I've been gone for a month. I had to go, I felt as if there was no hope and I needed to get away to think. I got my financial act together, researched divorce info. I told my H that this is what I was doing. While I was gone, we didn't talk much. Then one day he called and told me to come home, that everything would be different.<P>So now I'm home. He's behaving differently. More tender, more loving, more caring. And I just want to run! I don't want him to touch me, I can't stand the idea of kissing him, and I will not be in a room alone with him. My heart hurts, my stomach is in knots, and I feel bad for feeling this way. I just don't love him any more. And I don't see how my feelings are going to change when I'm still feeling so angry, when triggers are all around me to remind me of his infidelity.<P>Tomorrow is our 17th anniversary. We're not doing anything special. We haven't talked about it. I'm tired of being the one to lead this "recovery". I just feel like spending the day in bed, by myself. I want to spend the day crying and get all this emotional tension out of me, and I want to sleep.<P>But all those feelings are about hanging on to bitterness, about not forgiving, about being selfish. And I WILL NOT LET SATAN WIN THIS ONE! I'm just tired and hurting and I need a break and I need hope. I feel like God is ignoring me right now, and I can't see the lesson in any of this right now. <P>I stopped praying for my H a while ago, when I lost hope in our recovery. Since then I've been working on getting strong for myself and my kids. I've been concentrating on being more independant from my H. I've felt guilty doing this, and it's been scarry at times, but wise to put together a safety net for us, no matter what happens.<P>Jusy pray for us<P>JP

Dear JP, I'm praising God this morning for the great work He is doing in your marriage! Jesus is the healer of all broken hearts, dear sister, and He will heal yours too. I know how hard it is to forgive and forget when your husband has committed adultery.... it was REALLY REALLY difficult for me too. But we are told by the Lord that we must forgive, and remember the sin no more. I want to share with you a message I sent to a friend who is going through a lot of the same things that you are, and I did:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When my dh first moved back home almost 2 years ago, we went to counseling with my pastor. One of the things he told us was that since my husband had apologized for what he'd done I must forgive him, and <B>REMEMBER IT NO MORE.</B> The pastor said I must trust him and believe what he tells me, until he proves to me otherwise. A hard pill to swallow for a "wronged" wife. <P>At the time I was kind of upset with the pastor, felt<BR>like he was taking the side of a man who had "done me<BR>wrong" in the worst ways. How was I ever supposed to<BR>"forget" the grievious sins my h had committed against<BR>me? The Lord took over though, and when I finally got<BR>so worked up inside I couldn't stand it anymore, I<BR>gave my husband's treatment of me to the Lord and<BR>asked Him to remove the pain of it all from my heart<BR>and show me how I was ever going to trust him again. <BR>And He has been faithful to His promises. The pastor<BR>was right, I must believe my h and trust him, until he<BR>proves me otherwise. <P>It took Him a while to get through to me, but I<BR>finally realized that my sins of bitterness and<BR>unforgiveness towards my husband were just as sinful<BR>as his abuse and adultery. I've still got a long way<BR>to go, and now and again the enemy creeps in and tries<BR>to undo what the Lord has done. But the Lord is<BR>mightier than the enemy.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>My husband still drinks a lot, and does things I don't like, and is still not saved..... but the Lord has given me a love for him that can only come from Him. Through it all He has been my Rock to lean on, and has made me go on when I sure didn't want to. Though I can't see what it is now, there is a reason for all that has happened, and I thank the Lord that He spoke to my heart about forgiveness before it was too late.<P>I am praying for you jungle_princess. May the Lord bless you abundantly and fill you with His peace.<P>Love,<BR>AW

Hi jp,<BR>I too left my H for a month. I felt completely drained, my heart and spirit were withered. I wish I could say I got my financial act together during that time, but I didn't. I've been home two months now. During my month alone I also had trouble getting out of bed. I believe I was emotionally exhausted and I slept much too much. My H was also on his best behavior when I returned. Although he's trying, he doesn't seem to realize the difference between what I want and what he provides. I too spend as little time with him under the same roof. Valentines was our 14th anniversary, and it was a nonevent. Two weeks later it was my birthday, and he forgot. <P>I feel like a broken record when I say my prayers. Being selfish, unforgiving and bitter are things I am guilty of too. I ask that these things be cleansed from my heart, and I believe that they are. The bitterness keeps coming back, though, so I keep praying for the same thing. It will take time. It will also take courage to rebuild your marriage into something that was different from the past. I too have had thoughts of running away from the marriage, thinking that there's too much damage. I too have wondered how long it takes for these prayers to be answered. I heard silence more times than I can count when I asked what my future path should be. <P>All I can tell you is the more I pray the better I feel. I hope you will presevere and prevail with a restored marriage. I will pray for you, jp, that your heart may soften.

Thanks ladies! You do my heart some good!<P>The anniversary was a non-event. Later in the day I decided to rest some, and my h came in the bedroom and asked me what was wrong. We talked for a bit, we cried. He understands why I feel, or don't feel, the way I do. He sees the need for putting together a plan for recovery, FINALLY! He said we'll tackle this subject later this week. He's finally ready to discuss the needs/desires list.<P>We talked about how badly we are communicating. I realized how overly sensitive I am. I wish I knew how not to be so sensitive. I'm trying to talk myself out of being so hurt all the time. I'm asking God for help with that specifically. I struggle with this between my h and myself, but I'm so much better with other people. I think I put way too much pressure on him to be somebody perfectly strong for me. I think that's part of why I'm so disillusioned.<P>Perhaps the difficulty for me is accepting him for who he is. It is something I struggle with. I don't love who he is now. He drinks more, he's taken up smoking, at 39! I question his judgement. His financial decisions are unsound. He belittles our children. He eats junk food all the time. He sits for hours on the toilet reading spy novels. His communication with me is usually quite abrupt. He only talks about work. He no longer cares to involve himself with God/Jesus/church. I don't know who this man is any longer. He never used be this way. I would not have married a man like this.<P>Like you said, time, more time...<P>JP<P>