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#354758 01/06/01 12:56 AM
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Hi Ladies. I would like to ask for prayer, my heart feels like it has been ripped into shreds. My husband's drinking and cruel behavior is getting worse. I don't want to slip up and respond to him in an un-Christlike way and it is getting harder and harder not to. Plus, my dad has taken a turn for the worse. He had cancer surgery last year; they thought they got it all, but it has come back. He is in the hospital right now, had surgery Tues. My tears won't seem to stop. Please pray the Lord sends me strength and warring angels to fight these battles. I am so weary....<P>Love to you all,<BR>AW

#354759 01/06/01 06:57 AM
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Rootbeer,<P>My heart just aches for you and all that you have been asked to endure. God knows you are one of His mighty witnesses and has asked of you so much more then the average person. You have shown yourself to be faithful in every way and the presence of God in your life is evident to all of us. God doesn't ask anything of us that He doesn't first allow and second give us the ability to accomplish. <P>I have read all of your posts lately and sensed the weariness which you are facing. It has been such a long haul for you and only you can know when it is time to allow David to face his destructive lifestyle alone. If that time ever comes Rootbeer, just know that it was because God was chosing to withdraw your spiritual impact and use another approach to bring David to the end of himself so he might enter the Kingdom. Never feel you didn't give 100% of yourself for it is clear you have been one of God's faithful servants. God must watch out for your well-being as well Rootbeer. He will not allow you to be destroyed by your husbands sinful lifestyle. Truly you have been a "living sacrifice" for a long time now.<P>Father, bless Rootbeer with an awareness of Your presence beyond what she has previously known. Grant that she would see clearly your plan and know the steps she must take along side of You. Where there is weariness, replace it with power, where there are tears, collect them in your bottle and comfort her, where there is defeat, replace it with the knowledge of the victory we have in Jesus. Give her strength to be there in every way for her father and may You give healing to his body and wholeness to his soul. Father, there are times when we feel we just can't go on. This may be one of those times for Rootbeer.....show her she can do all things through Christ who will give her every strength. Bless my sister and keep her safe in Your care. IJN<P><P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18

#354760 01/06/01 08:25 AM
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Oh Taj, thank you so much for your prayers. Yes, I am weary, very weary, and feel like I just can't go on. I just can't take any more. <P>I am bewildered by his irrationality. I feel like he's become vicious and has turned on the one who cares about him the most in the world, probably the only one any more. None of his family members ever call him anymore, in fact the only persons who remembered him on his birthday a couple weeks ago was me, and my daughter.... the two people in the world he has hurt the most. Christmas was the same, except he did get a card from his mother a fews days after Christmas. He never sees the nice things I do for him, nor the kindness I try to show him. <P>Its like he's trying real hard to find something wrong with me or something he perceives to be wrong that I have done in order to attack me and cut me down. And I just don't know why. He has now started ridiculing for my faith; something he had not done before. No matter what I do, nor how hard I try, it is the wrong thing in his eyes and he shows such contempt for me. I guess this must be somewhat how Jesus felt when he was wrongly accused, whipped and beaten. Yet He did not respond to their cruelty, he forgave them. I wish I could be like Him, and endure the torment, but how. It is becoming too much, too painful. <P>I pray constantly asking the Lord to show me what I'm doing wrong to cause such hatred in my husband. And I do feel like David's sin is destroying me, and our son. <P>Father, thank You for these dear sisters and their prayers. Lord, though what my husband is doing does not even compare to the way the world persecuted You, I understand more how You must have felt. Thank You Lord for dying for our sins, for being persecuted for our sake, for loving us so much that You gave up all for us. I pray that Your shed blood covers these dear sisters, and me, giving us divine protection. Father, I pray for my husband's soul, save him before it is too late. Please Lord, bring him to a Godly sorrow, ready to serve You and glorify You. And Lord, I pray that you will help me to forgive him and show me how to love him the way You do. I pray knowing that Your Word says "the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up". Lord, please raise David up, healing his alcoholism. Thank You Lord for Your protection, for loving David and caring so much for him. Thank You Lord Jesus for being my fortress, my refuge. I need you today Lord. IJN AMEN

#354761 01/06/01 08:34 AM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>PS 6:6 I am worn out from groaning;<BR>all night long I flood my bed with weeping<BR>and drench my couch with tears.<P><BR>PS 6:7 My eyes grow weak with sorrow;<BR>they fail because of all my foes.<P><BR>PS 6:8 Away from me, all you who do evil,<BR>for the LORD has heard my weeping.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I don't know if this will help Rootbeer, but something has happened to me that I would like to share with you. Sundays seem to be the worse around here at times and the evil one seems to tighten his grip on my H on that day. I found myself feeling really grieved because scripture says go to your brother and be reconciled and then come back and offer your gifts to the Lord.<P><BR>I have allowed that verse to keep me home from church on some Sundays, since I could not be reconciled with my H as his terms of reconcilliation are against what I believe God would have us do. A couple of weeks ago, I realized this pattern and I also remembered the verse in ISA 2:30 Those who honor me I will honor, but those who despise me will be disdained.<P><BR>Since God knows my heart and my desire to honor Him and my H as He tells me to, I decided to go to church and let my H stew all by himself. I couldn't even tell you what the sermon was about. But I remember praying and praising, I remember leaving my anxiousness about my H's suspected negative response at the alter and I remember His word that "Today had enough to worry about". I can honestly (wow) say that for that day my mind battled tremendously, alternating between praising God and making plans for how I was going to safely move out of the house. Had the plan down pat, H teaches college one night a week and goes there directly from work, so I had a span of 18 hours to get all of my things packed and out of here. I had a lunch date scheduled with a sister who has been concerned for my safety all along and who prays with me and I decided that on that day, we would go rent an apt. I began going through my clothes and packing the unnecessary and getting rid of others, I packed boxes of other things that I knew my H would not miss as he isn't very observant. They are all stacked neatly down in the spare bedroom that my H never goes into. <P><BR>I have had some grieving events throughout this time, the news of my son's cancer threw me for such a loop! I almost thought that perhaps I wasn't supposed to find an apt, but just leave to be with my son. My tears ran a lot those days, sadness for him, continuing to grieve the death of a dream in Tom's death and the death of a dream with this marriage. The Lord knew I was more than willing to trade places with my son. And yet, as I think about my prayers a few weeks before that I wasn't ready for the Lord to come because my son had not accepted Christ and the truth that God's way are not my ways, etc. I have had some peace that perhaps this was the way for the Lord to get my son's attention. I am sorry this is so long Rootbeer, but so much has happened in a month's time!<P><BR>I went to lunch with my friend, and even told her on the way out that I was ready to go looking for an apt. We went to lunch and then shopped a bit. Talked some about moving and what had been going on, etc. And then she brought me home. One of the things that hit me was Pastor encouraging me to develop a body of support so that I could be encouraged and gain some relief from the hurt and strength to continue the battle before me. To continue for one more day...<P><BR>You know from this forum my desire to speak the truth in love, to be able to respond to my H in a respectful way a Jesus spoke to the Samaritan woman, not whitewashing the truth but to state it matter of factly with love. I have been working on that much here, my responses to my H matter of factly, without emotion though in some ways. Just the Social Worker in me stuff, the what is facts. I have been experiencing a sadness that we were not what God would have us become, and a strong realization that I couldn't fix this, I couldn't make my H see the light, I couldn't soften his heart, I couldn't go along with him and betray the Lord. It was the death of a relationship. Remember though that God's thoughts are not like our thoughts.<P><BR>These are the things I have been hearing as I prayed.<BR>HEB. 4:7 "Today, if you hear his voice,<BR> do not harden your hearts."<P><BR> HEB 3:12 See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. [13] But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. <P><BR>MATT. 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.<P><BR>I even went to therapy last Monday and could state all these things, the death of the relationship, the sadness , etc. without tears. They are just the way things are. Again though, the words TODAY ring in my mind and heart. I have pretty much poured out my heart in the digging stuff of the other thread, the denial and minimization I have been doing...I shared about finally understanding what everyone was talking about with the A/B thing and how doing C makes the other person uncomfortable and how they need to work through their own uncomfortableness without us enabling or rescuing them from their uncomfortable feelings. So where this all leads is that for TODAY, I will not harden m heart, for TODAY, I will stay with my H, for TODAY, I will speak what I know to be true, I will love my H in an honoring way in spite of how he acts, TODAY, I will not rescue him but continue to do C in response to his B. I do not know about tomorrow. I do not know about next week or next year. I only know about TODAY.<P><BR>So get this! My H says last night, that I am different and it is confusing him, that I am being more affectionate than in the past 3 years, that he can't explain what is going on. He is at the men's prayer breakfast this AM and then meets with Pastor after that. In he past I would have clung to those things with a vibrant hope that he would hear the gentle whisper and be convicted and there would be some miracle in our marriage...none of that matters now. What matters is that for TODAY I will not harden my heart.<P><BR> HEB 4:12 For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. [13] Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.<P><BR>I am laid bare before Him and for TODAY, I will act as He has taught me in all truth as I understand it until He teaches me otherwise.<P><BR>So my encouragement for you my sister is that for TODAY, nurture your father if you are able, tell him the things you haven't told him before. Love him as Jesus loves you. For TODAY, recognize that you are united with the Lord and one with Him in spirit, that you are complete in Him, free forever from condemnation, assured that all things work together for good, that you cannot ever be separated from His love, that you are established, annointed and sealed by God, that you have confidence that the good work He has begun in you will be perfected and that you do not have a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and a sound mind. Anything else is a lie and for TODAY you will not buy into lies. For TODAY, you will love your H and you will speak the truth in a matter of fact way. For TODAY, you will change your behavior to the unexpected C and allow your H to stew in his B and allow him to work through his own stuff. (Think about it, he came home from the meeting in a tither...truth hit him in the face and he didn't want to accept responsibility for it and wanted you to take the burden away from him) For TODAY, you will celebrate your oneness in Christ. <BR>MATT 24:35 Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.<P><BR>MATT 24:42 "Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come.<P><BR>TODAY, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts....Just for TODAY my sister.<P>Father, thank you for your word and how you have brought us together as a sisterhood of support for one another. Father, make your presence know in a mighty way for Rootbeer TODAY, let her be in awe of how You attend to her. Give her strength for TODAY father to meet those things that you would have her do. Let her experience your peace as she attends to TODAY and bind her mind from thinking beyond this day. Let her experience your fullness of joy, let her be senstive to the Spirit's whisper if she attempts to take responsibility for anything not hers. Guard her heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Just for TODAY, father give her the full measure of your love for her. IJN, Amen.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by SueB (edited January 06, 2001).]

#354762 01/06/01 10:09 AM
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SueB, Those verses are my lifeline today... My couch and my bed are soaked with tears this morning. The Lord must know how broken my heart is. I believe that He IS hearing my prayers and cries of desperation. <P>Wow I am excited about the awakenings in your husband. Praying for you and him SueB. The Lord is working a miracle, His hand is on your life dear sister.<P>SueB, you message holds so much TRUTH! Just for TODAY..... that is what my bookmark from Al-Anon says..... Just for Today endure for 12 hours what I could not fathom enduring for a lifetime. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Think about it, he came home from the meeting in a tither...truth hit him in the face and he didn't want to accept responsibility for it and wanted you to take the burden away from him<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yes, he has been very angry at me for the last two weeks, all having to do with these meetings. What you said is almost verbatim what my prayer partner said..... he is being forced to face the truth of what he has done and become and he doesn't like it, so in order to justify his behavior he shoves the blame onto me and denies, denies, denies.<P>He has on 2 occasions in the last week told me that he wants me to call the judge and tell him it was all a mistake and he doesn't belong in those meetings. When I kindly refused, stating that I felt that the meetings would be beneficial, he became belligerent. He has now convinced himself that he has "never" hit me (I guess he forgot about the pictures the judge has that my daughter took of me over a period of years after his attacks and my daughter's testimony.... along with others) and I am the one who is nuts. He told me again last night that he doesn't need counseling..... I am the one who needs to see a counselor. And I matter of factly agreed with him that counseling would be helpful. That made him madder. In his twisted thinking he feels that if I loved him I would get him out of the abuse counseling..... yet the TRUTH is because I DO love him I will not interfere with what the judge ordered. Last night as he verbally abused me, I was quiet, then quietly asking him "was that kind David". He called me some profane names. It is Satan, I know that.<P>David is not here, he is working at a jobsite about 80 miles away. I plan to do things that I want to today, like go shopping for as long as I feel like it, and not clean up the house! Usually I rush around every Sat. and get everything spotless and in order and am exhausted by Sat. nite. <P>My heart is staying soft I think, and I pray that the Lord keeps my heart from hardening and becoming unforgiving. What keeps me from turning to complete despair is the knowledge that I am doing what the Lord wants me to do by praying and standing for his salvation and that no matter what happens, the Lord will take care of me. I'm clinging hard to the hem of his garment by a thread.<P>It also seems that when I go to church the attacks are more vicious. I do go every Sunday, and have now started back going on Wed. nites.... it was after church Wed. nite when he screamed at me for asking him if my mom had called (my dad had surgery on Tues.). His behavior will not keep me from going to church.... I feel such peace and relief when I'm there. <P>Lord, I lift up SueB to you asking Father that she is under your protective wing today. Help Her Lord, to be a glorious example of your love, grace and mercy. I pray for her husband, asking for a deeper softening of his heart, and that You will keep Your mighty hand on him today; turning him on the course towards righteousness. Bring him to a greater understanding of Your Word today please Lord. IJN I pray, AMEN.

#354763 01/06/01 10:12 AM
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A verse to ponder....<P>"When a strong man, fully armed, guards his own palace, his goods are in peace." - Luke 11:21<BR>

#354764 01/06/01 11:23 AM
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AW, <BR>It breaks my heart to hear the troubles you're enduring. Remember though, the path from withdrawal to intimacy travels through conflict. <P>Since I first posted in this forum, SueB has been helpful on many occasions. One thing that really helped me was taking a good look at the burdens you're carrying. How many of them belong to your H? I worried so much about my H ending up under a bridge if our marriage were to dissolve. That's really not my burden to bear. I started setting down the burdens I carried for my H. Months later they are still sitting there unattended. <P>Then I started thinking about a future without my H. That made me so sad. I didn't want to give up on my H. I could see that my life energy was turning into dust. Due to financial disaster in my life, I didn't think separation was even a possibility. Then I allowed myself to think about it. You know what? A friend is out of town for an extended period and I found a place to stay at no cost. Wow. <P>I moved out on December 18th. H became very withdrawn. No concern for me ever seemed to enter his mind. There seems to be just one person in his life that concerns him, and that person is him. He probably would deny that, but that's my consistent reaction to his behavior. He complains that I henpeck him. I really don't know what I do that makes him feel that way. All of our financial problems are my fault, yada yada yada. You know the drill. <P>I moved out primarily to try and rebuild myself. My sense of self worth, self confidence and self esteem are all pulverized. My secondary reason was to give my H a wakeup call. I expect him to accept responsibilities. I expect him to realize that life can't be spent within a self-defined comfort zone. Two weeks later he wasn't budging an inch. My future is so uncertain that I couldn't even visualize a single thing I'm good at. I was in despair. The prospect of divorce was staring me in the face, and I was turning my back on it. That's not what I want. <P>Finally, I decided that my H is never going to change. He's so stubborn that he's going to stay exactly the way he is right now for the rest of his life. I started formulating plans for filing bankruptcy, then liquidation of the household and divorce. You what happened next? My H started coming around! Having discussions is not part of our history. My H isn't in the habit of listening to me. He's very good at shutting out everything outside his comfort zone. Last night we had a long talk. No angry outbursts, just a few LBs, and he LISTENED. I'm in shock. I waited so long for this to happen. After reaching a conclusion that I would never ever see the day, he finally comes around. I should be celebrating I guess, but it's really very confusing. Is this change fleeting? Is it here to stay? I don't know. <P>What I can say is this: AW, you've tried and tried and tried for a long time. There must be one more thing that you haven't tried yet. Think of something that you haven't tried yet, and try it. Consider all your options. When you consider options, acknowledge some things on the list are things you don't want. Be sure to include your wildest dreams on the list too. Think of a miracle and put that on the list. Pray for the miracle and consider an action plan based on other items on your list.

#354765 01/06/01 03:15 PM
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Everyone<P>I don't know exactly what to say except pray for you all. My heart goes out to you. I have just finished a crying spell and have not had tears for several days.<P>Father,<P>I lift aw, sueb and lonesome heart up to you. Lord, You are so good. You see, feel and know the anguish of their cries. The cries that come from disappointment and broken dreams and hurt. Lord, You are there to catch them and I ask that You bring Your presence into their lives in a powerful way this day and renew their strength in You. Lord where they are weak, You are strong. Lord, I pray Lord that they are crying out "nevertheless, I will, Thy will, Lord."<P>Lord take their hands in Yours and lead them. Give them the strength they need to live joyously in You this one day. Let them turn from thoughts and obsessions that seek to chain them to the images the enemy plants in their minds. Lord, let them lift praises in Your name because You are worthy of our praise. Lord Your ways are not our ways but they are so much better than what we can do. <P>Lord You promise: "And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you atrong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen" (1 Peter 5:10-11)<P>Lord thank You for calling us out of our circumstances and inviting us into Your presence during the hard times. You are there whether we feel You or not.Then You promise to restore it all to us. <P>Lord work in ways that are beyond what we are even capable of thinking of. Lord touch david, ralph, lh's h and jack. Give them life in Christ this day. Soften their hearts toward their wives and let them come even one step closer to You.<P>Keep aw, sueB and lonesome's hearts soft and flesy trusting in You to work it all according to Your will and for our good. In Jesus name, Amen.

#354766 01/07/01 01:18 AM
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You gals are filling my heart! Tears of joy and gratitude. The only way to peace is through valley of shadows sometimes. Congratulations to you two!<P>AW, you might have to go to that point SueB and lonesome heart reached, the same point I reached seven years ago, the point of being willing to walk away without looking back, before the lost one takes you seriously. It is a shame, but that is the strength of fear and human weakness. Anything to avoid self-recognition and repentance!<P>I think of my marriage as the vows I made before God. This is between me and my God. My marriage is a lot more about my relationship with God than about my relationship with my husband. We are commanded to learn to get along with fallen mortals. Not angelic heavenly beings. That would be too easy and we would never have to grow. <P>But I don't think it is supposed to be this hard! It is supposed to bring joy and comfort. Willful sin destroys the soul, the family, and the children unto the fourth generation!!!<P>So, I didn't make my marital vows to my H exactly, but promised God that I would act in my H's best interest. Sometimes that has meant tough love. Even the toughest of tough love. That is the way I honor my vows and my God. <P>This does not necessarily mean that I would be the one to file for divorce. Legal Separation, possibly, because legal action is the most humane way we have of minimizing the destruction an out-of-control abusive, chemical dependent or cheating person can have on the lives of the other family members. <P>H knows that I am not going to be the one to leave. That has made a huge difference to him. He also believes and knows that he won't be able to stay if he behaves too badly!


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