27 (later for some people) and while they remain very committed I wouldn't say their marriage is the happiness, but I do see my mom taking more responsibility for herself and setting boundaries. I read the boundaries threads with great interest as they are a part of growth that always interests and at times challenges me. <P>I truly do believe we all need each other. My perspective can be skewed at times and someone else may see clearly or suggest something I haven't thought of. I DO SO APPRECIATE that. Rather than bungling around in the dark a little light might shine through. God has used many people in my life and continues to. He has many ways to speak to us and always His direction is right if only we can see and hear!<P>HM

Dear Sister, I can only tell you about the time in my life where I raced througha 4 year program in 2 and a half years, with a GPA of 3.77, with 7 children in the home with the goal that I wouldn't ever have to rely on a man to support me...thinking that then I would be free to love just the man and not what he could or couldn't give me...<P>In retrospect, I see how self-centered that was, of how I robbed the relationship and any future ones of joint growth, joint struggles and then joint victories. I remember seeing my mother's smiling face if she got 50 cents into the savings account, of how 50 years later, my father's pride in my mother still shines. Somehow my independent nature has robbed me of that kind of success. <P>When you think of a future relationship and marriage, the raising of children and the influence you will have on their lives, where does all this schooling come in? Are you willing to drop it all to give your best to them? My children are proud of those years of schooling but their greatest memories are of our time together, that I was there when they came home from school, that no matter what was going on, I dropped it all for them, that I created traditions for them to carry on to their children and memories that touch their hearts today.<P>I live in the East Coast/DC area now and the first time my daughter and grandson came to visit me, I had planned the ususal tourist gig of DC...do you know that was all dropped as my daughter chose to go to the National zoo because of the many years that we would pack a picnic lunch and spend hours and hours at our zoo in Nebraska, roaming as if there was no clock, talking and laughing and just enjoying each other. It really was a powerful lesson for me!<P>Of my 7 children, 5 were adopted. The youngest one adopted was 2, the oldest was 16. If you are called to be a parent, the possibilities are endless, so your age does not matter. I will admit that the umbilical cord during preganancy does connect to the heart in a mighty way and I cherish God for allowing me to carry those two children and raise them, but of the other five who were from significantly abusive homes, their tug on my heart was probably more intertwined through my heart than any experience I could have in my life.<P>Continue and grow with us sister. I love the internet because we can fit it in around our busy schedules. Let us know how we can pray with you and at the same time, use us to see how God is teaching us about relationships.<P>I am glad you are here.

Dear Sue,<P>Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and share of your experiences. I SO appreciate it. I need to ponder on what you have said... I really do.<P>Thanks so much for speaking to me and I believe God has used you through this even if I don't exactly know what it all means. I am enjoying the godly perspectives on the thread on Power of a Praying Wife. Amazon says they are shipping it for me today.<P>Thank you for the challenge and welcome and for reaching out Sue! May God truly, truly bless you!<P>HM