so it has been a few days.<BR>a few very hard days.<P>no you didn't miss a posting, I had no idea he was planning on leaving. It hit me like a ton of bricks. but now that he has, it makes the extra chairs dissapering and the card table missing make sense.<P>he's had an apartment since the first of may, and has been slowly taking things from here to there when I have been at work. I thought I had just misplaced things, now I know I was not going crazy, maybe i should have seen it coming.<P>He is comming to visit tomorrow night (friday) the boys are doing pretty good, to them not much has changed, my husband workes swing shift so he was always gone when the boys got home from school. the only difference now for them is that they don't have to be quiet for daddy sleepin in the morning anymore. <P>I have counseling tonight, feel like I have been in counseling all week. my counselor was the first person I talked to after David left, he has been calling me regularly to make sure i am doing o.k. and on Monday he and his wife bought me and the boys dinner, (don't think I could have cooked anyway) <P>I got my hair cut short this morning. don't know why, just needed a change, and it is one less thing to deal with now. long hair is too much to deal with for me for now. the less to deal with the better. wash and wear.<P>I am doing ok today, haven't cried to much, come really close many times but have managed to supress the tears. I feel like such a basket case. I am distracted very easily.<BR>on tuesday I was doing laundry and forgot to put the clothes in the washer, did a whole load of nothing, well, maybe it cleaned the washer itself, just can't concentrate.<P>The days are long, and the nights even longer.<BR>finally got some sleeping pills to get at least some sleep<BR>even with the pills I only sleep for about 6 hours waking up about 3 times in that time period, better than the first nights though where I got one maybe two hours sleep total.<BR>all I seem to be able to do is think about him and wonder if he is doing o.k.<P>I just pray that God will get ahold of him and restore his faith in Him.<P>with God all things are possible.<BR>or so I'm told<BR><P>------------------<BR>Irene

S & L:<P>Tough time indeed! Treat yourself well. It is hard not to think about it all the time and this became an obsession with me for a while. Antidepressants helped some, but substituting praise for the endless thoughts and scenarios of the circumstances I concocted in my head worked the best. I had to be consistant, that is as best as I could. As soon as I noticed that I was ruminating, I would stop and start praising God.<P>I guess this occurs for me because living in the city means a lot of walking. It is when I am walking that the thoughts amble in and take over. So, by substituting praising, it has gradually taken over as the norm. When stress increases they come back, but since I have the praising in place it is easier to turn to praising God. This is one of the things that effects my moods. If I am praising the Lord, then my eyes are on Him and not the circumstances. If I ruminate the strings of thoughts slowly start to get depressing.<P>I know how easy it is to get discouraged. I have had several extended periods of it. Usually during the midterm/finals time when i don't spend as much time reading my Bible etc.. As soon as I get back to that then I slowly come out of it. I know it has been a while for you too, but sometimes it is hard to understand that this has been going on in my life in one form or another for over 6 years now. It is also hard to understand why it is still moving toward divorce. But i know that Lord is still in this and that He has made incredible changes in me etc. amd it is working for our good (my girls and I).<P>S&L, hang in there, it does get better or at least the worst feelings come and go with fairly peaceful times in between. Don't be afraid to express your emotions and get them out of you. Glad you are seeing a counselor! Don't be afraid to wrestle with this with God and ask Him for insight into what this is all about for you and Him and your marriage and children.<P>My thoughts and prayer are with you.<P>Abba, Father, Irene needs your tender care. But when we hurt it is so easy to shut everything out because we are afraid of more hurt. Lord, reach down into her heart and help her to focus on You and to remain open to others who want to love her, because it is Your love for her that is demonstrated. <P>Father protect the children. Allow them the space to express their own emotions. Lord we know it is all in your hands. Lord reach down and touch David's heart. Give him mercy and grace. Help him to see the pain he is causing his family and a willingness to reconcile with You, his wife and family. Lord, send Christian men to mentor and reach him. Lord, put them at work, on every street corner and instruct him even in his dreams. Lord, this is Your will, let him turn and be obedient to You.<P>Lord, we praise Your name and we pray that You work in ways we could never imagine. We give You all the praise, honor and glory due You for the miracles You are performing in Irene, david and children. In Jesus name, Amen.

one week, has it only been one week! It feels more like a year! He came to visit on friday night and ended staying the weekend. When he left today he took his computer and once again my heart with him. I don't know why I let him stay, I quess hoping beyond all reasonable hope he might change his mind? it's funny, before he moved out he didn't want anything to do with me, now he holds me before he leaves and tells me to take care of myself. I told him that I not only love him but that I am In Love with him. and I didn't want to see him go but I can't ask him to stay if he didn't want to. I don't know if I'm right or wrong in what i am doing. all I know is that despite everything I love him and that I am hurting like I never imagined possible.<BR>I finnally stopped crying on wendsday, only to start up again today after he left. Oh how I already miss him.<BR>He still hasn't talked to his parents and told them we are seperated. I can't sleep, eat, or think straight. finally after 3 days of no sleep the doctor prescribed me some sleeping pills, (for 15 days) after that he said if I still can't think he wants to see me and discusse starting an antidepressant. we'll see.<P>I only told 3 people that we are separated, my counselor, my pastor and my son's teacher(also my friend). but already everybody knows, I hate living in a small community, your business becomes everybody elses, going to church today was one of the hardest things I've had to do. there are those who are genuinely concerned and those that just stare. I don't mind answering the questions of those who are conserned and offer support, but those that stare make me feel all that much worse, and very self conscious.I wish I could just smak them up-side the head and tell them to get a life.<P>sorry for rambling.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Irene

While your situation is bad, your husband is already showing some really good signs. The wanting to stay the weekend, holding you, etc. While my H and I were separated, that is how it was with us. He did move out of town, and that made him miss me/us even more. We eventually reconciled and things are good with us. Hang in there and Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. Do nice things for YOURSELF and continue with the counseling. Things will look up for you and time makes it a bit easier to deal with.