guys and gals,<P>I still don't think I have heard of any success stories of female betrayers with both intense emotions and intense physical who actually came back . (Except for K, who is still the only hope, betrayed husbands have). If there are none on this board, does anyone have any other stories or experiences they know of they could share with us? The odds just don't look or sound good.

Izzy:<BR>I wish that I could get my wife to post for you. She was in the same type affair you are referring to for 2+ years. I just found out about 4 weeks ago. My wife is assertive, well educated, attractive, physically fit, and everything a man could ask for in a wife. She somehow fell for OM and developed a connection with him she did not have with me. Without her telling me anything I know how emotional her affair was. I know my wife. She could never have sex with anyone she didn't love or that didn't tell her he loved her and believed it. He was convencing. Thank God she loved me more. I believe I pushed her to him. I didn't make the decision for her to have the affair, but I was in my own way responsible also. It was easy to forgive her because I love her very much and no mistake is worth giving up what we had at one time and can without question rebuild even better. I know all affairs are different, but how can two people love each other all their lives and let something like this destroy them. I'll never forget the connection she developed with someone else, but I have forgiven her and love her with all my heart. This is only half of our story, but, maybe her part will help you. I firmly believe that without total separation from OP that it would be virtually impossible to reconcile. Her greatest fear was not withdrawal from OM, but fearing that I would withdraw from her (not forgiving her and leaving). By the way, I never considered either option.<P>Best of luck. Maybe, if you ask her she will reply. She reads with me and helps me respond, but she is afraid to tell anyone else her story.

CRC,<P>Yes, I think many of us guys here, would love to here a success story from your wife's point of view. We could use any good news about this time.... I am really just down about any possible hope. My wife's affair has only been 5 months, but I really feel disconnected from her and I really want an opportunity to rebuild and apply all those methods and techniques we have all learned.

izzy,<P>Sorry, my affair was not physical. Lasted 3 mos. and I ended it when OM wanted to have sex. To me it was the "moment of truth" realized I loved my H and not the OM. We were not separated at the time, either. Sorry, I don't really fit the "criteria" you guys were looking for, but wanted to post anyway.<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Izzy,<P>Seems like we're in the same boat. My SO has been in an intense emotional and physical affiar for about 5 months as well. I'm pretty much responsible for it too. <P>I'm guilty of pushing her away. We're doing the couseling thing, but she's in major withdrawl and I'd like to hear what other betraying (forgive that word) women have to say about the withdrawl period.<P>Thanks,<P>Joey (lostandbroken)

My wife had an emotional (and I believe her when she said it was not physical) affair with a man for several months. Our marriage had been much less than ideal for many years. I didn't really realize it, too concerned with my career and thinking only of myself. This man met several of her needs that I was not meeting - affection, conversation, recreational companionship. Our relationship kept getting worse and worse. We had talked bout going to counseling many times, but never did. Finally, at my wits end, I went to a counselor who recommended "His Needs, Her Needs" as a star at finding out our problems. When I read that book, it was like Dr. Haley was talkig directly at me. I could see what I had done wrong for many years. THis led to a greater awareness on my part, and I discovered that my wife had been spending a huge amount of time with the OM, on the phone and visiting in person, for several months. When I confronted her with it, it was like I had discovered an affair. She said, like most I've heard in this forum, that she and the OM were "only friends". But he was meeting the needs that I wasn't. She said there was nothing physical involved, and I believe her. But from the way she talked, I think it was only matter of time before the relationship got to that level. My wife began to go to counseling with me, and we began to work out our differences. We both began to make changes, seeking to meet the needs of the other. This was 6 months ago, and I can say that we have moved our relationship to a level never achieved before. We're still recovering, and like someone else said in this forum, I have not forgotten her relationship with the OM, but I have forgiven and moving ahead. I believe that my wife has basically gotten away from the OM. He's still around because he is on my wife's tennis team, but she has had very little contact with him over the last few months. She says she is past him, and I believe her. I believe that we are a success story. But the success wasn't only due to our awareness and to the counseling, it was God's will. My wife and I both prayed for a successful solution to our situation, and God say fit to keep us together. I had faith that he would, and faith came through. Both my wife and I are taking our marriage one day at a time and trying to improve on it daily. I know that you can do the same.

I'm not a sucess story by no means, but My W and I have been separated for 11 months now.<P>She had a sexual affair after we split. Even got pregnant( had an abortion). She is still having a relationship with yet another man( not physical she says),<P>Anyway we have been talking more about us. Sometimes good and somr not, but things are starting to look up for us. She has asked me to come be there christmas eve so i can be there when my kids wake up for Christmas Day. Thats a start of a sucess story.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

Hi izzy.<P>I don't visit this site too much anymore, but do check in occasionally. I just wanted to let you in on my situation, if it gives any hope.<P>I never left my husband, but I did have a 2.5 year affair (emotional and physical). It's been over for about 2 years now, and I can't even hardly remember the other guy at all. It's quite painful to recollect, how much pain my husband went through. My husband also had an affair (one night stand) 1 year after I ended mine, because of the emotional turmoil. We are getting along so wonderfully now, so it can happen. But there are major things that I've seen that have to be adressed within a relationship before this rebuilding can happen. I just wanted to let you know that it's possible. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Madelyn (edited November 29, 1999).]

Izzy,<P>You know my story, betrayed and betrayer...<P>I am not a success yet, by any stretch of the imagination, but we are here together, and I never left my H. I have worked hard to put my marriage back together, and if <B>my determination</B> is any indication of how things will go, we may still make it yet.<P>Don't give up, you never know what's around the bend.<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

oh boy, I just noticed a trait....Rutger (hope all is still looking up) and his wife each had an extramarital fling and they are working on recovery....Madelyn's husband had an affair after hers and then they got to recovery... NB also was on both sides. I wonder if in some perverted way the first betrayer is shocked back into looking at the marriage and the pain they feel as betrayed adds to that. Gotta wonder especially if all three cases are progressing postively.

Hi Izzy,<P>I wasn't going to post since I don't fit the criteria, but since I am the betrayer I thought I'd try to help.<P>You know my story and even though I didn't leave my husband, I was physically and deeply emotionally involved.<P>It's been over 3 months now and I still see the OM everyday at work. While I still am attracted to him, I feel stronger in my marriage and more hopeful that things will work out. My husband is trying and I am as well but I guess his efforts are finally affecting me. <P>If I would of left my husband, it would of been the biggest mistake of my life. It's taken me a long time to realize this. My OM is finally coming off his pedestal.

Izzy,<P>Re:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I wonder if in some perverted way the first betrayer is shocked back into looking at the marriage and the pain they feel as betrayed adds to that.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You know what? It does make a kind of sense, and maybe, just maybe in some <B>small</B> way it helps... but... as my H says, his affairs were nothing like mine, I made him feel bad for 12 yrs., and he is different from me. Somewhere deep inside of him I think he realizes that we have this commonality, a kind of understanding of each others pain, that <B>could</B> serve us well as we recover, but he can't see thorough his pain enough to grasp it right now. Maybe later.<P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

IZZY,<BR>Hey pal, Things are still looking up. There may be some logic to your thought process. BUT, Do not think by doing something like that it will help. It's hard to say if it played a role in it or not. My W still says this whole thing is her fault and hers alone. She still has not really acknowledge or asked about my drunken one night stand. <P>I would stress that you do not engage in something like that unless you are ready, It will haunt you FOREVER!!!! I still feel like a louse for doing what I did. If you decide to be with someone else, do it for you. Not to get a reaction from her. Anyway, Sorry if I was on my soapbox. I'll get down now...... <P>Take care....<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

My question is: How did you find out about the affairs mentioned? To make certain of them. And how did you confront your spouse without them leaving immediately and getting mad at you for accusing them of such a thing? I have a post titled "Affair? Not sure. Please HELP/ADVICE!!" Could people please take a look at it. Thanks. I'm in desparate need.<BR>