My husband and I have been together for 11 years (4 ½ married). To start things off, I feel that things are not going to change and I want out. There are several things that have occured over the course of 11 years that I take some responsiblity for due to bad choices and not using wisdom. Mistake #1: moving in with my boyfriend(now husband), with his mother and sister. I was so "in love" and blind that it took me a long time to see this was wrong. At the time I was not serving the Lord. Approximately 6 ½ years ago I gave my life to the Lord. My attitude and thoughts about sin started to change, but I still remained in a live-in situation with my now-husband and family. Eventually I became very uncomfortable living in sin and he took notice, so we made plans to get married. Mistake #2-not getting marriage counseling (he didn't want it),choosing to marry someone not serving the Lord (he has been in a backslidden state for about 14 years) and not getting our own place. As a result of this living arraingment and my husband's lack of spiritual authority (among other things), a great deal has taken place and he still has not changed. I have gone through putting up stuff with his family-his mother moving men in and even getting married to one of them(divorced now), my husband's sister having a baby at 15, and being a "wild" child (stealing,lying,not going to school,not raising her baby), and on top of that my husband not walking with the Lord. The place (condo) that we live in now is in my husband's name, no thanks to my mother-in-law. She had agreed to get this place for herself, and was told by a shady realtor that because she was in the middle of divorce proceedings (from my husband's father-they had been separated for about 20 years) that it would be best that her son sign for the place to avoid his father from having claim to property. So he wants to help his mother out and he signs for the place. Well, lo and behold, he could not get his name out of it. Once moved in, there were and still are a lot of problems with the area, the place, the condo association, etc, and when she was approached about buying the place from him, her response was " why would I want to buy this? That is like you selling me a lemon!" Needless to say, we were both furious, but I felt that he should've said more to his mother but he didn't. As time goes on more problems come up with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, in addition to the problems with my husband. He smokes marijuana and cigarettes, drinks an occasional beer, and has a problem holding down a job for a long term, thus leaving me feeling as though I am the head. My sister-in-law does not live with us anymore, but my mother-in-law has custody of her daughter (she is 7). That is a whole different set of problems. I feel as though I am trapped in this big whirlwind. My husband knows that I want us to be alone, his mother claims she can't afford to move, but she can afford to run her credit card bills up and take trips. Now she is on disability. When I talk to him about her moving, he gets mad, and it is like he is scared to approach the issue and has even told me "why don't you say anything to her since it bothers you so much?" He is still not stable working, and has 2 kids from another relationship that he has to pay child support for. His relationship with his kids is in a terrible condition. The last time he saw them was in January. He only talks to them on the phone when they call him. He will only call them to return their call. I can't even think about having kids with him knowing the condition of his relationship with the two that he has. When I sit down and really tell him how I feel in the most loving manner that I can, he usually gets defensive and this big argument comes up and his basic response is "If I can't meet your standards, then you and I need to separate" or "I told you before we got married that this wouldn't work" (unequally yoked). I think it is unfair, when he has an issue that he needs to address with me, we'll sit down and try to talk it out. Our marriage almost ended about 6 weeks ago, when my mother-in-law was "fed up" with raising my niece and was threatening to take her to children services, so my husband steps in and says I am taking her, whether you are with me or not. He asks me what I think and I tell him that I don't know if I can handle this that I need to pray, and he flies off the handle and says I hurt him, that I didn't want to be with him. That is not what I said at all. I had just walked in the door from a trip from burying my grandmother, and I had been having a hard time dealing with deaths and sickness in my family ( I have had 4 people die that were pretty close to me in the past 10 months, one of them being my mother), and with the issues my husband and I were having between ourselves. As a result of all this that has been happening over a course of years, I have lost my desire to be with him intimately. I started looking at him different. He said he felt rejected and felt that he could do better by himself,because he was not getting his needs met intimately. I know that it was not right on my part but what do you do? I felt as though he was not being the man he should be, nor meeting my needs emotionally. He would go over his friends out and sit around and watch games and smoke pot. I used to go things with him but I don't like that atmosphere. He doesn't ask me to do anything, probably because he has no money due to his lack of work. He doesn't even ask me to do things that don't cost money. We don't do anything together too much anymore. He still isn't really thinking about the Lord. We dont pray together, he doesnt prayfor me,I have to go to my friends or family for spiritual support. Right now I am in the position where I have to take control of the finances ( my mother-in-law does pay a 1/3 of the bills), because the job he recently got does not have work right now. Now that he says (after the last incident) that he wants to work things out, I told him I wanted to, but I don't really have a desire to do so. I don't feel the same about him anymore. It is like an accumulation of things that have happened over the years has gotten me to this place. He is still basically doing the same things that he has been doing, and I feel like I am the only one that is really trying to change. He has a lot of self esteem issues and root issues, he admits it but wont go to counseling for nothing in the world. So we are back to basically the same thing, him not working, me handling everything, He doing his thing, I'm doing my thing, my mother-in-law and niece still in the house(my mother-in-law has decided to continue to raise my neice) . My mother in law has to have surgery soon, so that will be another thing to deal with. I am not perfect by know means, I am trying to live my life as God would desire, striving for and perfecting holiness. I have prayed, prayed, prayed, searched my heart for wrongs in me, repented and changed, have even asked my husband for forgiveness for things I have done for him. I have done everything I know how to do in the Lord. At this point we are on two totally different pages, and I feel like if I bring anything up about the Lord (in dept) and his walk with God, that something else will happen. I have prayed for changed, encouraged when he couldn't encourage himself, lifted up when he was down. I have also been in spiritual warfare on his behalf. God has made clear to me the purpose my husband has for the kingdom so I know that the enemy is attacking constantly on him. I also know that the Lord will not continue to tolerate ungodliness either. I know what the scripture says about divorce,and I have read countless information on christians and hurting marriages, so I know what is said. But I also believe that God does not want us to remain miserable because of someone else's actions. It is like at what point does enough become enough? I am tired of standing! <BR>

shobbie, I really don't know what to say except to get alone with God and pour your heart out to him. He doesn't expect you to be perfect, just love Him and serve Him. Did you read my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum25/HTML/000894.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum25/HTML/000894.html</A> <BR>What really struck me was that even though my h is not saved, is not fulfilling the role of spiritual head of our home as God intends, drinks too much, God expects me to respect him and be submissive to him, as unto the Lord. <P>Since it seems to anger your h if you discuss the Lord with him, don't say anything. Remember 1 Peter 3:1-2 "Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the Word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they OBSERVE your chaste CONDUCT accompanied by fear [of the Lord]." <P>I'm praying for you,<P>AW

I wanted to reply to your post yesterday, but I had no idea what to say! I still don't. Well, maybe I do. I am recently learning a lesson of what a big mistake I made when I allowed my H to violate boundaries, followed by a decade of me relinquishing my own values and preferences in order to keep the peace. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do. Now, thanks to almost a year of hanging out in these forums, I am starting to reclaim my lost sense of self. There's a great big thread here on boundaries that you might want to read. Then run to the nearest bookstore and get a copy of Boundaries in Marriage by Townsend and Cloud. It may not save your marriage, but it will lead to a better you. You have a long, bumpy road ahead. You'll be in good company here at this forum.

Alcoholic's Wife, I hear what you are saying about the submissive part. But I'm sure I am not the only one that has addressed this question- " How can you be submissive to what is not submitted to God?." It is very very very hard. I continue on a daily basis to pour my heart out to the Lord. I know that things can be turned around, but I also know that the other party has to be willing to submit to God to allow that change to happen. I have not given up complete hope, but I am losing hope. I guess all that matters for not is that all hope is not lost. <P>Lonesome heart, I understand what you are saying. I too am seeing my mistakes in letting my H violate my boundaries for <BR>wanting to keep the peace. I don't want to be like that anymore, but I know once that occurs it can be almost certain confrontation. I too am reclaiming myself.<P>I will be talking to my H this evening. Pray that the peace of God rules in the midst of our discussion.<P>Thank you both for your pearls of wisdom.

Shobbie, how did your talk with your husband go? I'm praying for you both, dear sister.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How can you be submissive to what is not submitted to God?." It is very very very hard.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yes, it is very hard. But, in my heart, the key to being submissive to a husband who is disobedient to the Lord is the last part of Eph 5:22 <B><I>as unto the Lord</I></B>. By being obedient to the Lord, the great burden of "how can I do this" has been lifted off my shoulders. <P>It's not my place to convict my dh of his sins, the Lord will do that. It took me a REALLY long time to understand that I HAD to get out of God's way, stop trying to do the Holy Spirit's job of convicting my husband, and let God have him. Once I did that, changes in my h started to happen. For the first time in almost 20 years he recognized 3 important days and did nice things for me (our anniversary, my birthday, and Valentine's Day). Only the Lord could have caused this change in his heart. <P>God can and will change your husband's heart.... in my case (and maybe in yours too) God had to deal with me about my bitterness and resentment first before He began working in my dh's heart. <P>1 Peter 3:4..."rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a <B>gentle and quiet spirit</B>, which is very precious in the sight of God" reminds me that God expects me to be of a gentle and quiet spirit. In my situation, that means, not demanding my own way, but letting the Lord lead me in how to approach my dh. <P>In Ephesians 5, we are told how to be in our marriages. For many, many, many years I felt that I didn't have to respect my husband much less submit to him because of his behavior. According to the world, it would be stupid of me to submit to a man who drank himself into oblivion every night, but that is not what the Word commands. Once I started listening to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and overcoming my fears, the Lord took over. He can't work in our lives if we won't let Him. Read and study the Word shobbie, it helped me so much. <P>Eph 5:22 says "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything." By submitting and respecting my dh, I am being obedient to the Lord, in turn He protects me, and keeps my dh from making wrong decisions that affect me, and the Holy Spirit works on his heart. Keep praying shobbie, there is tremedous power in prayer. <P>Each day I pray Eph 5:25 over my husband: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her". Pray every day for your h and yourself, the Lord hears you and He will answer your prayers. Be open to hearing what God has to say to you. <P>My heart goes out to you, I know you are in a tough situation. Psalm 91 has been of great comfort to me when things are bad. God loves you shobbie, and your husband, more than we can imagine. You are precious in His sight.<P>AW<BR>"'But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold." -Job 23:10<P><p>[This message has been edited by Alcoholic's Wife (edited April 07, 2001).]

Well, our conversation didn't happened as planned because he was not around. A big argument occurred a couple of days ago, he accused me of making a decision without him (which was totally false), and one thing led to another and Boom! Big time arguing. He started bringing up things in the past that I thought we were working on (actually last week was a good week up until this). He said some very hurtful things to me that evening (one being "I want you to get the h*** out") and he even implied that he might hurt me physically (he said "You must want me to go to jail tonight?"), and I have to say that shocked me as well as scared me. He was never ever been like this. I know satan was working through him big time. He also told me he didn't want to be with me anymore ( this is not the 1st time this has been said when things have hit the fan), and spent the night elsewhere. We don't have any conversation the next day. The next day after that he goes to work, leaves a message on my pager saying that he was "all messed up" and that he was sorry for sending me mixed signals and that it would be best if I go my way. The next morning he tells me that he wants to work things out, but still won't go to counseling. I told me that the best thing to do right now is to separate and the issues are dealt with then maybe restoration is possible, and he lost it. He broke down and cried like a baby, apologizing for what he's done and how he has failed me and will be lost without me,how he wants to get right with the Lord,etc. He also told me that if I leave, even if it is momentarily, then to not look back. I feel that he still is not willing to do what it takes to make this work. I know it is not all about me, but it looks like everything is on his standards (no counseling, if you leave don't come back,etc.) Now I am at this place of do I give him this chance (inspite of the fact he didnt want to do these things the MANY times before) and see what happens or do I just leave just so I can get a peace of mind,and trust the Lord that it will work out, or if not trust the Lord to give me the strength to move forward.

shobbie, <P>"But I also believe that God does not want us to remain miserable because of someone else's actions. It is like at what point does enough become enough? I am tired of standing!"<BR> <BR>I too get tired of standing, it is soooo hard at times, but as I read your quote (above) it reminds me of Christ.<BR>Christ was scorned, and hated by many. He was betrayed by Judas. He was Sentenced to crucifiction by the Jews. all of these were actions of others. so when I get tired of "standing" I think of what christ went through because he loved me. If Christ could endure the tourture of crucifiction for me, than I figure I can endure the bad attitute, rude looks, snide remarks ect...because I love my Husband and when this is all over and done with I Know it will all be worth it. Learn to live in an attitude of prayer. Worry about nothing but pray about everything. and remember Love is a choice, not a feeling. the feelings will follow later once the choice is made, and as much as you may love your H, God loves him even more than we can ever comprehend.<BR>I will be praying for you.<BR>your sister in christ.<P>------------------<BR>Irene

S&L, your post gave me the shivers. Good ones -- Holy Ghost shivers!!! I agree, God does love our husbands even more than we can ever understand. Blessings to you,<P>AW<P>shobbie, keep praying! Somewhere in the old posts under Womens Bible Study is the story of the Refiner's Fire. I think SueB posted it. If you haven't ever read it, try to do so. It really helped me last year when I was going through a difficult trial and couldn't understand why it was happening to me.