I posted formerly that I had quit drinking. My H is trying to justify his past angry outburst fits by saying that I should accept responsibility for them (at least partially), because I contributed to his anger by my drinking.<P>I haven't attended any Alanon meetings, so I don't know if his justification is correct, or if this is again an attempt by him to pass off responsibility for his actions onto me.<P>Any clues?<P>Anne

Sweetie, you are responsible for your actions, ie your drinking bahavior, but you are not responsible and have/had no control over your husband's behavior. He alone is responsible for how he chose to respond to your drinking behavior, or any other behvior you displayed. You can chose to apologize for your specific actions if you feel convicted to do so, to ask forgiveness for, i.e. failure to show respect, etc. due to your drinking behavior, but how he chose to respond still is his. You can apologize for having hurt him by your behavior but one thing please remember...if you ask forgiveness for something and he gives it, then it should not come back at you at a later date...if it does, then you need to address this..."Sounds like when you said you forgave me, you really haven't. Do you want to talk about that?" You take responsibility for what is yours, the actions you displayed, any inappropriate behavior that occured while you were drinking, etc. (And at this point I am only talking about your drinking behavior since that was what you were asking about.)Bottom line though is that you do not have that kind of power to "MAKE" any one behave a certain way. That part is your H.<P>There is quite bit of online support/ chat rooms, etc. on the 12 steps. Here are a few of the lins.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.12steps.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.12steps.org/</A> <A HREF="http://www.alcoholicsforchrist.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.alcoholicsforchrist.com/</A> <A HREF="http://www.christians-in-recovery.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.christians-in-recovery.com/</A> <A HREF="http://206.64.203.77/Thepath/" TARGET=_blank>http://206.64.203.77/Thepath/</A> <A HREF="http://av.iugm.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://av.iugm.org/</A> <A HREF="http://www.transformations.com/contents.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.transformations.com/contents.html</A> <A HREF="http://recoverybooks.com/download/step4.pdf" TARGET=_blank>http://recoverybooks.com/download/step4.pdf</A>

Thank you for the affirmation, Sue. I did feel that apologizing for my behavior was sufficient. And trying to make amends. I had a very high bottom (they kicked me out of AA - not good enough drinker ha ha), and didn't do much to embarrass or humiliate him. One or two incidents.<P>Good guess by the way, he does keep bringing up the past. And every time he says that this is the last time he is going to bring this up.<P>Anne

Harlequin, SueB's advice is great. She pretty much said what I would have said. In a way though I can understand your husband's anger, I was very angry for a LONG time at my dh for the awful things he did as a result of his drinking (he is still drinking BTW). But, I had to give those feelings to the Lord and let Him handle it. Sometimes the old hurts and anger comes up, and I have to give it to God all over again. <P>What comes to my mind goes along with what SueB said about forgiveness: When you are asked for forgiveness, and you forgive, you must remember the sin no more. That is what my pastor told me to do. There is a verse that says this, but right now I can't think of what it is. Is your h a Christian? If you and he are able to talk about the Word together, you may want to gently bring that verse to his attention (I will try to find it....sorry). <P>I will keep you in my prayers. <P>AW

AW<P>I believe that Jesus said that to the adulterous woman that they tried to stone - go and sin no more. I don't recall what book it is from, however.<P>I actually thought more about this, and I came up with this thought:<P>Him blaming me for his anger is like a rapist blaming the woman he raped for his actions because she wore provocative clothing. Kind of the same thing. Rather than take responsibility for his "reaction", he finds a justification to blame his actions on the provocation.<P>I am full of self-doubt most of the time and pray that God will show me the right path. Not drinking is definitely a step in the right direction. I asked you, aw for advice, because I knew that you had been on the other side of the fence, and might have insight from that perspective.<P>Thank you,<P>Anne