We've been rebuilding our marriage for 3 months now, but every few days my H asks me something regarding the affair. Let me describe some of the things I experience when he asks me details.<BR> <BR>1. It causes tremendous pain to think of details of the OP. It's hard enough to go through withdrawal without having to think of specifics.<P>2. I feel guilty, angry, and defensive toward my husband because, no matter how nicely the questions are posed, I feel they are accusatory and judgmental. <P>3. H's questions allow him to define the affair as he wants to see it. There is no way that I can describe to him (maybe years down the road I can) all that transpired during the affair. I'm still trying to sort all that out for myself. Asking particular questions allows my H to corroborate HIS idea of what the affair was all about.<P>4. I feel that bringing up the affair is some sort of retribution on his part. Why is his need to know more important than my need to preserve my sense of self, recover from withdrawal, and focus on meeting his needs?<BR>Is this payback time? <P>I get terribly discouraged some times. I gave up the OP for my family. I am fully committed to rebuilding the marriage. We are both going to counseling. I am working so hard at meeting my husband's needs. I feel remorse and have apologized to my H many times. I am working on rebuilding trust. Is this not enough? <P>This whole mess is not just about the OP. It is about our marriage.<P>Thanks for letting me vent.

I am the one asking the detailed questions and sometimes I am not sure why I want to know this information. The best explaination is that what the true facts are cnnot be worse than the pictures and scenario my mind has created.<BR> If you truly are willing to work on your marriage and give your husband what HE needs to overcome the devastation you have caused then you must be willing to give him WHAT EVER he asks and not question him on why. He may not be able to answer the why but by giving him all the info he needs it shows you are willing to divulge the most personally and emotionally aspects of the infidelity. With out this he will always wonder what you are keeping from him.<BR>

I am the one asking the detailed questions and sometimes I am not sure why I want to know this information. The best explaination is that what the true facts are cnnot be worse than the pictures and scenario my mind has created.<BR> If you truly are willing to work on your marriage and give your husband what HE needs to overcome the devastation you have caused then you must be willing to give him WHAT EVER he asks and not question him on why. He may not be able to answer the why but by giving him all the info he needs it shows you are willing to divulge the most personally and emotionally aspects of the infidelity. With out this he will always wonder what you are keeping from him.<BR>

I am the one asking the detailed questions and sometimes I am not sure why I want to know this information. The best explaination is that what the true facts are cnnot be worse than the pictures and scenario my mind has created.<BR> If you truly are willing to work on your marriage and give your husband what HE needs to overcome the devastation you have caused then you must be willing to give him WHAT EVER he asks and not question him on why. He may not be able to answer the why but by giving him all the info he needs it shows you are willing to divulge the most personally and emotionally aspects of the infidelity. With out this he will always wonder what you are keeping from him.<BR>

I am the one asking the detailed questions and sometimes I am not sure why I want to know this information. The best explaination is that what the true facts are cnnot be worse than the pictures and scenario my mind has created.<BR> If you truly are willing to work on your marriage and give your husband what HE needs to overcome the devastation you have caused then you must be willing to give him WHAT EVER he asks and not question him on why. He may not be able to answer the why but by giving him all the info he needs it shows you are willing to divulge the most personally and emotionally aspects of the infidelity. With out this he will always wonder what you are keeping from him.<BR>

Trying,<P>Speaking from experience, the reason your H could be asking for details is, like me, his imagination will and can always make something more painful than what it really is. Everytime I think about what "might" have happened, I need to remind myself of that. He might also be looking to "take back" those memories. One thing that's suppose to help is to go to the same places you and the OP went and have a good time with your H there. Thus making good memories with you and your H there, not you and the OP. Trust me, no matter what you do for him will ever make it up to him. That'll never happen! You hurt him like nobody can. This you'll never really know unless someone who you feel the same about does exactly the same thing to you. If you want to work things out, you both have to work on it together. He needs to know what it was that caused this to happen and you both need to know how to keep it from happening again. Throw away the old marriage, that one's dead, you killed it. Now, start a whole new one, a better one. If you can, they say it'll be better than ever. This I cannot attest to since my wife isn't really working on a "new" marriage, says she's willing but actions do speak louder than words. Good luck. I'm willing to help any way I can in understanding what he might be feeling, but only he can really tell you. TALK! Talk all about it if need be, put ALL your cards on the table, get it over with and stop letting little details out here and there. That'll only prolong the pain for both of you.

Trying Again,<BR>You may be so wrapped up in your own pain and confusion, you can not appreciate your H's pain and anguish.<P>For months after I discovered my H's affair, I thought I was insane. I could think of nothing else. I was literally crushed. I lost much of my sense of self. Nothing made sense. The pain engulfed me. I needed details (not little physical things) to get a grip on what I was dealing with.<P>If I knew only part of something, my mind would spin out of control making up some horrible script. I couldn't make it stop. When my H was open and honest, even if I didn't like what he said, I could then deal with that particular issue. It still hurt, but it gave me some feeling of control or progress. The unknown was overwhelming to me. <P>I did feel legitimately angry. And I did want to see total remorse so I felt less threatened and more assured. And there was many many things I had to grieve the loss of...like the purity of my marriage...my unconditional absolute trust, etc... But everything had the larger goal of recovering and rebuilding. I would hope that counceling can channel your efforts for both of you.<P>Remember, you know where you head and heart are. Your H has no idea. Sadly your words mean little...he can't trust them, even if he wants to and even if you are truthful, which I am sure you are. He feels lost. However, your congruent actions over time will rebuild what has been lost and your improved commitment and communication will give you the chance for a better marriage than ever.<P>Remember, just because you feel something doesn't make it true. You may feel you H is doing all of this to punish you or to be accusitory or judgemental. That may not be his purpose at all. Be careful of your interpretations or you could end up on a downward spiral instead of a recovery.<P>Best of luck.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I know what you are going through. My H asked alot of questions, and I answered them the best way that I could.. I knew some of the answers would be painful for him to hear, but I wanted to be open and honest and not hide anything..Some of the questions were very very difficult and painful, for me and for him.I felt like I was spilling my guts, and I was, and in a way it felt really good, no more secrets. He knows he can ask me anything, and I will answer it the best I can.I tired to remember what I had done, why we are where we are right now, so that I would not feel defensive. There was a few times he asked one of the very difficult questions again, 2 weeks after I already answered it, and I told him that I had already answered that, and that I know my answer hurt him at the time, and I didnt think it would help either of us if I answered it again. He didnt pressure me to answer it again ( I would of if he did ) but I want him to ask me the questions NOW, and have the answers he needs to move forward. If they dont ask them now, and get the answers, then they be asking them for years to come.I dont want to be answering these questions when I'm 80 years old, and I can't even remeber my name, let alone the OM's!! If you can, let him ask ask ask, he needs this in order to move forward. Before you know it, he will have the answers he needs, and the questions will stop. Hopefully<BR>take care.<p>[This message has been edited by patty co (edited August 22, 1999).]

One more thing...yes...after a question was answered, I could usually put it aside unless it brought some other issue to the surface. But when it was dealt with, it was dealt with and I could move on. Bit by bit I got through it all. My H didn't start giving me many details until a couple months had passed and the question answer period lasted about two months...probibly no more than really a four or six hours all added together, but it was hard for him.<P>Sometimes now, over six months later, I still want to ask something, and if it kept bugging me I would, but I restrain myself because I can see how it hurts him and I am now reasonably sure of our recovery.<P>It is just something to get through..and you will get through it better if you think of yourself on the same team rather than on opposing teams. I think you may need to change your mindset a little to think less of it as my pain vs. your pain and more as our collective pain to head through together, holding hands, in order to come out the other side.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

TA - I have decided for myself that I will not ask a lot of the questions(if I get the chance) that I would like to. It's mostly because I know W won't want to talk about it and it would definitely be a LB. But maybe it would help if I give you some reasons why I would want to know.<P>First, men(for the most part) are very sexual animals and since they see sex more from a performance standpoint than women, there is a curiosity as to whether OM did a "better job" than H. After all, if the sex was better with H, why take the affair physical? Actually, I do understand some of the possible answers to that question, but my imagination wants to know for sure.<P>Next, I would want to know details because I want to make some kind of judgement as to whether it will happen again. You have to remember that your assurances, at this point, probably won't have much impact as trust hasn't been rebuilt.<P>Details about the affair also help to understand what is going through the mind of your S. I feel that if I know that, I can do things to prevent a repeat performance.<P>Sometimes, it is hard to detail what "needs" were not being met or maybe hard for the betrayed to completely understand given the explanation. Again, knowing everything about the affair, why, what and how, may give a clue to unspoken needs or to help clarify something that is not totally understood.<P>Another reason to know is to fill in what you feel are blank areas in your own life. While the affair is going on, the S is being excluded. It feels like you need to have the blanks filled in with what S was doing to try to make yourself a part of their life rather than just a spectator. I don't understand myself why I feel this way, but I do.<P>If the betrayer is willing to give details about the affair, the betrayed can feel that at least the honesty in the relationship is coming back. For me, the return of honesty is of paramount importance, even if I wouldn't like what I heard. I would be thankful for the open communication regardless of the content.<P>Lastly(at least for now), there is the indescribable. I have some feelings that I want to know everything and cannot even tell you why. Even if I eliminate all of the above, there is still the desire for the full story and I don't know what makes me desire it.<P>If I can think of anything else as far as how I feel, I will respond again. This probably doesn't make you feel any better, I really understand why it wouldn't, but maybe it will help you to understand where your H is coming from.<P>Good luck to you and your H. Just remember that his pain is at least equal to yours, just different causes.

Thank you all so much! <P>Michelle, I disagree that I need to give my H whatever he asks for right now. He is not the only one recovering. We are both in this together. I cannot let my H continue to debase me at will. Both of us have to show consideration of each other during this time.<P>Blues, it is true that my H's imagination if far worse than reality. There is a way of questioning which feeds into that imagination, however. You are right, I need to talk a lot. It is very tough.<P>FHL, you gave me some understanding of what my H is going through. You see, instead of asking things like "What were the things he told you that made you feel so good about yourself?" he asks "Did you have anal sex with him?" (no, I didn't) and other, more outrageous, questions. These type of questions make me wonder how he could think of the sort of things I would do. That I have no judgment at all? But, I am beginning to understand that in his mind he does think that because otherwise how could I have done something to terrible to him and the family.<P>Thank you patty co. I guess with time the questions will be less frequent and probing.<P><BR>

Trying Again,<P>I knew my H wouldn't cheat on me. I mean I knew that like I knew my parents loved me and that my faith is in God.<P>When I found out he could and did cheat on me (he didn't have sex either) it like kicked out a leg of the foundation of ideas I had built my life on and basically made me lose my sense of self. It is really hard to explain...but it is true.<P>I found that I didn't know what H was capable of. I was wrong about what I believed, so it was impossible for me to discern the degree to which he could fall...so I had to question everything. Does that make sense. It wasn't that I really thought he was worse than he was about the affair...I just couldn't trust my own judgement to evaluate the situation. I have never felt so helpless before. But it got better.<P>During the worst (several months) it was like I had a giant filter in my brain and everything that I thought had to run through the filter. I don't mean to offend you, but I literally kept thinking...my H is an adulterous lier. It was such a foriegn concept to me, I really had to make up a new value and belief system to deal with it.<P>Now I realize my H is human and that I can only put my complete trust in God. Actually that was quite freeing and I do trust my H...it is just not an absolute...which in reality it wasn't before...I just thought it was. Overall my emotional health and the health of our marriage is stronger than ever. I still wouldn't have willingly went through it, but we did learn from the pain.<P>Hope this helps.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

TryingAgain -- This is a subject that I have been intimately involved with recently (see my post on "page 2" will the questions never end.) Much of what the others have already told you was stated in my thread, but it may give you a petter perspective from the betrayed point of view. Also, my W has responded in that thread, and perhaps her position can be of use to you as well.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I get terribly discouraged some times. I gave up the OP for my family. I am fully committed to rebuilding the marriage. We are both going to counseling. I am working so hard at meeting my husband's needs. I feel remorse and have apologized to my H many times. I am working on rebuilding trust. Is this not enough?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Right now, in your H's mind, NO that is not enough. I know that is hard for you to hear, but he does deserve answers to whatever questions he may have. And if you truly want to meat his needs, then this is a subject you will have deal with.<P>I don't want you to think that I am bashing you, because like my W you have shown tremendous effort, love and strength by being with your H and trying to make things work.<P>Read my thread. It might help you some. I will also ask my W to read this thread. Maybe she can give you some insight as well.<P>God Bless

TryingAgain-<BR>One's perception is their reality. When questions go unanswered, the perception in my mind becomes my reality. What else do I have to go on? I can no longer assume many of the things I once did about H, because I once assumed that he would not have an affair. It calls into question many things that I would NEVER have questioned before. I had a perception of my marriage and now that has changed. To rebuild, we must create a NEW reality based on no secrets and a better understanding of one another. This is why open and honest communication is so key at this point and in the future.<P>Good Luck and God Bless!

Trying again, I know that answering all the questions could be difficult, but knowing your mate for life, has been intimate with someone else is beyond anything you can imagine. Your H doesn't know you anymore, you took away his trust he had with you, so now he may doubt everything. I don't think he is asking questions to put you down, but he has a need to know what happend. I needed to know, I kept asking what if I would have done this....or would have done that? What did they have together that my H couldn't find with me? You said he shouldn't be able to ask you all of these questions, but you need to remember he has been put in this situation with no choice. None of chose to have our spouses cheat, and I'm sure most of us would have rathered not be here now. Just remember the more you answer and answer honestly, the questions will slow in time. They have for me, but every now and then one will sneak up.

I just checked in and found all these wonderful responses. I don't have time to address them right now, but you've all given me much to think about. I will post when I have more time. Thank you all.

TryingAgain,<P>I think I can answer your question with, "Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. Well maybe that's not as good as I thought.<P>I taped the phone 5 months ago to find out W was having pizza with her "friend" at her twin sisters house. I could not honestly eat pizza for a month after discovery because it brought that terrible night back to me very vividly. Well that and the nausea, vomiting and diarrhea did't help much either.<P>I marched upstairs right then and there and threw her out of the house. I had just gotten home from work at 02:00. Put in 18 hours and was not prepared to hear this.<P>I believe that it is very hard for you to tell your H the details of what was not supposed to be a discovered event [the affair]. But the cat's out of the bag now time to fess up. There's that damn cat thing again.<P>I have a need to know things too. I asked Val where they went, what did they do? Stuff like that. I think I just want to know that if we're in a restaurant, was this "their" hangout? Are we sitting at "the" table. Is she thinking of me or him now?<P>I find it hard to ask my W questions, but find it harder to listen to the answers. Is she telling me the true now?<P>I would suggest to you that you both agree on a question and answer time. Limit the time to maybe half an hour a week, but don't limit the type of questions. Answer honestly. Allow civil discussions on feelings. If it starts to get nasty. TIMES UP.<P>This is my brilliant idea when Val comes home. I know it will be difficult but I'm ready to work like hell to fix this.<P>Wishing us all the best.<P>Medic

Trying --- I also was the betrayer in my marriage. My H would ask questions and I had a very hard time answering them. I tried to deny everything but that backfired in my face. Trying to hide things just didn't cut it. I didn't want to answer all of his questions because I felt that if I answered his questions he would throw it in my face and put all the blame on me. I was hating myself for what I did and didn't want to "relive" it by answering my H's questions.<P>Then I realized that I had to answer them. That I had to get things off my chest. If I wanted to meet HIS needs then I had to answer the questions. The questions were part of his needs. I'll admit right now that I know my H still has lots of questions. One of these days I may actually say that I've answered all of his questions. Right now all I can do is work on making myself better and learn to open up and be more honest with my H. I love him very much. <P>If your H wants answers then give him them. You don't have to answer them all at once. It will take time to answer them all. I have found out that the answer "I don't know" is acceptable, that is until I figure out what the answer really is. If your H asks if you had anal sex with OM then let him know. Answer everything you can as honsetly as you can. It can only help you in the future and help to improve your marriage.<P>God bless

these replys are good to read. i also want to know details and as i read these i was able to say "yea that's it". i want to know the details because i need to know the depth of the offense to truly forgive. i need to know what i need to forgive. and i need to know what is still only ours. my husband says they didn't shower together, so now when we shower together i can feel free and clear. he did do a favorite sexual position with her though, so i need to work through that. inevitably, there are things on both categories. but it is better to be able to have some "free and clear" things rather than think that nothing between us is special or sacred or untouched by the difilement. i guess this sounds kind of crazy but it is how i think of it.

Thank you all for your helpful responses!<P>Just as I cannot fully comprehend the pain my husband is going through, he cannot understand how painful things are for me. Answering questions is extremely painful and I'm not so sure that it is a necessary step to recovery. <BR>One of the ideas I am trying to convey here is that my H has formed this image of the affair in his mind which is largely incorrect. When he asks questions he is barking up the wrong tree. I had an emotional long distance affair. So, his questions seem very demeaning to me.<BR>At the same time, I am not going to volunteer information. I tried a little of that, but he didn't want to hear about it, largely because my comments had to do with emotional matters.<P>Heartpain, you are right that men focus on the sexual aspects of affairs. Focusing on that detracts from the real problems in the marriage. I've been with my husband for close to 20 years and sex (not necessarily lovemaking) was always great. I certainly didn't need to look elsewhere for that. <P>FHL, I think you are right that he has lost some touch with reality in all this and is trying to recover it. And you also touched me with the idea that we need to approach this as a couple. I think that right now we are still more or less in opposite camps. I am trying to defend myself as a person. I do not defend the affair. But just like my H has had his judgment of reality questioned, so I've had mine. I cannot understand how I became what I had never imagined myself to become. How I could emotionally distance myself so far from my H and place all this intimacy so readily with someone else. <P>Empty Shell, I have the impression that my H is trying to regain what we had prior to the affair by asking questions. I believe that neither one of us will come to a full understanding of all happened. I understand that some questions are necessary and reasonable. I've read many comments about asking questions without lovebusting. In my opinion any question is a lovebuster. <P>Enlightened, I think you have hit on some of the problem. His perception of the affair is not reality. By asking only certain questions, however, he tries to make it reality. And to make matters worse, he doesn't believe in my answers. When he asks me how many men I slept with, I get uncomfortable because of the implication of the question, and he assumes I must be lying about my answer.<P>gladimadeit, your type of questions would seem more reasonable. Still, any question is terribly painful. <P>MEDIC238, I can see my H thinking many of those same things you mention. I think it's a great idea to set up the time and limit the duration of the the questions. <P>hopeful1771, I don't feel any sort of relief after answering questions. The relief I have felt is from ending contact with the OM, because my deception would no longer continue. So often I read here and so often my H tells me that the deception was the worst part of the affair. Yet the focus of recovery seems to be what happened with the OP, not what, how, or when I lied.<P>neen, I understand some of what you are saying. I think that anything you do with or say to someone else is different that when you do or say it with your H. It's the emotions that are generated, not the movements made or the words formed. <P>All of you have helped me understand a lot of what my H is going through. As time goes on I realize more and more the devastation of an affair. Perhaps with time, my H's questioning will get more reasonable and my ability to answer will become better. I am being completely honest with my H, but at times it doesn't seem to matter much because he has lost his trust in me. FHL, I am reminded of the exhortations in the Bible not to put your trust in man. Also the words of Jeremiah: " The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"<BR>I believe it is very difficult to reach a true understanding of the affair through questioning of specific activities. I'd rather like to think that it was a terrible event from which we should move forward. <BR>I truly appreciate everyone's input. Thank you.