Hi,<BR> I am fairly new to this site. Posted some before Christmas and took some time out to reorganize life. Now I'm back for support and to give support if I can.<BR> I was struck hw by some things you said to lonesome heart on a thread from Jan 13.<BR> You said you were standing for your marriage. I have had a hard time finding someone that has stood that long. <BR> I have been praying and standing for 6 months. And I have just recently been able to release my marriage to God. I prayed for direction. He stirred in my heart that I should be still-not say a word. That morning in devotions I turned to the old testament. (unless it's the Psalms that's something I don't normally do). I came across Joshua 6:10<BR>"Do not give a war cry, do not raise your voices, do not say a word until the day I tell you to shout."<BR> This really struck me and like you have realized in the last few days that he has been doing tremendous things in my life. <BR> Now me and my H (WS) have two teenage boys and things come up that we need to talk about. But unlike before, we don't talk about "things". We were best friends before all this and we still did talk. But I realized he was getting all the emotional support from me and getting his physical support from OW. He just recently moved in with OW. So that's when I too realized I had to distance myself from him. He is living in sin and I can't condone that. <BR> I also came to realize that I was depending on him for everything- not God. I was leaning on the wrong person!<BR> God has changed me so much in the last 6 months (he moved out Sept 23,2000) that I thank Him for this trail because without it I couldn't have reached the point of leaning on Him.<BR> My H has clinical depression and has been on/off/on anti-depressant Celexa. His guilt is so overwhelming to him that it has been a huge burden for him. And yet he won't give it to God. I believe he believes that God won't forgive him for what he has done. But until he repents I have to leave that to God to convict his heart (and OW).<BR> I now also believe that even though he says he is a Christian, (he grew up in a strict Christian home, went to Christian school, always in church)that he never grasped the salvation prayer as a way to live.<BR> We have been married for 18 years, and have had the most perfect marriage. But because of his personality he holds many things inside not wanting to hurt anyone. But something was lacking evidently because the OW came out of the blue. In fact it happened so sudden that one month before I started to notice a personality change in my H our son said "I sure am glad I don't ever have to worry about you guys getting a divorce". And wham satan seemed to take that as a challenge and moved in. So I do know you can never say it can't happen to me because it can and does. I can't believe how many people have told me of people they know that this has happened to. <BR> My H is very confused and waiting for "something to fall on his head". He wavers between wanting a divorce one day to maybe not the next. My fear is that the OW is pressuring him so that they can get married. At the start of this he kept saying he wanted to do his own thing. This was before I knew of EA with OW. Now it makes sense, but he truly is not doing his own thing. <BR> Just wanted to hook up with you and tell you of the similarities.

deputdy wife,<P>Yes, I see many similarities indeed, unfortunately I guess we both could say!<P>What a journey the Lord, has each of us on. <P>I love that verse from Joshua that you quoted! I'll have to write that one out.<P>I became a Christian about 10 years ago and my husband accepted Christ in 1993. We went to a Bible study the next year together and then we moved over seas. At this point his job was very demanding with lots of travel. I hardly saw him. He at this point moved further and further away from the Lord. About 2 weeks before he met the ow I was trying to decide whether to do some Christian ministry. As the answer came, "If I want you to be president then you will be, and if not then you won't whether you volunteer or not. I thought that is an easy/simple answer. Then came "Put me in the middle of your marriage!" I looked up and around but there was no one there. I knew it was God, but I didn't realize it was a warning.<BR>So I went home and I did tell my husband, and he got mad almost, "Why now?" he said. So I dropped it. He went away for 3 months and during that time the ow was there. Now mind you not much happened there except EA. But it grew and even though he didn't see her for almost a year, she is a prolific writer. He loved her words and ideas, and that is what has him hostage. <BR>He says that he hasn't loved me since the 2nd year of marriage. Now I know there have been times that he felt that way, but it hasn't been the entire 24 years. However it seems that he forgets more and more about us and what he really felt. The more he compartmentalizes his life the more that seems to be lost. I think depression also plays into this, so it is frustrating.<P>After a job fell through and he went into major depression we realized that he had been depressed the entire time we'd been together. He has the hidden type, dysthymia, that Terrance Real writes about in "I don't want to talk about it." When we read about this then many things made sense.<P>I realize that when he first became critical of me, I withdrew. I could not understand how the man who had adored me turned on me so. And it was not consistant and I never knew when it would appear. It usually occurred when he wasn't feeling good about himself (now I realize). But we were always good friends and he use to call me his best friend. (He has forgotten all the good parts of us and me, it seems, but he sure remembers the negative or the negative he perceived that is)<P>My husband has stayed on the anti depressant consistantly except a short time. But before long it was evident that he needed to stay on it and went right back on.<BR>Until he moved out in Sept 1999, he only saw her when he traveled and the occassional time that she came to town. She lives 1000 miles from us. Unfortunately she works freelance and so as long as she has her computer she can take her job along anywhere.<BR>She now comes to town about 2 weeks a month. She stayed almost a month this Christmas, but that is the longest they have been together, and I have not heard of her being here since.<BR>I tried over the last few years to work so hard on the marriage, but I was doing it on my own. I tried convincing him.<BR>But in the end that is not what God wanted me to do. I just couldn't get the hang of "Putting Him in the middle." I realize I turned it into an idol and I didn't give my children the emotional support they needed those couple of years and a I had a pre teen girl then. She had a rough time from 13 - 16, but thankfully seems to be getting out of it. I finally sent her to a Christian boarding school and the structure has helped. I have worked hard on our relationship and my relationship with my 10 year old.<P>Last year my h and I began dating again, about April of last year. We were doing pretty good, enjoying each other's company without the strain. He told the ow that he wanted to date me. When she suggested that if he wanted to date he should tell her, he said no, just my wife. That was a Tuesday. On Thursday when he called her there was a message on her answering machine, instead of it saying I'm not home now leave a message it said, "Randy if this is you call my cell phone number." He freaked out as he thought she must have another man. He could not see it as manipulation just what it made him feel like. Well it is 8 months later and they have not moved in together and he is saying nothing. But I know her lease is up for renewal April 1st. So we will see.<P>After our dating ended I felt such a presence of God saying, shut up and wait, essentially. I realized i could not convince him of anything. Since that time God has been breaking down strongholds, causing me to seek Him more and more to rely on Him only. Everyday I realize a little more how God wants me to grow.<P>It may be that He totally takes him away from me, because it has to die to itself before He can resurrect it.<P>I have learned that sometimes the thing God wants you to give up is not sin, but your best thing, something that is entirely in His will. But in it's former state was born of us, and He wants it to be born of Him.<BR>So the year 2000, was about learning to seek Him with all my heart. 2001 is about learning to surrender everything to Him. Then waiting for Him to lead where ever.<BR> <BR>\I feel closer to doing that then I ever have. In hind sight I guess I have been like the Israelites, wandering in the desert. going around in circles. I sure don't want to do it for 40 years!!!!!<P>At this point I am trying to finish my last semester of clinical social work school and take care of my daughters. Thank God my mother in law is paying for my schooling and that my husband's guilt causes him to provide for our needs. Now, I know this is really God's provision.<P>I am getting involved in a daughter church of the one I have been attending and finding the smaller size more intimate and the music each week is so uplifting!!! The neat thing (and no coincidence I am convinced of) is that the Pastor moved into the same building as my h. In fact my h moved out of the bigger apartment when it was decided she wasn't going to move in and moved to the third floor. This pastor and his family moved in. When I heard that a pastor and his wife had moved in, I began praying that they would be praying for their neighbors. Little did I realize that they were the new pastors for the daughter church, that I began going to. The pastor's daughters go to the same boarding school as my daughter, and on and on. NOw this is no coincidence. I know this is from God.<BR>At this point I am not sure how it will turn out. I am convinced that God will bring him home, I am not sure when. Maybe He will have to bring it to divorce first? But somehow I don't believe that will be the case. But if it is then I know that the Lord knows how best to heal my h and our marriage. I believe when He restores our marriage He wants there to be no doubt in anyone's mind-who restored it.<P>Well, now you know more than you wanted to know.<P>We have had some really great discussions on this board. Sue B has been leading a couple; one on boundaries and the Power of the Praying wife. I started one a while back about seeking the Lord with all your heart, and I think it was lonesome that started the one on Stormie's other book, "Just enough light for the step I am on." <P>I recommend this last book highly. It has been such an inspiration to me as I have been struggling to surrender this to God and finally let it go.<P>I have felt better gradually over the last couple of weeks as I have really let it go more and more. I realize though I still have anger in my soul. So when I finish this, I am going to type out everything I have been angry at. Then I am going to pray over it. Then I will visualize putting it all in a big blanket and let Jesus carry it away. I did this with my resentment a few years ago and felt such a burden lifted from my shoulders.<P>This is not easy, and it has been full of the most intense pain I could ever imagine. But it has also been a joyous time, as I have learned to depend totally on God. I have let go of so much junk in my heart and soul drawing closer to Jesus. Finally I have repared my relationship with my daughters through this hard time for them as well.<P>I finish school in May and then I don't know exactly where the Lord will lead me, but I am excited to see.<P>I am waiting on Him more and more. It isn't a chore any longer but a joy as long as I lean on Him and not on my own understanding.<BR>The one difficult thing is that everyone, including my oldest daughter especially and even some of my Christian friends think I am crazy for standing. They all run for the thought that God permits divorce in cases as this. But the key word is 'permits.' It is not something the Lord wants me to do, but permitted the Israelites to divorce because of their hard hearts.<P>I choose to stand on my covenant "What I have joined together let no one separate." "I hate divorce" and "I the Lord do not change." More and more I come to understand what it means to 'not lean on my own understanding'. It is not easy but I just can't give up on God, or my h. God doesn't give up on me. <P>Hope you'll join us for Tuesday night prayer and would love to banter our experiences around a bit.<BR>Thanks for writing and sharing.<P>Lord thank you for bringing deputywife here. Lord, You know the plans You have for her and her family. Lord give her such a blessing of Your presence in her life this weekend. Bring Christian friends to support her in her stand for You and her h. Lord bring her sons peace and allow them also to offer support to their mom. Lord wake her h out of his stuper and let him flee the enemy and run back to the wife of his youth and their sons. In Jesus name, Amen

hw,<BR> Thank-you, thank-you for your reply.<BR> My heart lept for joy at your response.<BR> Even though I am totally new to this site and forum I feel a closeness that God can only explain.<BR> I weep for your suffering. And out of all our suffering a compassion for others comes through. I could never have known the hurt others were feeling before this happened to me. I rejoice in the fact I can do that now. I know God has a plan for both of us and look forward to what he has in store!<BR> <BR> My husband and I have always been best friends for the last 18 years. Always talked of our hopes and dreams. But yesterday God convicted me as I was reading your posts of previous months. And also was guided to the surrendering wife site talked about (I don't recall which month). <BR> It slammed me against the wall. Which is what I needed. I can see how I was being critical of my husband in so many ways. We never argued, but in so many subtle ways I did not affirm my love. I didn't lift him up. I wasn't the wife God instructs us to be. My H hates to hurt anyone. And even now says I was a great wife but God said to me yesterday- "hold on, look back" and revealed to me many instances I would hurt him by not just agreeing with him. <BR> I wept, I asked for forgiveness from God. I too realize I had put everything on my marriage without leaning on God. My marriage meant everything to me. Last February we started going to a different church. One that was alive, and filled with the Holy Spirit. I have been blessed by this church, and for the first time I truly enjoyed starting to go to church. I accepted Christ when I was seven. (29 years ago) But was an up and down christian. Whenever it suited me.I was lukewarm when this all began in July. I prayed but never on my knees, just did it out of obligation. So when my world fell in it did bring me to my knees quite quickly. <P> I too am thankful for my boys. They are in a Christian school. And I am grateful that God has given my H the desire to supply all our needs, whether it's out of guilt or obligation or love that is still there.<BR> <BR> I for the most part have been a stay at home mom, working part time, but have been home most of the last three years. I have now gotten a part time job and have orientation Tuesday. I am planning on going to school Lord willing. I got married when I was eighteen and only desired to be a wife and mother. So, this is a shock, but God has provided me the strength to get through. Day by day, hour by hour. <P> I have learned how to depend on Him for my needs. Something I thought I was doing months ago, but now realize I wasn't.<BR> So, God also told me to just quit trying to control this situation, don't look at how bad it is right now. Believe in me, tha I can take care of it."<BR> I am thankful for the time I have been able to spend hours praying, reading the word, meditating on all He has told me.<BR> I still am praying that God will restore my marriage and am believing that in His time it will come to pass. Must have patience though, which isn't always easy, but it's getting easier. <BR> <BR> My husband also has forgotten many things. Good things about our marriage. He tends to remember only the bad things alot of the time. But I guess the depression has alot to do with that. <BR> Many people just don't understand that we are listening to God in standing for our marriage. But I as you believe many people will not question who restored our marriages!<BR> <BR> The OW in my H life works with him so it is hard to know what to pray for. I pray for her that she will come to know Him but also that some how take her out of my H life. I know only God can do that.<BR> <BR> I will be looking for these books you mentioned in your post. I look forward to joining your group. <BR> I pray that you'll be patient with me as I am a beginner at this posting thing and not very graceful yet at the whole computer thing. But am willing to learn. I have learned that from God, to be pliable so that He can use me!<BR> <BR> I look forward to discussing issues, supporting and praying for you in the future!<BR> <BR> Thank-you Lord for hw and all the people standing for their marriage! They have all blessed me in a way they will never know!<BR> <BR> I l<BR> Bless hw and provide her with strength to continue, energy to provide support for her kids and provide people around her to lift her up. <BR> Father God, open up the eyes of her H, so that he will turn from the sin and come to you for all his needs.<BR> I pray this in your mighty name! Amen.<p>[This message has been edited by deputywife (edited February 03, 2001).]