I am so tired of standing, i wish i could crawl in a hole and die. it would be so much easier. their are only 2 reasons why i don't just give up and end it all.<P>one: God is against suicide and i would spend eternity in damnation.<P>two: Who would take care of my children. I hate to even imagine their future with out me to protect them, and any woman who has an affair with a married man isn't fit to be thier mom. so i am stuck.<P>my H has either started a new affair of the woman that he was involved with in spokane has moved here. I just don't know what to do. i never in a million years imagined he could/would hurt me like this. I feel like my heart is being torn to shreds. I can't sleep, don't feel like eating. all i want to do is cry. How can I love someone so much who treats me this way. He still denies any involvement. I am sure he took her to the theater, because in the car i found a map to the theater with directons and on the day it was dated for he also went out and bought some new clothes. I also think he telling me he is working overtime at work so that he may go and see her. he called me one night to pick him up at the ferry cause he had a problem with his bike, he broke down several miles from work where he should have been. I am sure he was visiting her. I want so much to make things work. and i know with God all the feelings he claims to not feel would come back again, but he doesn't seem to want anything to do with God anymore either. My heart grieves over that the most. If something should happen to him, he would be lost forever. that is a terrifing thought to me. I want for him to enjoy Gods blessings and to have eternal life, but aslong as he keeps this charade up it won't happen. I wish their were some way to get through to him. but right now all he cares about is himself and what he wants, me and the children do not matter one bit to him. I try to make him look good in the boys eyes and always telling the boys about the good things in their dad(things that made me fall in love with him)but dispite my best efforts my oldest son is more aware of what is going on than we realize. He has gone from an A student to being suspended for a day this quarter. all he can say about it is he is angry, when you ask why, he says i don't know.I am looking into getting him counseling now too. I just can't handle his burst of anger anymore. i am fearful for myself at times because his anger is so over powering, what if one of these times i can't calm him down.<BR>I am fearful of what he is capable of.<P>sorry I have dragged on.<BR>please just pray for us.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Irene

Dear Scared, <P>When you are finished with "standing" go into Plan B, not self destruction! YOU should get counseling yourself too to help you cope with the needs of your children, your self, and your marriage. Please get help. Multiple affairs, ongoing infidelity, and anger is much more than you should be able to tolerate. You can't do this alone. <P>Maybe the Lord can still save this marriage, but your first obligation is to be there for the children, and teach them right and wrong.<P>So first, get yourself and your son professional help. Then consider Plan B in order to get a break and rejuvenate your soul. Exhaustion helps no one.<P>Love,<P>Karenna

Dear Scared, I read your post and me heart goes out to you. I have stood for my H for almost 4 years. We have had our ups and downs, two steps forward and now three steps back. I am tired also. As time has passed, my perspective has begun to be a little better. The ups and downs just aren't quite as dramatic. I truly want more. I know that restoration of my dreams will only happen if God intervenes. My M-I-L told me with great certainty last night, that God WOULD ANSWER our prayers. I do believe he can and will. Try to give the tiredness to the Lord. Sometimes I pray for a touch of divine love. I ask the Lord to put his arms around me and hold me tight so the loneliness and hurt will ease. I truly beleive that God's love can fill our needs. Sometimes I ponder upon the love that the Father has for us and just a little glimpse convinces me that it is a love of such great magnitude. He talks about caring for the sparrow and tells us that we are far more precious to him than a sparrow. Only God can love us when our faults and failings are exposed. I am so very thankful for that. One thing I have found going through all of this is that God has used my heartache to show me some of the rough edges that I needed to get rid of. Father, I ask you to be with scared. Please surround her with your strength and wisdom. Let your peace pour over her. Is 61: 1-3. I ask Father that you give your daughter, Scared, beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. IJN Amen

Praying for you Scared. I just read the Charlyne Cares article for 3/16 & 17 and it spoke to my heart. Here's a link if you want to read it: <A HREF="http://www.rejoiceministries.org/cc/440.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.rejoiceministries.org/cc/440.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.rejoiceministries.org/cc/439.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.rejoiceministries.org/cc/439.html</A> <P>Satan is attacking you, trying hard to undo the good that the Lord has done and is still doing. Pray hard for the enemy to be bound, fast and pray dear sister. Don't let the enemy infiltrate your thoughts; I know it is HARD, but pray for the Lord's divine intervention. <P>To encourage you:<BR>James 1:2-4 "Count it all joy, my brethren when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." <P>Peter 1:6-7 "Now for a little while you may have to suffer various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold, which though perishable is tested by fire, may redound to praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." <P>The Lord sees every action of your husband. Remember that wherever your husband is, the Lord is there also, and "pondering all his goings". <P>Father, I pray for Scared and Lonely, asking for Your peace that passes all understanding for her. Lord, fill her heart with Your love, and cover her with Your protection. Lord, I ask in Jesus' name that her husband be reminded of the covenant of marriage made before You; and that he is to rejoice in the wife of his youth. Father, let there be no schemes of the enemy to interfere with the restoration of this marriage. In Jesus name and by the power of His blood, I bind the spirit of adultery and divorce in Scared and Lonely's husband, and loose the spirit of fidelity and everlasting marriage in him, in Jesus' name. Father, the enemy is no match for You. Thank You Lord for Your promise in Your Word that "what God has joined together let no man separate". You are the almighty, all powerful God. There is NOTHING impossible for You. Lord, I believe in Your Word and know without a shadow of a doubt that it is the Truth. Father, I believe that "nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light." Luke 8:17 concerning Scared and Lonely's husband. Thank You Father for Your promises, for Your never ending love, mercy, and grace. In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN

thank you for those touching prayers, it is comforting to know I am not alone in my stand, so many keep telling me to just leave and at times what they say makes sense. but i still know that in the bible God says he HATES divorce so in good concience i cannot leave, besides when i stand before my maker when my days are done I will be judged soley on me not me and my H. Thankyou for your encouragement and prayers, you will never know how they touched me, and beleive me they have. <P><P>------------------<BR>Irene

Scared and Lonely, <BR> I understand your pain. My husband left in Sept to get away to think. Found out shortly thereafter he was having an affair. I found out very shortly that I needed Jesus to get through this trial.<BR> Through much prayer and studying the word I discovered the more I praised Him for this trial the more joy and peace He put into my heart. At first I thought I can't rejoice, my husband of 18 wonderful years left me. Two teenage boys depend on him and all he wanted to do was think about himself, what he missed out on by marrying so early.<BR> My oldest son has gone from a very dispondant youth to one that has been able to voice his view in the form of poetry. His father cried reading one of his poems about our family and "this time". God spoke to him through his poem.<BR> My H after growing up in a loving, Christian home, Christian school, started to believe the lie that god wasn't important any more. He became materialistic. Bought a house, hottub, etc. looking for something to make him happy. Thought D would make him happy. Was about to start papers. God was working on him. But first I HAD TO surrender him and our marriage. That didn't mean I was giving up on our marriage. That meant I gave it to God to work on him. God spoke to me to "be still". And to let Him work on my H. He did, BIG time.<BR> Last Saturday my H gave me a letter. Told me he knew what he needed. That was Jesus! He also said he wanted the same kind of peace that he saw in me! This was not in me before this trial. I would obsess over small problems before this. <BR> So my H knew God was working on me. I was in plan B. It hurt too much to be around him. So I used the time to better myself. Got a job, lost weight, prepared papers to go back to school. Loved going to church for the first time in 36 years! I will be baptized this Sunday!<BR> This last week has been a testimony to what God can do when we let Him do the work and we surrender all control.<BR> It's hard to let go and especially hard to not worry but when I found out that it is a sin to worry I yearned to let go of that also. I prayed He would change me and I knew I couldn't worry about the "splinter" in my H eye when I had a "plank" in my own.<BR> Everything looked hopeless but He gave me the strength to rejoice, truly rejoice, in this trial. I knew He did not create the A my H had but He is bringing great miracle out of this. <BR> Throughout the last 7 months many people couldn't understand why I was standing by my marriage. First I have always deeply loved my H and we have always been best friends. We never had any problems in our marriage before so it was hard to fathom this crisis. <BR> But I know now that through this our whole family will have a tremendous testimony to give and realize that God is the perfector of faith. <BR> <BR> Dear Lord,<BR> I pray for Scared and Lonely. I know you have great compassion for her. Strengthen her with your almighty power. Ipray the blood of Jesus on her family. And I pray that her husband will come to his senses. <BR> Above all Lord I pray that Your will be done. You alone have perfect timing and know exactly what must happen and when. Give her the peace in her heart in knowing that You are in control. You know what she needs and supply all that she needs. Thank-you Lord Jesus for your love! In Jesus' name. Amen<BR>

Deputywife,<BR>Thankyou, somehow I feel you more than others do understand my pain, I know others are going through trials similar to mine, but like you my husband grew up in a christian home and went to a christian school growing up, His father is even an ordained minister. So with his back ground I keep wondering how, after knowing the grace, and love of God he can listen to satan's lies. If he hadn't know Gods blessings in the past I might be able to better understand his straying but knowing that he has/had a call to ministry from God how could he throw it all away. at least one Good thing has come from all this, through this mess I have grown closer to my Lord. thankyou for your prayers and understanding. I too will be praying for you and yours. <P>------------------<BR>Irene